ljn1650 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 So, as specified in a previous thread, my boyfriend of 3 months ended it with me because things were getting too serious and he still hadn't got over the whole fall out after his last long term relationship - citing he needed time and needed to be on his own for longer. After a break, and chatting to each other (and realising we missed each other) - we decided to give it another go, taking it very slow. Boy, do I regret doing that. While he would ring me every day as if things were back to normal, being upbeat and loving. He wasn't as eager to make plans, he would ask me out but not be able to 'pinpoint a specific date yet',sometimes late. He would say he wanted to do this and that with me, but never make concrete plans (compared to the first few months where he couldn't see enough of me). My intuition told me this wasn't fair and I told him he was right to end it in the first place and I was wrong to start it back up again, and we should stop now so i have no expectations. He responded by saying he felt I was making a big deal out of nothing, and because of his new job his evenings and weekends are full up and asking if this is what i actually wanted (to end it i mean). I said I have now made an informed decision I deserve more, and we said our goodbyes. However...a week later he text me to make sure im okay and that i could ring him if i fancied a chat (!) as if our previous conversation never happened, i ignored and then he sent me a link to something I would like a few hours later. I ignored that too......... Now its been another week and i am starting to miss him, even though i know we're not meant to be. I am also questioning why he contacted me again after i said it was over, and I feel very rude ignoring him. I'm worried he will move on and be more available to another girl.
Redhead14 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 So, as specified in a previous thread, my boyfriend of 3 months ended it with me because things were getting too serious and he still hadn't got over the whole fall out after his last long term relationship - citing he needed time and needed to be on his own for longer. After a break, and chatting to each other (and realising we missed each other) - we decided to give it another go, taking it very slow. Boy, do I regret doing that. While he would ring me every day as if things were back to normal, being upbeat and loving. He wasn't as eager to make plans, he would ask me out but not be able to 'pinpoint a specific date yet',sometimes late. He would say he wanted to do this and that with me, but never make concrete plans (compared to the first few months where he couldn't see enough of me). My intuition told me this wasn't fair and I told him he was right to end it in the first place and I was wrong to start it back up again, and we should stop now so i have no expectations. He responded by saying he felt I was making a big deal out of nothing, and because of his new job his evenings and weekends are full up and asking if this is what i actually wanted (to end it i mean). I said I have now made an informed decision I deserve more, and we said our goodbyes. However...a week later he text me to make sure im okay and that i could ring him if i fancied a chat (!) as if our previous conversation never happened, i ignored and then he sent me a link to something I would like a few hours later. I ignored that too......... Now its been another week and i am starting to miss him, even though i know we're not meant to be. I am also questioning why he contacted me again after i said it was over, and I feel very rude ignoring him. I'm worried he will move on and be more available to another girl. I'm worried he will move on and be more available to another girl -- If he makes himself more available to another girl, it will confirm that he was just keeping you on a string until another girl came along . . . You broke up with him and you do not need to feel guilty about ignoring him. You don't owe him anything anymore. You ended it and he is now disrespecting that boundary. A break up is a boundary. 3
jefermelesyeux Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 If he does move on and make himself more available to another girl, then I say you've dodged a bullet. That would show that he didn't think highly enough of you or respect you enough to be honest about what HE wanted, which doesn't seem too clear to me. It's a tough situation, dating someone who'd recently been out of a LTR. There's always that lingering notion that (s)he might end it out of the blue for their ex or not be able to give themselves wholly to you due to feelings of the past. It sucks, and I'm sorry. Though he did seem happy to have you back your second go, I don't like that he never made concrete plans with you. And then he accused you of making a big deal out of nothing? Red flag. I understand his job may get in the way of that, but someone who really wants to see you will make plans and keep them. No matter what. It almost seems like he wanted to keep you around but not fully invest, and that's not fair to you. I totally understand missing him and wanting to contact him, but think of it this way: if you do, do you really think anything will change? If he were really crazy about you, I'd say he'd already have gotten in contact with you wanting to reconcile. Stay strong! You deserve better. 1
Guyouthere Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 This sounds a lot like what I just had…. Woman I did so much for, she gets made coz I make a statement I want to date, she says "I crossed a line". She tells me many times… "I'm not in a relationship". Well, wtf? You want commitment from me, but you tell me at the same time you don't want to commit to me/us? We made plans together, and she showed how much I meant to her when she found a guy on the side, kept him hidden from me, and then said "we can talk as friends". No, it doesn't work like that.
Redhead14 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. She broke up with him and ignored him so if he moves on to another girl, he disrespected her? She broke up with him so he's free to date whoever he wants. You've missed the point -- if he finds another girl and gives the new girl more time, time that he said he didn't have for the OP, it means he didn't care enough about her when he was in that relationship and was just stringing the OP along for sex, likely.
Author ljn1650 Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 Times change. Schedules change all the time. Expecting someone's time to remain the same forever is stupid. Besides, we are only getting one side of the story here. For all we know, her own schedule might have clashed with his several times. So I should wait like a good girl for his calls, and when he is available? All on his terms? I can't have a relationship with someone whose idea of a plan is 'I'll let you know...' ' might have time for a quick drink' 'can't pinpoint a day' 'too hungover to meet' Yet confusingly calls me lots for chats. You can't have a one sided relationship. If you like someone you physically make time for them. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Times change. Schedules change all the time. Expecting someone's time to remain the same forever is stupid. Besides, we are only getting one side of the story here. For all we know, her own schedule might have clashed with his several times. Oh, I agree. But we can only address what the OP presents and respond to her best interests. However, it appears to have been a regular problem with this guy. But, generally, even if a guy is busy and he really is interested in or cares for a woman, he will make time for her.
Gus Grimly Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 You can't have a one sided relationship. If you like someone you physically make time for them. Then move on. Don't waste your time if this is his modus operandi.
katiegrl Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 So I should wait like a good girl for his calls, and when he is available? All on his terms? I can't have a relationship with someone whose idea of a plan is 'I'll let you know...' ' might have time for a quick drink' 'can't pinpoint a day' 'too hungover to meet' Yet confusingly calls me lots for chats. You can't have a one sided relationship. If you like someone you physically make time for them. No you shouldn't, of course not! So .....what's the urge to call him then? What do you hope to accomplish?
Author ljn1650 Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 No you shouldn't, of course not! So .....what's the urge to call him then? What do you hope to accomplish? Because he contacted me again - it threw me off a little bit. I am confused as to why he's saying to call him, and sending me things of interest based on our experiences together. And I'm wondering if I'm making a mistake in ignoring him. He broke it off with me first because he needed time alone, right? I remembered this and ended it because his actions reflected that he is not ready for a relationship with me. So contacting me is not helping him either. I don't understand.
katiegrl Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 (edited) Because he contacted me again - it threw me off a little bit. I am confused as to why he's saying to call him, and sending me things of interest based on our experiences together. And I'm wondering if I'm making a mistake in ignoring him. He broke it off with me first because he needed time alone, right? I remembered this and ended it because his actions reflected that he is not ready for a relationship with me. So contacting me is not helping him either. I don't understand. He enjoys keeping you on the hook if for no other reason than it feeds his ego....but seriously, who cares, just block him and move on...... I recall your previous thread.... and I am curious, why did you ever get back together with him in the first place? But you did and now it's same ole, same ole......just like LAST time. You need to end this toxic dance/game you're playing with each other. Push/pull, back and forth -- I have a friend who allowed this type of toxic push/pull bullcrap to go on for YEARS between her and her on and off boyfriend... and it nearly destroyed her. Bottom line....he is not ready (or does not want) a RL with you.... you KNOW that.... again just block him and move on. You feel the urge to contact him? Remember this ^^^..... Edited September 29, 2015 by katiegrl 1
GemmaUK Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Just change his name in your contact list to 'don't text'. Works a treat! Or you could just block him or get a blocking app. 1
Jejangles Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Because he contacted me again - it threw me off a little bit. I am confused as to why he's saying to call him, and sending me things of interest based on our experiences together. And I'm wondering if I'm making a mistake in ignoring him. He broke it off with me first because he needed time alone, right? I remembered this and ended it because his actions reflected that he is not ready for a relationship with me. So contacting me is not helping him either. I don't understand. Those are what Natalie Lue of Baggage Reclaim calls bread crumbs. He likes you enough to stay in touch / see you once in a while, but he's not in a place to offer a relationship. He's giving you crumbs, not the whole muffin! Delete his messages as soon you receive them so you are not tempted to reply, and give yourself a task whenever you are tempted to contact him (like you have to do push ups, clean the bathroom, whatever). The urge to stay in touch will pass, just give it time. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Those are what Natalie Lue of Baggage Reclaim calls bread crumbs. He likes you enough to stay in touch / see you once in a while, but he's not in a place to offer a relationship. He's giving you crumbs, not the whole muffin! Delete his messages as soon you receive them so you are not tempted to reply, and give yourself a task whenever you are tempted to contact him (like you have to do push ups, clean the bathroom, whatever). The urge to stay in touch will pass, just give it time. This. I also strongly recommend Natalie Lue's writings. Very worthwhile read. OP, it would also be good to ask yourself what exactly you miss about him. The first time around, he wasn't totally available and broke it off. The second time around, still not available. Sometimes we miss who we think that person was or could be, but not who they really are now. Focus on the now part. It wasn't making you happy.
StocksnBlondes Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 OP Here's a suggestion from another thread of similar nature: Get yourself a runner band Put it around your wrist Snap it against your skin every time you get the urge to reach out to him IMO he's using you until someone else comes along and playing games ...or he's just unstable ...in either case he's bad news for you and will only hurt you ...the rubber band pain is like the pain he'll inflict on your heart. Take control and protect your heart from his madness.
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