Zapbasket Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 A Google search for "regret breaking up" brought a dearth of pages compared to what I expected, and it got me thinking: Looking back at your previous relationships, whether you were dumped or the dumper, did they HAVE to end? We who were dumped seem to spend at least a portion of our healing wondering, What If, and, If Only, and wishing.... But it's not often that dumpers create threads on LS about how they regret ending a relationship. So did dumper merely see the writing on the wall that the relationship could never work before their partners, who perhaps later on, after the relationship is over and they have begun to heal, at last see, as well? I ask in part because I spent a long time after my most recent relationship absolutely CONFIDENT that my ex would regret breaking up with me, and that he would suffer from his decision to cut me out of his life, and I was so hurt that he never reached out in the two years now since it ended, which suggests he feels he made the right decision. Meanwhile I, while I see that the relationship had to end if nothing was going to change, also struggle with the feeling that it didn't HAVE to come to this. So far I have only had one relationship where it is 100% clear to me both that it needed to end and that I am better off for it having ended, even though it was not I who chose to end it. Just curious about others' thoughts/experiences.
louxor Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) A Google search for "regret breaking up" brought a dearth of pages compared to what I expected, and it got me thinking: Looking back at your previous relationships, whether you were dumped or the dumper, did they HAVE to end? We who were dumped seem to spend at least a portion of our healing wondering, What If, and, If Only, and wishing.... But it's not often that dumpers create threads on LS about how they regret ending a relationship. So did dumper merely see the writing on the wall that the relationship could never work before their partners, who perhaps later on, after the relationship is over and they have begun to heal, at last see, as well? I ask in part because I spent a long time after my most recent relationship absolutely CONFIDENT that my ex would regret breaking up with me, and that he would suffer from his decision to cut me out of his life, and I was so hurt that he never reached out in the two years now since it ended, which suggests he feels he made the right decision. Meanwhile I, while I see that the relationship had to end if nothing was going to change, also struggle with the feeling that it didn't HAVE to come to this. So far I have only had one relationship where it is 100% clear to me both that it needed to end and that I am better off for it having ended, even though it was not I who chose to end it. Just curious about others' thoughts/experiences. I think a break up is harder on the person who gets dumped for many reasons: 1. Quite often they don't see it coming - They are with someone who doesn't communicate well, so by the time the breakup occurs, the dumper has already spent time addressing the situation and by the time they break it up, they would have already started to move on. While on the other hand the person who gets dumped is left blindsided and never really gets an explanation which is very hard to deal with. 2. The dumper gets an ego boost, the dumpee's ego takes a blow (most of the time anyway). The dumper leaves feeling powerful, like they gave it all they had and when it didn't work they were the one who called the shot (again, they would have had some time to dwell on the decision while the dumpee would have been left in the dark for most of it). Then when it's over for the dumpee, they are left feeling like they failed, because the person left them - what did they do wrong? what should have they done instead? why did they become unloveable? 3. The dumpee messed up. I haven't experienced this, but I imagine losing someone you care about because you made a mistake must be a very hard thing to process. 4. The dumpee lives in hope, usually dead end hope. They are never 100% sure what their ex is feeling - will they want to get back with me, do they miss me? This can be hard to deal with because we as humans are genuinely hopeful thinking creatures. On the other hand, the dumper knows exactly what they want. Usually they know their ex misses them, but they aren't interested in them anymore so it doesnt matter. Im sure theres more to add to this list but those are the biggest ones i can think of. EDIT: In regards to people genuinely regretting leaving someone (not just because they miss the attention), I'd say would really only happen if the relationship ended on as good of terms as one can end on, then after a decent amount of reflection, they come to realise that the problems that caused the break up could be overcome - but usually by the time this happens the dumpee would have moved on so they are left with regret. Edited September 30, 2015 by louxor 4
Liono84 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I think a break up is harder on the person who gets dumped for many reasons: 1. Quite often they don't see it coming - They are with someone who doesn't communicate well, so by the time the breakup occurs, the dumper has already spent time addressing the situation and by the time they break it up, they would have already started to move on. While on the other hand the person who gets dumped is left blindsided and never really gets an explanation which is very hard to deal with. 2. The dumper gets an ego boost, the dumpee's ego takes a blow (most of the time anyway). The dumper leaves feeling powerful, like they gave it all they had and when it didn't work they were the one who called the shot (again, they would have had some time to dwell on the decision while the dumpee would have been left in the dark for most of it). Then when it's over for the dumpee, they are left feeling like they failed, because the person left them - what did they do wrong? what should have they done instead? why did they become unloveable? 3. The dumpee messed up. I haven't experienced this, but I imagine losing someone you care about because you made a mistake must be a very hard thing to process. 4. The dumpee lives in hope, usually dead end hope. They are never 100% sure what their ex is feeling - will they want to get back with me, do they miss me? This can be hard to deal with because we as humans are genuinely hopeful thinking creatures. On the other hand, the dumper knows exactly what they want. Usually they know their ex misses them, but they aren't interested in them anymore so it doesnt matter. Im sure theres more to add to this list but those are the biggest ones i can think of. EDIT: In regards to people genuinely regretting leaving someone (not just because they miss the attention), I'd say would really only happen if the relationship ended on as good of terms as one can end on, then after a decent amount of reflection, they come to realise that the problems that caused the break up could be overcome - but usually by the time this happens the dumpee would have moved on so they are left with regret. ^^^ I couldn't have said it any better. This is all true, especially #4. Many dumpees, myself included, carry/carried on with false hope that the dumper will regret their decision and come back. Initially, to have this hope is completely normal, and even healthy, as it's part of the mourning/healing process. For many of us, to accept being dumped along with the fact that the person we loved so much will NEVER come back to us is just too much to handle in the very beginning. So, as others here on LS have said, as times goes bye, we later accept the loss and gradually accept the fact that the dumper is never coming back. For some, though, that takes a very long time, unfortunately.... While reconciliations do indeed happen, it's important to note, they are not common. Just look around you, in real life. There's few stories of them happening. Also, if you just google breakups in general, it's usually flooded with dumpee related stories on countless sites. You won't find nearly as much dumper realted posts expressing regret for breaking up. I think that really shows how rare they are. 1
David87 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 A Google search for "regret breaking up" brought a dearth of pages compared to what I expected, and it got me thinking: Looking back at your previous relationships, whether you were dumped or the dumper, did they HAVE to end? We who were dumped seem to spend at least a portion of our healing wondering, What If, and, If Only, and wishing.... But it's not often that dumpers create threads on LS about how they regret ending a relationship. So did dumper merely see the writing on the wall that the relationship could never work before their partners, who perhaps later on, after the relationship is over and they have begun to heal, at last see, as well? I ask in part because I spent a long time after my most recent relationship absolutely CONFIDENT that my ex would regret breaking up with me, and that he would suffer from his decision to cut me out of his life, and I was so hurt that he never reached out in the two years now since it ended, which suggests he feels he made the right decision. Meanwhile I, while I see that the relationship had to end if nothing was going to change, also struggle with the feeling that it didn't HAVE to come to this. So far I have only had one relationship where it is 100% clear to me both that it needed to end and that I am better off for it having ended, even though it was not I who chose to end it. Just curious about others' thoughts/experiences. It sucks being dumped, no question about it. You wonder what went wrong what could you do to get them back ect. My relationship ended 2 years ago exactly like your situation, my ex never contacted me which means she took the right decision. Well I think it was for the best, because she's a horrible person, narcissistic and self centered, spoiled little brat who uses people:bunny:
guest569 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I waited and hoped for quite a while too. I knew fairly well from the moment he broke up with me that he wasn't coming back and he had said as much. But I just thought maybe, just maybe.. I would dream of him coming over with flowers to declare his love for me and how he regretted his decision. Currently in this stage again after a breakup. Something he had said gave me a glimmer of hope (you know, the 'maybe in the future..', but immediately I rolled my eyes and thought no, I don't do limbo. Even if they come back, do we want to take them back? Someone that would pack up and leave? What's to say they wouldn't do it again?
louxor Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) ^^^ I couldn't have said it any better. This is all true, especially #4. Many dumpees, myself included, carry/carried on with false hope that the dumper will regret their decision and come back. Initially, to have this hope is completely normal, and even healthy, as it's part of the mourning/healing process. For many of us, to accept being dumped along with the fact that the person we loved so much will NEVER come back to us is just too much to handle in the very beginning. So, as others here on LS have said, as times goes bye, we later accept the loss and gradually accept the fact that the dumper is never coming back. For some, though, that takes a very long time, unfortunately.... While reconciliations do indeed happen, it's important to note, they are not common. Just look around you, in real life. There's few stories of them happening. Also, if you just google breakups in general, it's usually flooded with dumpee related stories on countless sites. You won't find nearly as much dumper realted posts expressing regret for breaking up. I think that really shows how rare they are. This is a great addition to the false hope point and well worth reading. essentially this is true for everything in life, break ups just hurt significantly more. It helps me if I put compare my break up so similar events seperate from my love life - Ive been fired from a job I wouldn't mind having again because I got too comfortable and slacked off. I was extremely disappointed and regretted my decisions, but the employer had had enough and sent me packing. I wanted the job back, but I knew it wasnt going to happen - so i got a new one, a better suited one. - This is the same as a break up in essence, theres just no deep feelings that get hurt when it happens. So whenever I start to feel like my ex may want me back, I think of this. Sure its not the same as my situation with my ex, as I didn't slack off, but from her point of view she has just lost interest in me and it was time to move on. Edited September 30, 2015 by louxor
David87 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I think 80% of the people on LS are dumpees, the thing is dumpers don't suffer as much as we do... 1
candie13 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I think dumpees - and people experiencing loss in general - have a lot of self guilt. I also believe that this sense of self guilt comes from a desire to control the outcome - if only I had done (or didn't do) that, if only I had said that, etc etc. The desire to control is human because it leads us under the false believe that we are in charge or that we can determine to outcome of other people's action. And this is where we have it wrong. I think a lot of times the decision to not only break up but stay broken up has a lot to do with the other person. Their own fears, limitations, hopes and wounds... so while we may break our head until forever about what we could have done better, some things are just... not about us. They're about the other person. And no matter how much we try, it is not up to us to fight their battles. Be strong and determined for them. It's up to the other person to fight their inner demons... So basically, what I'm trying to say... I am sure that if a RS was good and decent and fulfilling, the other person regrets it. They must. It's impossible not to. But there are other things, stronger or more important that makes them stay put. Their own fears. Weaknesses. Their not coming back is not because they don't regret it. Maybe it's because it's too hard to admit to you and to themselves that they've been arseholes. Maybe it's because they do/did love you bur coming back to you makes them feel exposed and too vulnerable and they can't bare that. Very few people can have truly authentic RS... There are 2 people in a RS. There are 2 people in a break up too. The reasons for a break up are never one-sided... See, in my opinion, it does not matter why the 2 broke up. Irrelevant - reasons for fighting are so easy to find. What really matters is that the 2 people - or one of the 2 people - decided to not stay there anymore. IS that what people want? Quitters? People always choosing the easiest, most comfortable option? or someone choosing you when you're not looking or feeling especially lovable? Breaking up has a lot of times nothing to do with the person that's left behind. But with older wounds, re-opened. Or older fears, brought to life by new incidents. Up to everyone of us to fight our own inner darker side. Obviously, the partner choosing to flee was not ready... 6
Liono84 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I think dumpees - and people experiencing loss in general - have a lot of self guilt. I also believe that this sense of self guilt comes from a desire to control the outcome - if only I had done (or didn't do) that, if only I had said that, etc etc. The desire to control is human because it leads us under the false believe that we are in charge or that we can determine to outcome of other people's action. And this is where we have it wrong. I think a lot of times the decision to not only break up but stay broken up has a lot to do with the other person. Their own fears, limitations, hopes and wounds... so while we may break our head until forever about what we could have done better, some things are just... not about us. They're about the other person. And no matter how much we try, it is not up to us to fight their battles. Be strong and determined for them. It's up to the other person to fight their inner demons... So basically, what I'm trying to say... I am sure that if a RS was good and decent and fulfilling, the other person regrets it. They must. It's impossible not to. But there are other things, stronger or more important that makes them stay put. Their own fears. Weaknesses. Their not coming back is not because they don't regret it. Maybe it's because it's too hard to admit to you and to themselves that they've been arseholes. Maybe it's because they do/did love you bur coming back to you makes them feel exposed and too vulnerable and they can't bare that. Very few people can have truly authentic RS... There are 2 people in a RS. There are 2 people in a break up too. The reasons for a break up are never one-sided... See, in my opinion, it does not matter why the 2 broke up. Irrelevant - reasons for fighting are so easy to find. What really matters is that the 2 people - or one of the 2 people - decided to not stay there anymore. IS that what people want? Quitters? People always choosing the easiest, most comfortable option? or someone choosing you when you're not looking or feeling especially lovable? Breaking up has a lot of times nothing to do with the person that's left behind. But with older wounds, re-opened. Or older fears, brought to life by new incidents. Up to everyone of us to fight our own inner darker side. Obviously, the partner choosing to flee was not ready... Wow, this is so well written and insightful!! I read this 3 times. This really shed some new light relating to my breakup. It's funny because I've thought about it from all different angles, but I've never really thought of it in this way. 1
Xidion Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Really what it boils down to is current times. People have no sense of loyalty or knowledge of what it takes to maintain a long lasting relationship. Communication skills it what lacks the most. Nowadays if something isn't going the way a person likes, they either start a fight or drop hints and hope their partner picks up on it.. when they don't, they start to resent them. I've been left several times and I must say, I've treated the people I've been with well. Sure, we had arguments. However, never has a partner of mine looked at me and said, "I'm not happy and our relationship is on the brink of destruction, I love you, and I want this to work, so we need to sit down and have a serious talk". Nope... never. People would rather line someone else up behind your back and dump you out of nowhere. Bottom line is when things get tough, people just bail. 1
buck3200 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I was never the type to give up on a LTR most of my life. Now that I'm older, I have ended my last 3....I miss all of them, and REALLY wish I had thought about it more before acting.... 1
candie13 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I was never the type to give up on a LTR most of my life. Now that I'm older, I have ended my last 3....I miss all of them, and REALLY wish I had thought about it more before acting.... I've left my last RS and I too think I should have ... talked more during the RS. Bonded more. Exposed myself more... or at least, loved less . Anyways, my ex is an idiot for letting me leave . I also believe that people meant to be together should just cut the crap and stay together. I know if I thought a guy was "the guy", I would raise hell before letting him leave. I'm generally the sort of girl showing a guy the door, if I feel he wants to leave of have second thoughts, haha. 2
Shock148 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 A Google search for "regret breaking up" brought a dearth of pages compared to what I expected, and it got me thinking: Looking back at your previous relationships, whether you were dumped or the dumper, did they HAVE to end? We who were dumped seem to spend at least a portion of our healing wondering, What If, and, If Only, and wishing.... But it's not often that dumpers create threads on LS about how they regret ending a relationship. So did dumper merely see the writing on the wall that the relationship could never work before their partners, who perhaps later on, after the relationship is over and they have begun to heal, at last see, as well? I ask in part because I spent a long time after my most recent relationship absolutely CONFIDENT that my ex would regret breaking up with me, and that he would suffer from his decision to cut me out of his life, and I was so hurt that he never reached out in the two years now since it ended, which suggests he feels he made the right decision. Meanwhile I, while I see that the relationship had to end if nothing was going to change, also struggle with the feeling that it didn't HAVE to come to this. So far I have only had one relationship where it is 100% clear to me both that it needed to end and that I am better off for it having ended, even though it was not I who chose to end it. Just curious about others' thoughts/experiences. It is night and day when you are the dumper or the dumpee. I have been in both situations. As the dumper, I knew I did not want to be with the person because of so and so problem or because I did not really feel we would go anywhere. Once I ended it, I would receive messages from time to time from my ex but I always just viewed them as friends and never really thought of the relationship anymore. As a dumpee, I knew the relationship had problems but I wanted to try to work on it and not give up because of "blind love." When it is finally over you have a state of shock because you have spent so much time with that particular person that for you to go about another routine that does not involve them is extremely hard. I thought my ex would regret it and hope that her next relationship or time apart showed that but of course since she was the dumper, she doesnt. Most dumpers, including myself when I was/am in those shoes, check out emotional weeks or months before it is over while the dumpee never checks out emotionally from the relationship. Thats the main difference.
candie13 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 As a dumpee, I knew the relationship had problems but I wanted to try to work on it and not give up because of "blind love." When it is finally over you have a state of shock because you have spent so much time with that particular person that for you to go about another routine that does not involve them is extremely hard. I thought my ex would regret it and hope that her next relationship or time apart showed that but of course since she was the dumper, she doesnt. Most dumpers, including myself when I was/am in those shoes, check out emotional weeks or months before it is over while the dumpee never checks out emotionally from the relationship. Thats the main difference. not all break ups are identical. not all people expect the break u - I was the dumper and I sure as hell was not expecting to break up with my ex nor did I plan it. However, it is true that when the sh*t hits the fan, he or she who is the least emotionally involved in the RS lands on their feet first. But it's also true that he or she who's the most scared runs furthest . thing is... you just never know. I just try to be a good person - in my RS and in real life. Try to do the best I can, have faith in people and just... move on with life when stuff doesn't turn out the way I want / like.
guest569 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Its a strange thing but you battle with your self believing they will come back no matter how irrational because the alternative is unbearable
candie13 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Its a strange thing but you battle with your self believing they will come back no matter how irrational because the alternative is unbearable maybe it's a natural self defense mechanism. my birthday was almost one month after the break up. No Contact from his side helped me understand that not only are we broken up but there's no come back in view anytime soon. I still needed two more months to digest it properly and move on - and I hadn't even been dating my ex for that long. But I sure believed it would work out ... 1
BC1980 Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Oftentimes, I think that we regret what could have been. What we wished had been. And sometimes, the more time that passes, more regret builds because we forget the reality. With regards to your ex, I don't know why he never contacted you, but, when a lot of time passes, it gets more and more awkward to initiate contact. It becomes easier to keep going forward, and I think that's a good thing. You also can't necessarily say that him not contacting you means no regrets on his part. But to your bigger question: did it have to end? I don't think there is an answer to that. I guess you could say nothing MUST end, but the fact is that it did. 2
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