gillian34 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I am a single mum with 2 kids. My past relationships have been either abusive or just flings n before now it's been a while since i was involved with anyone. Due to a strange chance meeting, i met a man in the early part of the year. We became friends and from the very start it was very intense - we have a great chemistry, similar outlooks on life and are very affectionate with each other. We both went into it as broken people bruised from past relationships n sworn off them, but something just clicked and we launched headfirst into one! The positives: he gets on great with my kids our sex is amazing he is very funny and loving...on rare occasions i see him! I love him However i want to end it because of: the negatives: He works from 330pm til 1/2 am 5 days of 7 and hardly contacts me from work he lies in bed til 2pm the day after a shift - whereas i am up at 7 with the kids. he has 2 kids from prev relationships so more often than not, his 2 days off are spent with them and we cant all be together as my son has special needs n does not get on witg other kids when we do snatch a few hours together, all he wants to do is have sex He has met all my friends n fam but ive met none of his He is broke all the time (he chooses smoking over food) which means i literally pay for everything. Food, days out, transport anywhere...i do not mind this at all but it is a strain on my finances. Due to being a carer for my son i am on a tight budget and i am happy and want to feed and look after my man but obviously family come first. I have spoken to him about the situation n tried to nicely encourage him to find a closer job with better hours - he says he will, but then continues to lie in bed every morning instead of doing anything about it. My days are hard as a lone parent n i find i am lonelier in the evenings than before i met him!? In addition he is 46 and his baby mama is 23- also he has made comments about how 19 year olds he work with are "smoking hot" etc n says they often turn his head in the street..i am twice their age n cant help feeling a little insecure over it theres more but i will spare you! can our love save this relationship? Or shall i just give up & if i do, how do i tell him without upsetting him? Thanks for any advice i have nobody to talk to
PegNosePete Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Your thread title - "would it be unfair?" - is a bit strange to me. Choosing to stay or break up with someone is not about what's "fair". It's about whether they are a positive influence in your life or a negative one. You have laid out the positives and the negatives in a very logical manner. Although I have to say, most of the positives are about how you feel,, and the negatives are about how he acts. You might want to ask yourself why that is, and what it means. Now it's up to you to decide if the positives out-weigh the negatives or not. I guess once the negatives out-weigh the positives, for you, it is time to end the relationship. The big question: are your relationship needs being met? To me, it doesn't sound as though they are. You need more from the relationship than he can (or is prepared to) give you. can our love save this relationship? You mean, can your love save the relationship? Because it doesn't really sound as though he loves you as much as you love him. He doesn't respect you; he seems to be in it for the sex and the money. No, one-sided love cannot save a relationship. It takes 2. how do i tell him without upsetting him? "I am sorry but this relationship is not working for me any more. Despite talking to you many times, my needs are not being met, and you have shown that you are either not willing or able to meet them. At this point my only option is to end the relationship. Goodbye." 5
Author gillian34 Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) Thank you peg nose Pete. In a few little paragraphs you have really summed up the situation in a black and white way and made it much easier for me to come to a decision. i really appreciate your time and wisdom. When I say unfair I meant really, am i expecting too much of him to be contacting me in his work breaks and stuff.. and is it unfair to expect him to change jobs just so i can see him more? But you have hit the nail on the head. He doesnt want to meet my needs. He cant be bothered. He says enough to keep me sweet but the actions are not there to back up the words as he doesn't really love me. argh this is heartbreaking. brilliant, brilliant words to end relationship by the way - very mature and non dramatic - really grateful for that and will send it later on when i've got my head together Edited September 30, 2015 by gillian34
PegNosePete Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 When I say unfair I meant really, am i expecting too much of him to be contacting me in his work breaks and stuff.. and is it unfair to expect him to change jobs just so i can see him more? Objectively speaking, a text or two a day in breaks isn't much to ask for. Changing jobs, well depending on his sector it may be difficult in this economy. But at the end of the day, these facts, and whether it's fair or unfair, doesn't matter. This isn't a court case where you have to consider what a "reasonable person" would think, it's a relationship, where feelings reign supreme. What matters is that you're not happy with the current relationship and the way things are, you feel neglected, unloved and used. You want him to change to meet your needs, you've asked him many times, but he has no motivation to do so since he is perfectly happy with the status quo. 1
Author gillian34 Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 Thanks again Pete! Everything you say is giving me more clarity. He works for minimum wage in a blue collar job he has to walk four miles to get to every day.. pretty much *anything* else full time would be better technically, for him as well as for me. After he has paid alimony and rent he has about £50 a week to live on and £35 of it goes straight on cigarettes.. i do care for him and have this weird need to help him, make him happy and make sure he eats and is nourished! He just doesn't look after himself. You're right though. I feel neglected unloved and used, that is what matters here and whenever i miss his company this is the feeling that I need to remember. Hate the thought of him sad and down though. and whenever i have tried to break up before he starts getting annoyed and saying i must have found someone else
Nemetona Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I think the answer is pretty clear. Dump this man immediately. If you don't already realise you deserve better, enter therapy. 1
PegNosePete Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 It sounds as though you're his mum, not his partner. Hate the thought of him sad and down though. and whenever i have tried to break up before he starts getting annoyed and saying i must have found someone else His personal happiness is not your responsibility! If he chooses to be sad and down, it's a condition of his own making. You have your own happiness and your own (real!) kids to think about. If he tries to prevent the break-up again, don't take the bait. It's simply a ploy to draw you into a conversation, to put you on the defensive back foot. It really doesn't matter what he thinks. Just tell him once that it's not true, but you're not going to argue about it. Then walk away, and don't explain yourself or deny his accusations any more. If you have any of his stuff, or he has any of yours, make sure it's all swapped back when you do the break up. Getting stuff back later can be very difficult. 1
thunder777 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 he sounds very happy his world is exactly the way he wants it unless he changed jobs youd probably still want to be with him but none of your needs seem to be noticed, if he cant compromise and make changes then you have to make changes unfortunately maybe even show him this thread, separate, and see if he attempts to change for you, in the time apart 1
Author gillian34 Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 Nemetona : thanks - that is a very empowering message and has put things in perspective for me Pete : yes we are very codependent! The problem is i need looking after too and he can't even manage to find the time to send a goodnight message most nights, despite me reinforcing how much this means to men how important to me it is, because we are apart. He gets annoyed as i refuse to let him do the booty call thing after work as it leaves me exhausted. Thanks for the tip about the stuff! Will put it thru his window while he is out. He has nothing of mine except my heart Thunder - yes absolutely that is what it comes down to. I can'tshow him the thread as i don't want to humiliate or anger him.. i think Pete's suggested message had it all in there though, that i am breaking up as he hasn't made an effort to meet my needs. If he wants me so badly he will. But i think we all know he doesn't!
Shock148 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I am a single mum with 2 kids. My past relationships have been either abusive or just flings n before now it's been a while since i was involved with anyone. Due to a strange chance meeting, i met a man in the early part of the year. We became friends and from the very start it was very intense - we have a great chemistry, similar outlooks on life and are very affectionate with each other. We both went into it as broken people bruised from past relationships n sworn off them, but something just clicked and we launched headfirst into one! The positives: he gets on great with my kids our sex is amazing he is very funny and loving...on rare occasions i see him! I love him However i want to end it because of: the negatives: He works from 330pm til 1/2 am 5 days of 7 and hardly contacts me from work he lies in bed til 2pm the day after a shift - whereas i am up at 7 with the kids. he has 2 kids from prev relationships so more often than not, his 2 days off are spent with them and we cant all be together as my son has special needs n does not get on witg other kids when we do snatch a few hours together, all he wants to do is have sex He has met all my friends n fam but ive met none of his He is broke all the time (he chooses smoking over food) which means i literally pay for everything. Food, days out, transport anywhere...i do not mind this at all but it is a strain on my finances. Due to being a carer for my son i am on a tight budget and i am happy and want to feed and look after my man but obviously family come first. I have spoken to him about the situation n tried to nicely encourage him to find a closer job with better hours - he says he will, but then continues to lie in bed every morning instead of doing anything about it. My days are hard as a lone parent n i find i am lonelier in the evenings than before i met him!? In addition he is 46 and his baby mama is 23- also he has made comments about how 19 year olds he work with are "smoking hot" etc n says they often turn his head in the street..i am twice their age n cant help feeling a little insecure over it theres more but i will spare you! can our love save this relationship? Or shall i just give up & if i do, how do i tell him without upsetting him? Thanks for any advice i have nobody to talk to Seems like it just wont work out to me. I would take a step back if I were you. There's a lot of red flags I read in this thread. A relationship is about helping one another. If he just cares about smoking over food then lol. If he cares to tell you about his smoking hot co workers then lol. Why would he want to make you jealous if he already has you? Lastly, the work schedule is too different and him only wanting sex when you rare meet up with him is another red flag. I mean sex is great and all, especially when you rarely meet someone, but if I wanted to be with someone I want to spend time with them first, as much as possible, and sex is just a bonus. I am a man I will be initiating sex, but I will also want to talk, watch a movie, go out for a walk, something else besides just that.
BlueIris Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 -- He is broke all the time (he chooses smoking over food) which means i literally pay for everything. Food, days out, transport anywhere...i do not mind this at all but it is a strain on my finances. Due to being a carer for my son i am on a tight budget and i am happy and want to feed and look after my man but obviously family come first. ...- he says he will, but then continues to lie in bed every morning instead of doing anything about it. In addition he is 46 and his baby mama is 23- also he has made comments about how 19 year olds he work with are "smoking hot" etc n says they often turn his head in the street..i am twice their age n cant help feeling a little insecure over it Based on these points above, I'd say, no. This does not appear to be a person that would make a reliable partner that you could count on to have your back or to carry the load if or when you can't. For me, that is the essence of partnership.
Author gillian34 Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 Blue iris - i am inclined to agree. My kids and i are not a priority for him. Shock148 - thanks for your blunt honest take on things! I agree...he is sexually obsessed with me and always talking about how hot and sexy i am which is nice to hear and i love how turned on he is by me. However when we are waking up after a night of passion n 2 hours sleep and the kids are up and all he wants to do is go in the bathroom to "continue things" .... instead of going out with us... frankly it is not how i picture my life . If he worked days we could spend all evening doing whatever, i have a very healthy appetite.. but he doesnt finish work til 2 and by then i am exhausted, but he slept all day so is ready to go...its such a shame as we are so compatible sexually.
Recommended Posts