notforair Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 First time here. I was dumped by my GF of almost a year about a month ago. While there were a few bumps of what she told me was commitment fear along the road she finally ended it by stating that "something was missing" and "there wasn't the spark that she always wanted". It was an LDR and this is directly after me arranging to work remotely to live with her for close to 2 months and right after I spent a vacation with her and her parents. I was blindsided and crushed. I felt used and strung along. Since I have only responded to 2 text messages. We have been NC for 2 weeks now. Tonight I wrote her a letter that I really want to send. While there are many things she did not handle well at all this letter forgives her and frees her from guilt because I don't want to hold the keys to that. I thank her for all the good times and apologize for what I feel were things I could have made better. I feel like sending this will give me some closure and forward progress towards acceptance but is it a good idea? Has anyone done something similar?
Stercrazy Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 The letter is for you not her. My suggestion would be to send it to yourself first. This way you read it as the recipient. Then make changes if you feel you need to. Every time you send it to yourself wait one week before sending the rewritten one to yourself.
aloneinaz Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 There's absolutely NO VALUE in sending that letter to her! If you do, you'll look very desperate, clingy and pathetic. She'll really be turned off by it as well. It is really the total opposite of what you need to do which is move on. It didn't work out and most relationships don't have great endings. You don't need "closure" either. It's a myth like Bigfoot. Stick around this site and read a bunch of threads. When someone gets dumped, the best thing they can do is VANISH from the dumpers life. Block them on social media. Out of sight, out of mind and time passing is the only thing that will help you move on. 2
lolablue17 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 There is no truth in that letter. You don't really remember only the good things, you don't really feel grateful, and you don't really forgive her. You don't hold any power over her, she doesn't need your forgiveness and she doesn't need your permission to be free. So with no truth, the only reason to send a letter is for promoting yourself. If it's for promotion, don't dare to send it because it makes you look very bad, weak and wimp. This is a bad advertising for you. You know when should you send her that kind of a letter? When you don't really care about her. But in that case you won't send it cause you don't care, right?
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Do NOT send it. It will do nothing but remove your dignity, self-respect, power and control. It will not change how she feels, but rather highlight you as a weak and unattractive person. 2
Gus Grimly Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I sent the letter and it did absolutely nothing. The response I received to my "I'm so sorry, I love you, I miss you very much" letter was pretty much "So? What do you want me to do about it?". I'm still kicking myself because all that did was give her even more power over me. I let her beat me and she didn't even have to lift a finger. Don't be me. Be someone who has pride in himself. Fight the urge to contact her at all cost. If you open that door, you'll be greeted with nothing but sorrow. 7
Xiomn Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I sent my ex a letter, she called me pathetic, told me to please leave her alone and called for a restraining order, don't do it mate. 3
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 SHE dumped you, SHE doesn't need forgiven or handed back the "keys of guilt", as SHE did the right thing FOR her. SHE didn't feel any spark and then got herself out of the situation, simple. Sending a condescending letter telling her about the good times (she may not see them that way) and apologising for your actions makes no difference to HER. SHE will have long since moved on, dumpers tend to have thought long and hard before the dumping event, many are almost completely over it before they get around to telling their partner. An annoying letter from you will not be well received, as it smacks of manipulation and desperation, neither of which are attractive. YOU are hurt, writing such letters can be cathartic, write lots of them, scrunch them up, tear them up, bin them, burn them or store them forever, but NEVER EVER send them. 3
Author notforair Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Thank you all so much for the response and words of wisdom. You are all right. This is about my own self promotion and my own need to be heard. Sending it would be pathetic, weak, disrespectful to myself, and would change nothing. I am not sending it and after lying awake all night I came to that conclusion. I keep coming back to that conclusion. It was her decision and just because she doesn't love me for who I am doesn't mean someone else won't. I doesn't mean that I can't love, heal, and grow myself for myself. That is what I need. 3
casey.lives Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 when someone gives you a clear reason for breaking up, that is closure..
Otter2569 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Wow -so glad I read this thread! I was thinking about doing the letter but NOT now. NO WAY. My exGF can never see how she creates stress and drama in real life. Cant see how this would change anything...good riddance!
Author notforair Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 when someone gives you a clear reason for breaking up, that is closure.. It wasn't clear. I tried to communicate and ask all along the way what she needed or what I could change but got anything but a clear response. It went from "I am unsure" to "there isn't the spark I've always wanted" and communication was always avoided. That was always followed by "You are so special" "I love you and am so grateful for you" "You are my man" "I am committed and in love with you". Clearly there was another story being presented.
Author notforair Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 Hey all, I have been here for strength ever since my BU 2 months ago. Most of that I have been NC. My mind keeps on getting more and more focused on breaking the NC. I just want to reach out and see if there is anything there. I wrote an email and wanted to get support and reaction. Here you go. "I know it has been some time and I hope you understand that I have needed that to pull together my emotions, thoughts, focus, and respect space. I understand that breaking up was very hard for you and you made that decision to pursue what will make you happy. I accept the reality of it and the pain that it has created for both of us. I imagined my life with you and I opened myself up to you fully and I have struggled so much losing that connection and openness. You are incredibly important to me and I care deeply for you. I feel as though things between us have been left in an unsure and unresolved place. Protective walls were put up immediately by both of us but, this silence is traumatic and hurtful. Our circumstance of distance and how I experienced a sudden split also feel negative. It weighs heavy on my heart and I feel like we are entering into a space that could use communication, direction, and understanding. I would like to try and open up those lines of communication so that we can move forward and maintain a positive connection. Would you be open to that?"
rayge118 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Do you feel in your gut that he/she is going to reply in one way or the other? I know in the past I have maintained contact even though I was pretty sure I was going to be hurt and then of course ended up being hurt and feeling stupid. Think of yourself as number one, if you think in anyway that this is going to hurt you then I wouldn't do it.
Author notforair Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 Thanks rayge118. I think that the potential for more pain is there but the risk of not reaching out is painful too. I am caught in this endless cycle of pain and fear.
Blanco Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Hey all, I have been here for strength ever since my BU 2 months ago. Most of that I have been NC. My mind keeps on getting more and more focused on breaking the NC. I just want to reach out and see if there is anything there. She has not reached out to you. If something was there, she would have reached out to you. People advised you a month ago not to send the letter you wrote to her. I would imagine that its contents are similar to this unsent email. Both the letter and email need to remain unsent. This girl knows where to find you. If she truly desires another attempt at the relationship, she will reach out. This isn't about appearing manly or like the relationship didn't mean anything to you. I'm sure that you conveyed what it meant to you when she ended the relationship. Unfortunately, I think this is one of those situations where you need to stick with the tougher road and remain in NC. 1
louxor Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 This is taken from Tara's post that you can find pinned at the top of this sub-forum: Q. What happens if I break NC? A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start all over. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. If you're nursing a shattered heart, you can't handle what they have to say. Why rip out the stitches, and tear the wound open again? if you pass razor wire up one nostril and down the other, while poking your eyes out with needles - it will hurt only marginally less than talking to them, and getting nothing from them but pain. A question we get asked a lot, is 'what about Birthdays?' Yeah, right. What about them? Just another day, just another situation to completely and utterly ignore. Do not ever send any form of Birthday wish (just another excuse to cling to them),and do not respond to anything they send you (Just more breadcrumbs rubbish). Q. What is the best way to get closure from my ex? A. You will never, ever get closure, from your ex. Writing letters, or arranging to meet 'one last time' to get closure, is a pointless exercise. For several reasons. One: Very often, the dumper themselves, cannot really come up with a straight answer. They themselves may be confused about the situation, so you may get one answer one day, and a different one the next.... Two: They will lie. Either to protect themselves, or to protect your feelings. Which of course, is pointless, because they're shattered anyway. Three: Any answers or responses you do get - will simply serve to prompt more questions on your part. Because deep down, all you want out of closure - is for them to do an about turn and admit they were wrong. You want them to change their minds. Seeking closure just reeks of 'desperate'. And it will merely serve to break your heart again. Closure, is like Vomit: It comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system. ------- The pain inside you that is wanting to reach out to your ex is a hell of a lot easier to cope with than the pain that will come from contacting them and not hearing what you were wanting to.
Blanco Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Now, let's deconstruct this email... I know it has been some time and I hope you understand that I have needed that to pull together my emotions, thoughts, focus, and respect space. I understand that breaking up was very hard for you and you made that decision to pursue what will make you happy. If you know she made this decision to pursue what will make her happy, then why are you laying the groundwork for her going back on this decision? I think that's a common mistake we dumpees make. We let them know that we respect their decision; that we want them to be happy, etc. But it's not really true, at least not in the moment. Because if it were, we would release them and not work them over to go back on what they think will make them happier. I accept the reality of it and the pain that it has created for both of us. I imagined my life with you and I opened myself up to you fully and I have struggled so much losing that connection and openness. You are incredibly important to me and I care deeply for you. But you don't accept the reality of it, otherwise you wouldn't be contact her about this. And trust me, I'm sure she knows you care about her and that she's important to you. Sadly, a lot of people break up with others despite being well aware aware of these feelings. I feel as though things between us have been left in an unsure and unresolved place. Have they? Perhaps for you, but she broke up with you, right? And she hasn't contacted you about the relationship, right? Sounds like things are sure and resolved for her. Protective walls were put up immediately by both of us but, this silence is traumatic and hurtful. Our circumstance of distance and how I experienced a sudden split also feel negative. It weighs heavy on my heart and I feel like we are entering into a space that could use communication, direction, and understanding. The silence hurts, but it will pale by comparison if you two open the lines of communication and she doesn't want you back. What use is communication at this point? For all you know, she has moved on, started dating, or at least gotten herself to a good place where she is no longer torn up about ending the relationship. What communication would do at this point is further stall your healing AND possibly risk pulling her back in her own healing. What are you not understanding about the end of the relationship? We often mistakenly think that our exes can provide or owe us answers that will shed light on why the relationship ended. Sometimes, it's definitely needed. But often, there's no explanation that's going to actually make us accept their decision right then. I would like to try and open up those lines of communication so that we can move forward and maintain a positive connection. Would you be open to that? Sorry, there is no "we" when it comes to you and her. You are not ready for friendship with this girl. You don't want that. And I maintain that if she hasn't reached out to you, then friendship is the best case offer you'd get from her. 3
Author notforair Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 Yes Blanco this should be treated as the same as the letter I wrote. Same painful heavy day with crying and crying like when I wrote it. Thank you for the encouragement. Thanks for the reminder louxor. That pain is what I fear the most.
purpledooze Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Don't reach out yet. If you want, you can try the Relationship Rewind methods. Out of sheer utter desperation I got the modules. Lol. Basic principle is: you can't just randomly send messages to your ex without knowing their frame of mind. The ebook has steps on how to determine which stage of the relationship you're in, and then you can tailor your message so that it doesn't end up pushing him/her away. Most of us tend to reach out to our ex's while thinking/feeling like we do during the honeymoon stages of our relationships, which is most likely NOT the state of mind our ex's are in. I can share it with you if you like, but use it at your own risk. If you reach out while he/she is still feeling animosity/pain/any negative emotion towards you, even the very memories that used to give her butterflies will annoy her now.
Author notforair Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 Also thank you for the deconstruction. It helped tremendously.
louxor Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Yes Blanco this should be treated as the same as the letter I wrote. Same painful heavy day with crying and crying like when I wrote it. Thank you for the encouragement. Thanks for the reminder louxor. That pain is what I fear the most. Everyone goes through pain after a break up, it's how you deal with this pain and what you do to limit it that determines the success of your recovery. This is not about hiding the pain and pretending its not there, its about doing the best thing in order to slowly but surely reduce the prevalence of it. 1
singme2sleep Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 You can listen to everyone's advice, but at the end of the day it's your life so do what you feel in your heart is best.
Blanco Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 You can listen to everyone's advice, but at the end of the day it's your life so do what you feel in your heart is best. This is bad advice, because in this condition, the OP can't really be trusting his heart. People aren't telling him to not send a letter or email because they don't want to see someone happy. It's because situations like this, while unique to the person, are mostly the same, which means certain actions will almost always yield certain results. 3
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