International relationship- bf's phone off due to nonpayment

September 28, 2015

Well one would think that since he knew beforehand his phone was being disconnected, he would be sure to have your email address... and vice versa.

I guess we're not too bright.

September 28, 2015

I know it doesn't bode well for him. Unfortunately, he has zero social media. No Facebook. He has my email address, but I don't have his. It is mildly concerning that he hasn't tried to email me, but it's probably that he forgot it, as I never gave it to him in writing, but over the phone.

He could start a Facebook and only friend you, if he wanted to. There are options available to him, and he isn't taking them. Definitely makes one wonder WHY NOT?

September 28, 2015

No, if you haven't paid your bill - the phone gets disconnected. He should be contactable through Mo+.

Ah, ok. It rings when I call and my messages still say 'delivered.' (We both have iPhones.) So I wasn't sure how that worked. I also don't know how Canada's service providers treat disconnections as opposed to America's.

September 28, 2015

He could start a Facebook and only friend you, if he wanted to. There are options available to him, and he isn't taking them. Definitely makes one wonder WHY NOT?

Well, I suppose I wouldn't do that, either, if I thought it would only be a few days. Maybe it's taking longer to sort out than originally anticipated. And maybe I put too much trust into people. Who knows? I want to keep a firm head, but I don't want to be cynical and assume he's up to no good right off the bat. That's not good.

September 28, 2015

Well, I suppose I wouldn't do that, either, if I thought it would only be a few days. Maybe it's taking longer to sort out than originally anticipated. And maybe I put too much trust into people. Who knows? I want to keep a firm head, but I don't want to be cynical and assume he's up to no good right off the bat. That's not good.

Well you have pre-set plans this coming weekend....that need to be firmed up.

So at what point DO you start "wondering" (not assuming) if he's up to no good?

September 28, 2015

gaius, not understanding what you mean by looking into rates.

The OP said it's a 40 minute DRIVE apart.

Do you mean gas rates?

Nah I mean like calling rates. =/ I've never made an international call before but I would imagine one of the first things I would do would be to go to my carrier's website and see how much it was, and figure out if I could afford it or not. Rather than just dialing away until I get whacked with a bill I can't afford. I mean who doesn't know that they charge you more for international?

Since he was so disorganized on that level I can see him just forgetting to setup another way to make contact but the fact he's that debilitated should be cause for concern.

September 28, 2015

Well you have pre-set plans this coming weekend....that need to be firmed up.

So at what point DO you start "wondering" (not assuming) if he's up to no good?

It's only been a few days. If it gets to be later in the week and nothing, then I'll start to wonder. I have anxiety about these kinds of things and I tend to analyze everything to death and worry when there's no reason for it...I'm just trying to be a bit more lax. Also, I do have a key to his apartment...and not much would bar me from showing up, say, on Wednesday, like, "surprise! hi, so about this weekend..." lol

September 28, 2015

Nah I mean like calling rates. =/ I've never made an international call before but I would imagine one of the first things I would do would be to go to my carrier's website and see how much it was, and figure out if I could afford it or not. Rather than just dialing away until I get whacked with a bill I can't afford. I mean who doesn't know that they charge you more for international?

Since he was so disorganized on that level I can see him just forgetting to setup another way to make contact but the fact he's that debilitated should be cause for concern.

It wasn't so cut and dry. We talked in the very beginning about the rates for international phone calls, and he insisted on not minding having to pay a bit extra. Then again, at that point he just wanted to call to "say a quick goodnight" which turned into 3 hours of talking...oops.

September 28, 2015

You can still make and receive phone calls on WiFi using an iPhone, ya know.

Something about this just seems fishy. He's never anywhere with free WiFi long enough to get your iMessages? I doubt it.

WiFi calling is available on iPhone 5s and above, so he should be able to call you back. Even McDonalds has free WiFi.

There are hundreds, maybe thousands of ways for you guys to communicate via the internet. I can't imagine running up such a high a bill when there are so many different free options.

September 28, 2015

You can still make and receive phone calls on WiFi using an iPhone, ya know.

Something about this just seems fishy. He's never anywhere with free WiFi long enough to get your iMessages? I doubt it.

WiFi calling is available on iPhone 5s and above, so he should be able to call you back. Even McDonalds has free WiFi.

There are hundreds, maybe thousands of ways for you guys to communicate via the internet. I can't imagine running up such a high a bill when there are so many different free options.

Neither of us has iPhone 5s or above...Lol. I have the 5c and he's got just the 5. He's openly admitted that he "doesn't know how wifi texting works." He's not very tech savvy... I did suggest it to him though before his service got cut. And for the record, I haven't texted him since Saturday. On the weekends he spends the majority of his time at his mom's; I have no idea if she has wifi or not, but I would imagine so. During the week he typically has class and then work, which combined make for 12-hour days. I know it seems like I'm making every excuse in the world, but I really do think this is just a case of us not really preparing enough for this before it happened.

September 28, 2015

Neither of us has iPhone 5s or above...Lol. I have the 5c and he's got just the 5. He's openly admitted that he "doesn't know how wifi texting works." He's not very tech savvy... I did suggest it to him though before his service got cut. And for the record, I haven't texted him since Saturday. On the weekends he spends the majority of his time at his mom's; I have no idea if she has wifi or not, but I would imagine so. During the week he typically has class and then work, which combined make for 12-hour days. I know it seems like I'm making every excuse in the world, but I really do think this is just a case of us not really preparing enough for this before it happened.

I think it's great you are not jumping to conclusions, assuming he's ghosting, fading or whatevs.

There are folks on this board who assume the worst if they don't hear from someone they're dating for ONE day!

I know I jumped the gun earlier...but hey if you're not that concerned about it (other than you miss him and hope to hear from his soon), then I won't be either.

PLEASE let us know when you hear from him though, okay? Post an update.

September 28, 2015

I think it's great you are not jumping to conclusions, assuming he's ghosting, fading or whatevs.

There are folks on this board who assume the worst if they don't hear from someone they're dating for ONE day!

I know I jumped the gun earlier...but hey if you're not that concerned about it (other than you miss him and hope to hear from his soon), then I won't be either.

PLEASE let us know when you hear from him though, okay? Post an update.

You're sweet, thank you. I admit, I'm unnerved by this situation. But I'm trying to be rational and not let my anxiety get the best of me. I relapse sometimes throughout the day, and the disconnect makes me sad, if anything.

To be honest, it is difficult for me not to be too concerned. I'm used to being ghosted. But I think I owe it to my boyfriend and our relationship to not assume he'll do that to me, until there's hard evidence. It's not fair to him or us. So the best I can do in the meantime is keep busy and stay hopeful. OR as I've said, maybe I'll just pay him a visit later in the week. Haha

September 28, 2015

Hey everybody. Here's my latest situation.

I've been dating a very nice Canadian gent since late August. Mind you, I'm in the States, though in Buffalo, NY. We are about a 40-minute drive apart, so I hardly consider this to be 'long distance.' But that's besides the point.

Regardless of distance, this is still technically an international relationship. We use an app to be able to call each other for free, but in the beginning, we racked up his phone bill quite high by making standard phone calls. I was always the recipient, so my bill hasn't skyrocketed. However, his is some $160 extra. That said, on Saturday his phone was suspended due to nonpayment. I knew it was coming; we spoke on Thursday about it and I was going to try to help him out since I contributed, but I wasn't financially able to. We haven't talked since Friday and it's been tough for me; I just feel so disconnected from him. I don't have his email address, and he doesn't have social media, so I'm at a loss here. I can only hope he gets it straightened out sooner than later. He's supposed to come stay with me this upcoming weekend, but we've yet to iron out the details, so each day that passes without contact is a day I'm a bit more worried.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How'd it work out? How'd you cope?

Thanks!

In dating, I think it's always important to have more than one means of contact for the person you're with. Be it an email, a landline, social media or something else, as you never know what can happen and you don't want to be in the situation you're in now where there is radio silence.

Although, to be honest, where there is a will there is a way. I've been in the situation before where I lost my phone while dating and I went online, looked up online texting where you can send texts for free to someone's phone from online and I would use that to contact the person to let them know I wasn't ignoring them but had lost my phone. His phone is just cut off, not lost, so he still has access to your number to do something like that if he's really concerned about being in touch. If he has access to a landline or a friend with a phone, he could also borrow it and be in touch that way. And if all else fails, there are call boxes. That was one surprising thing, when I was in Canada two years ago at the bus depots, train stations, etc they had call boxes you can use coins or credit cards with, which I hadn't seen in a while! It's 2015 so for me personally, I don't think it's excusable that you have NO OTHER WAY to even let the person know you're alive just because your phone is disconnected. He doesn't have the internet?

In any event, I'm not saying this to say anything negative about him. Wait and see what happens and if things resolve themselves where you're able to be in touch, please have a backup contact plan for each other so that you're never out in the dark with no way to communicate, esp if you're long distance this is so important.

Edited September 28, 2015 by MissBee

September 29, 2015

Neither of us has iPhone 5s or above...Lol. I have the 5c and he's got just the 5. He's openly admitted that he "doesn't know how wifi texting works." He's not very tech savvy... I did suggest it to him though before his service got cut. And for the record, I haven't texted him since Saturday. On the weekends he spends the majority of his time at his mom's; I have no idea if she has wifi or not, but I would imagine so. During the week he typically has class and then work, which combined make for 12-hour days. I know it seems like I'm making every excuse in the world, but I really do think this is just a case of us not really preparing enough for this before it happened.

Not to add to the suspicion, maybe it's nothing, but as I read further (I posted just based on your initial post) it's making less sense. I imagined that maybe he didn't have a smartphone which is why he couldn't contact you without calling on the regular phone plan....but he does.

The iphone 5 is just one step below the latest model. Regardless, even if you had the first iphone ever made, ALL smartphones are wifi capable and there are many apps for calling and texting that don't require a phone plan. I spend part of the year in another country farther than Canada, I have friends in other countries, I and most of my friends travel a lot and I have one friend who is currently in Tanzania and we message almost daily...through wifi apps. Sometimes she isn't where there is wifi so we can't message, but when there is wifi, she uses whatsapp and we can phone each other or send texts through that. There is also Viber, IMO, Skype...tons of apps for international communication. And trust me...many of the people I talk to internationally don't have iphones but more basic model smartphones, and many of them are in developing countries, not Western countries like Canada in which wifi is common and popular.

OP....I hope that you're right and you've all just ill-planned, but it seems a little strange, now knowing the details, that two people living in developed rich nations, where cafes with wifi, stores with open wifi etc are common, who aren't over 50 lol, who own iphones don't realize they can communicate using wifi-enabled apps and never actually have to use up their data or actually have to pay for exorbitant international phone calls.

Edited September 29, 2015 by MissBee

September 29, 2015

Not to add to the suspicion, maybe it's nothing, but as I read further (I posted just based on your initial post) it's making less sense. I imagined that maybe he didn't have a smartphone which is why he couldn't contact you without calling on the regular phone plan....but he does.

The iphone 5 is just one step below the latest model. Regardless, even if you had the first iphone ever made, ALL smartphones are wifi capable and there are many apps for calling and texting that don't require a phone plan. I spend part of the year in another country farther than Canada, I have friends in other countries, I and most of my friends travel a lot and I have one friend who is currently in Tanzania and we message almost daily...through wifi apps. Sometimes she isn't where there is wifi so we can't message, but when there is wifi, she uses whatsapp and we can phone each other or send texts through that. There is also Viber, IMO, Skype...tons of apps for international communication. And trust me...many of the people I talk to internationally don't have iphones but more basic model smartphones, and many of them are in developing countries, not Western countries like Canada in which wifi is common and popular.

OP....I hope that you're right and you've all just ill-planned, but it seems a little strange, now knowing the details, that two people living in developed rich nations, where cafes with wifi, stores with open wifi etc are common, who aren't over 50 lol, who own iphones don't realize they can communicate using wifi-enabled apps and never actually have to use up their data or actually have to pay for exorbitant international phone calls.

Here's my reply to your comment and a general response/update:

A little more insight into the situation: on Thursday we'd talked about the possibility of his phone being suspended on Saturday if he didn't pay a certain amount. Friday was a busy day for both of us though we still talked throughout, and to be honest by the end of the day I had forgotten about the next day being the potential cutoff day for his service. I actually woke up in the middle of Friday night because I suddenly realized that I'd forgotten about his phone situation without having established another sound mode of communication. And then on Saturday when I tried to get ahold of him, I was unable. So I think it was just poor planning on both our parts. But I absolutely agree that we should have multiple ways to keep in touch, and going forward I'll make sure to establish that.

A general update:

I texted him right before work today suggesting that if he received the message, to connect to wifi and text back. And about an hour later he responded saying that his provider is letting his message in "off and on." We talked for a bit. I found out he got the flu over the weekend and isn't feeling the best. I told him to get some rest and left it at that. Here's hoping I can get ahold of him tomorrow.

September 29, 2015

Here's my reply to your comment and a general response/update:

A little more insight into the situation: on Thursday we'd talked about the possibility of his phone being suspended on Saturday if he didn't pay a certain amount. Friday was a busy day for both of us though we still talked throughout, and to be honest by the end of the day I had forgotten about the next day being the potential cutoff day for his service. I actually woke up in the middle of Friday night because I suddenly realized that I'd forgotten about his phone situation without having established another sound mode of communication. And then on Saturday when I tried to get ahold of him, I was unable. So I think it was just poor planning on both our parts. But I absolutely agree that we should have multiple ways to keep in touch, and going forward I'll make sure to establish that.

A general update:

I texted him right before work today suggesting that if he received the message, to connect to wifi and text back. And about an hour later he responded saying that his provider is letting his message in "off and on." We talked for a bit. I found out he got the flu over the weekend and isn't feeling the best. I told him to get some rest and left it at that. Here's hoping I can get ahold of him tomorrow.

It all feels very vague

September 29, 2015

Sounds fishy... Even if he got the flu, why didn't he contact you at least once in one of those times the messaging was "on"?

If I were you, I'd wait for him to make contact from now on. Sounds like this could be a slow fade out.

A general update:

I texted him right before work today suggesting that if he received the message, to connect to wifi and text back. And about an hour later he responded saying that his provider is letting his message in "off and on." We talked for a bit. I found out he got the flu over the weekend and isn't feeling the best. I told him to get some rest and left it at that. Here's hoping I can get ahold of him tomorrow.

September 29, 2015

Does this person not have a job? People typically have wifi access at their place of work.

Also him giving you a key to his home so early on is a potential red flag. Why would someone give the key to their place to somebody who is still almost a stranger? At the very least his boundaries are a little non-existant

September 29, 2015

Sounds fishy... Even if he got the flu, why didn't he contact you at least once in one of those times the messaging was "on"?

If I were you, I'd wait for him to make contact from now on. Sounds like this could be a slow fade out.

I thought of that too. But when I texted him he responded "hey! I just got your message." So maybe he hadn't seen it up until that point? Also, if he has the flu, it's quite possible he'd been resting and not paying attention to his phone. In my experience, the flu sucks way worse than a normal cold. I don't want to do much of anything when I've got it.

September 29, 2015

Excuses, excuses.

September 29, 2015

Does this person not have a job? People typically have wifi access at their place of work.

Also him giving you a key to his home so early on is a potential red flag. Why would someone give the key to their place to somebody who is still almost a stranger? At the very least his boundaries are a little non-existant

He's a law clerk. I'm not sure if he has wifi access at work but I've never expected to hear from him much while at work since he's working directly under someone.

Also, I know the key thing seems weird. But to elaborate on it: I was very adamant about not having sex until we both felt comfortable enough and ready. When I went to meet him for the first time, he asked if I thought he'd never call me again if we had sex early on. I said yes and that that's been my experience. And to prove he was serious about us continuing to date, he gave me his key. So rather than "I want you to move in with me" kind of thing, it seems to me more like a kind gesture. And for the record, I would never abuse that privilege but showing up unannounced or uninvited unless it were an emergency.

September 29, 2015

Excuses, excuses.

Hey now. It's entirely possible. Let me point out that this is not typical behavior of him, for what that's worth. What if every time he didn't act how I expected him to, I freaked out on him? I don't think that'd be healthy or a good idea.

Sorry for getting defensive. I know you're trying to help and I appreciate it. I do. I've been on the receiving end of someone who got upset with me for every little thing I did or didn't do, when (in my mind) I wasn't doing anything wrong and I wasn't even aware of what I was or wasn't doing. It was emotionally exhausting and I don't want to turn into that person. If that makes sense?

September 29, 2015

OP, what are you hoping to get out of this thread? Several people have shared their insight into the situation and you seem quite resistant to any interpretation that speaks to anything but a rosy outcome. Now, I fully understand the desire for a happy ending but if you are so convinced that will be the case, what are you hoping to establish in this thread?

September 29, 2015

Next time you're in contact with each other it would be a good idea to look at alternate means of being able to contact each other, don't you think?

September 29, 2015

First, Hi! I'm in Buffalo too. I live in Allentown

Not much to add, except that it's only Tuesday and this all went down Saturday. If you don't have more clear responses/communication from him by this weekend, I'd be concerned. It's also early in the relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for a year so we talk all the time now, but in the beginning it wasn't quite like that. I wouldn't love that he was irresponsible enough to get his phone shut off, but, it's not like that's a deal breaker especially because phone bills can be outrageous sometimes.

For someone who's not super connected to technology, I don't think this is too fishy. I have friends who truly aren't constantly connected to a phone/device (I envy that, really). But then others who would immediately find some way to be online/texting/connected even if their phone was shut off. So it depends.

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International relationship- bf's phone off due to nonpayment

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