Emotional Abuse

[TheMixtape]

I think I might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, or in a relationship with a BPDer. How can I tell?

[No_Go]

Describe what makes you think that.

 

I think I might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, or in a relationship with a BPDer. How can I tell?

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Who cares?

 

Seriously. What happens if there is an official designation? Do you get some sort of government funding? Do you get to put a special badge on your Facebook page? You get to drive 5 mph over the speed limit? What's your end goal?

 

I mean, obviously something is wrong in your relationship, or you wouldn't be asking the question. So, who cares if it rises to the level of "Officially Sanctioned Emotional Abuse" or not? It meets your criteria of not being a good relationship. Quit doubting yourself and looking for outside guidance. Your gut is all you need on this one.

[Redhead14]

I think I might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, or in a relationship with a BPDer. How can I tell?

 

It doesn't matter what label gets applied. If you are unhappy, feeling abused and/or afraid of your partner, you leave immediately.

[TheMixtape]

I got this from a blog:

 

 

 

Here are some common side effects of being in an abusive relationship, whether the abusive individual has a personality disorder or not:

 

1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.

 

2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.

 

3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.

 

4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.

 

5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person. The first time it happens, you write it off. Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you.

 

6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.

 

7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people.

 

8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually baseless, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.

 

9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability. You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal.

 

10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.

 

11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.

 

12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.

 

13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.

 

When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors. She may even resort to threats. She threatens that you’ll never see the kids again. Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family.

 

All of these, and more.

[katiegrl]

I think I might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, or in a relationship with a BPDer. How can I tell?

 

Instead of asking us how can you tell, given what you just posted, a better question would be to ask YOURSELF -- what the hell am I still doing in this relationship?

[joseb]

Downtown has some great posts on BPD - example:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/419416-ran-into-my-ex-bar-8-months-later-interesting-story#post5164075

 

How long have you been in this relationship?

 

Do you live together?

[scooby-philly]

Here's the list directly from that link.

 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction;

2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"

3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;

4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude (e.g., not appreciating all the 3-hour trips you made to see her for two years) and a double standard ;

5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;

6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;

7. Low self esteem;

8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours;

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;

10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;

11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);

12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;

13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"

14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;

15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;

16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);

17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and

18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.

[scooby-philly]

Here's the list directly from that link.

 

I will give you a few examples from my crazy ex who I'm 3-4 months away from as that's the only advice/perspective I can give without more information.

 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction; My crazy ex is an attention whore. As soon as you stopped giving her attention, bam - the fireworks, the disinterest, the game began.

 

2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"

 

3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members; We were together for a year. Two stories. December/January - so about 4-5 months in, she and I fight bad. I stopped responding to her. I asked for a few days. We weren't living together and early on if I didn't try to be a part of her life, she wouldn't have done anything with me. Suffice to say she came to my place and went nuts. I called the cops and didn't even let her in. Then, after I had ended it but stupidly tried to remain friends, I told her she could still play softball with the work team I just joined as we needed girls. She shows up after we had both been gone for 3 games/weeks and flips on a poor girl on the team who asked for a ride to the game form our office - yes she's hot, but she even said when we drove her home after the first game - that she and I worked on the same damn floor for over a year and didn't even know each other's names.

 

4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude (e.g., not appreciating all the 3-hour trips you made to see her for two years) and a double standard ;This is one of the classic signs of a spoiled brat, snobby bitch, entitled ass, etc. She expects you to bend over backwards, but when you point out the lack of parity, she'll try to disengage the topic, or fight over something else, or magnify what few things she's done to make you forget you do 99% of the work. Seriously, my ex was 40k in debt from an associate's degree and owed 14k on her car on 27% APR. I saved her $200 a month on Car Insurance by adding her to mine, got her a platinum amex to help us do her side business, and went to 7-8 banks to try and get a loan to lessen her car payment. Her initial response to the lack of progress on the car payment - I didn't do enough!

 

5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells; Back in May, she and I were supposed to be spending every spare moment running her side business. It didn't work out, business wasn't going anywhere. She joined a sports team and then had an all-day event. I decided last minute to watch my older niece graduate HS. Her younger brother is severaly handicapped and won't lead a normal life. My other brother and family is half way across the country. I told her on a Tuesday I was going to leave her event a 4 that saturday and was only going because my folks wouldn't have gone if I didn't drive them (bro lives 1hr- 1 1/2 away). I would have been at the event from 7 am to 4pm. She flipped, said if I went we were done. I said fine. I went back to her place that night, cooked, and when she cam home she tore apart her kitchen in anger - threw pasta & water, sauce, etc. Took me 3 hours to clean up.

 

6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;

 

7. Low self esteem;

 

8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours;Saw her flip out on her U.S. ex who has her two youngest kids and while he's no role model, she flipped on him so loud the neighbors could hear I'm sure because he wanted to switch days.

 

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;Yes. Too many people only want stop gaps to fill in the time between their activities and if you can't be there - look out.

 

10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;

 

11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending); Getting pregnant, or always offering up excuses as to her plight.

 

12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well; I've seen the opposite to - claiming no matter how nice you are, that all er exes and her are friends, love her, and want the best for her

 

13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"

 

14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;

 

15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;

 

16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away); this is a tough one. They could have a few close friends, but no one really close - i.e. no one gets in too deep or knows the whole picture. My ex has a friend who she moved next door to. Suffice to say I'm sure she never said a nice thing about me and her friend is also an immigrant to. And they had a falling out but since she was willing to forgive and then talk smack about the others with this friend, then yes, of course they're friends. I'd say in this category, the trick is to see patterns. If they claim all these "friends" or boast about popularity to you as a badge of honor - run.

 

17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and Classic sociopath trait. Another one that's hard to spot until you start to see the patterns.

 

18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence. Yes. Another good one. If she never admits she's wrong. Or if she always seems to have an excuse or always seems to be on the go with no center or no simple joys....run

 

Again, that's just my perspective. You can supply more info so we can supply a better response.