What am I supposed to do with this?

[kittiehehe676]

I have been dating a guy for almost a year and I'm hoping to get some answers or another point of view. Things have came up in the relationship at certain points and now I am in a mess. Probably 3 or 4 months in the relationship, he moved in with me. I did a lot for the guy. I bent over backwards for him and he never really did much for me. He never even cleaned up after himself. I learned I am a very loving person and I give and honestly he didn't follow through with much in making me feel special. I became insecure because I felt like I couldn't talk to him about my feelings. He would stonewall me and not really respond, so it kind of became me nagging because I felt like I wasn't getting through to him. I became really insecure because I felt like he just was not there and here I was giving him my best. It seemed like he lied at points, but then he would just deny it, give his answer, it and it made me grow Leary of him.I eventually started going though his phone and it got worse. I know this was the wrong thing to do though. I guess my reasoning was if he's not here in his mind, then where is he at? Eventually we got to a point to where he had a problem with my ex hanging with us. He had said beforehand that, I know he is your friend so it's all good. The ex who is a good friend even talked to him to make sure because otherwise he would understand if he was uncomfortable. So after some time passed, my boyfriend started saying he saw things between us. I tried to reassure him that I wanted him only and he eventually gave me an ultimatum. I was really upset about it because I knew it wasn't that way for me and I just wanted to be with him. He said he had discussed it with me before, but honestly I don't remember much of it. He never really made an issue of it. So after that, he kinda made it to where he couldn't be with me and I ended up having some food and beer with my friend because I was so upset and i was honest with him and didn't lie about it. Ever since this has happened, he took it like I was cheating. He's has bashed me every single time and it didn't stop really and he keeps saying he has seen it as cheating. I did whatever it took to try to help him. I backed off from my friend because maybe he did say things to me about it and so I set out to try to fix it. I even had proof I backed off! And it seemed like it didn't matter what I did to try to help, he kept bashing me and being angry. Anyways, so things got worse and worse. He moved back home.He broke up with me and went back and forth about being with me. He stayed angry and kept saying I cheated on him with my ex. Eventually, after not seeing for him awhile, I found him on dating sites. Eventually, I find the girls he's talking to who he is trying to take out when he is with me and still denied he wasn't on it even though I found the damn thing and we didn't talk for a bit and then he came back and said he really missed me and just wanted to be with me. I ended up finding another girl he was talking to from a dating website because he had sent himself emails of girls phone numbers. At This point, I really don't trust him. He gave me his computer log ons for his emails and Facebook, but it honestly seemed like he cleaned it up. I continued to look at his stuff and made sure he wasn't on any dating sites and haven't found anything, but at the same time he swears he is not talking to anyone. I asked him for his Text logs because that would prove to me I know he isn't talking to anyone and he has fought me for it. I told him i don't want to be the stupid one again to stick their neck out and get ****ted on. I know he doesn't trust me and I told him that whatever he needed, I would give because I care and I have nothing to hide and want him to trust me, but at the same time he won't do it. That makes me think he has something to hide. I told him this **** would be hard, but if he is willing to put in the work, I think things could be ok. I'm not sure what I need to do. I thought he would work with me because I don't trust him, but he's not cooperating and all he has done is blame me saying, well if I hadn't had drinks with my boyfriend, it would have never come to this ( I actually just had a beer and left). Can anyone give me a point of view? I need to mention also that I have learned a great deal about him. He has been emotionally abusive, calling me names at certain points and its seemed like he is pretty manipulative. He keeps jerking me around and seems like he used the relationship like a reward. He would blow me off and he would tell me things like, you know I was going to do something nice for you , but nope you f***** that up. I was going to work this out with you, but no I don't like how you are being.

Edited September 29, 2015 by kittiehehe676
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[Redhead14]

I have been dating a guy for almost a year and I'm hoping to get some answers or another point of view. Things have came up in the relationship at certain points and now I am in a mess. Probably 3 or 4 months in the relationship, he moved in with me. I did a lot for the guy. I bent over backwards for him and he never really did much for me. He never even cleaned up after himself. I learned I am a very loving person and I give and honestly he didn't follow through with much in making me feel special. I became insecure because I felt like I couldn't talk to him about my feelings. He would stonewall me and not really respond, so it kind of became me nagging because I felt like I wasn't getting through to him. I became really insecure because I felt like he just was not there and here I was giving him my best. It seemed like he lied at points, but then he would just deny it, give his answer, it and it made me grow Leary of him.I eventually started going though his phone and it got worse. I know this was the wrong thing to do though. I guess my reasoning was if he's not here in his mind, then where is he at? Eventually we got to a point to where he had a problem with my ex hanging with us. He had said beforehand that, I know he is your friend so it's all good. The ex who is a good friend even talked to him to make sure because otherwise he would understand if he was uncomfortable. So after some time passed, my boyfriend started saying he saw things between us. I tried to reassure him that I wanted him only and he eventually gave me an ultimatum. I was really upset about it because I knew it wasn't that way for me and I just wanted to be with him. He said he had discussed it with me before, but honestly I don't remember much of it. He never really made an issue of it. So after that, he kinda made it to where he couldn't be with me and I ended up having some food and beer with my friend because I was so upset and i was honest with him and didn't lie about it. Ever since this has happened, he took it like I was cheating. He's has bashed me every single time and it didn't stop really and he keeps saying he has seen it as cheating. I did whatever it took to try to help him. I backed off from my friend because maybe he did say things to me about it and so I set out to try to fix it. I even had proof I backed off! And it seemed like it didn't matter what I did to try to help, he kept bashing me and being angry. Anyways, so things got worse and worse. He moved back home.He broke up with me and went back and forth about being with me. He stayed angry and kept saying I cheated on him with my ex. Eventually, after not seeing for him awhile, I found him on dating sites. Eventually, I find the girls he's talking to who he is trying to take out when he is with me and still denied he wasn't on it even though I found the damn thing and we didn't talk for a bit and then he came back and said he really missed me and just wanted to be with me. I ended up finding another girl he was talking to from a dating website because he had sent himself emails of girls phone numbers. At This point, I really don't trust him. He gave me his computer log ons for his emails and Facebook, but it honestly seemed like he cleaned it up. I continued to look at his stuff and made sure he wasn't on any dating sites and haven't found anything, but at the same time he swears he is not talking to anyone. I asked him for his Text logs because that would prove to me I know he isn't talking to anyone and he has fought me for it. I told him i don't want to be the stupid one again to stick their neck out and get ****ted on. I know he doesn't trust me and I told him that whatever he needed, I would give because I care and I have nothing to hide and want him to trust me, but at the same time he won't do it. That makes me think he has something to hide. I told him this **** would be hard, but if he is willing to put in the work, I think things could be ok. I'm not sure what I need to do. I thought he would work with me because I don't trust him, but he's not cooperating and all he has done is blame me saying, well if I hadn't had drinks with my boyfriend, it would have never come to this ( I actually just had a beer and left). Can anyone give me a point of view? I need to mention also that I have learned a great deal about him. He has been emotionally abusive, calling me names at certain points and its seemed like he is pretty manipulative. He keeps jerking me around and seems like he used the relationship like a reward. He would blow me off and he would tell me things like, you know I was going to do something nice for you , but nope you f***** that up. I was going to work this out with you, but no I don't like how you are being.

 

I have learned a great deal about him -- what you haven't learned anything about is yourself.

 

And, he has learned a great deal about you -- that you will tolerate anything from him and compromise your needs and sanity for him.

 

I wanted him only

I bent over backwards for him

I did whatever it took to try to help him

 

 

I was going to do something nice for you , but nope you f***** that up -- this is a form of "gaslighting", a narcissistic method of controlling a partner so as to shift blame and cause them to question themselves.

 

I don't trust him

 

he never really did much for me

 

he didn't follow through

 

He keeps jerking me around

 

He doesn't trust me

 

You haven't mentioned one single redeeming quality about this man. What's to think about? Move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't see any reason to stay in this relationship. It's obviously not making you happy and he clearly isn't going to meet you halfway. There's also no trust between you and he doesn't appear to be interested in re-building it.

 

Time to move on.