How to reconnect with an ex girlfriend after a month of no contact?

[Jake0516]

I'm curious on how I should break the contact with my ex after being in a month of nc. A little overview was pretty much I was busy working all the time. Barely made anytime for her and thus pushing her away. She said she doesn't feel the same but recently my friends girlfriend texted her (they are friends through me and him) and told her that I missed her. I did not know she did this until his girlfriend sent me screenshots. Pretty much what my ex said is that she misses hanging around me but does not necessarily miss "us" she said that there were double standards and said that I treated her like crap because I worked too much. Which yeah I did work a lot. But ever since I saw that was the main conflict. I stopped working as much. What I'm asking is how do I contact her again and show her that I've changed and the stuff from the past won't happen again? Any help is greatly appreciated rather is positive or negative Oh if anyone wants to know more about anything feel free to ask

[MrReborn]

You don't. Emotions don't work that way. If she wants to get back together with you, let her do it.

[d0nnivain]

At this point all you can do is reach out, tell her you cut your work hours & ask if she wants to try again.

 

She probably doesn't because that ship sailed but at least then you won't be left wondering what if.

 

Going forward, learn to prioritize what's important to you. I'm not saying turn down work hours but do nice things for your SO when you can't be there to show her you care.

[Jake0516]

You don't. Emotions don't work that way. If she wants to get back together with you, let her do it.

So I shouldn't do anything to even try to prove to her that I have learned from my mistakes?

[Jake0516]

At this point all you can do is reach out, tell her you cut your work hours & ask if she wants to try again.

 

She probably doesn't because that ship sailed but at least then you won't be left wondering what if.

 

Going forward, learn to prioritize what's important to you. I'm not saying turn down work hours but do nice things for your SO when you can't be there to show her you care.

If you don't mind me asking what do you mean by the last part?

[d0nnivain]

If you don't mind me asking what do you mean by the last part?

 

I'm a firm believer that you have to work. You need to make money. In this economy if you don't want the hours it's not that hard for your employer to find somebody who does so prioritizing work over a relationship is not an unpardonable sin but you do need to check in with your loved ones. Call her, even when you are tired. Leave her cute little hand written notes in surprising places. Cherish her when you are together. Get her flowers once in a while; they don't have to be expensive -- a $10 bunch from the bodega on the corner is fine but do things, go out of your way -- to make her feel important even when you can't be there because you have other commitments like work.

[Jake0516]

I'm a firm believer that you have to work. You need to make money. In this economy if you don't want the hours it's not that hard for your employer to find somebody who does so prioritizing work over a relationship is not an unpardonable sin but you do need to check in with your loved ones. Call her, even when you are tired. Leave her cute little hand written notes in surprising places. Cherish her when you are together. Get her flowers once in a while; they don't have to be expensive -- a $10 bunch from the bodega on the corner is fine but do things, go out of your way -- to make her feel important even when you can't be there because you have other commitments like work.

I understand and I see that now that we are broken up but idk how to contact her or get her to see what I realize now

[Satu]

The *potential* problem here is that she's changed, and might have decided that she likes being single. I'm not saying that thats how it is, but it might be.

 

I would give it a little more time if I were you.

[Jake0516]

The *potential* problem here is that she's changed, and might have decided that she likes being single. I'm not saying that thats how it is, but it might be.

 

I would give it a little more time if I were you.

How much longer should I wait? And when the time comes how do I reach out and contact her?

[NVO]

I'm a firm believer that you have to work. You need to make money. In this economy if you don't want the hours it's not that hard for your employer to find somebody who does so prioritizing work over a relationship is not an unpardonable sin but you do need to check in with your loved ones. Call her, even when you are tired. Leave her cute little hand written notes in surprising places. Cherish her when you are together. Get her flowers once in a while; they don't have to be expensive -- a $10 bunch from the bodega on the corner is fine but do things, go out of your way -- to make her feel important even when you can't be there because you have other commitments like work.

 

Man, how many things I learned from your wisdom these past months. I'm keeping this post as a screenshot. I've learned the above the hard way friends, keep these wise words in your mind.

[Satu]

How much longer should I wait? And when the time comes how do I reach out and contact her?

 

Those are two very difficult questions.

 

I can only say what I would do...

 

How long?

 

Maybe a couple of weeks. Long enough to refine your thinking a bit more.

 

How to reach out?

 

Tell her that you'd really like to have an honest and respectful talk about each others feelings, and what the options might be for you both.

 

Be prepared to listen to what she says, with an open mind, and an open heart.

 

Let her get everything off her chest.

 

Listen at least twice as much as you talk.

 

Listening is more important than speaking in this situation.

 

When you've done all that listening, tell her what you want in a simple and straightforward way, and don't overstate or repeat it.

 

 

As an aside, I think you are to be commended for the changes you have made.

 

 

Take care.

[Shock148]

I'm curious on how I should break the contact with my ex after being in a month of nc. A little overview was pretty much I was busy working all the time. Barely made anytime for her and thus pushing her away. She said she doesn't feel the same but recently my friends girlfriend texted her (they are friends through me and him) and told her that I missed her. I did not know she did this until his girlfriend sent me screenshots. Pretty much what my ex said is that she misses hanging around me but does not necessarily miss "us" she said that there were double standards and said that I treated her like crap because I worked too much. Which yeah I did work a lot. But ever since I saw that was the main conflict. I stopped working as much. What I'm asking is how do I contact her again and show her that I've changed and the stuff from the past won't happen again? Any help is greatly appreciated rather is positive or negative Oh if anyone wants to know more about anything feel free to ask

Best way is to just contact her yourself. Text her and say that you are really sorry about everything and that you are a different person. That way you look confident by not having your friend or anyone else do it for you and right out of the gate you apologize. If she starts to say things that makes you feel a certain way, remember to refrain from getting into an argument or going back and forth saying yeah well you did this and you did that. Honestly this is the best approach in my eyes. This will serve to also gauge her interest level in you. You will know by her response whether shes interested in something more or just wants to be friends. Only way to find out is to reach out to her yourself.

[Jake0516]

Best way is to just contact her yourself. Text her and say that you are really sorry about everything and that you are a different person. That way you look confident by not having your friend or anyone else do it for you and right out of the gate you apologize. If she starts to say things that makes you feel a certain way, remember to refrain from getting into an argument or going back and forth saying yeah well you did this and you did that. Honestly this is the best approach in my eyes. This will serve to also gauge her interest level in you. You will know by her response whether shes interested in something more or just wants to be friends. Only way to find out is to reach out to her yourself.

Well I called her about 20 mins ago we talked for about 5 mins or so and all I asked was how she was doing and stuff and I got off the phone. Wanted to keep it nice and short

[mightycpa]

Frankly, I wouldn't address the work issue at all. Whatever you say, it will come across as insincere, desperate, untrustworthy or some combination of those things.

 

No dumper believes "I'll Change! I swear!"

 

Try it out in the mirror a couple of times. You'll see what I mean.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Ask her out. Don't say anything about getting back together, don't say anything about cutting down your hours. Just become available. If she ever sees that you've changed, she'll mention it, and then you can say, "well, I thought about what you said and you were right, so I made some changes for myself." that bolded part being the key.

 

Speaking of that, are you really sure you want to work less? There's plenty of fish in the sea, and boys with money in their pockets get the best girls.

[Jake0516]

Frankly, I wouldn't address the work issue at all. Whatever you say, it will come across as insincere, desperate, untrustworthy or some combination of those things.

 

No dumper believes "I'll Change! I swear!"

 

Try it out in the mirror a couple of times. You'll see what I mean.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Ask her out. Don't say anything about getting back together, don't say anything about cutting down your hours. Just become available. If she ever sees that you've changed, she'll mention it, and then you can say, "well, I thought about what you said and you were right, so I made some changes for myself." that bolded part being the key.

 

Speaking of that, are you really sure you want to work less? There's plenty of fish in the sea, and boys with money in their pockets get the best girls.

 

I mean she wasn't with me for my money. That's the thing. Yeah I make good money for my age but I don't want that to attract the girls. Also she has made an huge impact on my life and I don't wanna see that go away just because of work. I should of made more time for her even when I did work a lot. And I haven't told her anout anything. Just trying to reestablish contact and try to go from there and show her I changed. That's all and hopefully she will come around again. And btw thankyou everyone who replied to this. I appreciate it a lot

[louxor]

How to contact her after a month of NC:

 

Step one: You don't contact her.

Step two: Repeat step one.

 

From reading this, you are definitely not over her yet, and contacting her when you are not over her will only lead to more feelings of rejection and sadness when you don't hear what you want to hear. The chances of being rejected again are so high, even if you have changed for the better - why risk placing yourself back at square one emotionally?

 

I've always believed that if the dumper wants to get back with the dumpee, they will contact them, and usually by the time this happens, the dumpee is so over the moon to be free of the dumper that they want nothing to do with them.

 

So my advice, don't waste this month of NC by contacting her (I noticed you already called her, don't do it again).

[singme2sleep]

Who is the dumper?

[theredpill]

You don't. Emotions don't work that way. If she wants to get back together with you, let her do it.

 

Listen to this guy, never, ever reach out... and while you're not talking to her start dating other people, this is the best thing you can do and you might even find someone better.

 

 

Anyone tells you different, they're lying.

[Jake0516]

Who is the dumper?

I guess you can say I was because I told her I gave up when we were fighting and didn't talk to eachother for a week and when I tried to apologize I made it worse and now here I am

[singme2sleep]

You want her back or you just want to talk and see how she is??

[MrReborn]

So I shouldn't do anything to even try to prove to her that I have learned from my mistakes?

 

Yes, and you need to stop and think for a second. You're trying to force things, and that's very unattractive. You shouldn't have to forcefully prove anything to her, as you're seeking approval(last time I checked, this is a thing women do, not men). The best proof that you can give her is to never contact her again, which is learning from your biggest mistake. If you were being insecure, needy, or desperate in the relationship and decided to never contact her again, you'll eventually get off of the "insecure guy list". That's already showing her that you learned from your mistake, but that doesn't guarantee that she wants to get back with you.

[Jake0516]

You want her back or you just want to talk and see how she is??

I mean I want her back but it's been a month and a half since we broke up. Didn't want to just jump and say hey wanna get back together ya know? Trying to start fresh in way because she was pretty upset and hurt when we broke it off

[Jake0516]

You want her back or you just want to talk and see how she is??

 

Yes, and you need to stop and think for a second. You're trying to force things, and that's very unattractive. You shouldn't have to forcefully prove anything to her, as you're seeking approval(last time I checked, this is a thing women do, not men). The best proof that you can give her is to never contact her again, which is learning from your biggest mistake. If you were being insecure, needy, or desperate in the relationship and decided to never contact her again, you'll eventually get off of the "insecure guy list". That's already showing her that you learned from your mistake, but that doesn't guarantee that she wants to get back with you.

Not necessarily trying to force anything. I tried for a week right after we broke up and even then I didn't really try all that hard. So I didn't come off as desperate or anything. The entire reason we broke up is because I didn't try to hard with us while we were together so I'm trying to prove to her that things have changed since we haven't talked

[d0nnivain]

If you want her back you have to talk to her & tell her that. Communication is the key to reconciliation. The longer you wait the more it reinforces in her head that she wasn't worth it to you to fight for her. It may already be too late.

 

 

You also can't say that you have changed. You have to show her that you changed.

 

 

She may have no interest in getting back together & you will have to accept that but if you try, even if she says no, at least you have an answer & you can move forward in life, with or without her.

 

 

NC in contrast is all about healing & moving on without the other person.

[MrReborn]

I disagree with d0nnivain's first paragraph as that rarely works. Trust me when I say this, don't contact her when it comes to getting back together. Let her contact you and bring you back into her life. She pushed you out of her life. I don't care if you became Superman, your time is valuable and she should work to get you back, even if you changed drastically. If she contacts you, just setup a fun date and keep doing what you were doing when you first met. She'll hint at getting back together, you shouldn't have to say a word about a relationship. At the end of the day, women chose who they want, not guys. Stop limiting yourself to one woman and date others. You said she broke up with you because you didn't try hard enough. Logically speaking, she should get back together with you because you have changed. Emotionally however, she lost feelings for you, and you can't logically get her to have feelings for you. You have to show her what life is like without you, and act accordingly when she reaches out. No contact is about self healing, so don't use it as a means to get her back.