Am I having an emotional affair?

[Mrs. John Adams]

My opinion is this... Anything you do behind your spouses back is cheating. Talking on the computer or phone about personal matters, touching inappropriately, text messaging anything that is not business related,...all not shared with a spouse is cheating.

 

You have crossed a line....

In doubt? Ask your spouse? Or better yet... How would you feel knowing your spouse was having the same kind of conversations?

 

If you are unhappy you owe it to your spouse to tell them. If they want to try to save the relationship.. Then you should be willing to try.

 

If they feel the same way... Then call it quits.

 

But this relationship is based on mutual feelings and nothing gives you the rights to make decisions for the other person.

[purplesorrow]

I didn't mean to imply in any way that I was "all that and a bag of chips." I don't think I'm that great of a catch or anything. I'm not sure what I said to make you infer that. I've thought of myself as a shlubly husband/dad for many years, so honestly my self-esteem is not all that high. I guess that's another element of this. I'm flattered that this woman finds me interesting.

 

 

And I just meant that if one partner is unhappy, you might assume that the other partner was probably unhappy on some level as well.

 

 

To you and everyone else who posted today, I do appreciate your comments. Sometimes some tough love is needed. I'll likely gather my thoughts tonight and post again tomorrow morning. I won't be around until then.

 

You said you didn't think she was unhappy, bored or unsatisfied. She could be. The thing is, only boring people are bored. Spend your time working on yourself so you won't feel like a teenage boy because some woman says you're cute.

[ShatteredLady]

A couple of years ago I met a lovely woman online. Within weeks we were chatting everyday...it's only recently that we started to 'miss days'. For 2 years it was everyday!! We've become very close & she's an important part of my life. Like its been said here...No one person can be EVERYTHING for another. My partner has no interest at all in our shared hobbies. We have the same chronic pain condition etc. She does 'fill holes' in my relationship.

 

After such a long time we became very curious & arranged to meet. I flew too California to be with her. We were great together! It made our relationship even stronger.

 

The difference is IT'S INNOCENT!! My HUSBAND (I'm completely straight NOT bi) knows all about our friendship. He's met her! Our families vacationed together. That's what I meant by we met!! Our families are now friends!! Her husband & my husband are friends!

 

If you need intellectual stimulation there are thousands of forums. There are countless 'intellectual' men you could be friends with.

 

This is an AFFAIR. You talk sex, you share sexual images....it's WORSE than just sex! You're obsessed! You're neck high in an emotional & sexual affair. It will destroy your family & break many hearts. Your W & CHILDREN will never be the same!

 

Would you show your wife ALL of your correspondence? If "no!" this is damaging your marriage & hurting your children. You clearly fantasize about this woman, physically & mentally. That is wrecking havock with your relationship if you know it or not.

 

When someone is deep in an affair it not only steals (thought, time, love, focus etc) from your family, it changes YOU & the dynamic between you & your W. You will start to resent & get negative with your W (you already are!) because she ISN'T THE OW!!

 

Please, PLEASE ignore all of the 'self discovery' & 'revelations' you've had since starting this affair. It's called the affair fog & you're talking bollocks!!

 

So...if you could turn back time you wouldn't of married your wife? You wouldn't of had your children? You wouldn't have your family? If you felt this way BEFORE you started your affair or if you break ALL contact with the OW for a year & still feel the same way (After trying to fix your M by putting in the effort you've been putting into your affair) then divorce. Work on yourself & be single.

 

Be HONEST! Read my threads if you like. My H had an EA & it's nearly killed me! I know our situation is different but betrayal, pain, devastation & loss is common to human beings. I promise you, "He never stuck his dick in her" doesn't help with the agony.

 

If your honest feeling is that you wouldn't care if your wife was doing this you are DEEPLY in the fog....or you need to divorce, be truthful & let your wife find a new life with a man who will love & respect her. She will probably feel like me for a long time. The last thing I want after being betrayed like this is to be emotionally vulnerable with anyone else, ever!! It's BROKEN me!

[RightThere]

This will make me sound horrible, but if she had/has some secret thing on the side, I'd be okay with just having my head buried in the sand as long as there was no physical/possible disease element to it. I couldn't really criticize if she wanted some fantasy/wish fulfillment.

 

Trust me. You'd be OK with your wife having something on the side only because it would alleviate your guilt about having something on the side.

 

And the "we have kids" argument about why you don't want to be open and honest with your wife is total bunk. Worst case, you actually do get divorced, co-parent, and figure it out. The doomsday of everything falling apart is just an excuse so you can continue doing what you are doing in the dark without consequences.

 

It may not be affecting your wife yet, but it's only a matter of time. You are selfishly putting your relationship efforts elsewhere, so your current marriage will fail. You will passive-aggressively distance yourself further and further away from your wife so if/when she decides to leave, you won't feel like it was your fault because she finally pulled the plug.

[Satu]

I'm not miserable. Just unhappy, bored and unsatisfied. And the thing is, I don't think she is any of those things (I could be wrong). I sometimes wonder, "Can things REALLY be that unbalanced? I'm unhappy but she seems fine? Does my unhappiness mean that she's most likely unhappy too?"

 

 

Okay sure, if I had a magic wand, we'd be divorced but civil, co-parent our kids, and I'd have more freedom. She would too. But I don't have a magic wand, it would be a huge messy divorce, it would kill our ability to save for the kids' college, and so to the folks suggesting that I should "tell her" about this situation, I just say no way. *It doesn't make sense to do that.

 

It doesn't make sense to you, because you think that living a lie is an acceptable option.

 

Apart from that, it makes total sense.

[Lion Heart]

"Mighty" pen.

 

You are having more than an Emotional Affair.

You are having an online Affair.

Talking about SEX? Yeah there's your answer.

Hiding this? Yeah. There's your answer.

Want it to continue? Completely "an affair".

 

You are in the "Affair Fog" where you're hiding this relationship and imho being unfaithful to your wife.

 

You know it.

 

Your wife and this other blokes "long term partner" (ever wonder why he hasn't married her? He knows her better than you right?) Your Betrayed partners MIGHT freak but they also might freak and say what I've said to my WH.

THANK *!@$ YOU TOLD ME. You've been driving me insane with your "working on the computer" till all hours, not "engaging" in real time with your REAL family etc etc. I had NO IDEA where my husband went! Now I know. My WH was mind-***ing me just as you and your AP are doing to your "faithful" partners.

 

What are you afraid of? Tell her.

She might come right back and say what I said within a month of my first D Day "let's have an open marriage but I get a 5 year headstart since you didn't inform me that YOU were in an open marriage". You can stay together. You can save for the college fund. Everyone will be "happy", right? Nup. My WH doesn't WANT me to be with anyone else. Little unfair? Completely unfair.

 

The thing is I NEVER EXPECTED my husband to "meet all my needs" on any level. I wanted to SHARE my life with him, raise our children together and live by the fidelity vow.

 

I don't need him to match me "intellectually", financially, or in any other way but morally TBH. I've gotten what I needed (and didn't get from him) in safe relationships with members of my own gender (since I'm not bi or homosexual), within my family etc. What a notion to think that ANYONE could meet ALL of anyone's needs. It's immature.

 

You THINK you are being a "good husband" to her face but you're not because you ARE IN AN AFFAIR.

 

You THINK you're being a "great dad" but that's simply not true. You're not

 

There's a lot more I'd like to say but suffice to say "wake up man! You're driving your train directly towards a train wreck". Substitute "train" with wife and kids.

 

Yeah it'll impact you too.

Lion Heart

[ShatteredLady]

Quote "If it wasn't for the kids, I would probably be inclined to talk about my unhappiness, but as you all know, the kids change everything. So I guess I'm just using this relationship as a sort of band aid to make me happier and meet an important need without destroying our lives and filing for divorce."

 

Talk about your unhappiness!!! That's what grown-ups in relationships do!! That's how you fix things.

 

I bet your wife already feels the distance growing between you. My H is a professional computer geek...I still found 'evidence' very fast & then got help to delve deeper. I actually vomited when I read some of their messages

 

This will destroy lives far more than an honest, fair divorce. You will forever be the 'Bad Guy' because you cheated! Your kids won't spend the rest of their lives knowing that Mom & Dad were unhappy, did everything they could to fix their M but decided they would be happier apart. They will KNOW that daddy got bored & chased another woman for his gratification. Texting was more important than FAMILY to their father! They will watch mummy crying & becoming a broken, shattered lady questioning why a stranger on the computer was better than her, was worth throwing it all away for.

 

I know that when I was celebrating my birthday with my babies my H was writing to her. I know that he sent her countless gifts including Mothers Day flowers telling her she was "The BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD!". I know he was sexually fantasizing about her. He did watch our children open their Christmas gifts but he didn't really watch them play...Hell! He didn't even know what half their grits were...he was too busy buying gifts for her & her kids & writing to her.

 

My heart was ripped out at the worst time in my life. I'm now a fragile, shattered, broken shell of my former self. My past, my present & my future are forever marred. He stole my love story. He stole my security & safety when I needed it most.

 

I know I sound very bitter & hurt. That's intentional!! It's just a tiny glimpse of how your wife will be feeling. I know it doesn't matter much to you now. You're too far in to really care about your W but chances are, in the future, you will come to your senses & you'll be trying to put this right. When you're crying & begging for forgiveness know that in the back of her mind she is questioning everything...her self-worth AND YOUR WORTH! You will be judged & found lacking in so many ways.

[Satu]

This is my last post on this thread:

 

In relationships, if you haven't got honesty, you've got nothing.

 

 

Take care, and choose wisely.

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "I've thought of myself as a shlubly husband/dad for many years, so honestly my self-esteem is not all that high."

 

So....you've known you're failing in the most important relationships in your life but you don't have what it takes to work on yourself as a H, father & human being?

You've already said that you don't talk to your W about your feelings. Are you always this passive in every aspect of your life?

GREAT relationships that endure the test of time don't just happen by magic. If you had a magic wand why not use it to improve the man you are rather than just wishing for an easy divorce?

 

I bet your wife isn't a mind reader!! TALK to her. That's how relationships work. Or you can just keep quiet, look outside of your relationships every time the going gets tough.

 

Be the best Dad you can be! Time goes too fast. Don't just sit around getting depressed & low self esteme about it. They didn't ask to be born. Maybe you can find some online kids to father to make you feel better about that

 

 

"I guess that's another element of this. I'm flattered that this woman finds me interesting."

 

Hahaha! It's so much easier to be interesting to a complete stranger on the Internet isn't it? I bet you're a red hot lover too!!

[pteromom]

Do you really think any spouse can meet ALL of his/her spouses needs? I've yet to meet that person.

 

No. That's why I said needs that SHOULD be met inside a relationship. Sex, romance, intimacy.

 

 

My spouse has many great qualities, but she can't give me the intellectual stimulation I've been craving. I should have realized how high on my priority list this was many years ago, but I guess I didn't realize it at the time. That's 100% on me.

 

And it is fine to have FRIENDS who meet the need for intellectual stimulation. The key is these should be friends who aren't hidden from your wife, and you shouldn't be discussing your wife and the shortcomings in your marriage with them.

 

Also, it is smart to make these MALE friends or friends you have no attraction to. Because if you choose women you are attracted to as friends, soon you are on LS asking if you are having an affair.

[pteromom]

Another option is to discuss alternative marriages with your wife, assuming she is on the same page you are as far as wanting to stay together for financial and parenting reasons.

 

Maybe she would be open to an open marriage, or even a family marriage, where you are no longer together but continue to live together and co-parent.

 

If you are unhappy though, you need to go talk to her, not just go behind her back.

[66Charger]

I didn't mean to imply in any way that I was "all that and a bag of chips." I don't think I'm that great of a catch or anything. .

 

Thats because you are not.

 

Mighty pen? Delusional. You are simply nothing but another cheater, that bags on his wife. Never should have married her. Staying for the kids. The OW fills your "needs" blah blah blah

 

Your sir, are nothing but a coward. You enjoy the company of another woman and flippantly say you wouldnt mind if your wife did the same. BUT NO TOUCHING!!.

 

Wait a second! You dont love her. You dont even want to be married to her. How dare you write the rules for her life, while SEXTING ANOTHER WOMAN.

 

Let me guess, all this is big talk. You dont dare tell your wife because she just may be cool with it and change the rules.and.find a "Man"

 

That's should be ok right? You want to divorce her anyway (but for the kids) The OW is your dream girl.

She is the intellectual and YOUR WIFE IS STUPID. Thats what you are telling us.

 

Take the gamble O Mighty one. Find something called courage and tell your wife the truth. But stop this lie about pitting the toothepaste back in the tube.

Edited September 29, 2015 by 66Charger

[Mr. Lucky]

Have you thought about how this:

 

For almost a year, I've been having an online "relationship" with a woman and it's become progressively more serious and more intimate and more important to me.

 

Yes, we talk about sex some, share fantasies, share links to erotica, etc., but 90% of our talks are just about our lives, experiences, opinions, plans and ambitions, etc. Just getting to know each other on a very personal level.

 

Might be related to this:

 

Do I still want to be married to her? To be honest, I'm not sure.

 

Marriage is work and successful long-term matrimony requires effort from both partners over the course of many years. You're doing your wife a double disservice in both spending that energy elsewhere and down-grading her to, in your mind, justify what your doing.

 

Your life, your marriage, your future - all will be what you make of them. Right now you've made them second place...

 

Mr. Lucky

[waterwoman]

To answer your question, no, it won't happen. Even if you resist the impulse to talk about sex, to flirt etc, you will still have sexual thoughts about her and vice versa. To stop having a sexual affair, end the affair.

 

Please stop assuming your wife is too stupid to notice the failings in your marriage. I'd be prepared to bet she does. Especially if you've been a poor husband for many years. Let me tell you about our marriage prior to H's affair. Until DS2 was born in 2003 I would say we had a good marriage - very good - H was always a little bit lazy around the house and could be a little selfish but he was fundamentally a decent guy, a loving husband and an involved father. DS2 was unplanned and a surprise to both of us. Even more of a surprise was his autism which wasn't diagnosed until recently but which made him quite difficult at times even as a very small child. H decided it was all too much, he didn't get enough of my time and attention and home life was too stressful - poor lamb So he spent more and more time out with his friends - after a time it was most evenings a week. I got fed up of telling him I was unhappy about this, how I hated being the f***ing skivvy in the household, of being the one who held it all together, or being near enough a single parent, and simply decided, regardless of him, to make the best of it and became the best mother I could be. I also started running more and took up photography. I lived my life with no regard to him in sheer self-defence. If H bothered to check he would have assumed that I was happy - just as you do with your wife - but if he'd actually asked me I'd have said that no, I wasn't, but that for the time being I was making the best of it and that I was fairly close to wanting to end the marriage. Then, to top it off, the selfish moron decided to start an affair. Stellar decision making!

 

So don't be so quick to arrogantly and complacently assume your wife is happy.

 

What to do? One of two choices:

 

1. Put your 'mighty pen' back in our trousers and end it with Miss Compatible. Stop talking to her and TALK to your wife. Tell her your concerns and be prepared to hear hers in response. Put 100% into making your marriage better. If it fails so be it.

 

2. Tell your wife you want a divorce. Be as fair as possible. Then do whatever your want with regard to the OW but at least then there are no restrictions on your part at least.

 

The one thing you shouldn't do is what you are trying to do now.

[MightyPen]

"Mighty" pen.

 

You are having more than an Emotional Affair.

You are having an online Affair.

Talking about SEX? Yeah there's your answer.

Hiding this? Yeah. There's your answer.

Want it to continue? Completely "an affair".

 

You are in the "Affair Fog" where you're hiding this relationship and imho being unfaithful to your wife.

 

You know it.

 

Your wife and this other blokes "long term partner" (ever wonder why he hasn't married her? He knows her better than you right?) Your Betrayed partners MIGHT freak but they also might freak and say what I've said to my WH.

THANK *!@$ YOU TOLD ME. You've been driving me insane with your "working on the computer" till all hours, not "engaging" in real time with your REAL family etc etc. I had NO IDEA where my husband went! Now I know. My WH was mind-***ing me just as you and your AP are doing to your "faithful" partners.

 

What are you afraid of? Tell her.

She might come right back and say what I said within a month of my first D Day "let's have an open marriage but I get a 5 year headstart since you didn't inform me that YOU were in an open marriage". You can stay together. You can save for the college fund. Everyone will be "happy", right? Nup. My WH doesn't WANT me to be with anyone else. Little unfair? Completely unfair.

 

The thing is I NEVER EXPECTED my husband to "meet all my needs" on any level. I wanted to SHARE my life with him, raise our children together and live by the fidelity vow.

 

I don't need him to match me "intellectually", financially, or in any other way but morally TBH. I've gotten what I needed (and didn't get from him) in safe relationships with members of my own gender (since I'm not bi or homosexual), within my family etc. What a notion to think that ANYONE could meet ALL of anyone's needs. It's immature.

 

You THINK you are being a "good husband" to her face but you're not because you ARE IN AN AFFAIR.

 

You THINK you're being a "great dad" but that's simply not true. You're not

 

There's a lot more I'd like to say but suffice to say "wake up man! You're driving your train directly towards a train wreck". Substitute "train" with wife and kids.

 

Yeah it'll impact you too.

Lion Heart

 

May I ask how it turned out with your husband? Are you still together? Did you all go forward with the open marriage idea?

[MightyPen]

Also, it is smart to make these MALE friends or friends you have no attraction to. Because if you choose women you are attracted to as friends, soon you are on LS asking if you are having an affair.

 

 

Touche.

 

 

I've been asking a couple of my buddies that don't run in our normal circles about the whole "can men and women be friends?" thing and they pretty much said they can be "friendly acquaintances" but not really friends, because "friends" are people you appreciate on many levels, and let's face it, if you truly find a woman funny, smart, and charming and even a little bit sexy, and end up having personal conversations with her or spending quality time with her, many guys (myself included) are probably going to start fantasizing about her.

[MightyPen]

I've been reading the posts from folks that signed on after I left last night. Again, I appreciate all the feedback. And I'm sincere about that. No one put a gun to my head and forced me to create this account and post my post. I know my current situation is unsustainable.

 

 

I am ignoring a couple of posts that might violate forum rules (I didn't think we were allowed to call each other names, for example). To those posters, if your goal for the day was to bash a stranger for fessing up to his missteps, congratulations, you got your digs in. I hope you feel great about it.

 

 

I haven't spoken with her since Friday and I'm missing her terribly. I know this isn't an intervention or anything, but I think it would help me if I posted here daily for a while, either in this thread or elsewhere on the boards. You know what they say about getting rid of an addiction or obsession - find a new one! Well, perhaps for a few days at least, posting here can be my obsession.

 

 

I still think about her constantly. I've denied it to myself for some time, but I recognize that I pretty much fell in love with her late this summer, and I've been trying to recover from that - dig myself out of that abyss.

 

 

And the past year has been almost perfect (for us) and a huge part of me is trying to do most are suggesting - ending it. But I'm afraid I would be ending it for the wrong reasons - that I'd be mostly focused on wrapping up the relationship in a nice little knot and having a perfectly happy memory of the whole thing with nothing to tarnish it. No nasty breakup or hurtful words; just a mutual recognition that it would be healthier for both of us to turn our respective focuses back to our normal lives and partners. I've already told her that I'm going to remember our talks for the rest of my life. And I will, regardless of what the future holds.

 

 

Right now, I'm just plodding ahead one day at a time. I do think that if I decide to end things entirely with her, that I owe it to her to have one more talk and let her know about the decision. She's a human being (one of my favorite human beings on the planet) and I could never just up and disappear on her.

[Furious]

I guess the fact that I'm posting here somewhat answers the question in my mind, but it still seems like a slippery concept. For almost a year, I've been having an online "relationship" with a woman and it's become progressively more serious and more intimate and more important to me.

 

Yes, we talk about sex some, share fantasies, share links to erotica, etc., but 90% of our talks are just about our lives, experiences, opinions, plans and ambitions, etc. Just getting to know each other on a very personal level. I guess this is the definition of an emotional affair?

 

For a time, we eliminated the sexy parts, but that transition only lasted for about a month. We're both sexually attracted to one another, but we're both in relationships (I'm married, and she's in a long-term relationship) and we're not looking to meet in real life or ruin anyone's life. I guess we like the "have your cake and eat it too" of this situation. We've both professed our desire to keep this going and to become long-term parts of each other's lives, even if it has to continue being in secret (secret email accounts, chats, phone calls, etc.)

 

Has anyone crossed the line with someone in a situation like this and then "uncrossed" it so that it could continue in a healthier and more sustainable way? I find her fascinating in every way, and I can honestly say her friendship has made me a happier person. I know we are never going to "be together," and I think eventually I could try to think of her in a nonsexual way, although admittedly it would be very hard.

 

Your thread tittle "Am I having an emotional affair?" seems to be a passive aggressive sugar coating question. You are cheating, but "cheating" sounds harsh and crude whereas "emotional affair" is a gentler appeasement that conjures romance.

 

Behind your computer keyboard, both you and the ow, who is also cheating on her long term partner, can become who you want to be in the comfort of your own homes. Is it real?....it's a real as the limitations and deceit allows, and the emphasis that you're just friends, secret friends, with occasional sexual sharing and sexual fantasy, and the trivial attempt to maintain a plutonic friendship is the not uncommon amongst cheaters who must first delude themselves in order to extend the line in the sand.

 

I can see the the attraction to having your ego feed, to becoming addicted to this secret "friendship" and the distraction from reality it provides.

 

The downer is reality, the marriage, the kids, the bills, the averageness of oneself in the scheme of life.

 

Cheating is exciting, cheating is a short cut and refusal to deal the here and now. Much easier to cheat than to face and challenge what is your life.

 

Most people who cheat, think their situation is unique, the feelings they feel are unique. That's the hook.

 

Between the lines of your post you are shrewd enough to lie and hide your secret "friendship" from your wife, you are no victim.

[Popsicle]

Given that you've never met and never intend to (I believe you), Is this cheating? Would be curious to hear more husbands (males) answer to this.

 

Is this threatening to your marriage, if you never meet her? Many guys think that if you never have sex that it's not cheating. You can even hide behind "but it wasn't even real, it was just online! Was just a bit of fun!" But, yeah, you're definitely doing things with her that you should be doing with your wife instead and not with another woman.

 

If you don't want to divorce for whatever reason, then stop this.

Edited September 29, 2015 by Popsicle

[stillafool]

Do you really think any spouse can meet ALL of his/her spouses needs? I've yet to meet that person.

 

 

My spouse has many great qualities, but she can't give me the intellectual stimulation I've been craving. I should have realized how high on my priority list this was many years ago, but I guess I didn't realize it at the time. That's 100% on me.

 

A male friend can give you intellectual stimulation, why does it have to be a woman?

[MightyPen]

Your thread tittle "Am I having an emotional affair?" seems to be a passive aggressive sugar coating question. You are cheating, but "cheating" sounds harsh and crude whereas "emotional affair" is a gentler appeasement that conjures romance.

 

 

You said a lot of things that hit home, especially this one. Yes, we've both treated this in a very "forbidden romance" type of way. I'm not starved for sex - neither is she. But having a very intense, "brain/heart" connection with someone is a very powerful thing (at least for me).

[MightyPen]

If you don't want to divorce for whatever reason, then stop this.

 

 

We are currently taking a break from each other to give us time to reevaluate things. It was my idea. It's killing me not talking with her but I'm trying to be strong. I value her so much as a person it's ridiculous.

[Popsicle]

I'm not miserable. Just unhappy, bored and unsatisfied. And the thing is, I don't think she is any of those things (I could be wrong). I sometimes wonder, "Can things REALLY be that unbalanced? I'm unhappy but she seems fine? Does my unhappiness mean that she's most likely unhappy too?"

.

 

A lot of people are bored in marriage.

 

"Marriage is some boring axs shvt!" -Chris Rock.

 

That's life.

[Popsicle]

We are currently taking a break from each other to give us time to reevaluate things. It was my idea. It's killing me not talking with her but I'm trying to be strong. I value her so much as a person it's ridiculous.

 

Taking a break is good. And as a fOW, I will say that it's kinder to do it this way, and to STICK to it.

[Furious]

We are currently taking a break from each other to give us time to reevaluate things. It was my idea. It's killing me not talking with her but I'm trying to be strong. I value her so much as a person it's ridiculous.

 

If your son or daughter said to you they found "love" in a chat room, have never met the person in real life, or had real life in person relationship with this person, what you advise them about it?