blackcat777 Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 I had a pretty philosophical weekend... and it got me to thinking... what precisely inspires a man to become a father? I love reading about the psychology of commitment, differences between men and women, our biological origins, etc. What psychological drives compel a man to want to be a father? And what sort of things make a man proud to be a father? What makes him want to invest his time, energy, and resources in a family? I do think often about the sense of the most ancient trade between the sexes: a woman, unable to fend for herself, needs a man to protect her life; and a man, unable to procreate on his own, needs a woman to secure legacy/immortality. I know there are tons of oops babies out there... There are men who would run at the first mention of a pregnancy... I've been deathly afraid of having children my whole life, not necessarily because I don't want to, but because I had a screwed up childhood, I've seen the hurt and the pain caused by poverty and broken families... One of my favorite bloggers got me thinking about how upbringing and societal programming negatively impacts women's expectations of men; she said that people need to pay attention to positive examples of the things we want to see and focus our energy there, rather than regurgitating other people's problems. It struck me when I was in line at the grocery store and I saw a young dad with his baby, bragging to all the cashiers about how beautiful the baby's eyes are. It seemed so alien to me... and yet so inspiring at the same time. It made me wonder, what inspires men to want to be an active, present father like that? It also made me realize some ways in which I unconsciously expected very little of men... perhaps to my detriment. I guess for a long time, I never saw myself having children because I had no faith in anyone. And that's also the point the writer was making... that you can't expect to have a good man if parts of you believe that no men are good. So, I'd like to hear it from all the wise men who post here. What makes men want to be fathers? What makes them love their children and want to fight for a family? What makes them want to work so hard to provide everything? Some women seem to have the urge to start a family naturally... but it never felt natural to me because I never wanted to make the mistakes my family made... I never wanted to hurt someone. I never had the biological urge to shoot out babies like pop tarts just because I can. I eventually opened myself to the possibility that maybe, some day, I'd have one, if a huge checklist of things were perfectly in place... And I kind of suspect now love has something to do with it. Anyway, please enlighten me. (No, I'm not pregnant. ) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 (edited) I had a pretty philosophical weekend... and it got me to thinking... what precisely inspires a man to become a father? I love reading about the psychology of commitment, differences between men and women, our biological origins, etc. What psychological drives compel a man to want to be a father? And what sort of things make a man proud to be a father? What makes him want to invest his time, energy, and resources in a family? I do think often about the sense of the most ancient trade between the sexes: a woman, unable to fend for herself, needs a man to protect her life; and a man, unable to procreate on his own, needs a woman to secure legacy/immortality. I know there are tons of oops babies out there... There are men who would run at the first mention of a pregnancy... I've been deathly afraid of having children my whole life, not necessarily because I don't want to, but because I had a screwed up childhood, I've seen the hurt and the pain caused by poverty and broken families... One of my favorite bloggers got me thinking about how upbringing and societal programming negatively impacts women's expectations of men; she said that people need to pay attention to positive examples of the things we want to see and focus our energy there, rather than regurgitating other people's problems. It struck me when I was in line at the grocery store and I saw a young dad with his baby, bragging to all the cashiers about how beautiful the baby's eyes are. It seemed so alien to me... and yet so inspiring at the same time. It made me wonder, what inspires men to want to be an active, present father like that? It also made me realize some ways in which I unconsciously expected very little of men... perhaps to my detriment. I guess for a long time, I never saw myself having children because I had no faith in anyone. And that's also the point the writer was making... that you can't expect to have a good man if parts of you believe that no men are good. So, I'd like to hear it from all the wise men who post here. What makes men want to be fathers? What makes them love their children and want to fight for a family? What makes them want to work so hard to provide everything? Some women seem to have the urge to start a family naturally... but it never felt natural to me because I never wanted to make the mistakes my family made... I never wanted to hurt someone. I never had the biological urge to shoot out babies like pop tarts just because I can. I eventually opened myself to the possibility that maybe, some day, I'd have one, if a huge checklist of things were perfectly in place... And I kind of suspect now love has something to do with it. Anyway, please enlighten me. (No, I'm not pregnant. ) i dont know what makes a guy want to be a father....maybe its always in them to father a child and under the right circumstances with the right woman...it comes out...even if it is to adopt and not be biological...... I have seen a lot of good fathers......when i go out i observe people and notice little things...what i can say makes a good father.......is kindness coupled with firmness of character...a just sense of right and wrong....an ability to learn along with your child........ a caring heart......and ill have to say a certain amount of emotional intelligence....a softness.....a calm spirit....none of these attributes equal weakness...but surely show a god given strength to raise a child in a loving and supportive home.....my grandfather was like this.....he wasnt a push over but he had that caring gentle spirit that didnt suffer loud voices...his voice was always soft but firm......that to me makes the true mark of a man who should father children or raise children eb a guardian to children because that is what we as parents are guardians of growing spirits.........what probably is the most important factor in a guy raising a child i just read this quote this morning...and that quote was what is most important for a father to show....is to show a child a true love for the mother.......all else falls into place with that simple expression.....naturally...deb Edited September 29, 2015 by todreaminblue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 I worked at a nursing home once. What i noticed is the way the elderly people light up when grandchildren come to visit. So at the end of a life, what is it that is most important? Family! I changed my feeling on fatherhood after processing this life lesson which i had the privilege to observe. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 I'd start with the premise that males and females are not really so different, although most people believe they are. I think that's a social construct that people like to keep in place because it's easier to have a ready-made identity, and gender gives a big piece of that. Males want children for the same sorts of reasons that females want children. Sense of purpose, desire to nurture and teach, curiousity, desire for a mini-me, weird idea about "immortality," fitting in, etc. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 Until I became a father, I honestly did not know I wanted to become one. There wasn't a biological need I needed to fill. There was this woman I loved and adored and her desire to save her nieces and nephew from a drug addled and abusive sister, and I stepped up when she asked me to. Then it became about these tiny beings who needed me to protect them, needed me to make them feel safe, teach them,move them and validate them. Being a father made me a better man. Best, Grumps 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 As a female I never had the ticking clock to have a child. It wasn't until I married my husband that I wanted to do something so amazing with him, to share this experience with him. He is such an amazing father and genuinely loves kids, that it is reassuring and exciting. My husband just loves children. His first was a surprise while dating so he didn't have a defined idea that he wanted to have kids at that moment and then started the process but he so enjoyed raising her that they had a couple more. Like others, he enjoys the younger years, loves seeing them grow and learn, and love so freely, and then mourns it a bit when they are older. It gives him a sense of purpose and fulfillment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackcat777 Posted September 29, 2015 Author Share Posted September 29, 2015 Great thoughts, everyone... thank you. It's along the lines of what I was thinking. For the longest time, I was pondering and trying to comprehend what men got out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 I was pondering and trying to comprehend what men got out of it. Somebody to wash the truck. I have to agree with Grumpy; my kids have made me a better man. To the extent I have much in the way of wisdom, patience, and empathy, I owe it to my kids more than any other person in my life. And they're a lot of fun to be around. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 Thanks for opening this thread, I wasn't born into an 'ideal family' either and have been in the no-faith-in-anyone-stage for 3 years and lately this question has floated through my mind too despite no desire for kids. Curious for answers indeed, I think I'll google it too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 Somebody to wash the truck. or cut the grass... I tell my son that all the time.. I have to agree with GBF and GT that being a Dad has made me a better man.. but I will say I had tons of love to give a child and lots of things to pass down.. like my humor and knowledge of useless things... I never happened upon a time that I wanted to be a Dad.. I just knew I wanted to be one one day. Maybe to give someone a life that I never got a chance to have... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 What makes a man want to be a father?? The sudden urge to drain his life savings.work twice as hard as he ever did, give up all his hobbies and passions, etc....Did I forget anything? Ok, kidding, (at least I think I am..lol?)... I don't know really....But I adore my little girl and I'd go to the ends of the Earth for her...That much is certain...Gives me a purpose and something to look forward to...I love being a dad, more than I imagined I would.. TFY 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 I was 25 when my wife got pregnant. What an odd mix of sheer joy and sheer terror. I'm not sure any man (or woman?) is "ready" to be a parent, although some are obviously more ready than others. Like a lot of things, I figured it out as I went along. But boy, what a life change. It hadn't been that long since I was some juvenile delinquent, and now I was responsible for this tiny life. It has a way of hugely changing your perspective on just about everything. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 The sudden urge to drain his life savings.work twice as hard as he ever did, give up all his hobbies and passions, etc....Did I forget anything? Similar effects available for marriage or starting a small business! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Similar effects available for marriage or starting a small business! True! As a business owner I get the double beat down!!! TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveflower Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Great thoughts, everyone... thank you. It's along the lines of what I was thinking. For the longest time, I was pondering and trying to comprehend what men got out of it. I think it's a great feeling to live someone or something else other than yourself. I don't have the experience. I am just theorizing. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 So, I'd like to hear it from all the wise men who post here. What makes men want to be fathers? What makes them love their children and want to fight for a family? What makes them want to work so hard to provide everything? Y'know I knew I wanted kids (and a big family at that) since I was about 13. It never went away. I love kids and when I imagined my future it was feeding the baby, coaching the footie team, and teaching my kid to ride a bike, that I saw. I was 20 years old when my twin lads were born and I chose to sign their birth certificated and raise them as my own. I can't explain the feeling when I held them for the first time, i'm not nearly good enough with words. I always wanted kids, but I guess I always assumed you grew to love them like you do everyone else, but no like they just put them in my arms and I just loved them, unconditionally, from that moment! I'd had all these hopes and dreams for my sons in the weeks leading up to their birth and in that moment none of it mattered! I didn't care if they liked football, or ballet. I didn't care if they'd come climbing with me or want to code software. I'd never wanted anything more than I wanted them to be happy! What makes a man want to fight for his family, sacrifice for them? Same as what makes a mother I guess! I wrote a post here not long after my boys were born while they were still in special care. I felt pretty helpless to protect them at that point but I found myself contemplating how much I could protect them. I made a list: Animals I think I could take out in the name of saving Ronnie & Fraser: - mad axe man (easily) - fox (easily) - stag (easily) - large monkey (easily) - non-fighting dogs (easily) - pack of fighting dogs (might struggle) - cheetah (will definitely struggle and could end up with a lethal injury, but ultimately I predict success) After cheetah, I envision myself, and possibly Ron & Frayz as well, being eaten by: - bear (fur is too thick, although they can be bluffed away in the right circumstances) - lion (let's face it - I'm dinner) - tiger (might also eat my girlfriend and neighbours out of spite, just because it could) - great white shark (no soul, eating machine, skin and fat layer too thick) Maybe a fathers instinct is to protect where a mothers is to nurture?? I changed as a man when I had kids. There these tiny little humans, and all they have to rely on in the world is you. I thought I was a responsible guy but I wasn't, when im out with the kids i'm not the lad I was, I'm alert constantly, i'm watching them, I keep them safe, I feed them, I make them laugh, I pick them up. And if they get scared or hurt, they run back to me. We had out little daughter this year. She stole my heart. There's something pretty incredible when I look at her and see the women I love, see my mum, see myself in her smile .....that's the closest we ever get to immortality! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 **Pffft** If I could only ask my dad this question, cuz he complained about us and was never around/involved with any of his kids - but somehow did not grasp the fact that birth control existed and kept on knocking up women left and right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I know this is aimed at guys but I've never wanted to be a mother. I've never had the maternal urge. I'm 26. People tell me there is still 'time'. I'm open to having them if my feelings change but I don't really want them to. I don't like the idea of being pregnant or giving birth. I find it primitive and horrible. I wouldn't want my body to change or my relationship and I suppose I too unconsciously expect little or men because I largely see women doing all the work (and sometimes raising there partners too!). Link to post Share on other sites
Trane Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 The guys I know who are dads say it's a rewarding feeling to watch their kids do the same crazy fun things they did when they were at that age. Brings back memories of youth. Also, it's an amazing feeling when one of the kids shows unconditional love and seeks advice. Link to post Share on other sites
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