E-Squared Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 So recently I kind of started talking to someone, whom I am not so sure if I want to continue talking to, for various reasons. We just talked casually and all of a sudden she asked me if I lived alone or with roommates. It kind of threw me off that she asked me that right then, considering that we just made conversation and she asked me too soon. Another reason is that I did not want to say that I live at home for the time being, and I could have probably waited a bit to tell her. Maybe not a month, but rather a week or so. Look, I get that women want to know about they guys that they are talking to, mostly to see if they are worthy of pursuit. Now another reason why I was skeptical of even trying to talk to her is because she lives more than an hour away from me. Now I am aware that I am feeling a little insecure in telling her, being that I dodged the question and left her question unanswered, but in the past I had experienced a woman's interest in me just dying like that after having told her about my living situation and that I lack a mode of transport. Friends of mine told me that if a woman has a problem with things like that, then she is not worth dating. What do you think of all of this? I may seem a bit concerned too much about it, but I am really not that concerned, because I did say that I was not sure about going for her because of distance and I have other things going on at the moment.
pteromom Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I think it is a normal question to ask, and that you are letting your insecurity about living at home cause you to overreact. Your friends are right. If a woman isn't OK with your life as it is, you don't want to waste time with her. What's the alternative? Wait until you are incredibly into each other, and then find out she is turned off by your living situation? Tell her, and explain why you live at home, and explain your plan for getting out of there. She will either accept it or not. If not, good riddance. 10
d0nnivain Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Can you respond by framing it in a positive way, like I'm living at home to save money. In this economy it's the best choice. 4
pteromom Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Look, I get that women want to know about they guys that they are talking to, mostly to see if they are worthy of pursuit. This isn't why - at least not for normal, non-gold digging women. It's to check for compatibility. 2
mrs rubble Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Maybe she thinks you live with a girlfriend and now you've avoided the question her suspicions are even higher! 3
Oregon_Dude Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Can you respond by framing it in a positive way, like I'm living at home to save money. In this economy it's the best choice.Exactly. OP, I'm currently living at home while working two jobs, and saving a chunk o' change so I can be all set for when I move out again. It's pretty sweet not having to worry about money. I also have the same fear you do in dating - that this will be a turn-off to women. If it is, it is, and there's nothing you can do about that. The right ones will find it responsible in a long-term way. 2
ScienceGal Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 There is nothing wrong with her question. You're feeling put off because it's one you don't want to answer. She might reject you, so as a defensive move you're pointing out why you might not be interested in her. But, you are interested, or else you wouldn't be posting. Decide whether (aside from the living situation question) she is someone you want to pursue. If no, problem solved. If yes, tell her the truth. An honest answer wouldn't turn me off, unless the answer was that the guy plans to live at home long term. 5
craw Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Have you considered that maybe she's checking to see if you have a place you can bang at? Maybe she isn't up for sex in the bushes... 2
autumnnight Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 This isn't about her asking a question too soon. It is about you feeling uncomfortable living with your parents. 7
RecentChange Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I think livng situation and transport are reasonable questions to ask, and doesn't mean someone is a gold digger. From my point of view - as a female who works hard to have her s**** together... So she is an hour and a half away, and you don't have a car. Does that mean she will always have to drive to you? Play chauffer on every date? Make arrangements that work around 3 hour bus rides? If you are living in a major urban area, no car isn't a big deal - if not its a huge hassle. And as for living arrangements, to me that's a basic small talk type question. I am in San Francisco, roommates are quite common (highest rent in the nation will do that) - but if someone is still living with their FOLKS, I would want to know if they have lived on their own before, how long they have been at the 'rents place, and when they plan to move out. Living with the parents can not only put a damper on any sex life - I want to know that someone is in the same stage of life as I am (I moved out at 18), has the same understanding of the "real world" etc. Beyond high school, I never dated anyone that "lived at home" and it has nothing to do with gold digging. 6
MissBee Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 (edited) So recently I kind of started talking to someone, whom I am not so sure if I want to continue talking to, for various reasons. We just talked casually and all of a sudden she asked me if I lived alone or with roommates. It kind of threw me off that she asked me that right then, considering that we just made conversation and she asked me too soon. Another reason is that I did not want to say that I live at home for the time being, and I could have probably waited a bit to tell her. Maybe not a month, but rather a week or so. Look, I get that women want to know about they guys that they are talking to, mostly to see if they are worthy of pursuit. Now another reason why I was skeptical of even trying to talk to her is because she lives more than an hour away from me. Now I am aware that I am feeling a little insecure in telling her, being that I dodged the question and left her question unanswered, but in the past I had experienced a woman's interest in me just dying like that after having told her about my living situation and that I lack a mode of transport. Friends of mine told me that if a woman has a problem with things like that, then she is not worth dating. What do you think of all of this? I may seem a bit concerned too much about it, but I am really not that concerned, because I did say that I was not sure about going for her because of distance and I have other things going on at the moment. I don't get what you mean by "too soon," this is one of the standard questions you ask someone. I'm sure she didn't even think much of asking. It's like any other question like what do you do, where did you grow up, etc. I just had a date this weekend and where do you live, do you have roommates etc came up in our first conversation. It wasn't a big deal. I get that it's because you're insecure why this is a big deal, but you have to understand that the average person will see this as a simple and ordinary question and something normal to ask about. Are you hoping if they don't ask until one week or one month later it will make a difference in terms of their reaction to it? Look: a woman is not a bad woman, neither is a man, if they prefer to date someone who doesn't live at home and who has a mode of transportation. It's not unreasonable. It's one of those very practical things that will matter. And yes, many people will be put off and others won't be. No use hiding the truth, it's best to admit what it is and then allow someone to choose you in spite of it or not. I'm from a culture for example where living at home for young adults isn't uncommon and it's not associated with negative things necessarily. So for me, it depends on the situation surrounding his living at home and how much it will impede our life together as a couple that will determine if it's a deal breaker or not. I also live in a city and in fact many people I know don't have cars because it's not necessary. Most people bike around town or use Zip Car rentals if they need to use a car. However, it's all a matter of where you're from and whether this will impede your dating. If you live in the suburbs and public transportation is bad or unreliable or you don't have money for cab fares or you live at home and have little privacy, then it will have a practical effect on your dating life and it's not shallow or wrong for someone to choose people whose situations will make sense. Will your situation change anytime soon? I ask because you won't be able to escape the fact that this might be a deal breaker for many, so you have two options: focus on changing your situation and put dating on the back burner so that when you do date you won't have this looming insecurity hanging over your head and you'll have more options OR continue to date in this situation but realize that it will pose some limitations as long as you're okay with being upfront and expecting that some women will decline being in this situation but it's possible to find some who will be fine with it. Edited September 28, 2015 by MissBee 4
Author E-Squared Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 I think livng situation and transport are reasonable questions to ask, and doesn't mean someone is a gold digger. From my point of view - as a female who works hard to have her s**** together... So she is an hour and a half away, and you don't have a car. Does that mean she will always have to drive to you? Play chauffer on every date? Make arrangements that work around 3 hour bus rides? If you are living in a major urban area, no car isn't a big deal - if not its a huge hassle. And as for living arrangements, to me that's a basic small talk type question. I am in San Francisco, roommates are quite common (highest rent in the nation will do that) - but if someone is still living with their FOLKS, I would want to know if they have lived on their own before, how long they have been at the 'rents place, and when they plan to move out. Living with the parents can not only put a damper on any sex life - I want to know that someone is in the same stage of life as I am (I moved out at 18), has the same understanding of the "real world" etc. Beyond high school, I never dated anyone that "lived at home" and it has nothing to do with gold digging. I am not that far from you as I live in the Sacramento area. I like in the city of Elk Grove. The aforementioned girl lives in Yuba City. That is quite a distance, don't you think? By the way, the one who said it was a deal-breaker about the lack of a car was a different person, not the same one who is the subject of this thread.
RecentChange Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Well - I think those two points are pretty far away without a car or consistent public transportation we have in the bay. I go between SF and San Jose daily - same distance, but not a big deal as its a 50 min train ride and both points are urban centers. Elk Grove to Yuba City? I am guessing that is a 2-3 hour bus ride one way, and there aren't zip cars at every corner.
Author E-Squared Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 Well - I think those two points are pretty far away without a car or consistent public transportation we have in the bay. I go between SF and San Jose daily - same distance, but not a big deal as its a 50 min train ride and both points are urban centers. Elk Grove to Yuba City? I am guessing that is a 2-3 hour bus ride one way, and there aren't zip cars at every corner. Well, here is a little something that I should say: I am actually a licensed driver and I know how to drive. I just don't have a car at the moment. I will say that there is a girl who I am talking to who lives out in Jackson, but the difference between Yuba City and Jackson is that I go out to Jackson more than I do Yuba City, as I am never out in the latter.
thefooloftheyear Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 If I was a grown man that was living with parents and didnt have a car, there would be no way in hell I would even attempt to meet a woman...Too humiliating.... ...But that's me... TFY
Author E-Squared Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 I am debating whether I should finally answer her question today. It's been three days since we last talked, by the way.
clia Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 She likely has already moved on. If I asked a guy about his living situation and he refused to answer, I would think that was really strange. It's a normal question to ask someone. If you aren't comfortable answering it, you shouldn't be dating because it is always going to come up. 6
RoseVille Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I am not that far from you as I live in the Sacramento area. I like in the city of Elk Grove. The aforementioned girl lives in Yuba City. That is quite a distance, don't you think?. I live in SF and currently commute by Amtrak daily to Sacramento - I walk less than a block from the station to my work building. I understand where both EG and YC are, but they're not that far apart. They are, however, far for someone without a mode of transportation, given that you don't have a car and neither train or light rail run that full route. As others have said, there is nothing wrong with her asking that question - pretty normal, basic, introductory question. It doesn't make her a gold digger, nor does it make her not worth dating if she cares about your response and finds you to be incompatible. 3
Author E-Squared Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 She likely has already moved on. If I asked a guy about his living situation and he refused to answer, I would think that was really strange. It's a normal question to ask someone. If you aren't comfortable answering it, you shouldn't be dating because it is always going to come up. Well, to put it bluntly, I think I raised her suspicion a little more. She asked me that question on Saturday night and just kept quiet, and then told her the next day that I was just enjoying the show that I had gone to, and I really did go to a show. We texted each other, until she asked the same question, which was the last thing she said to me as I did not respond.
RoseVille Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Well, to put it bluntly, I think I raised her suspicion a little more. She asked me that question on Saturday night and just kept quiet, and then told her the next day that I was just enjoying the show that I had gone to, and I really did go to a show. We texted each other, until she asked the same question, which was the last thing she said to me as I did not respond. She asked twice and you haven't responded? Yeah, she's moved on. You've made it obvious you're dodging the question, which tells her that, even if she doesn't care about the answer, you're insecure about it. 3
Author E-Squared Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 Well, I texted that girl earlier and she had told me that she had been super busy lately and hasn't had enough time to talk on the phone or text. She also said that she had a limit when it comes to meeting guys online about how if she does not meet with them within two weeks, she won't continue contacting them. Well, at this point, I am basically cutting that a lot shorter because I don't care much anymore. That text message was just an experiment.
Oregon_Dude Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 You're too insecure about your living situation to be dating. You could have owned it, and even had confidence about it, but instead you acted shady, evasive and ashamed. My advice: don't date again until you have your own place. 3
deadelvis Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I moved back into my parents house for a few years when I was in my late 20's. I think I had sex with more women in my parents guest house than I did at any of my own apartments. It really doesn't matter if you have game.
Author E-Squared Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 You're too insecure about your living situation to be dating. You could have owned it, and even had confidence about it, but instead you acted shady, evasive and ashamed. My advice: don't date again until you have your own place. I could probably date if I find someone CLOSER to me. The last girl who I almost dated (It's hard to describe what I mean here) was fine with my situation. The reason we did not go any further than talking was basically a problem that was unrelated to the subject here.
Recommended Posts