Guilt - responding to behavior

[MoreAmore]

I have a serious boyfriend. This boyfriend loves me very much and heaven knows I put him through the ringers. He has/had a lot of problems but has been more than willing to work on addressing them.

 

He has been understanding of everything with me, and I have been crazy with him in a way I never have been with any of my relationships before.

He is upset with one thing.

 

A year before we began dating, I went out on a few dates with this guy. I realized I wasn't ready, and told him that. He asked to be friends. Then, as time went on, I told him I would never be with him. This upset him. I actually wasn't sure because I liked him a lot, but he had continued heavy pressure so even when I was ready to date I wasn't ready for serious and marriage and I felt that's what he represented based on all he said, so I thought better cut him off and allow him to move on rather than him waiting for something I might not be able to give. He had been clear on wanting a family. He was almost too perfect. We had a great time together. I do not know we would have been sexually compatible for while he was very good looking, things hadn't meshed well there.

He asked to continue being friends. I asked him if he was sure he could handle that because I never wanted to hurt him. He said yes.

Later when I met my boyfriend, I still didn't feel ready but he responded in a much more laid back way and comfortable, mutual love and comfort in something serious did develop.

When this happened, it became clear the first guy was NOT okay with being friends. There was anger, sadness, etc. I felt guilty for hurting him, angry he lied about his intentions, sad that he was hurting when he was just amazing and definitely deserves happiness.

I did stop responding, finally realizing that sometimes cruelty is the best kindness.

It has been six months since we last spoke. He still sends emails every few days about being in love with me. At the beginning he sent many gifts but that tapered off as I returned each one. He has never showed up where he shouldn't.

I told him in my only response that I was blocking his email and please do not contact me though I wish him well in his other endeavors and hope he finds someone wonderful. It stopped for a few weeks then continued under a new email address. He never threatens and I can't see him ever hurting me though I know he has guns because we shot together many times. The emails lament us not being a family, say I am the only time he has ever loved anyone, talk of us being married, and vent frustration about my boyfriend not deserving me and getting me so "easy."

 

I've of course been entirely open with my boyfriend about all communication from the beginning.

He is feeling very uncomfortable and has asked me to involve the police.

 

I feel like my behavior in the beginning led to this, and that he hadn't threatened or done anything more than emails which upset me but certainly are not harmful. It hasn't escalated to him following me in person. Some cyberstalking, clearly, though I closed down all social media a few weeks ago to see if that helps and have stopped using my name when pre registering for events.

I don't want to make things tough on this guy who was always wonderful to me.

I just want him to move on and be happy and not bother my boyfriend or myself.

 

My boyfriend and I are planning on moving in together in a couple months when his lease ends.

 

This is the only thing he has ever asked of me. he has complied with my requests to quit drinking, smoking, etc.

Progressing to legal and restraining orders over something that doesn't do more than upset me seems wrong.

 

What do I do here?

Edited September 29, 2015 by MoreAmore

[road]

RO time. Call the police.

[PegNosePete]

Tell him that if he doesn't stop stalking you, you will contact the police.

[MoreAmore]

Here's a TL; DR: I was editing when the reply came.

 

Edited to make more readable.

 

Ask if more information is needed.

 

My boyfriend who I will soon be moving in with wants me to report a guy who keeps sending me emails about being in love with me even after I blocked one email address.

 

I don't want to hurt the guy since he has never threatened me and never shown up where he shouldn't be in person... Only online, and because he was really good to me while we were friends, and because j feel guilt that my behavior a year and a half ago led to this.

 

My boyfriend feels he is a risk, because he keeps bringing up how him and I should be married and a family and my boyfriend doesn't deserve me.

 

I love my boyfriend and want to do as he asks in all things, but feel wrong here.

 

What should I do?

[PegNosePete]

My boyfriend feels he is a risk, because he keeps bringing up how him and I should be married and a family and my boyfriend doesn't deserve me.

He is a risk because he is mentally unstable.

 

Normal, rational people do not behave like this.

 

Unless you've actually been feeding him some response, no matter how minimal, no sane person would continue e-mailing on a semi-daily basis for 6 months.

[ManyDissapoint]

Here's a TL; DR: I was editing when the reply came.

 

Edited to make more readable.

 

Ask if more information is needed.

 

My boyfriend who I will soon be moving in with wants me to report a guy who keeps sending me emails about being in love with me even after I blocked one email address.

 

I don't want to hurt the guy since he has never threatened me and never shown up where he shouldn't be in person... Only online, and because he was really good to me while we were friends, and because j feel guilt that my behavior a year and a half ago led to this.

 

My boyfriend feels he is a risk, because he keeps bringing up how him and I should be married and a family and my boyfriend doesn't deserve me.

 

I love my boyfriend and want to do as he asks in all things, but feel wrong here.

 

What should I do?

 

How is he able to keep sending you emails? If you blocked his first email, you should have blocked his second. It seems like deep down you don't want to let go of him as a backup option. You even described how sexual chemistry would be with him and think he's very attractive.

 

Yeah sure, write him that he's way way over the line and you will contact the police. But your behavior in letting this continue is suspicious, and I believe your current boyfriend is testing you to see if you are willing to do something drastic about this person who deep down he's not convinced is completely in your rear-view mirror.

[MoreAmore]

He is a risk because he is mentally unstable.

 

Normal, rational people do not behave like this.

 

Unless you've actually been feeding him some response, no matter how minimal, no sane person would continue e-mailing on a semi-daily basis for 6 months.

 

 

 

No I haven't responded in any way except the single I'm blocking you email for months.

[MoreAmore]

How is he able to keep sending you emails? If you blocked his first email, you should have blocked his second. It seems like deep down you don't want to let go of him as a backup option. You even described how sexual chemistry would be with him and think he's very attractive.

 

Yeah sure, write him that he's way way over the line and you will contact the police. But your behavior in letting this continue is suspicious, and I believe your current boyfriend is testing you to see if you are willing to do something drastic about this person who deep down he's not convinced is completely in your rear-view mirror.

 

 

New email addresses.

I have blocked three so far.

 

I was trying to be clear about my fault in starting this. I didn't wan to misrepresent anything unfairly. Or have anything I posted before dredged up as being hidden from my explanation.

 

I doubt my boyfriend is testing me. He really isn't the sort. He is without reproach when it comes to trusting me. I gave him full access to all my accounts early and he has never once logged in to look even through all this. (Seriously; he is amazing.). I think he is actually worried.

[MoreAmore]

Is there a way to block from IP or something I don't know about?

 

I wouldn't think so, but I am by no means a tech expert.

 

I would welcome instructions on how to do that

[PegNosePete]

Is there a way to block from IP or something I don't know about?

Unless you have control over your mail server, no.

 

You keep making excuses for this guy's behaviour. Saying what a nice guy he is..

 

He is a STALKER. He is displaying a dangerous behavioural condition and displaying mental instability. That is not "nice guy". That is psycho nutter.

 

You need to get him out of your life ASAP.

 

So stop making excuses about how you don't want to hurt him, and just do it.

[MoreAmore]

So far it seems the consensus is that I should contact the police and I'm not bing a horrible person if I do so.

 

That is the main question. Being good and fair to everyone is important to me.

[MoreAmore]

I guess follow up question is what is the process? What do I do and say?

 

I've always thought of stalking as threats or showing up at your door or following you, Moreso than just emails. I won't get laughed out of there?

 

Has anyone been through thr process? Thanks.

[kpl]

New email addresses.

I have blocked three so far.

 

I was trying to be clear about my fault in starting this. I didn't wan to misrepresent anything unfairly. Or have anything I posted before dredged up as being hidden from my explanation.

 

I doubt my boyfriend is testing me. He really isn't the sort. He is without reproach when it comes to trusting me. I gave him full access to all my accounts early and he has never once logged in to look even through all this. (Seriously; he is amazing.). I think he is actually worried.

 

change your email address immediately and phone number, close Facebook whatever is needed

[Redhead14]

I have a serious boyfriend. This boyfriend loves me very much and heaven knows I put him through the ringers. He has/had a lot of problems but has been more than willing to work on addressing them.

 

He has been understanding of everything with me, and I have been crazy with him in a way I never have been with any of my relationships before.

He is upset with one thing.

 

A year before we began dating, I went out on a few dates with this guy. I realized I wasn't ready, and told him that. He asked to be friends. Then, as time went on, I told him I would never be with him. This upset him. I actually wasn't sure because I liked him a lot, but he had continued heavy pressure so even when I was ready to date I wasn't ready for serious and marriage and I felt that's what he represented based on all he said, so I thought better cut him off and allow him to move on rather than him waiting for something I might not be able to give. He had been clear on wanting a family. He was almost too perfect. We had a great time together. I do not know we would have been sexually compatible for while he was very good looking, things hadn't meshed well there.

He asked to continue being friends. I asked him if he was sure he could handle that because I never wanted to hurt him. He said yes.

Later when I met my boyfriend, I still didn't feel ready but he responded in a much more laid back way and comfortable, mutual love and comfort in something serious did develop.

When this happened, it became clear the first guy was NOT okay with being friends. There was anger, sadness, etc. I felt guilty for hurting him, angry he lied about his intentions, sad that he was hurting when he was just amazing and definitely deserves happiness.

I did stop responding, finally realizing that sometimes cruelty is the best kindness.

It has been six months since we last spoke. He still sends emails every few days about being in love with me. At the beginning he sent many gifts but that tapered off as I returned each one. He has never showed up where he shouldn't.

I told him in my only response that I was blocking his email and please do not contact me though I wish him well in his other endeavors and hope he finds someone wonderful. It stopped for a few weeks then continued under a new email address. He never threatens and I can't see him ever hurting me though I know he has guns because we shot together many times. The emails lament us not being a family, say I am the only time he has ever loved anyone, talk of us being married, and vent frustration about my boyfriend not deserving me and getting me so "easy."

 

I've of course been entirely open with my boyfriend about all communication from the beginning.

He is feeling very uncomfortable and has asked me to involve the police.

 

I feel like my behavior in the beginning led to this, and that he hadn't threatened or done anything more than emails which upset me but certainly are not harmful. It hasn't escalated to him following me in person. Some cyberstalking, clearly, though I closed down all social media a few weeks ago to see if that helps and have stopped using my name when pre registering for events.

I don't want to make things tough on this guy who was always wonderful to me.

I just want him to move on and be happy and not bother my boyfriend or myself.

 

My boyfriend and I are planning on moving in together in a couple months when his lease ends.

 

This is the only thing he has ever asked of me. he has complied with my requests to quit drinking, smoking, etc.

Progressing to legal and restraining orders over something that doesn't do more than upset me seems wrong.

 

What do I do here?

 

Your current boyfriend is your priority. You do not need to manage or be concerned in anyway about your previous boyfriend. I doubt you could get a restraining order against him for just emailing or cyber-stalking. Simply refuse to respond in any way. Keep your boyfriend informed and be clear that you are not encouraging the ex by responding.

 

The fact that you are hesitant in any way to enforce boundaries with the ex would be an indicator to your current boyfriend that you are not over that relationship. If you truly are over it, make it clear or this will ruin your current relationship.

 

I don't want to make things tough on this guy who was always wonderful to me. -- Who cares? He's making things uncomfortable for you NOW.

[MoreAmore]

Your current boyfriend is your priority. You do not need to manage or be concerned in anyway about your previous boyfriend. I doubt you could get a restraining order against him for just emailing or cyber-stalking. Simply refuse to respond in any way. Keep your boyfriend informed and be clear that you are not encouraging the ex by responding.

 

The fact that you are hesitant in any way to enforce boundaries with the ex would be an indicator to your current boyfriend that you are not over that relationship. If you truly are over it, make it clear or this will ruin your current relationship.

 

I don't want to make things tough on this guy who was always wonderful to me. -- Who cares? He's making things uncomfortable for you NOW.

 

Every but of communication since the beginning has been immediately forwarded.

 

I did close down facebook four to six weeks ago. He follows my boyfriend's account which is entirely public for details of what is going on.

 

I have told him many times not to contact me. The police was all I was very concerned about. It seemed harsh since it could effect the field he is in to have charges levied against him.

[PegNosePete]

I did close down facebook four to six weeks ago. He follows my boyfriend's account which is entirely public for details of what is going on.

Tell your BF that he is stupid to allow this. Not just because of your ex, but in general. Having a public facebook profile is really, really dumb.

 

I have told him many times not to contact me. The police was all I was very concerned about. It seemed harsh since it could effect the field he is in to have charges levied against him.

Why do you care if he gets charges levied against him? He is acting like a crazy psycho. If he gets a criminal record and loses his career, he's only got himself to blame. Why are you blaming the victim (which is you)???

 

Send him one last e-mail. Tell him that you are not interested in ever communicating with him ever again, and if he sends you one more e-mail you will report him to the police for stalking.

 

You don't necessarily have to *do* it. In fact I would recommend that you don't bother. I'd just block him and if he creates another e-mail to get around the block, simply block that too. You seem to be putting so much effort into thinking about this, when it could be solved in 3 clicks of a mouse.

[GemmaUK]

Go to the police.

He is unlikely to get charged unless you actually wish to press charges.

Civil courts will not likely charge him for this level of behaviour.

 

He will get a warning.

Go to the police with every scrap of evidence you have.

Do not delete anything.

 

If you have already deleted everything then you need to keep any upcoming mails etc and take that to the police.

[Zippy2000]

I guess follow up question is what is the process? What do I do and say?

 

I've always thought of stalking as threats or showing up at your door or following you, Moreso than just emails. I won't get laughed out of there?

 

Has anyone been through thr process? Thanks.

 

Why are most of the people on here telling you to go to the police. You can ONLY go to the police if a crime has been committed or he has caused "fear and alarm" to you.

 

Our Crown Prosecution Service says this:

 

"This legal guidance addresses behaviour which is repeated and unwanted by the victim and which causes the victim alarm or distress. Cases involving stalking and harassment can be difficult to prosecute, and because of their nature are likely to require sensitive handling, especially with regard to victim care."

 

Has his emails, threatened you? Have they caused any fear? Has he turned up in places you have been? None of this is stated in your email. If you do go to the police. They may not arrest him but they may have a word with him.

 

The problem with that is some people can take offence to this and they behaviour escaltes to anger and even more furstation in wanting to speak to you in person than having the police involved.

 

Are you not able to SHUT DOWN your email account and block this other guy from your boyfriends FB account?

 

It takes a lot of time for someone to fade away but ANY response by email will be ammunition for him to come at you for more answers. Best leave it alone and move on and disappear to a new home.