dickyboi Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Hello. I came across this site as I have recently gone through a break up and thought I'd share my story. I'm hoping someone may be able to shed a bit of light on where it's all heading. 6 weeks ago I made the decision to leave my wife and move back in with my parents. We had been together for 12 years, married for 7. I am 30 and she is 29. We have 2 beautiful children together. Our relationship was everything anyone would want for the first 6-7 years. We were madly in love and as far as I'm aware very happy together. Back in 2011 my wife had an affair with her ex boyfriend and I left the home. I stupidly rebounded with a girl i work with and had a one night stand with her (guilt kicked in).After only a week, I couldn't stop thinking about my wife and she begged me to come home. I did. I forgave her and hoped we'd move on. During the last 4 years we've had our ups and downs as most marriages do but, in this time I became addicted to alcohol. I became very snappy whilst drinking, saying alot of hurtful things to her ( I never once became physical with her). She begged me to cut down on the beer but me being selfish and hooked, all I heard was nagging. Finally to get to where I'm at now, I chose the cowards way and moved out. Left my wife heartbroken and my kids. She begged me to come back and I kept saying no. But then 2 weeks into our separation it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I left the only woman I ever loved and my kids all because I was selfish and couldn't kick a stupid habit. She now refuses to give us another chance and says she and the kids have settled now. Some hot and cold things have happened in the last month. I phoned her last week apologising for how I had treated her and knew I had to change my ways. She confessed that she still missed me to a friend of mine and said she missed the " old" me. I have made all the classic mistakes in the last 4 weeks, begging, texting constantly saying I will change. Etc.. She says she would still like to be friends for the kids sake. We have been out together with friends on a couple of occasions but she said it felt awkard. We haven't spoken for 2 days now. I don't want to push her further away. I have also been informed she may have another man in her life already. So there I have bared my soul. I have been a complete tool and regret walking away. Have I lost her forever or is this her way of teaching me a lesson? Hopefully someone can help calm me down or tell me honestly what I'm dreading. Thanks for taking the time to read my story. Regards Mark.
Shock148 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 I have never been married but I can tell you woman takes things to heart. You not changing your ways and actually just one day leaving her and your kids might have been the nail in the coffin for you. She now thinks that maybe she can never trust you again to do the same thing. The fact that she might already have another man in her life means that it is probably over. Leaving a woman heartbroken is usually the end of any kind of romantic relationship. I have left my ex heartbroken once and we tried to work it out after that but she never felt the same about me again. Hopefully I am wrong but from my own personal experience it seems like she just wants to be cordial with you because of the kids but not be with you anymore. She probably will never love you the same as before you left her.
Jc396 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) Just out of curiosity, do you think the drinking stemmed from her cheating on you and you not properly taking the time out to heal away from the relationship? I asked because like you, I took back someone after an affair thinking that things would get better and it only went downhill from there. It's hard to pick back up in a relationship after cheating without there being some significant time to yourselves. Deep down you will resent the cheater even if on the outside you appear to be fine and moving forward. Edited September 30, 2015 by Jc396
Author dickyboi Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 I know 100 % I turned to alcohol to try and ease the pain when we split in 2011. I hardly drank before that, only socially and even then I couldn't handle much. I got hooked on it, I'm not proud of it. In the 6 weeks we've been separated I've had a drink 3 times. Once I cracked and the other 2 occasions were friends birthday parties. I'm determined to fight my urges. I know I could tell her a thousand times I've changed but, the only way to prove it is by doing it. One reason we struggled in the last couple of years was when she got a new job. She was working 2-9.30 pm and my shift was 6- 2.30 so, we never really saw much of one another. Sometimes she would have to sleep there (she's a social worker ) and, I couldn't get used to barely seeing her. We argued like most couples but, this time around I had enough. I was selfish not to try and work through it and I regret us not talking things through. She has messaged me today saying she is happy on her own now with the kids and nothing will change her mind. That was her reply when I tried to apologise and accept what is happening. My stomach is in knots but I deserve everything I'm going through. I was weak and gave up on her, but I relay back to the time she told me to leave, I didn't want to, I loved her so much. She asked me to come back then, I'm hoping that by giving her time and space she may see us trying again in the future.
Shock148 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I know 100 % I turned to alcohol to try and ease the pain when we split in 2011. I hardly drank before that, only socially and even then I couldn't handle much. I got hooked on it, I'm not proud of it. In the 6 weeks we've been separated I've had a drink 3 times. Once I cracked and the other 2 occasions were friends birthday parties. I'm determined to fight my urges. I know I could tell her a thousand times I've changed but, the only way to prove it is by doing it. One reason we struggled in the last couple of years was when she got a new job. She was working 2-9.30 pm and my shift was 6- 2.30 so, we never really saw much of one another. Sometimes she would have to sleep there (she's a social worker ) and, I couldn't get used to barely seeing her. We argued like most couples but, this time around I had enough. I was selfish not to try and work through it and I regret us not talking things through. She has messaged me today saying she is happy on her own now with the kids and nothing will change her mind. That was her reply when I tried to apologise and accept what is happening. My stomach is in knots but I deserve everything I'm going through. I was weak and gave up on her, but I relay back to the time she told me to leave, I didn't want to, I loved her so much. She asked me to come back then, I'm hoping that by giving her time and space she may see us trying again in the future. Honestly I hope she does, but just know it's not looking good for that to happen anytime soon if not ever. Abandoning your family is just too much for an ex wife to forgive. Your only chance was to go back at most a couple of days later after she cried and pleaded for you to do so. Time heals all wounds but this is too fresh for her and the fact that she says that she is happy she is probably thinking to herself that she is better off without you. Show her, however long it takes the old you. And by that I mean not pleading or constantly apologizing to her because she doesnt want to hear it, but be there for your kids. Show her you are a great dad who does not drink anymore and maybe in the future there could possibly be something.
Author dickyboi Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 Update....we have met up today to do some Xmas shopping for the kids. She seemed happy and we were chatting. Had lunch together and reminisced about old times. Felt lovely to be just the two of us again getting along. But knowing I'm in the friend zone now is a bitter pill to swallow but, I have to let her be herself and not push anymore. I'm hoping things are looking up but I'm not holding my breath quite yet.
Shock148 Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Update....we have met up today to do some Xmas shopping for the kids. She seemed happy and we were chatting. Had lunch together and reminisced about old times. Felt lovely to be just the two of us again getting along. But knowing I'm in the friend zone now is a bitter pill to swallow but, I have to let her be herself and not push anymore. I'm hoping things are looking up but I'm not holding my breath quite yet. Thats a great update. Just do exactly what you are doing. Who knows, maybe enough of this (kids bday parties, school shopping, etc.) and you show her the old you and have no arguments, then she might turn around and give you 1 last chance. I hope she does honestly, but like you said yourself, don't hold your breath or hope for that. If it happens then thats great, if not then that's fine.
Author dickyboi Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 Thanks for your honest replies. I know I'm holding on to hope and I shouldn't. She's still adamant it's not going to happen but my family keep saying just give her time. Maybe one day she will let us try again. We'll see. Just hard to see it at the moment.
Recommended Posts