Am I having an emotional affair?

[MightyPen]

I guess the fact that I'm posting here somewhat answers the question in my mind, but it still seems like a slippery concept. For almost a year, I've been having an online "relationship" with a woman and it's become progressively more serious and more intimate and more important to me.

 

Yes, we talk about sex some, share fantasies, share links to erotica, etc., but 90% of our talks are just about our lives, experiences, opinions, plans and ambitions, etc. Just getting to know each other on a very personal level. I guess this is the definition of an emotional affair?

 

For a time, we eliminated the sexy parts, but that transition only lasted for about a month. We're both sexually attracted to one another, but we're both in relationships (I'm married, and she's in a long-term relationship) and we're not looking to meet in real life or ruin anyone's life. I guess we like the "have your cake and eat it too" of this situation. We've both professed our desire to keep this going and to become long-term parts of each other's lives, even if it has to continue being in secret (secret email accounts, chats, phone calls, etc.)

 

Has anyone crossed the line with someone in a situation like this and then "uncrossed" it so that it could continue in a healthier and more sustainable way? I find her fascinating in every way, and I can honestly say her friendship has made me a happier person. I know we are never going to "be together," and I think eventually I could try to think of her in a nonsexual way, although admittedly it would be very hard.

Edited September 28, 2015 by MightyPen

[pteromom]

Yes, you are having an emotional affair.

 

Are you turning outside your marriage to meet needs that should be met inside it?

 

Would your wife be angry or hurt if she found out?

 

Then yes, it's an affair.

[MightyPen]

I guess the better question is, can I end the emotional affair but keep the friendship? Is such a thing doable?

[RightThere]

Has anyone crossed the line with someone in a situation like this and then "uncrossed" it so that it could continue in a healthier and more sustainable way? I find her fascinating in every way, and I can honestly say her friendship has made me a happier person. I know we are never going to "be together," and I think eventually I could try to think of her in a nonsexual way, although admittedly it would be very hard.

 

I'm sure you are a happier person, but I wonder how your wife feels when you've likely been putting more effort into this emotional affair versus your real relationship.

 

And I think you are trying to uncrack an egg here. You crossed a line and you cannot go back to whatever your "perfect" situation is in your head. You'll always fantasize about her because she is much better at what you build her up in your head to be.

 

If you think you can go back, then tell your wife about all of it and see how she feels about it.

 

But yes, you are 100% having an emotional affair.

[MightyPen]

Yes, you are having an emotional affair.

 

Are you turning outside your marriage to meet needs that should be met inside it?

 

Would your wife be angry or hurt if she found out?

 

Then yes, it's an affair.

 

 

Do you really think any spouse can meet ALL of his/her spouses needs? I've yet to meet that person.

 

 

My spouse has many great qualities, but she can't give me the intellectual stimulation I've been craving. I should have realized how high on my priority list this was many years ago, but I guess I didn't realize it at the time. That's 100% on me.

[Grapesofwrath]

sounds to me that you are engaging in a fantasy with this person and the distance, protection, and anonymity of the online environment facilitates that.

 

If your wife were to find your secret email/chat/phone records, how would she feel? Does this behavior violate the agreement that you have with your wife around fidelity and monogamy? The answers to those questions tell you whether this is an affair.

 

Right now, you seem clear that you do not wish to meet or "get together" in real life. Be cautious. These types of relationships can be a slippery slope. You may not want to consummate the relationship now, but if it continues and intensifies, your thoughts on that matter will likely change.

[Satu]

Yes, it is an emotional affair. Absolutely.

 

What is most worrying about this is the fact that guilty secrets are very corrosive to relationships.

 

Even if your wife never finds out, it will still damage your relationship, and you as an individual.

 

Back out now before too much damage is done.

 

Or get a divorce and do whatever you like, free from guilty secrets.

[RightThere]

I guess the better question is, can I end the emotional affair but keep the friendship? Is such a thing doable?

 

No. It's not even a question of "maybe". It flat out won't work.

 

The main reason is this other woman is a figment of your imagination. You've built her up in your mind to this person who totally "gets you" and you can fantasize about her and what she's really like. Your wife cannot compete with that so you'll doom your existing relationship.

 

And even if you end it with this other woman, you'll still have that thought of her in the back of your mind. Unless you tell your wife what's been going on, I would bet your relationship with your wife will continue to be tainted and she won't be able to figure out why.

[RightThere]

Do you really think any spouse can meet ALL of his/her spouses needs? I've yet to meet that person.

 

Isn't it possible that you don't want to be in a monogamous relationship?

 

There's nothing wrong with admitting that may be what you actually want. You just need to make sure you are honest with anyone in your life who thinks they are in a monogamous relationship.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I guess the better question is, can I end the emotional affair but keep the friendship? Is such a thing doable?

 

First of all, the answer is no.

 

Second, a friendship IS an emotional relationship. Just because you may succeed at removing the sexual aspect of your virtual relationship doesn't change anything about what is going on between the two of you. If it's just friendship than why not tell your partners about each other?

 

You already know you've crossed a line here. You're both leaning on each other for happiness and fulfillment which is something you're supposed to get from your partners. How exactly is that fair to your partners?

 

And if you think you can sustain this long term, you're fooling yourselves. At some point someone is going to want to meet in person in the name of "friendship" only to end up in bed together.

 

What happens then?

[MightyPen]

I appreciate everyone being so respectful and civil. Even after reading the guidelines I was a little afraid of being attacked, so I really appreciate everyone's responses. It's hard to express my thoughts, even on a forum like this, because I obviously can't talk to anyone in "real life" about any of this.

 

 

To answer a few questions:

1) Do I still want to be married to her? To be honest, I'm not sure. Would I marry her all over again? No, I wouldn't. But we have children and a life and I'm ready to torpedo it all. I hope I don't sound like too much of a jerk here. I'm just being honest. I should have probably never gotten married. I value independence far too much.

 

 

2) Yes I realize that the other woman has her flaws and that I only see a certain side of her. I do think we are kindred spirits in a way, and we're able to go back and forth like I've never experienced with anyone, male or female, but yes I know she poops like everyone else and she probably has dozens of annoying habits.

 

 

3) She and I have addressed our trust issues with one another, as we're both acutely aware of each other's situation. It's the whole, "If you can't be honest with your wife/boyfriend, how can I expect you to be honest with me?" Well, I think we have been. We both have enough real information on the other where we could destroy their lives if we were so inclined. Mutually assured destruction, if you will.

[MightyPen]

First of all, the answer is no.

 

Second, a friendship IS an emotional relationship. Just because you may succeed at removing the sexual aspect of your virtual relationship doesn't change anything about what is going on between the two of you. If it's just friendship than why not tell your partners about each other?

 

You already know you've crossed a line here. You're both leaning on each other for happiness and fulfillment which is something you're supposed to get from your partners. How exactly is that fair to your partners?

 

And if you think you can sustain this long term, you're fooling yourselves. At some point someone is going to want to meet in person in the name of "friendship" only to end up in bed together.

 

What happens then?

 

 

I agree that meeting would change everything. And yes, I know people change their minds about how far to take things.

 

 

We are actually taking a "break" right now (my suggestion but she agreed) to give us both some time to figure out what we want from this. I guess in the back of my mind, I was hoping perhaps my romantic feelings for her would fade and we could restart things up platonicly.

[MightyPen]

Two posts up should have said, "I'm NOT ready to torpedo all of it!"

 

 

big difference! It was a typo.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I agree that meeting would change everything. And yes, I know people change their minds about how far to take things.

 

 

We are actually taking a "break" right now (my suggestion but she agreed) to give us both some time to figure out what we want from this. I guess in the back of my mind, I was hoping perhaps my romantic feelings for her would fade and we could restart things up platonicly.

 

It doesn't work that way, at least not in the immediate future.

 

You have to try and put this whole thing into perspective. I get it that you're not entirely happy in your marriage and basically staying together for the children but expending all the time and energy in an online relationship isn't fair to anyone including the other woman. I mean, what if you used that to work on your marriage?

 

Trust me when I tell you that this will only get harder and more challenging and will end badly if you're not careful.

 

Good luck.

[RightThere]

2) Yes I realize that the other woman has her flaws and that I only see a certain side of her. I do think we are kindred spirits in a way, and we're able to go back and forth like I've never experienced with anyone, male or female, but yes I know she poops like everyone else and she probably has dozens of annoying habits.

 

Frankly, you are living in Affairyland. I'm sure you "know" she has annoying habits, but you haven't actually experienced any of them. So you either have no real frame of reference, or you're still in the lust phase where everything she does is "cute".

 

3) She and I have addressed our trust issues with one another, as we're both acutely aware of each other's situation. It's the whole, "If you can't be honest with your wife/boyfriend, how can I expect you to be honest with me?" Well, I think we have been. We both have enough real information on the other where we could destroy their lives if we were so inclined. Mutually assured destruction, if you will.

 

I'm sure you've been honest with each other about things, but you've been honest without any real consequences or sacrifice involved. You really just have a double shotgun clause with her in that if she reveals you've having an emotional affair to your wife, you can reveal she's having an emotional affair to her partner.

 

I could tell you my ATM pin, but because we're anonymous people on the internet, my trust and truth to you is meaningless.

[purplesorrow]

Do you really think any spouse can meet ALL of his/her spouses needs? I've yet to meet that person.

 

 

My spouse has many great qualities, but she can't give me the intellectual stimulation I've been craving. I should have realized how high on my priority list this was many years ago, but I guess I didn't realize it at the time. That's 100% on me.

 

Just let your wife know. Then advise her it's ok to go out and find someone to meet the needs that you don't. Let everyone be happy and satisfied.

[MightyPen]

This will make me sound horrible, but if she had/has some secret thing on the side, I'd be okay with just having my head buried in the sand as long as there was no physical/possible disease element to it. I couldn't really criticize if she wanted some fantasy/wish fulfillment.

[purplesorrow]

This will make me sound horrible, but if she had/has some secret thing on the side, I'd be okay with just having my head buried in the sand as long as there was no physical/possible disease element to it. I couldn't really criticize if she wanted some fantasy/wish fulfillment.

 

So tell her. What's the hold up?

[MightyPen]

I'm not sure how to start that conversation.

 

 

And note that I said -I- wouldn't have a problem with it. She would not accept my relationship with this woman even if it were 100% friendly (which it's obviously not).

 

 

If it wasn't for the kids, I would probably be inclined to talk about my unhappiness, but as you all know, the kids change everything. So I guess I'm just using this relationship as a sort of band aid to make me happier and meet an important need without destroying our lives and filing for divorce.

[autumnnight]

I guess the better question is, can I end the emotional affair but keep the friendship? Is such a thing doable?

 

Here is the most honorable and honest way to answer this:

 

Tell your wife everything, and then ask HER how comfortable she feels with you maintaining a friendship with your affair partner.

[purplesorrow]

I'm not sure how to start that conversation.

 

 

And note that I said -I- wouldn't have a problem with it. She would not accept my relationship with this woman even if it were 100% friendly (which it's obviously not).

 

 

If it wasn't for the kids, I would probably be inclined to talk about my unhappiness, but as you all know, the kids change everything. So I guess I'm just using this relationship as a sort of band aid to make me happier and meet an important need without destroying our lives and filing for divorce.

 

Hmmmm, I have a kid. Ex cheated and made me unhappy. I divorced. If you're so independent, how can you live in misery?

[autumnnight]

I'm not sure how to start that conversation.

 

 

And note that I said -I- wouldn't have a problem with it. She would not accept my relationship with this woman even if it were 100% friendly (which it's obviously not).

 

 

If it wasn't for the kids, I would probably be inclined to talk about my unhappiness, but as you all know, the kids change everything. So I guess I'm just using this relationship as a sort of band aid to make me happier and meet an important need without destroying our lives and filing for divorce.

 

Let me alter this:

 

I guess I am having this secret relationship because I feel entitled to and I do not want to have to suffer any consequences.

[MightyPen]

I'm not miserable. Just unhappy, bored and unsatisfied. And the thing is, I don't think she is any of those things (I could be wrong). I sometimes wonder, "Can things REALLY be that unbalanced? I'm unhappy but she seems fine? Does my unhappiness mean that she's most likely unhappy too?"

 

 

Okay sure, if I had a magic wand, we'd be divorced but civil, co-parent our kids, and I'd have more freedom. She would too. But I don't have a magic wand, it would be a huge messy divorce, it would kill our ability to save for the kids' college, and so to the folks suggesting that I should "tell her" about this situation, I just say no way. It doesn't make sense to do that.

[purplesorrow]

I'm not miserable. Just unhappy, bored and unsatisfied. And the thing is, I don't think she is any of those things (I could be wrong). I sometimes wonder, "Can things REALLY be that unbalanced? I'm unhappy but she seems fine? Does my unhappiness mean that she's most likely unhappy too?"

 

 

Okay sure, if I had a magic wand, we'd be divorced but civil, co-parent our kids, and I'd have more freedom. She would too. But I don't have a magic wand, it would be a huge messy divorce, it would kill our ability to save for the kids' college, and so to the folks suggesting that I should "tell her" about this situation, I just say no way. It doesn't make sense to do that.

 

Oh, so you're all that and a bag of chips? Believe me, you're lacking somewhere but she must love you enough to not look else where. You don't need a magic wand. You need to grow a pair to confront your wife and change your relationship since you don't want to leave it. Don't take the cowards way, cheat and make your wife divorce you.

[MightyPen]

I didn't mean to imply in any way that I was "all that and a bag of chips." I don't think I'm that great of a catch or anything. I'm not sure what I said to make you infer that. I've thought of myself as a shlubly husband/dad for many years, so honestly my self-esteem is not all that high. I guess that's another element of this. I'm flattered that this woman finds me interesting.

 

 

And I just meant that if one partner is unhappy, you might assume that the other partner was probably unhappy on some level as well.

 

 

To you and everyone else who posted today, I do appreciate your comments. Sometimes some tough love is needed. I'll likely gather my thoughts tonight and post again tomorrow morning. I won't be around until then.