Nep2112 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Hi All. I stumbled upon this forum after googling, "how to get over an ex after 2 years." So i guess that pretty much explains why I am here. I am a 31 year old male. I was w my ex gf for exactly 3 years. I was the dumpee! We lived together for 2 years. Pretty typical story in the sense that for me it was love at first sight. I think I loved her from the moment I layed my eyes on her and always will. I of course was in previous relationships before and thought I knew what love was but I definitely did not until meeting my ex. The first 2 years was wonderful and was the happiest I have ever been and fear that I ever will be. After that careers, geography and 2 expert ball busters being with each other lead to things breaking down. Regardless of not getting along I would have stayed forever and she knew it. After it ended she had found a new bf within 3 months. Although knowing her and her personality I expected this, it rocked me. Im still not ready for a relationship. Sure I have had plenty of dates and tried to make things work but the problem is they arent her. I have tried everything; books, movies, working out, staying active, getting a dog. You name it and I have tried it. Her rebound relationship lasted a year during which time we did not speak. Little by little I felt better about things and she wasnt all that I thought about. Then last year she reached out to me apologizing for how things ended and asking everything ive been up to. This led to a few meetings for drinks/dinner which went great and of course this wrecked me. Im not the type to drunk dial or constantly text, I am very careful not to be a pathetic ex who cant get over it (at least outwardly) . Anyways smoothing over the hard feelings have led to numerous text convos a few tims a week. Mostly chit chat and ball busting. She seems to have clear boundaries and seems to be careful not to get into a situation that can lead anywhere. I have finally told her that as much as I love talking to her and having her in my life I just dont think I can do it anymore. Just text convos is not enough for me. The convos are great, its the time in between that sucks. She has always been the person to reach out to me. Maybe she is actually able to seperate past romantic feelings and just wants to be friends. Probably easier to do this as the dumper. Who knows what her motivations are? There is no way I can ever move on with my life if she keeps popping up. It is the ultimate catch 22 bc there is nothing more in life that I want than to see her, talk to her, laugh with her but to be able to have any chance of moving on and someday having those feelings again w someone else I felt like I had to cut it off. It sucks. Of course that one voice in my head tells me that she always is the one to reach out to me because I was her great love too. So to wrap up my rambling thoughts, I pretty much feel the same way I have felt for the last 2 years. I just cant shake it. As i said before I had plenty of previous relationships and ex gfs but she was def my first love. Seeing her picture, hearing her name, seeing a text from her still gives me that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I dont want to limit my life bc I am stuck on one person but even w/o any contact for a full year these feelings didnt change. Sorry for the long, rambling writing. Hopefully it wasnt boring. It has helped a little to read other peoples stories and realize I am not so alone with these feelings. Maybe my story will help you too.
LoveIsMyReligion Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Pretty sure she is using you for an ego boost and to reduce her guilt about breaking up with you. I don't think you want to be with a person who is only interested in themselves; you are interested in the person you think she is. The fact that we want what we can't have only makes you want her more. What I would do in your case is convince yourself that you and her will never be an item again... Get rid of that hope. If you were meant to be she never would have left you in the first place. Either block her or cut the conversations short to where you aren't asking her questions or allowing the conversation to drag on. Otherwise the obvious is going to happen when you play with fire.. Just my two cents. 2
Marco Valerio Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Hi brother, the same here. Two years post break up (she dumped me). She wasn't a good girlfriend at all and she became mean after the BU. She tried to reach me several times after the BU, but I kept the texts short and never initiated the convos. Since the six months mark post BU, she has sent me two texts messages. One was a birthday text, which I did reply with a thank you. My point is: She was never the girl I thought she was, and the girl she is I do not like a bit. If they contact you after the BU is because of their own selfish motivations. If their life turned out not the way they wanted it to be, of they expected it to be, then they'll be trying to led you around for a while. It's never about you, not one good intention, just selfishness. Dumpers decided to live their lives without you, that was their choice. Their bet was to loose you and find something else, someone better. Don't give her the satisfaction of your companionship or the comfort you give her. She wasn't thinking about you when she disappeared of your life. Move on with your life. 3
Author Nep2112 Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 Thanks all for your replies. They do help. Of course they are thoughts that I have had but didnt want to believe. I think the worst part is remembering all of the good times, trips, fun nights out, etc. They like haunt me. I wish I could get to the point where I am just grateful for the good times w/o feeling this pain. As I mentioned previously the first year after the bu there was no contact, I was hurt, angry and felt betrayed. Since her apologies I no longer feel that way. Which in a way sucks because it was easier to be angry than to be sad. I have asked her to stop contacting me. I leveled with her and told her contact has a different affect on me than it does her. I cant help but hope she still does though. 1
Satu Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Snip *There is no way I can ever move on with my life if she keeps popping up. It is the ultimate catch 22 bc there is nothing more in life that I want than to see her, talk to her, laugh with her but to be able to have any chance of moving on and someday having those feelings again w someone else I felt like I had to cut it off. It sucks. Of course that one voice in my head tells me that she always is the one to reach out to me because I was her great love too. You should go no contact. She's using you. *No direct contact in either direction. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means she might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. 1
Author Nep2112 Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 I have definitely instituted most of those steps. I know that losing a "first love" is really hard and ultimately i am hopeful it will make me stronger and lead to future happiness. It doesnt make me feel any better in the meantime. Every date I have had just goes nowhere and makss me miss her and the connection we had. Has anyone dealt with that before? Trying to be social and "online dating" makes it worse. I am nervous that I am no longer capapble of feeling "love" bc I am so hung up. Im hoping the short term pain and loneliness I feel from cutting off all contact will pay off long term.
Author Nep2112 Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 I have to say I was in the semi NC zone where as I stated before My exgf would text me and I would text her "as friends". It may have been friendly for her but I was treasuring every text and analyzing the text stream after the fact. I have now really embraced NC. I asked her to no longer contact me, erased all previous text history, relegated past pics to the cloud, basically wiped my life clean of any and all connections/memory triggers. It has felt a little freeing, previously her memory and the chance of a text from her was right on the surface. Now I am going above and beyond to embrace Nc and I do feel better about it. All contact did was leave me hanging onto that last bit of hope. Id be lying if I said it wasnt still there but hopefully continued NC will alleviate most of that. Ive learned hope is dangerous when it comes to love!!!
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