Mr1oyalty Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 I need to know what would completely turn you off on a MM you were attracted to. What could he reasonably do or say within legal confines that would certainly dry things up so to speak. Also if you worked with him, think what could he say that would shut down the attraction and not create a bad work situation? Lets say you are already really attracted to him and you are convinced he is attracted to you ,what would do it? I always talked about my love or admiration for my wife which is pretty stupid I now see.
Sweetgirlie Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 (edited) I need to know what would completely turn you off on a MM you were attracted to. What could he reasonably do or say within legal confines that would certainly dry things up so to speak. Also if you worked with him, think what could he say that would shut down the attraction and not create a bad work situation? Lets say you are already really attracted to him and you are convinced he is attracted to you ,what would do it? I always talked about my love or admiration for my wife which is pretty stupid I now see. Are you really asking that question here? How about calling her names and saying rude things to her. Calling her a psycho. Telling her there was nothing there. Making up stuff and twisting it around. That's what mine did to me. Is this someone who you had an affair with? Be rude. Answer with short answers. Don't engage. Be too busy. Tell her to grow up. Edited September 29, 2015 by Sweetgirlie
Red123 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 I need to know what would completely turn you off on a MM you were attracted to. What could he reasonably do or say within legal confines that would certainly dry things up so to speak. Also if you worked with him, think what could he say that would shut down the attraction and not create a bad work situation? Lets say you are already really attracted to him and you are convinced he is attracted to you ,what would do it? I always talked about my love or admiration for my wife which is pretty stupid I now see. If you are trying to go NC then you have to be blunt and honest, say it's over, and actually stick to it by not having any contact. 2
loveboid Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) I recently read advice from a domestic violence expert. She said wives have a better time leaving their husbands if they make clear that there is no hope of further relationship instead of saying nothing and having the husband delude himself and waste time thinking and acting as if they're reconciling. I read a book once on falling in love. Falling in love was likened to a chemical addiction. The researcher found that love grew stronger if there was a perceived slight chance of success and that it went away if there was zero chance. The situation must be seen as hopeless. So making clear to her in word and deed that there is zero chance would work. It worked for me once. Something simple to start out like "I would rather be with other people/my wife." Or in your case, "I would rather be with my wife." Edited September 30, 2015 by loveboid 1
privategal Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 If you are trying to go NC then you have to be blunt and honest, say it's over, and actually stick to it by not having any contact. Say "Im married and I crossed the line. I dont mean to be hurtful but out of respect for my wife and marriage I need to stop this for good and be the husband she deserves. Id like you to respect that our interaction should be work related and strictly professional" In other words, handle directly, honestly, and like a MAN. 6
Author Mr1oyalty Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 Are you really asking that question here? How about calling her names and saying rude things to her. Calling her a psycho. Telling her there was nothing there. Making up stuff and twisting it around. That's what mine did to me. Is this someone who you had an affair with? Be rude. Answer with short answers. Don't engage. Be too busy. Tell her to grow up. No this is more self reflection on how I could have stopped a situation and maybe useful in the future. I think the keeping it short is a good idea, yes and no. If you are trying to go NC then you have to be blunt and honest' date=' say it's over, and actually stick to it by not having any contact. [/quote'] No I am more reflecting on a previous work situation when the environment is friendly, morals are a little loose and the women can be aggressive. Basically it is better for the woman to not find you attractive then to hope they respect you saying you won't cheat on your wife. The researcher found that love grew stronger if there was a perceived slight chance of success and that it went away if there was zero chance. Ah that makes a lot of sense! Say "Im married and I crossed the line. I dont mean to be hurtful but out of respect for my wife and marriage I need to stop this for good and be the husband she deserves. Id like you to respect that our interaction should be work related and strictly professional" In other words, handle directly, honestly, and like a MAN. My OW is out of the picture but unfortunately this probably would not have worked with her. I won't be working where I did so it wont be a problem but looking back I just wondered if there was a diplomatic approach preferably blowing out the sparks on a potential AP before it goes anywhere in a way where its still a good situation if you have to work with them. Basically if a person is aggressive but you need them business wise as an ally not be an enemy, it would be safest if they just lost attraction or is there no way to do this.
Scarlet2 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 To avoid it from happening: keep all topics work related from day one, never talk about anything personal, no jokes, no discussions about common interests, that's how the bond/attraction starts. To lose attraction: saying you're not interested could work but you risk losing your ally or she might respect you enough for being honest; or you can let it run its course because people want what they can't have but they'll keep trying even if there's a slight sliver of hope, so if you just give it to them there's no more mystery and then they'll finally know if it's what they really wanted or not, more than likely get bored and move on because it wasn't what they expected. Just like they say the success rate of relationships from affairs are low because real life obligations burst the fantasy bubble they were in and doesn't survive. Acting like a jerk to her won't kill attraction because it's not genuine and the subconscious can pick up on it and is ignored especially if you weren't a jerk from the beginning and she'll make up reasons to justify it or take the blame. But acting like a jerk to other people you know or to strangers in front of her, might kill her attraction, that old adage someone who's nice to you but isn't nice to the waiter is not a nice person... If the attraction is based on appearance, change how you look, lose/gain weight, shave/grow facial hair, dress different, etc 2
Adoraxx Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I need to know what would completely turn you off on a MM you were attracted to. What could he reasonably do or say within legal confines that would certainly dry things up so to speak. Also if you worked with him, think what could he say that would shut down the attraction and not create a bad work situation? Lets say you are already really attracted to him and you are convinced he is attracted to you ,what would do it? I always talked about my love or admiration for my wife which is pretty stupid I now see. Well, you do sound a little like my xMM because he has told me too that he is crazy about his wife. But in the same breath he lied that he is crazy about me as well. If you want a woman to get turned off on you completely, a 'good' first step is to tell her something like "I don't want you in my life anymore" or "I have no need for you anymore" and "I don't want this anymore ever again" and then - second - STICK TO IT. Do what you say and mean what you say, and don't start giving off mixed messages by telling the OW later on that you miss her/ think about her/ etc etc. It's really mean to string someone along and to give someone HOPE by telling her these things. So, NEVER give her any hope after you've told her goodbye. 1
Author Mr1oyalty Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 Thanks for the advise all, its much appreciated.
usernametaken Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I would focus less on making sure a potential OW wasn't attracted to you and more on your own self control. OP, your post has a "helpless man seduced by aggressive, predatory women" vibe that rubs me the wrong way. 3
eye of the storm Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Pick your nose in front of her, look at it, eat it. Trust me, she will never come near you again. Ever. Not for anything. 4
autumnnight Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I would focus less on making sure a potential OW wasn't attracted to you and more on your own self control. OP, your post has a "helpless man seduced by aggressive, predatory women" vibe that rubs me the wrong way. Exactly. Be proactive and keep YOUR boundaries strong. 2
deadelvis Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I work with an extremely attractive woman. We are both in relationships. It's easy. You just have boundaries. If you don't have those boundaries then of course there will be trouble.
Gloria25 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Why are you considering a workplace romance - especially with a MM? That's double/tripple trouble.
Got it Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Gloria, reread. You have it wrong. OP - really? You are really asking this? Keep your topics work related, and don't engage in small talk. There is the best advice. Don't be tempted. 3
Author Mr1oyalty Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 I would focus less on making sure a potential OW wasn't attracted to you and more on your own self control. OP' date=' your post has a "helpless man seduced by aggressive, predatory women" vibe that rubs me the wrong way.[/quote'] That was my initial way of thinking, however it failed and I learned there are hard limits to my self control at times that very likely won't change. I am not saying I am helpless, if anything its trying to overcome my own predatory nature. I just know my limits now. Pick your nose in front of her, look at it, eat it. Trust me, she will never come near you again. Ever. Not for anything. lol, I like your style. While over the top, in hindsight even that would have worked out much better as far as loss/profit goes. I would have been that crazy guy, but a faithful one none the less. Exactly. Be proactive and keep YOUR boundaries strong. Yeah I see, I will just keep things extremely business and super short for non business related conversation as many have said. Perhaps I was enjoying my work way too much, having too much fun at the expense of my boundaries. I should have waited for my wife for much of the fun I suppose. I am gonna be that guy because I am in a position to be standoffish and get away with it. I suppose that should do it as getting comfortable apparently leads to me getting too friendly. If ever I still somehow end up connecting with a woman in some way I shouldn't I will take your advise Eye of the Storm and my wife will be grateful .
USEDOW Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 You may like flirting. My ex mm liked flirting that's what happenedy then he said he had to take it further with me. He said he could always stop before even though he's naturally a flirt. So mentioning wife will keep your trouser snake in check.
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