Sunshine2016 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 (edited) Hello all, I'm currently dealing with an emotional challenging situation. My ex slowed things down on the basis he can't give me the level of commitment I require ( a significant departure from his initial promises) etc. We'd only been together for several months when this happened and I questioned why I was taking it so hard. I read a few threads and came across a comment which read as follows (not verbatim, I'm paraphrasing) "sometimes it's not about the length/duration of the relationship, but the strength of the connection''. This helped me understand that in spite of the relatively brief tenure of the relationship, my feelings of hurt, disappointment and sadness were and are validated. My reason for creating this specific thread is to basically seek encouragment about my prospects of finding another person whom I will share a strong connection with; someone I will be physically and emotionally attracted to. I realise after deep thought, that one of the things holding me back is the fear that God forbid, I will never find a loving partner. But this surely is an irrational though, hopefully? If I knew with some degree of certainty that I would feel something for someone else in the near future hopefully, I wouldn't be so distraught about this relationship. I'd feel so much better if I knew this was just a ''temporary position''. That something better and far more rewarding was on its way to me. I'm 29 years old so I've been through a number of relationships, some amazing and some awful. I am admittedly a bit jaded but I try to remain optimistic, it's so difficult though. People keep saying ''you will find love again, you will be happy again and you will move on''. I want to desperately believe them and believe in these words...should I? It gives me some relief to think that I will be happy with someone again. Am I being delusional? Edited September 29, 2015 by Sunshine2016
Shock148 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Hello all, I'm currently dealing with an emotional challenging situation. My ex slowed things down on the basis he can't give me the level of commitment I require ( a significant departure from his initial promises) etc. We'd only been together for several months when this happened and I questioned why I was taking it so hard. I read a few threads and came across a comment which read as follows (not verbatim, I'm paraphrasing) "sometimes it's not about the length/duration of the relationship, but the strength of the connection''. This helped me understand that in spite of the relatively brief tenure of the relationship, my feelings of hurt, disappointment and sadness were and are validated. My reason for creating this specific thread is to basically seek encouragment about my prospects of finding another person whom I will share a strong connection with; someone I will be physically and emotionally attracted to. I realise after deep thought, that one of the things holding me back is the fear that God forbid, I will never find a loving partner. But this surely is an irrational though, hopefully? If I knew with some degree of certainty that I would feel something for someone else in the near future hopefully, I wouldn't be so distraught about this relationship. I'd feel so much better if I knew this was just a ''temporary position''. That something better and far more rewarding was on its way to me. I'm 29 years old so I've been through a number of relationships, some amazing and some awful. I am admittedly a bit jaded but I try to remain optimistic, it's so difficult though. People keep saying ''you will find love again, you will be happy again and you will move on''. I want to desperately believe them and believe in these words...should I? It gives me some relief to think that I will be happy with someone again. Am I being delusional? You said it yourself, you have been in a number of relationships, some good and some not so good. You just answered your own question. You will definitely meet someone who you will have another deep connection with both physically and emotionally. We all think this way when the pain of loss is so fresh but just go out and live life. I mean if you honestly believe 1 person out of 7 billion people is the only one you can have a deep connection with then you are delusional. 2
Bo34 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 I think this is spot on with how I'm feeling as of the current moment too. I feel very sad that my relationship with my ex had to end. I miss her beyond words, even though she left me. However, let's hypothetically assume someone from the future could assure you that you'll find someone else that you will truly love in the not so distant future. Having known that, I wouldn't take this most current breakup as hard as I am. It's not just the lost of my ex and the memories I cherished with her, but also the fear that I won't find someone like her again in my lifetime. The fear that I will either be single, or quite possibly worse, have to settle. It's definitely not easy finding someone you're attracted to physically, having them being attracted to you, and then having great chemistry/compatibility with one another. 1
Author Sunshine2016 Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 Thank you both for your responses. Much appreciated. @ shock148, I hope so :-). I hope we cross paths soon. I met two guys when I went out on Friday night who have been chatting me up (in addition to the 5 or so other guys who want to take me out on dayes) but I'm not remotely attracted to them and it feels like a chore/ burden responding to their messages. In fact I've asked my twin sister to chat as me and respond to them. I have no desire to engage in small talk knowing very well that my heart doesn't as much flutter with any excitement or desire at the thought of being with them. I just want to be left alone to heal but I feel bad because these guys haven't done anything wrong to me.
Author Sunshine2016 Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 I think this is spot on with how I'm feeling as of the current moment too. I feel very sad that my relationship with my ex had to end. I miss her beyond words, even though she left me. However, let's hypothetically assume someone from the future could assure you that you'll find someone else that you will truly love in the not so distant future. Having known that, I wouldn't take this most current breakup as hard as I am. It's not just the lost of my ex and the memories I cherished with her, but also the fear that I won't find someone like her again in my lifetime. The fear that I will either be single, or quite possibly worse, have to settle. It's definitely not easy finding someone you're attracted to physically, having them being attracted to you, and then having great chemistry/compatibility with one another. You and me both. I'd like to think it's just an irrational fear on both our parts. *hugs*
Travelchick84 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 This is my fear... I know how you feel. When I met my ex I was very confident, strong and very take it or leave it as I wasn't prepared to be in a relationship that wasn't going to be serious - he chased me and we fell in love. I then over time lost sight of who I was and relied on him for my happiness. So now, day 20 NC and I want to get back to the woman I was when he met me, and that takes time and so does healing, you won't heal if you are spending time and efforts messaging other guys, you need to feel it from within and feel good about yourself in order for you to actually enjoy chatting and meeting new guys. You shouldn't let your twin do it for you either!! Lol by the way! Just don't have any contact with men for a while and find yourself again and be with your girlfriends and get a spa treatment or something. Spend money on you and not drinks out with guys who you at re just not interested in. If it was the other way around you wouldn't want your date to be sat there not having any interest in getting to know you because they were still moving on and just didn't want to meet anyone deep down. My friends have said for me to get out there and flirt but I can't until I feel ready and I'm able to fully give my all into dating again. If we have been hurt we need time to move on and realise there are some good guys out there despite how we feel about the guys we loved so very recently. Hope this helps Hun, I know how you're feeling and I feel the same but I truly believe that we will find someone great again - we found it before we can find it again and this time it will be better because we gave ourselves time to heal x
mightycpa Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 The short answer is that you probably have at least one more left in you between now and 35. Probably just one. That said, I don't know if what is likely for your demographic is likely for you: 1'm 29 years old so I've been through a number of relationships, some amazing and some awful.I'm not really sure what having an "amazing" relationship means. For example, I was with one girl who, on paper, was perfect for me. She was a catch and we had this really great thing going. But because I never really loved her, in the end it was better for me than it was for her. I left that relationship happy to have been with her and with few regrets, and she was closer to devastated by it, and maybe sorry she ever met me. I'm sure both of us would describe our time together as "amazing". It was, and those are among my fondest memories of being single. So, amazing or not, I don't think that gets to the heart of your question. I would ask a series of questions similar to this: How many times have you been in love? When was the first time? How long between each? Do you fall easily? Do you fall in love with people that are right for you (not to be confused with whether you're right for them)? How long does it take you to get over somebody? Do you fall out of love naturally, or does it take another relationship to supplant the last one? How's your prospect pool looking? Do you live in a large population area or out in the sticks? You don't have to answer them, but they are food for thought. For example, for me, love is rare, whereas great relationships were a lot easier to come by. My approach to dating was to cast a wide net, and not spend a lot of time where there did not seem to be promise for the future. Had I been more "girlfriend/relationship oriented", love probably would have passed me by. I think your approach to getting what you want, given who you really are, is key. 1
Liono84 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 It's all on how you approach it. There's A LOTTT of negative people on these forums, and you can't take what they say seriously. (I certainly as hell don't). Believe in yourself, love yourself and you will eventually find someone else. Right now, it's probably not the best idea to go on dates like you mentioned, considering that you're clearly effected by this loss and appear to be mourning. Just take some time off and focus on yourself. Once the feelings dissipate, put yourself out there. Good luck, and stay strong!
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