How would I get an ex back IF she wanted to be 'smothered' and loved?

[lover4721]

So - we were perfect this summer. We had rough patches, which was my fault on playing my game too hard. I would push her away so then she would come back and try harder. I was teasing.

Half of the problem was that we were not romantic, sexual, intimate, etc. We would meet up and do the same thing time after time.

She was a college student and didn't have money. I was in this situation at one time in my life, so I felt bad asking her to do anything. She would suggest to meet-up, go to dunkin donuts, etc.

 

We were good.

 

Then an issue occurred where basically because I wouldn't hold her hand, she thought I didn't love her. She sat in her car crying, and I unfortunately was not emotionally available so I just kind of sat there. She drove off, said we were done, and went cold for a few days. I thought for sure we were done. Deep down inside, I didn't think she was the right one, which is why I think I would push her away. I didn't agree with her family issues, college decisions, and her mental problems.

 

Days later, she came back apologizing. She went on another date and said it was horrible, which is why she came back to me. She said she was curious to see what was out there - if she could have gotten better attention than I was giving. She said she was dying to be smothered and obsessed over. She said I am the only guy she needs.

 

I met her family and we had a great time! She said she was excited and she was glad I got to meet her family. She said 'A week ago, I thought we would never be here.'

 

Then after that, I found she was back on OkCupid. I had a problem with this. I really wanted to be over with the relationship. So I pushed her away. She asked to go to the beach, and I said 'no'. Deep down I wanted to go. She said she knew I was going to say no.

 

I feel like now she is afraid to ask me anything. I asked her 'what beach' a day after. She said 'no. I'm done'.

She said I am always hot and cold, I say sweet things, and then I say things like 'we would never be together'.

She didn't say we were done for good after that conversation. She sort of just said we shouldn't be blaming each other, and we should work things out. She said she was sorry for leaving (before the date) and it wouldn't happen again.

 

I said a few nice things, etc. She didn't reply in 2 hours (probably sleeping, because when we had issues, she was up early in the AM and then took a nap around 7PM). Then she said 'hi' and I didn't reply. I found out she made another dating profile... so then I couldn't trust her.

 

She had told me she was on the first profile (but then deactivated it when I mentioned it) because I pushed her away so badly that she felt alone.

 

This last conversation was last Saturday.

 

I was around her area and saw her car. I messaged her and asked if she was driving. I did not get a reply back.

 

I'm not sure where to go with this now. Sure, I miss her. We were best friends. We had known each other for a year. When she asked about the beach, she said she is 1000% committed but I don't see it. I was playing hard to get, wanting to have her ask me again.I was teasing, but she didn't know that. She is 'fragile'. This is her first relationship.

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I'm not sure if I should wait this out OR try to talk to her. She would like me to beg for her attention, because she said then it shows that I care, whereas when I am 'cold' and leave without saying anything, she says I don't care.

 

I just think I should wait it out like last time -- but last time, she said "I just wanted you to message me to know that you care!"

That is what is confusing. I am not so courageous to message her and have her 'reject' me. So I will wait for her. Maybe she needs space and time to think... OR, maybe she needs to me message her like she has always wanted. She always wanted me to message her first, but I never did.

 

I did message her asking if she was driving Monday night, but she has not replied. Is this the only message I should send? That is what is confusing -- she wants me to message her, but I did and she didn't reply. AND, she likes to think things through - so maybe she needs that. I'm not sure -- any advice?

 

The problem is - I feel so lonely... I feel like I haven't given our relationship my all. She said meeting her family was a big deal, and she was ready to take this relationship even further. But I didn't take this seriously... I couldn't trust her. But now as I read a book, everything positive he said, she had done. I just feel like I should have accepted her 'request for a second chance' instead of constantly bring up the date. I am kind of wanting to start all over like she wanted.

Edited September 8, 2015 by lover4721

[ah1295]

I wish I had the perfect answer for you. I see some similarities in what is going on with me. I think it couldn't hurt to contact her. That's what I'm hoping my bf will to for the same reason. To show that he really cares.

 

The timing of the dating sites isn't great though but maybe she was doing that in retaliation. Trying to get over you. I hope it works out. It sounds like you know you don't want to miss out. I feel a lot of the same way you said.

[lover4721]

Yeah, and that is the thing. I did try to contact her yesterday, but she did not reply.

 

And yes - she felt so 'alone' because I pushed her away. So she started searching again.

 

She then deactivated the profile... but then I found out she had another one, which just really hurt me.

[lover4721]

Scroll to the bottom -- it summarizes the question I am asking.

The rest of the post is more detailed - such as her messages saying she wants to be 'obsessed over', she came back once already, etc.

 

Okay - situation is we dated for almost a year.

I'm not sure what happened, but we lost it.

 

We were at the movies, and I didn't hold her hand because her rings were hurting my fingers.

I didn't sense anything was wrong.

 

We got outside, and she got in her car.

Supposedly, she wanted me to sit in there and kiss her for an hour.

She was basically mute.

I went into my car to give her time because she said she wanted to go home, and told me to 'just go home'.

 

I sat in my car as she cried. I was so mentally exhausted that I couldn't do anything but give her time.

She left, and said we were done.

Days after, she said she wishes I would text her so she knows I care.

I did, and told her I was thinking of her as I saw something that reminded me of us.

Week after, she messaged me apologizing and begging for me back.

She said she went on a date, and realized that she loved me and just wanted to go to the hotel and 'make love'.

She said "I assumed you would know what I needed, but I guess not. I want you to tease me instead of watch the movie. I want you to suggest new dates. I want to take you on roller coasters. Buy a small house. Get a dog, and walk them day and night. I want to make love to you all night."

 

Week after, we went to a hotel because it was her Dad's party that weekend.

I asked her to be my girlfriend.

 

We had a blast at the party.

She said she was REALLY glad that I came, and meeting her family was a very very big deal for her.

 

After that, I kind of told her that I wasn't ready for a committed relationship because I felt like I took her back too fast. I felt betrayed that she didn't tell me what was bothering her. She just left and dated someone else.

 

Then she asked if I wanted to go to the beach and I didn't reply because I was working.

She was basically having a panic attack because of that.

 

Then at the end of the day, I asked what hotel.

She said she was done.

She said I am too hot and cold (even though she said this was a good thing the first time she came back).

 

---

Week after that day, I asked if I saw her driving. No reply. Two days after, I told her I was ready to give us a second chance to be happy.

She said she moved on.

I told her that I was teasing most of the time, and did not meant to hurt her.

She said she does agree it is now time to move on.

I said okay.

She never replied.

 

It has been 3 weeks since that.

---

 

NOW, what would I do?

She always said she is DYING for me to 'obsess' over her, and show her that I care.

She is DYING for that affection -- that feeling of being 'wanted'.

She always wanted me to text her so that I care.

She did say she always comes back because deep down she believes I do care...and I do.

 

Do I wait another week (full month from last conversation) to ask her to a simple date?

Do I do small talk?

Wish her goodnight? She always wanted me to say goodnight/good morning. She said I did a few times, and it was 'amazing'.

I'm not sure how I proceed.

 

OR, do I wait for her to miss me like she did last time?

I DID already say I was ready to give us a second chance to be happy, something she has always told me.

Is that enough to basically tell her that I'm ready, learned about myself, and ready to have the relationship?

She is quite needy - and I did read some articles that they enjoy being chased a bit.

And I have always seemed to be 'distant' -- so is she desperate for me to step up to the plate? Do I show her that I do still care?

All I'm doing now is leaving her, and it has been something I've been doing for the entire year...

We had amazing times.

We never fought in person...and never talked in person either.

It's all been text...

 

So what do I do?

Edited September 30, 2015 by lover4721

[louxor]

You had your relationship

She left you

She went on a date with someone else and didn't enjoy it

She begged to have you back

You accepted

You did your best to give her want she wanted

She left you again

She went on another date/plans to go on another date (Probably)

She doesn't enjoy that date (maybe)

She begs to have you back (Probably if the above line is true)

And so on and so forth, with each cycle becoming harder and harder for you to cope with

 

Can you see the pattern here?

- She's already left you, twice. She clearly does not know what she wants but to me it seems like you are her #2. When dating someone else doesn't work, she comes running back to you for comfort...that is, until another potential date comes along and she leaves you again.

I believe this cycle will keep going on and on until she either finds someone else who she's happy to stay with after she leaves you, or until you decide that you're better and more important than being someone's #2.

 

EDIT: The fact that you have never fought or talked about important issues in person just shows that the respect for good communication between you two as partners isn't there and never will be there.

Edited September 30, 2015 by louxor

[lover4721]

She left because I was not giving her what she needed.

She dated because she was so upset (she even looks on dating site when I disappeared, because she said 'or else I'll be crying like a little girl.') and her sorority sister hooked her up.

She is not outgoing and very conservative. She knew she was not going to like him. She said all she could do was think of me. She came back because she realized I'm the only guy she needs and that she 'loved me'. I'm not sure if I was 2nd. It does not seem so at all.

She has divorced parents, and her Dad cheated on her Mom - so she has a strong view on not cheating.

She was even faithful as we were friends and just dating.

 

I never accepted her back...

She had to go through SO many hoops.

 

And I did not do my best to give her what she wanted.

I didn't even see her text message that day until we were over.

 

You see - I'm taking blame.

She did well on her end.

 

But what did you expect her to do -- pursue me and not purse anyone else when I ran away randomly?

 

That is what I mean -- I understand my faults and my issues.

NOW I am willing to give it a shot.

I read a few books on trust and I feel like I can actually respond to her requests instead of ignoring them.

 

I agree - we had poor communication.

It was her first true relationship, first love, etc.

 

I'm just wondering if it is best to ask her to a date I had planned, or leave it go until she has enough time to realize that I was showing that I cared by telling her I was ready for a second chance.

Edited September 30, 2015 by lover4721

[louxor]

I never accepted her back...

She had to go through SO many hoops.

 

And I did not do my best to give her what she wanted.

I didn't even see her text message that day until we were over.

 

You see - I'm taking blame.

She did well on her end.

 

But what did you expect her to do -- pursue me and not purse anyone else when I ran away randomly?

 

That is what I mean -- I understand my faults and my issues.

NOW I am willing to give it a shot.

I read a few books on trust and I feel like I can actually respond to her requests instead of ignoring them.

 

I agree - we had poor communication.

It was her first true relationship, first love, etc.

 

I'm just wondering if it is best to ask her to a date I had planned, or leave it go until she has enough time to realize that I was showing that I cared by telling her I was ready for a second chance.

 

My mistake on interpreting that first part wrong!

 

IN regards to giving her another shot, that one's up to you, but if you do decide to do that, and she does agree, you have to know that the chances of it failing outweigh the chances of it being successful, simply because once you've broken up with someone it is hard to regain all that was lost when you try again - it is possible, but it's hard.

 

Once you've thought about that, it up to you to decide whether you want to risk being upset over another potential break up - basically if the rewards outplay the risk in your mind then go for it. HOWEVER, I would not even consider trying again unless you both sit down, face to face (no texting) and talk about everything that went wrong as well as work out why your communication had been so poor. If you don't sort out the communication issue then i'd be willing to bet that it wouldn't work out again.

 

EDIT: There's also the chance that even before all this, you ask her to give it another go and she declines, which will no doubt hurt to hear. You have to be prepared for the quite possible chance of rejection if you do chose to contact her again.

Edited September 30, 2015 by louxor

[dumbass2]

"She always said she is DYING for me to 'obsess' over her, and show her that I care.

She is DYING for that affection -- that feeling of being 'wanted'.

She always wanted me to text her so that I care.

She did say she always comes back because deep down she believes I do care...and I do."

 

You had a second chance at this already with her and didn't do what she wanted. You do those things when you are in a relationship. It's impossible to do those things now because you are not. The first time and the second time you did not show her enough affection in her eyes. She knows you. You tried twice already. Why on earth, after so little time, would she take another chance and think that you've changed? Go ahead and try your best, but put your self in her shoes. I think she needs more than what you can offer.

[lover4721]

So - I have a question pertaining on how to get my 'ex back.'

Well, it isn't so much getting her back, but looking like a man.

 

Basically, she was upset that I didn't hold her hand. She was crying and left.

I went NC - she kept telling me to show her that I care and text her.

Her friend hooked her up.

She hated the guy.

She came back, but I felt so hurt that she left us without talking about it.

She apologized and begged.

Sooner or later, we met up to go to her Dad's party.

I asked her to be my girlfriend.

She said yes, and the night went on...

We had a great time at the party. She absolutely loved it - she was glad we did it - and did not see that happening a week before when we stopped talking.

---

Week after, I felt as if I took her back too easily and I didn't want a commitment. A user on here said that I still had a wound from that experience, and I wanted to heal it before anything.

She said she was done.

She said she met someone new. She was always on the dating site looking for a rebound if we stopped talking.

---

 

We have our own personal site where we share quotes, cuddling pictures, and some sexual pictures.

She loved our site and I saw her visiting regularly.

2 weeks ago, she visited. 1 week ago, I tried to talk to her letting her know I'm ready to start over (since she wanted this).

She acted alright - texting me back when I kept telling her 'Okay, I understand. Goodnight.'

She visited the site 30 minutes after our message... then she text messaged me saying "It's too late. You're just too late."

 

---

 

Now my question is odd -- I hate to take down our site because it may remind her of the good times we shared.

The relationship was good - treated very well - fun dates - we grow together - and we were friends for the first 4 months we have known each other. She suggested taking this further too. She said she supposedly dreamed of us walking our dogs in the morning and night - having horses - etc.

However, I DO want to take down the site because I feel pathetic for not moving on.

 

What do you think would elicit the positive times we had?

IF the site was removed? OR if the site was still there?

If it is still there - she may imagine...

If it is GONE - she may feel a sense of loss.

I'm speaking from a Psychology point of view.

 

Do I keep the site to remind her that we were so sexually similar? OR do I remove it to evoke a sense of loss?

I feel like if I delete it, I'm running away - and she used to hate that I became so hot and cold.

If I keep it, I'm persistent and I'm showing that I'm 'not leaving', something she feared.

I feel like I'm damned with whatever I do -- I'm just trying to figure out what she needs, and then give it to her.

Does she need me to ignore her?

OR does she need me to be a man and see if I'm strong enough to 'stay'.

Edited October 14, 2015 by lover4721

[lover4721]

In short, I'm stuck between doing so and not doing so.

I feel as if wishing her a happy birthday a year ago, started us again... BUT I also feel that ignoring her makes her come back.

But then, she may think I'm some douchebag and I haven't changed IF I don't text her.

She texted me (Nov. 25) and asked if it was my birthday. I said yes, and asked who it was. My Sister's said she probably got mad at me asking who it was, even though I didn't have contacts in my new phone yet. She never wished me a happy birthday.

 

She is single and got out of a rebound. We took a break before our break up, which was a week. After, I was hesitant about letting her back because she left without telling me what happened, and was mad that I didn't hold her hand when really the issue was that I was watching the guy at the movies to make sure he wasn't going to blow the place up.

If I text her, I'm giving her what she wants.

If I don't, I may be losing a reconciliation, her friends would say I'm a douche, and I'm proving to her that I am still a douche that stopped loving her.

So I'm stuck.

I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. Literally.

She is the anxious type - she seeks people when they don't respond.

But not responding means I'm a douche and she would then never consider it.

 

I'd be reinforcing her behavior to ignore me.

If I do wish her a happy birthday, she'd like that since she always wanted me to wish her a GOOD MORNING, and said the few times I did it, she felt amazing... When I stopped, she hated it and asked me to do it more often, and I never did only because I didn't feel the need to.

SO IF I wish her a happy birthday, I may be saying I'm willing to work things out and I've dealt with my ****ty job that made me miserable, so I have energy to say good morning.

 

---

 

Basically, I'm stuck between wishing her a happy birthday and not wishing her one.

I feel like I'm only being used IF I wish her a happy birthday.

I feel this reason because she just wants to know I'm still alive and that I'm still available. I feel like I'd be giving her an ego boost, just like what I felt when she asked if it was my birthday (Nov. 25)... and then not replying back to me when I said yes, and asked who it was.

 

To wish her a happy birthday means I'd be reinforcing her silent behavior... "OH now he shows me he loves me, but couldn't when we were together. I must be doing something right! He is making me feel good and we aren't even together." - even though I did, she just wanted someone to obsess over her and smother her (her words). So I wasn't enough, and she said she will never be happy with anyone because she wants to be obsessed over.

 

She has always responded better when I would not contact her.

It seems like when we would talk (only twice since we were done), she would stop viewing my tumblr.

IF we went two weeks without talking, she'd view my tumblr a few times a week, even every other day, to about once a week.

When we talk, she could go weeks without looking me up and seeing what I'm doing.

 

---

 

Anyhow, she asked if it was my birthday. I said yes, and asked who it was.

She didn't reply.

Hours later, I asked if it was her, and she didn't reply.

So I left it at that. My Sister's said she probably got mad when I asked who it was... Sorry, I redid my phone and Google Contacts didn't sync.

 

Now... She could have been wanting to maybe get back together since I learned that she is back to online dating. Maybe she didn't know how to approach it since last time something like this happened, I kept rejecting her until then I accepted. After that, I met her family and she felt good about us. Then I felt like I took her back too fast, and I started to withdraw. She said she got tired of asking me to do so much but I never did it.

Before the first time we took a break, I was at t0he movies and I was watching this guy who was in the front who was scaring her (she was anxious of him). I forgot to hold her hand, and she got mad and just ended it there.

---

 

So if I wish one, it could be that conversation that is needed to reconcile -- it could show that I care so that she doesn't go to her friends and say "He didn't wish me a happy birthday", etc.

I could be the good guy.

OR, I could not wish her a happy birthday, since she never wished ME one... then that could be telling her that I moved on, I'm not willing to be used by her, and the only option to talk to me would be to get back together.

 

In December of last year, I was teasing her when I said "Oh no, this isn't Billy" when we started to text. She stopped replying. I wished her a happy birthday, and that was the start of it all.

 

So - based on her anxious attachment style, how we ended (my lack of giving her emotional needs), her single availability, behavior, etc. -- what would be the best way of having her contact me?

 

Just ignore it and not wish her a happy birthday?

Then I could be losing a chance IF she is wanting to reconcile if I say it...

Her friends would call me a douche.

OR, she could feel as if I moved on, start acting curious, know that I'm not emotionally available for her, etc.

 

Wish her a happy birthday?

I could be acting as if I'm still waiting for her.

She will continue to ignore me because doing so, she is actually getting my attention.

Edited December 8, 2015 by lover4721

[pidgeon1010]

Happy Birthday wishes (and responses) should not be used as a gauge on whether reconciliation is possible. It usually means nothing coming from the dumper (or the dumpee in certain cases). My birthday was last week and I didn't hear a peep from my ex. I am glad I didn't because it would have given me hope. We are broken up and he owes me nada. If he were to decide down the road that he wants me back and reached out to me for reconciliation (I am not holding my breath, unlikely hypothetical), the fact that he didn't wish me a happy birthday would really have no bearing on my response.

 

If you want her back, let her know and stop playing these silly "birthday wishes" games. If you are concerned about your ego being on the line, you are really not interested in reconciling and at this point, it's mostly a game to you. And if her decision to reconcile, if at all, is based on whether you send her birthday greetings, then it is not really rooted in anything substantive and is doomed to fail.

 

How old are you two?

 

Life is too short for this cat and mouse game.

[lover4721]

Happy Birthday wishes (and responses) should not be used as a gauge on whether reconciliation is possible. It usually means nothing coming from the dumper (or the dumpee in certain cases). My birthday was last week and I didn't hear a peep from my ex. I am glad I didn't because it would have given me hope. We are broken up and he owes me nada. If he were to decide down the road that he wants me back and reached out to me for reconciliation (I am not holding my breath, unlikely hypothetical), the fact that he didn't wish me a happy birthday would really have no bearing on my response.

 

If you want her back, let her know and stop playing these silly "birthday wishes" games. If you are concerned about your ego being on the line, you are really not interested in reconciling and at this point, it's mostly a game to you. And if her decision to reconcile, if at all, is based on whether you send her birthday greetings, then it is not really rooted in anything substantive and is doomed to fail.

 

How old are you two?

 

Life is too short for this cat and mouse game.

Wishing her a happy birthday would indicate that I'm no longer withdrawing and that I would make the same effort as I have been doing.

If I don't, she'd remember all the times that I would withdraw from her and in her mind, I'd be the same douche as I was when we were in the relationship.

 

Contacting me asking if it was my birthday could have been a relaxed way in seeing if I'd respond or if I would ignored her like I have done in our relationship. She always said she felt weak when she would give in to me. So wishing her a happy birthday would initiate that relaxed friendship we had months before we dated. Not wishing a happy birthday would again, make her feel weak in giving in to me as I feel right now giving into her and wishing her a happy birthday.

 

It makes sense on my end. If I don't, she'd think I never changed.

I'm 23. She is turning 21.

 

If she truly moved on, she would forget about me. I know for a fact that she wouldn't text me because again she felt weak giving into me. She is constantly stalking my Tumblr to see what I'm up to. She is the anxious type that doesn't let go.

The text message had to mean something, even the smallest something.

 

Maybe your ex didn't wish you a happy birthday because he truly moved on.

But wouldn't you think the same thing if he was always on your Tumblr for three months after your breakup and then decided to message you on your birthday?

If it didn't mean Something she would have just said happy birthday instead of ignoring me.

She feels vulnerable and hates it.

Edited December 8, 2015 by lover4721

[pidgeon1010]

The question is do you want to be with her or not. What if she didn't have a birthday coming up. Then what? I am not understanding why you are placing so much importance on a birthday greeting. You could reach out to her RIGHT NOW, apologize for withdrawing during the relationship, and let her know you are ready to put in the effort to make the relationship work. What is stopping you?

 

You don't sound like someone who truly wants to be with her and should leave her alone. If you think something as small as wishing her a happy birthday is giving in to her silent treatment (which she initiated because you treated her poorly), you are clearly not ready to step up and be invested in the relationship like she wants.

[lover4721]

I'm asking because it seems as if NOT TRYING and not contacting her would not work.

 

Basically, her problem with me was that she asked me to hold hands, kiss, and tease more often but I didn't.

She said this after we broke up for a week. She came back from a date and said she learned that she loved me, and feels as if she is walking away from our dream. She said she expected me to know how to treat her, but she had to tell me.

So she told me that she wanted to hold hands (I didn't because I forgot when I was watching this guy she was scared of in the movie theater), wanted me to tease her more than watch the movie, kiss her, etc.

She felt as if I withdrew from the relationship and she was doing all of the effort.

She wanted me to wish her a good morning and a good night, but she felt like she was doing that all. She said the few times I DID wish her a good morning and good night, it felt amazing to her.

 

So IF she wanted me to do all of that, how would I go about acting towards her?

Should I attempt to get back together, and be persistent?

I don't want to beg and plea, etc.

 

But we are the same.

If she would have done that to me (which she did, and I denied but then accepted), I would have accepted as long as she was persistent because I feel like she really wants to get back together.

 

NOW, if I do that to her?

I feel weak and pathetic, as if I'm putting her on a pedestal. But doing this would indicate that I'm ready to 'love' her and put effort into the relationship.

How would I go about this?