Happy????

[BluEyeL]

I am so happy, I'm borderline crazy. Life is so good that I sometimes think I may have magic powers that I can have everything i want like that. I feel like singing every morning when I wake up. Weird. I know being in a happy relationship that is past the early stages has a lot to do with it, although I do have a happy disposition in general. Now is just enhanced.

 

I know how people say quickly to call it quits and I often do not agree. But some other times, posters come here when the problems are really serious and it becomes clear to the outsiders that there is not much they could do to save the relationship.

Edited September 30, 2015 by BluEyeL

[Gaeta]

We live in a throw away society and unfortunately many people also do that with others as well.

 

Guyouthere: When you are in a real relationship. When you are married, have children together, or when you live with someone, yes you do what ever to save your union. You show patience and you seek professional help. There is actually something to salvage but both party have to want it.

 

When someone that's been in your life for a couple of months and has only made your life miserable, when that person does not enhance your life but makes it complicated and painful, when that person is not half committed to you, YES you throw it away. It's worthless, It's not meant to be. There is no happy days to go back to, there is no history to revive.

[Jules Dash]

We live in a throw away society and unfortunately many people also do that with others as well.

 

I absolutely agree that two people in a relationship must do their best to keep the relationship alive. It is 50/50 effort.

 

But if one person is carrying most of the weight, then the relationship is becomes imbalanced and unstable... The relationship is bound to die. There comes a time when "fixing" the relationship is futile and the best course of action is simply to let it die in peace.

 

It is unhealthy to remain in a toxic/unhappy relationship. A lot of people that post in this forum are in toxic/unhappy relationships. Hence, the same advice they are given.

 

I agree.

 

There isn't nearly as much advice on how to actually work through common relationship or dating issues as there is advice to "next" someone or breakup with someone.

 

 

Relationships are often very complicated and cannot be adquately summed up in a post. Because of this as well as other factors, I would not rush to the dump advice.

 

We have to be careful because we are quickly developing a dating scene where people are treated as if they are items in a vending machine and no one wants to try to work through anything. They just turn their head to item 147 and push the button.

 

It's the throw away society that you described. A lot of this has to do with dating apps and internet forums. You have the options on the dating sites and the posts on the forums that encourage you to continue to exercise more options and get rid of the option that isn't working 100%.

[mrldii]

Yup...very happy.

 

In most of my posts, I reply from a been-there-done-that-got-[and-burned-]the-t-shirt mode.

 

If I don't know WTF is being discussed, then I keep my fingers still.

[kpl]

I agree.

 

There isn't nearly as much advice on how to actually work through common relationship or dating issues as there is advice to "next" someone or breakup with someone.

 

 

Relationships are often very complicated and cannot be adquately summed up in a post. Because of this as well as other factors, I would not rush to the dump advice.

 

We have to be careful because we are quickly developing a dating scene where people are treated as if they are items in a vending machine and no one wants to try to work through anything. They just turn their head to item 147 and push the button.

 

It's the throw away society that you described. A lot of this has to do with dating apps and internet forums. You have the options on the dating sites and the posts on the forums that encourage you to continue to exercise more options and get rid of the option that isn't working 100%.

 

I think in most cases ppl tell ppl to dump ppl that have disrespected them or have shown that they do not care about them. Why on earth would anyone want to stay or try to revive a relationship where the person has already shown disinterest, dumped you, or treated you the way you haven't been treated. I think this mentality is dangerous and ppl end up sticking with ppl that are toxic because they want to fight for a relationship. In my life you have 1 chance, I let you know why something bothered me and if you do it again, NEXT! I'm not going to keep giving ppl the chance to hurt me.

[Gaeta]

I agree.

 

There isn't nearly as much advice on how to actually work through common relationship or dating issues as there is advice to "next" someone or breakup with someone.

 

 

Relationships are often very complicated and cannot be adquately summed up in a post. Because of this as well as other factors, I would not rush to the dump advice.

 

We have to be careful because we are quickly developing a dating scene where people are treated as if they are items in a vending machine and no one wants to try to work through anything. They just turn their head to item 147 and push the button.

 

It's the throw away society that you described. A lot of this has to do with dating apps and internet forums. You have the options on the dating sites and the posts on the forums that encourage you to continue to exercise more options and get rid of the option that isn't working 100%.

 

Are you familiar with OP's story?

 

She is 30 years younger. He met her once. He gave her money. She hide other men from him. She told him flat out she doesn't love him. He wants to hang on to her, you would advice him to put all his efforts into this?

[mrldii]

Personally, there's not a wholehelluvalot I'm going to "work through" when dating a guy.

 

I save that expenditure of time, energy, and patience for when I'm actually in a relationship with a him. As a matter of fact, if while dating someone, there are issues to work through, there's a problem. Already.

 

I don't do 'problems. Already' while dating, as I thought that was the purpose of dating: to weed out the 'problems. Already.'

[Guyouthere]

Throwing away puts the power in the other persons hands.

 

You can't be "thrown away" if you choose to acknowledge the situation as it is.

 

If someone doesn't want a relationship with you anymore, then that's their decision. No one owes you a relationship. No one obligated to stay with you, no more than you are obligated to stay with them.

 

Relationships are moment to moment choices. Some will last a lifetime, some won't. Despite our best efforts, *all* relationships eventually end, whether we want them to or not.

 

I know the grief of endings. Of losing people I cared deeply for. Yet in the end, it's simply life. Isn't it better to leave a relationship of misery, than remained chained to one?

 

Yes, you can still be thrown away.

 

Even if you want to sugar coat it, people do get thrown away. Just be realistic, not self soothing.

[Guyouthere]

Are you familiar with OP's story?

 

She is 30 years younger. He met her once. He gave her money. She hide other men from him. She told him flat out she doesn't love him. He wants to hang on to her, you would advice him to put all his efforts into this?

 

Not 30 years,,, did you come up with this number on your own?

 

She had a guy, not sure 100 percent she was involved with him romantically.

 

I don't know what she is thinking.

 

We already went through a lot more than most people would in a lifetime.

 

I feel there is hope if she can heal.

 

Simple.

[Gaeta]

Not 30 years,,, did you come up with this number on your own?

 

Deduction dear Watson.

 

She is 24

You said you were older than me and I am 49

Between 25 to 30 years is all the same thing

[Guyouthere]

Guyouthere: When you are in a real relationship. When you are married, have children together, or when you live with someone, yes you do what ever to save your union. You show patience and you seek professional help. There is actually something to salvage but both party have to want it.

 

When someone that's been in your life for a couple of months and has only made your life miserable, when that person does not enhance your life but makes it complicated and painful, when that person is not half committed to you, YES you throw it away. It's worthless, It's not meant to be. There is no happy days to go back to, there is no history to revive.

 

I was married 15 years, so know all about that. That was simply a woman who couldn't keep her pants on around other guys.

 

Who said this girl didn't enhance my life and I hers? We both did.

 

I beg to differ with you with the "history" too.,,,

 

There is a history there.

[Gaeta]

 

There is a history there.

 

6 months online and 1 visit. That's your history together.

 

Don't get me wrong, I have been in your shoes. After I got out of a 15 year marriage my first love was a man online from another country. It lasted a year and I went there 2 times. Looking back at it it was nothing. I was lost and I would have hung on to anything and that's what I did, I hung on to this man till my knuckles got blue! when he broke up with me it was like being in withdrawal from drugs!! it was SO painful ! but we had NOTHING. It was all in my head !!! Seeing a man twice in a year (or a woman once in 6 months) is NOT 'having something'. It's just a band-aid on the wound. It's time to pull it off Guyouthere.

[Guyouthere]

Deduction dear Watson.

 

She is 24

You said you were older than me and I am 49

Between 25 to 30 years is all the same thing

 

I am your age, not older.

[autumnnight]

This is very well said.

 

I wonder why the rest of you can't follow this.

 

A new person who has all the answers and is condescending to everyone else....

 

 

This does not exactly give off a whole lot of emotional intelligence.

[autumnnight]

I am happy. I am happy because I am grateful for the blessings in my life, I do the best with what I have, I have been blessed to have some wonderful people in my life, and I have joy that comes from something other than my circumstances.

 

Am I in love right this minute? No. Do I hope to be again someday? Yes. Am I going to go just grab anyone who wears pants because being alone and having standards and waiting for the right person/timing is "weird"? Nope.

 

Someone who stays with a person to whom they are not married, whom they have known for less than 6 months, who treats them terribly and can't be trusted is not strong or superior....they are unhealthy and codependent.

[MovingOnIsHard]

I am happy. I am happy because I am grateful for the blessings in my life, I do the best with what I have, I have been blessed to have some wonderful people in my life, and I have joy that comes from something other than my circumstances.

 

Am I in love right this minute? No. Do I hope to be again someday? Yes. Am I going to go just grab anyone who wears pants because being alone and having standards and waiting for the right person/timing is "weird"? Nope.

 

Someone who stays with a person to whom they are not married, whom they have known for less than 6 months, who treats them terribly and can't be trusted is not strong or superior....they are unhealthy and codependent.

 

I feel the same way as you! I remained single and refrained from jumping into another relationship after i ended things with my ex. During that time, i did new hobbies, made new friends, etc... I was happy being single

[Guyouthere]

I am happy. I am happy because I am grateful for the blessings in my life, I do the best with what I have, I have been blessed to have some wonderful people in my life, and I have joy that comes from something other than my circumstances.

 

Am I in love right this minute? No. Do I hope to be again someday? Yes. Am I going to go just grab anyone who wears pants because being alone and having standards and waiting for the right person/timing is "weird"? Nope.

 

Someone who stays with a person to whom they are not married, whom they have known for less than 6 months, who treats them terribly and can't be trusted is not strong or superior....they are unhealthy and codependent.

 

Oh yea, treat someone terribly. Not accurate. Fight we had, to my eyes, was justified based on what I saw.

 

I did a lot for her, and still trying to figure out how someone can be as she has. I don't want to encounter that with her or anyone else in the future.

 

There will always be part of me that hopes she can heal and come to her senses. I don't know if that will happen or not, only time will tell.

[Guyouthere]

Gaeta….

 

Am I remembering correctly? You said you had over 150 different guys to date.

 

Can I ask why so many?

 

I would think there be at least one in that number you could have been compatible with.

 

Not attacking you, here, just curious as to what kind of guy you are looking for.

 

I see a lot of posts and believe many women out there want a loving and stable guy.

 

Despite what some might think based on what I have gone through and posted here, I am still me, and I know if I had a lot of dates, there would be women snatching me up.

 

Why?

 

I am a good guy, not perfect but still basically good and won't hurt anyone.

I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs.

I take care of family (as I do my mom who depends on me).

I have a stable job.

I own my own home with no debt on it.

Have a car, boat, toys.

Have already shown I am there for others, they can depend on me and they know it.

Genuinely care for others well being.

Not bad looking, I am taller than average and not fat.

Like many hobbies, including fishing, diving, cycling, and a whole lot more.

I have no criminal history.

Smart, I can and do many things, many self taught.

I am both soft and firm with people in general.

 

So it is only a matter of time before someone wise will "get me" who appreciates me.

 

I do not worry.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta….

 

Am I remembering correctly? You said you had over 150 different guys to date.

 

Can I ask why so many?

 

I would think there be at least one in that number you could have been compatible with.

 

I went on about 150 coffee-meetings yes.

 

I started this 3 some years ago after a long 8 years alone. You need to know I married my first boyfriend so I never 'dated'. When I started this online I had NO clue what I was doing.

 

I went on a coffee-date with anyone telling me I was pretty (phase 1 - no success). Then I realized It's easy for me to attract men so I started picking super hot men mostly body builders (phase 2 - no success), then I noticed I had a lot of attention from younger men so I went on tons of dates with men 10-15 years younger (phase 3 - no success) then decided to give a try to un-sexy older men but they don't want me - (phase 4 - no success).

 

I have been unsuccessful because I have been giving my attention to the wrong men, I have no problem admitting to it. I have worked hard at understanding what I do wrong and I am getting better at it, well at least I spend less time with men that are wrong for me.

 

 

Not attacking you, here, just curious as to what kind of guy you are looking for.

 

I see a lot of posts and believe many women out there want a loving and stable guy.

 

Despite what some might think based on what I have gone through and posted here, I am still me, and I know if I had a lot of dates, there would be women snatching me up.

 

Why?

 

I am a good guy, not perfect but still basically good and won't hurt anyone.

I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs.

I take care of family (as I do my mom who depends on me).

I have a stable job.

I own my own home with no debt on it.

Have a car, boat, toys.

Have already shown I am there for others, they can depend on me and they know it.

Genuinely care for others well being.

Not bad looking, I am taller than average and not fat.

Like many hobbies, including fishing, diving, cycling, and a whole lot more.

I have no criminal history.

Smart, I can and do many things, many self taught.

I am both soft and firm with people in general.

 

So it is only a matter of time before someone wise will "get me" who appreciates me.

 

I do not worry.

 

I am a good stable woman and I have everything you have listed here. No one snatched me up because I was too busy giving my time to the wrong men. I will get there eventually. I will meet the good stable man I am looking for but to accomplish that I need to be free.

[Jules Dash]

Are you familiar with OP's story?

 

She is 30 years younger. He met her once. He gave her money. She hide other men from him. She told him flat out she doesn't love him. He wants to hang on to her, you would advice him to put all his efforts into this?

 

No, I am not familiar with the OP's story. My statements are general statements not addressing anyone's particular story. In general, I think the frequency of advice to dump somone is really over the top here and needs to be balanced. There is a lot of bias. There is a lot of "my last boyfriend or girlfriend was behaving like that and she turned out to be an alien from another planet so yours will turn out to be this too. Get out while you can. Dump him."

[autumnnight]

No, I am not familiar with the OP's story. My statements are general statements not addressing anyone's particular story. In general, I think the frequency of advice to dump somone is really over the top here and needs to be balanced. There is a lot of bias. There is a lot of "my last boyfriend or girlfriend was behaving like that and she turned out to be an alien from another planet so yours will turn out to be this too. Get out while you can. Dump him."

 

I will tell you why I often give that advice.

 

I have read around a lot of forums and read a lot of people's stories, and I have noticed that when most people who are betrayed or mistreated stay, one of 2 things happen:

 

1. The person who hurt or betrayed them continues to do so because they do not/did not change. This is totally unfair and unhealthy to the person who was betrayed/hurt. Why sign up for a lifetime of that?

 

2. The person who hurt or betrayed them is genuinely sorry and remorseful, makes a genuine turnaround, and goes to great lengths to genuinely try to make amends. However, even after years, the person who was hurt or betrayed basically gets used to or enjoys the control having the moral upper hand gives them, so they make sure the hurt is never far from the foreground. THAT is unhealthy and unfair to the person who has changed.

 

 

If and when I see a situation where I think the above can be avoided, then I am all for working it out. But continuing to be hurt or living in some punishment/penance cycle are both pretty pathetic options. I will almost never recommend a BH stay because I don't know many BH's who can authentically reconcile.I will pretty much ALWAYS tell a WS to come clean to their spouse. In any situation where there is punishment or abuse, I will lean toward cutting ties if it is evident the cycle will not be broken (notice I din't say cannot be broken)

 

And yeah, if you've been dating 2 or 3 months and there are serious problems...in the real world that is barely even dating, so there's nothing to "work out" or "persevere" for. Pick someone better.

[Jules Dash]

My problem is when the advice is given for rather trivial events or behavior. Of course if you girlfriend is cheating on you then you should probably move on. the problem is that the lines between trivial and serious offenses gets blurred when someone is on a roll and telling a lot of people to dump their partners.

[MovingOnIsHard]

I went on about 150 coffee-meetings yes.

 

I started this 3 some years ago after a long 8 years alone. You need to know I married my first boyfriend so I never 'dated'. When I started this online I had NO clue what I was doing.

 

I went on a coffee-date with anyone telling me I was pretty (phase 1 - no success). Then I realized It's easy for me to attract men so I started picking super hot men mostly body builders (phase 2 - no success), then I noticed I had a lot of attention from younger men so I went on tons of dates with men 10-15 years younger (phase 3 - no success) then decided to give a try to un-sexy older men but they don't want me - (phase 4 - no success).

 

I have been unsuccessful because I have been giving my attention to the wrong men, I have no problem admitting to it. I have worked hard at understanding what I do wrong and I am getting better at it, well at least I spend less time with men that are wrong for me.

 

 

 

 

I am a good stable woman and I have everything you have listed here. No one snatched me up because I was too busy giving my time to the wrong men. I will get there eventually. I will meet the good stable man I am looking for but to accomplish that I need to be free.

 

Ive been on a lot of first dates too. Ive lost count!

 

Its important to know your worth and you have to assess every potential mate for what they can offer you. A partner should supplement your life, not fill it. If it takes 100 first dates to find that special someone, then so be it!!

[Guyouthere]

No, I am not familiar with the OP's story. My statements are general statements not addressing anyone's particular story. In general, I think the frequency of advice to dump somone is really over the top here and needs to be balanced. There is a lot of bias. There is a lot of "my last boyfriend or girlfriend was behaving like that and she turned out to be an alien from another planet so yours will turn out to be this too. Get out while you can. Dump him."

 

Amen and AMEN

[Guyouthere]

I went on about 150 coffee-meetings yes.

 

I started this 3 some years ago after a long 8 years alone. You need to know I married my first boyfriend so I never 'dated'. When I started this online I had NO clue what I was doing.

 

I went on a coffee-date with anyone telling me I was pretty (phase 1 - no success). Then I realized It's easy for me to attract men so I started picking super hot men mostly body builders (phase 2 - no success), then I noticed I had a lot of attention from younger men so I went on tons of dates with men 10-15 years younger (phase 3 - no success) then decided to give a try to un-sexy older men but they don't want me - (phase 4 - no success).

 

I have been unsuccessful because I have been giving my attention to the wrong men, I have no problem admitting to it. I have worked hard at understanding what I do wrong and I am getting better at it, well at least I spend less time with men that are wrong for me.

 

 

 

 

I am a good stable woman and I have everything you have listed here. No one snatched me up because I was too busy giving my time to the wrong men. I will get there eventually. I will meet the good stable man I am looking for but to accomplish that I need to be free.

 

The next phase is Mars will be inhabitable and I will get a job selling oceanfront realty there, we can date, get married, have lots of kids and open up a cafe overlooking Valles Marinares and offering early bird specials of sautéed tribbles.