katiegrl Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 meh it has happened to me quite a lot actually. But I figure it is still better to be honest, despite the outcome. Ghosting is from men that can't quite understand and comprehend, and perhaps they have THEIR reasons (like you say) for not appreciating it but none the less, if you are honest and they bolt whose got the real issue? I often ask myself why should I filter information? Absolutely it's always best to be honest! But look at the bright side, your honesty resulted in your finding out what an utter douchebag he is....sooner rather than later...so be THANKFUL for that, and be on your merry way. And again, never be ashamed of being single for however long you were (or are) single. Some people NEVER meet the right person and remain single forever, and there is nothing wrong with that either!! IMO, better that than being married and divorced five times and getting involved with every Tom, Dick and Harry you cross paths with!
Gaeta Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 meh it has happened to me quite a lot actually. But I figure it is still better to be honest, despite the outcome. Ghosting is from men that can't quite understand and comprehend, and perhaps they have THEIR reasons (like you say) for not appreciating it but none the less, if you are honest and they bolt whose got the real issue? I often ask myself why should I filter information? I want to share something with you. Since I started following your threads I know it's a big weight on your shoulders that you've been single for 10+ years. I don't think it's a problem for anyone, I think it's a problem for YOU and YOU make it a problem for others in the way you deliver this information. If you treat this information like it's a big heavy secret than it will be. Here is my example. I have a secret and it's a much bigger than yours and it can be contagious. One day I find myself on a date telling my secret to a gentleman. His face changed not because of my news but because the woman he met right before me had told him the same secret. He then told me she was a lovely woman but he refused to pursue with her. because of her secret. A while after, him and I had a second date and he told me he wanted to pursue with me. I said BUT I have the same secret as the other lady and you didn't pursue with her, why it's ok with me? ***His answer was it was all about how I view myself and how I delivered my secret to him. He said I did it very lightly and I even joked about it. While I was telling him my secret I remained attractive to him. He even said he could feel I didn't care about his opinion of me. I believe that much in myself. The other lady was nervous and delivered her secret as if it was something heavy and shameful and it was unattractive. *** I beg you to stop viewing your years of single-hood as something shameful. I don't know why you do this to yourself. It's ridiculous! It means absolutely nothing. 3
katiegrl Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 I want to share something with you. Since I started following your threads I know it's a big weight on your shoulders that you've been single for 10+ years. I don't think it's a problem for anyone, I think it's a problem for YOU and YOU make it a problem for others in the way you deliver this information. If you treat this information like it's a big heavy secret than it will be. Here is my example. I have a secret and it's a much bigger than yours and it can be contagious. One day I find myself on a date telling my secret to a gentleman. His face changed not because of my news but because the woman he met right before me had told him the same secret. He then told me she was a lovely woman but he refused to pursue with her. because of her secret. A while after, him and I had a second date and he told me he wanted to pursue with me. I said BUT I have the same secret as the other lady and you didn't pursue with her, why it's ok with me? ***His answer was it was all about how I view myself and how I delivered my secret to him. He said I did it very lightly and I even joked about it. While I was telling him my secret I remained attractive to him. He even said he could feel I didn't care about his opinion of me. I believe that much in myself. The other lady was nervous and delivered her secret as if it was something heavy and shameful and it was unattractive. *** I beg you to stop viewing your years of single-hood as something shameful. I don't know why you do this to yourself. It's ridiculous! It means absolutely nothing. Very true Gaeta -- great post! It's all about the vibe you project -- and if your vibe screams you are ashamed or embarrassed, whomever you are disclosing this info to is gonna sense that.....and maybe THAT is what turned them off, NOT the info you just disclosed. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Very true Gaeta -- great post! It's all about the vibe you project -- and if your vibe screams you are ashamed or embarrassed, whomever you are disclosing this info to is gonna sense that.....and maybe THAT is what turned them off, NOT the info you just disclosed. I dunno, this kind of sounds ridiculous. I would personally find it cute if someone is nervous or embarrassed about telling me something personal. I would find it totally off putting is someone was flippant or cocky. I don't get the idea that we need to tell people what to think and how to think, as if the facts themselves are not enough and they are incapable of their independent perception. Probably why I am still single 1
katiegrl Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) I dunno, this kind of sounds ridiculous. I would personally find it cute if someone is nervous or embarrassed about telling me something personal. I would find it totally off putting is someone was flippant or cocky. I don't get the idea that we need to tell people what to think and how to think, as if the facts themselves are not enough and they are incapable of their independent perception. Probably why I am still single The bolded just proves my point though. If someone is nervous or embarrassed, that is the vibe they're sending, which YOU happen to find endearing and cute. Someone else might not. On the other hand, if someone is flippant and cocky, that is their vibe, which turns you off, but someone else might be attracted to it. Everyone has their own vibe ... and some will be drawn to it, and others will not. JMO!! Edited September 30, 2015 by katiegrl
RoseVille Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Someone who likes it when someone else "tells it like it is" is someone who values someone who is outspoken, who speaks their mind and doesn't shy away from having a voice and an opinion, because the person who values such a person is such a person. Example: Donald Trump. This is not the same as someone valuing vulnerability, which is what you demonstrated. 2
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Someone who likes it when someone else "tells it like it is" is someone who values someone who is outspoken, who speaks their mind and doesn't shy away from having a voice and an opinion, because the person who values such a person is such a person. Example: Donald Trump. This is not the same as someone valuing vulnerability, which is what you demonstrated. Exactly: He did not mean to tell him her secrets or to tell him private details of her life.
Redhead14 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 He asked how long i have been single for and I told him. it's been a long time. Then I never heard from him again. I agree that this man handled the situation with disrespect and insensitivity. How long were you seeing him? If it was very early in the dating scenario, first few dates, you didn't need to go into detail. You can say something like "I haven't dated in a while and I am just getting back into it now and enjoying myself". Or, "Long enough to have my life together and prepared to have someone else to share it with". You don't have to lie, you just don't need to be all out there. At some point further down the road, if you've been seeing him for a while and he's gotten to know you, then you can get into specifics, history, the why's, etc. It's really none of his business at this point to know details about your life. It's not about being too honest, it's just none of his business. What is important at the moment is that you ARE dating and seeing him. Oftentimes, a man will meet a woman who hasn't dated in some time and he will hear that and feel as though they don't want to be her dating teacher. Or, there is something wrong with her or if she is recently out of a relationship and not really ready to date. He doesn't want to be the rebound guy. If they've had enough time with her to see what she has to offer for himself, it won't matter how long she's been single. There is no shame in being single for a long time and your reasons are your reasons. If you are a secure woman and have your act together and he's spending enough time with you to see that, the fact that you have been out of the market a while, won't matter to him
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 The bolded just proves my point though. If someone is nervous or embarrassed, that is the vibe they're sending, which YOU happen to find endearing and cute. Someone else might not. On the other hand, if someone is flippant and cocky, that is their vibe, which turns you off, but someone else might be attracted to it. Everyone has their own vibe ... and some will be drawn to it, and others will not. JMO!! You implied that "personal secret" has better chance of being received well if you tell it in a confident way. Yet then you say that some people may find it endearing if it's told in a more nervous and embarrassed way. Since you have no idea what vibe someone will be attracted to, why not just tell it the way that comes naturally to you? If someone is turned off by nervousness and vulnerability, you won't get very far by faking confidence.
Toodaloo Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 OP - the guy is a dick. Your right not to be upset about him and to just move on. Sounds like he is what those of us what have been searching for a while call a "flake". Flakes basically start chatting to you lead you on and waste your time then disappear because they simply can. It rarely has any reflection on you or anything you have said. They are just not proper relationship material. Also you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of just because you are single regardless of how long its been! Chin up chook...! 1
mrldii Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 While I agree that he didn't handle it well and that he may, in fact, be "a dick", just because someone wants/expects/demands total honesty, doesn't mean they're obligated to like the honest tidbit that's provided. Just because a guy is brutally honest with me and tells me he's wanted in 5 states for a string of homicides, doesn't mean I'm obligated to continue dating him because, after all, I expect complete honest and candor while intimately relating with others. It's more likely that his disappearance had less to do with your "total honesty" and more to do with the fact that he received a text from some other woman inviting him over to her place for their third [actual] date. Yanno, since it appears you two were simply at the texting phase of your 'relationship'. Best of luck to you, OP... 3
katiegrl Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 *** While I agree that he didn't handle it well and that he may, in fact, be "a dick", just because someone wants/expects/demands total honesty, doesn't mean they're obligated to like the honest tidbit that's provided. Just because a guy is brutally honest with me and tells me he's wanted in 5 states for a string of homicides, doesn't mean I'm obligated to continue dating him because, after all, I expect complete honest and candor while intimately relating with others.*** It's more likely that his disappearance had less to do with your "total honesty" and more to do with the fact that he received a text from some other woman inviting him over to her place for their third [actual] date. Yanno, since it appears you two were simply at the texting phase of your 'relationship'. Best of luck to you, OP... Yep. Same exact thing I said in my post no. 23. 1
ScienceGal Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Yes. There is such a thing as too much honesty. I dated someone who wouldn't even tell a white lie to spare someone's feelings. It was hurtful and horrifying. 1
Hopeful30 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Yes, I think there is. It's one thing to withhold important information from your partner, it's another to get into the details as to why you just couldn't orgasm last night. I've always been brutally honest, 100% of the time in all of my past relationships. I thought this was the best, because you could be your true self, people would always know where you stand (and know you're genuine about it) and problems could be solved sooner because everything was always out in the open. I realized that it takes a very particular kind of man to be able to handle this kind of honestly. Many men I have dated were offended at my honesty, or didn't like when I would mention an experience I had in a previous relationship. Some men can handle it, some can't. My goal is to find a man who can, because only then can I be 100% myself around them, and only then can we truly see if we can work together or not.
autumnnight Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Here's the thing: Many many people (and the number is growing) mistake tact and manners for dishonesty....or they think slapping the label "honest" on it means you do not have to have tact or manners. Just because something pops into my head does not mean I must say it out loud (or write it). And if I do, then I can muster the intelligence to say it in a way that is NOT crude, rude, tactless, etc. Basically, people have become socially lazy, and they think they can say whatever they want and defend it with the phrase "I was just being honest." The funny thing is that these people, while good at dishing it out, can rarely take it I once suggested to a tactless woman that she take some of the advice she so roughly handed out....and she cried, took her ball, and went home. If a person is going to defend their lack or manners by saying "I'm just blunt," then they cannot then be thinned skinned when others are blunt to them. 1
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