Am I having an emotional affair?

[Mrs. John Adams]

We have another case of arguing and not listening

 

And I cannot for life of me figure out why we have several of this same kind of scenario going on..

 

I am frustrated

 

If you already know the answers and you already have your mind made up

 

Why ask?

 

Do you want validation? Are you bored? I don't get it. You go on other threads and offer advice but you don't listen to those who have taken the time to share with you on your own thread.

 

What is it you want?

[MightyPen]

Actually, I have "liked" many posts that scolded me. I liked them because they were well-articulated and gave me something to think about. They weren't just character attacks.

 

 

And I have listened. Everyone has convinced me of these things:

 

 

1) I need individual counseling. I'm going to make some phone calls at lunch.

 

 

2) Through counseling, I need to decide what I want out of my marriage and life in general.

 

 

3) I need to communicate my conclusions to my wife.

 

 

Regarding the other woman, she's not the reason for me realizing my unhappiness. Now, she might be the reason I'm here NOW, because when I suggested our break, I wanted to do some deep thinking about things, but I've been unhappy for a while.

 

 

This is NOT a situation where I'm trying to leave my marriage to "be with her." I'm never going to do that. If I left my marriage, I'd do it for myself, and ultimately for my wife, as she doesn't deserve to be tied to someone unhappy with the relationship.

 

 

*and the only other "advice" I gave ANYONE was on a thread where the OP said his wife sexted and blew a guy, was "remorseful," and then went right back to sexting and deleting her messages. And all I did was summarize the facts in one sentence to better help the OP focus like a laser on her behavior. I know I'm not in a position to be giving substantive advice to others right now.

Edited September 30, 2015 by MightyPen

[MightyPen]

And I'm certainly not bored. I've spent WAY to much time on here this week, and my work productivity has suffered, but I justified it by thinking about how important these issues are to me. I can't get on the forums at home, and I can't talk to anyone in "real life" candidly for obvious reasons.

 

 

I know this isn't a substitute for therapy but I still felt it would be helpful to get me moving towards some sort of resolution. Counseling needs to be my next step.

[Bittersweetie]

The problem here? This is your issue, there is something about YOU that you are unhappy about. Your wife was unable to fill that void. This OW would never be able to fill that void. Stop looking for external ways to fill an internal void. As my father would say stop chasing unhappiness.

 

I just want to piggyback on DKT3's post, and suggest this as a topic for IC: where you find your happiness from.

 

One of the (many) reasons I participated in an A was that I expected my happiness to come externally. A job, my house, etc. Mainly, I thought it was my husband's job to make me happy. And he wasn't, so I looked elsewhere.

 

I learned that the only person who can provide my happiness is ME. It's in how I appreciate the things I have, how I look at my life, how I make choices in life. My husband enhances my happiness. But I am in a MUCH better place now having changed my way of thinking. Am I happy all the time? Of course not. That's life and I have a 3-year-old who is in the whining phase. But that's just it...I see things now as a phase, a season. And if it's more than that, then I start thinking (and talking with my H) on how to make a concrete change.

 

Just a (long) thought.

[MightyPen]

I'm done with this thread.

 

 

Some of you seem like wonderful people, but there are obviously many bitter people who seem to take pleasure in bashing others.

 

 

If anyone who's been helpful wants to PM me, that would be great but I'm done with the public discussion.

 

EDIT: Nevermind. I'm not "established" so I can't even get PMs.

Edited September 30, 2015 by MightyPen

[truncated]

Ii'm not sure if you said so or not, but how did you start chatting with this ow online in the first place?

 

I know you don't see it, but with the way you have told your story, something just doesn't add up, and maybe your answers to these questions can help.

 

- how were you feeling about your marriage when you first started chatting with the ow? Were you looking for something you felt was missing, or were you just sort of browsing online and "met" someone on a forum, game or social media?

 

- how much time out of your day is spent chatting with her? Id it taking time away from being with your kids and your wife?

 

- how do you explain spending the time that you spend online/ on the phone to your wife? What does she think you are doing?

[autumnnight]

Actually, I have "liked" many posts that scolded me. I liked them because they were well-articulated and gave me something to think about. They weren't just character attacks.

 

 

And I have listened. Everyone has convinced me of these things:

 

 

1) I need individual counseling. I'm going to make some phone calls at lunch.

 

 

2) Through counseling, I need to decide what I want out of my marriage and life in general.

 

 

3) I need to communicate my conclusions to my wife.

 

 

Regarding the other woman, she's not the reason for me realizing my unhappiness. Now, she might be the reason I'm here NOW, because when I suggested our break, I wanted to do some deep thinking about things, but I've been unhappy for a while.

 

 

This is NOT a situation where I'm trying to leave my marriage to "be with her." I'm never going to do that. If I left my marriage, I'd do it for myself, and ultimately for my wife, as she doesn't deserve to be tied to someone unhappy with the relationship.

 

 

*and the only other "advice" I gave ANYONE was on a thread where the OP said his wife sexted and blew a guy, was "remorseful," and then went right back to sexting and deleting her messages. And all I did was summarize the facts in one sentence to better help the OP focus like a laser on her behavior. I know I'm not in a position to be giving substantive advice to others right now.

 

Every one of the things you listed are all about you, how you feel, and what you want.

 

I have yet to see you express real concern or care for your pregnant wife This is a problem.

[RightThere]

Last night, I thought a lot about marriage, and our expectations about it and how I think they are unrealistic and unnatural.

 

 

I'll come out and say that I think it's foolish to think a person can't legitimately love two (or more) people at the same time. I don't know if the idea spawns from religious stuff (probably not, as men had multiple wives back then), or what, but our brains and hearts don't have some arbitrary capacity for feelings.

 

 

So I'm not going to feel like a horrible person because I have romantic feelings for another human being. It's probably even natural to have feelings like that. Now I recognize I built my own situation, got married, had kids, so I don't have carte blanche to act however I want, but that's the logistical side of things. On the fundamental level, people can love many other people, and hell to take it further, biologically humans aren't even designed to be monogamous for 30, 40, or 50 years, so I understand why physical affairs take place as well.

 

 

I think our divorce rates support my position. Actually, I know they do.

 

 

Still, "the thing" to do for most people is to get married. I never even questioned "if" I would get married and have kids, as it was the "normal" thing to do. One day I'll have a long talk with my kids about their options in life and that they don't have to take the path many others take.

 

 

Sorry for the diatribe. I get going like this once in a while.

 

Although I know exactly what is going on, I'll entertain your thought process that monogamy isn't natural.

 

If that in fact is what you believe, then why are you married, lying to your wife, and sneaking around with your OW?

 

If you want to be in a non-monogamous relationship, then why don't you own it and be honest with everyone about it?

 

And don't give us some "society doesn't accept it" stuff because I think you know that is just another excuse to continue doing what you are doing in the dark.

[RightThere]

I'm done with this thread.

 

 

Some of you seem like wonderful people, but there are obviously many bitter people who seem to take pleasure in bashing others.

 

 

If anyone who's been helpful wants to PM me, that would be great but I'm done with the public discussion.

 

EDIT: Nevermind. I'm not "established" so I can't even get PMs.

 

If you're just taking your ball and going home, that is definitely your choice. But as for getting your questions answered, I think the "Is this an emotional affair" question was just the surface one.

 

Really you're looking for support to continue what you are doing. You won't leave your wife (who I assume wants a monogamous relationship) and you won't stop having an inappropriate relationship with other women.

 

What I would guess you want is to be able to leave your wife, still have a working relationship with her, but still get satisfaction from seeing other women. And that is all within your own power to do so.

[SummerDreams]

His wife is not pregnant.

 

OP if you feel you are being attacked or offended, you can use the "alert us" button so the mods take the actions they consider necessary. We are certainly not here to point the finger to anyone for their choices.

 

Other than that I do agree with the things you consider your next steps and I am happy (contrary to other posters) that you put your own well being and happiness first. You can't make anyone happy unless you are happy yourself. Don't stop posting. There are people who want to help you go through this tough period of your life.

[William]

Got a report on this thread from an interested reader and read enough of it to deem it worthy of a more in-depth look by moderation. At over 100 posts, the thread starter has received enough discussion and input to last them through that look.