h9dlb Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 I don't know if I am being unreasonable here but I have a new girlfriend and although we get along well I feel smothered and I'm getting a bit sick of her. Don't know what to do. We met 2 months ago but I went on holiday for 2 weeks and when I came back she went on holiday for 3 weeks so we had 5 weeks when we were just texting each other. When she came back home I find she is blowing up my phone constantly with texts. I know soon as I switch my phone on in a morning there will be a text from her waiting. If I don't reply because I am busy her texts continue in a one sided conversation even all day when we are both at work. We are both in our mid 40's and she is going through a divorce (although been separated for 2 years). She expects to come round to mine every weekend and is always wanting to know what we are doing the following weekend. She says seeing each other at weekends isn't enough and she's always asking me to come over to hers which I feel uncomfortable at the minute as we've only just physically met in the last 4 weeks and she has a teenage son. But here's what really bugs me. When we are together she is constantly stroking me and kissing me (to the extent I feel like a pet dog!). sometimes I have to go out of the room an make myself busy. I am not used to this at all and I'm not a very tactile person, it's really putting me off. When we're out together she's always on top of me and I feel uncomfortable like she's invading my personal space. I don't know what to say to her as she's a really nice person and I don't want to upset her. Help please !
d0nnivain Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 You two have very different ideas of what it means to be in a relationship. Neither is wrong but your styles are incompatible. If you have any desire to try to change this, you can try talking to her but it probably won't work & she will get upset but you have to tell her. Say you are smothering me. You can't be blowing up my phone. When you are all over me I feel like a pet dog. I like you but I need you to take a step back. Most likely she won't take this well because to her it will feel like rejection but you can't go on like this either. 3
siriusp Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 LOL!!! Your post made me lol..... stroking you like a dog hahahahahaahha....oh no. I really feel for you! oh... I would absolutely hate that! That was the best laugh today! I am sorry.... I would talk to her but as nicely as possible - something along the lines of - I really like you and that is why I am going to say this but I feel a bit smothered and I want to be with you and get to know you but a bit more slowly.... I am not very good with things like this so I'm not sure if my advice is of any good...... I would probably have snapped and run - but that's just me. lol
Winterina Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 You don't have to tell her directly and hurt her. You can just start talking about how people are different and some need more affection and some less, and you are the person that dislikes a lot of affection. Make it a smooth transition into that topic of conversation. She will get a point...should get a point. 1
scooby-philly Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I agree with the previous posters. It sounds like you have different expectations of what a relationship entails. Now, you didn't really give us all the details necessary to make a more in depth response such as how you met, how you've handled any other unpleasant things thus far. She could be coming on too strong as a result of the divorce or from a simple desire to please you - in which case as people suggested dropping hints or getting comfortably around to expressing what you feel may have her back off a bit and give you some breathing space. That said, if it's her true style then it may not work. Keep posting here - we can give better advice as you share more information.
Buddhist Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Stop dating her. You're not in a relationship anyway since you've spent 5 of the past 8 weeks without each others company. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 If the 'dread' of seeing her, outweighs the pleasure it gives you - then sadly, you should stop seeing her. A relationship should fill you with eager anticipation, not uneasy premonition.... If what she says and does is too much pressure, then this is just going to get worse. The more you pull back, the more she will insist. I'm not sure she will be the bunny boiler, but I can see PNP's point. You need to withdraw. Gracefully. And soon. 3
Siquijor Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 If the 'dread' of seeing her, outweighs the pleasure it gives you - then sadly, you should stop seeing her. A relationship should fill you with eager anticipation, not uneasy premonition.... If what she says and does is too much pressure, then this is just going to get worse. The more you pull back, the more she will insist. I'm not sure she will be the bunny boiler, but I can see PNP's point. You need to withdraw. Gracefully. And soon. To the letter. Excellent post!
kendahke Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 You need to just go be by yourself and don't date. You are being completely unreasonable for someone who's put himself into the dating pool. She's not being unreasonable for wanting to spend time with a guy she really likes and showing him affection. That's what dating is about. If she's not working out for you, then you need to end it so she can find a man who welcomes her affection and attention. You ain't the one.
Nemetona Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Why are you with her? What are the positives? Have you banged her yet?
BluEyeL Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Indeed, seeing each other on the weekends is pretty normal when you are in a relationship. I see that you are not there yet emotionally, while she skipped the casual dating stage, where an invitation is issued for once or twice a week dinner/movie type of stuff (not all day in general, or all weekend) and is acting like she is already in an established relationship. I would say tell her you need to go a little slower. But I'm not sure she understands. She just doesn't seem to understand that if you date someone for one month you're not a couple just yet. On the other hand, you have to know that once you ARE in an established relationship, spending weekends and more together is normal. My boyfriend and I spend 5 days a week together at this point, though we started with once a week, which lasted for 2 months, then we increased to twice a week and quickly 3 and 4 and finally 5 times. If you could gently tell her your needs it could work. But if you don't like her all that much anyway, is better to let her go earlier rather than later.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Why are you with her? What are the positives? Have you banged her yet? Why is this of any relevance whatsoever? And if I may say so, what business is it of yours? Whether he has had sex with her yet, is totally besides the point.... 'banged her'...? Could you be any more disrespectful?
blissfool Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Well, I do agree with the above replies, and that you have a few choices right now. 1) Express your feelings nicely 2) Wait for this to blow over 3) End the relationship quickly If you do take either steps, do note that it may not end on good terms because it's a touchy subject after all and not so pleasant. If you drag this long-term, may lead to a more complicated situation, which will be harder to solve! Best of luck! 1
Nemetona Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Why is this of any relevance whatsoever? And if I may say so, what business is it of yours? Whether he has had sex with her yet, is totally besides the point.... 'banged her'...? Could you be any more disrespectful? I think it's relevant. Her excessive touching of him might be because she wants to consummate the relationship ASAP if he's not banged her yet.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I think it's relevant. Her excessive touching of him might be because she wants to consummate the relationship ASAP if he's not banged her yet.Probably not. I think her attention is just too excessive for the Op to deal with comfortably. And using the term 'banged'. Again. Yeah, I see what you did there.
martaldn Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 oh dear.. i wouldnt date her either. sounds too much too soon! you are only seeing her for few weeks I would break up with her if i was you. its clear you are incompatible..
Nemetona Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Probably not. I think her attention is just too excessive for the Op to deal with comfortably. And using the term 'banged'. Again. Yeah, I see what you did there. 'Banged' is not a cuss word or anything. It's not vulgar language.
William Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Moderation has deemed such language to be pejorative to the subject under discussion and suggest members use different and more respectful verbs other than 'bang' to describe sexual relations between humans. Members don't have to comply, but do leave themselves subject to sanction or ban if they don't. For more information, see the announcement at the top of this, or any, forum on our site. Now, with that detail out of the way, back to the discussion.
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