Does they way you handle a Break-Up mean anything?

[Bo34]

Hey guys, so I was reading through a thread yesterday which really got me thinking; It said that the way you handle and conducted yourself with the breakup really goes a long way in how your ex views you and if she has any strong desires to reconcile. Is this true??

 

 

It's been 2 months since I've gone NC with my ex. Since the day she broke up with me I have not contacted her in any way. No calls, texts, emails, blocked every social media etc. But, I really handled myself very poorly when she broke up with me. Aside from the usual begging and pleading I did when she broke up with me in trying to reason with her why it didn't have to end this way and why we could make this work, something else happened which was weird that has lingered with me to this day; At the very end when we said our goodbyes, she reached out and kissed me. Instead of just walking away or stopping it like a man, we kissed. After we kissed, I held her for a good minute. It's something that really bugs me to this day. I regret doing this sooo much because I showed complete weakness as a man. I read somewhere on this forum yesterday that by not walking away and handling myself with respect, I ruined any chance I had of my ex wanting to reconcile because in her eyes, she feels that she can have me back at any time, and that loses any desire for her to do so. To make matters even worse, at the very end I told her if she ever had 2nd doubts to contact me.

 

I don't know what I was thinking. I really feel like I was so paralyzed and shocked by what was actually going down, that I completely lost all my marbles in my head. What do you guys honestly think??

[TaraMaiden2]

I really believe you shouldn't think of it that way.

 

You were not responsible for the break-up.

You didn't want it, initiate it or agree to it.

When she walked away for the last time, you were as much in love with her as ever.

This was NOT ok with you.

You didn't want to comply and as far as I would be concerned, that kiss demonstrated to her the intensity of your intended dedication to her.

 

The kiss wasn't weak.

The kiss - meant it.

And that's the impression she was last left with.

A kiss with so much love, affection and commitment.

 

Having gone NC with her, she is now completely in the dark about you.

She knows nothing.

She has nothing to go on, but that last kiss.

 

I think you did ok, myself.

[buddha84]

Often times, how we handle a breakup can be a reflection of things we haven't worked on in ourselves. Maybe as a kid you weren't given enough attention from your parents. Maybe you have abandonment issues. Maybe you were in a codependent relationship. There can be a lot more that goes into how we react to a breakup than just the breakup itself.

 

Often, once you start looking at yourself and how you reacted, and start reflecting on your past, you can put real changes in place and become a better person. The worst thing to do is to jump into another relationship, of course. See how your actions might have ties to past hurts or abandonment.

 

I started doing this after my breakup and got in touch with spirituality, and it's made me a better person.

 

You also have to realize that there are often normal steps in a break up. The end step being acceptance. When you worry about reconciling (I've done this plenty), you close yourself off from meeting someone better or improving yourself for you. There's a lot inside that you might not even realize about yourself, and your reaction to a breakup can often signal that you have personal work you need to do on yourself. Keep strong!

 

I'll let you know this: I worked a good bit on myself the last couple of months. I had a horrible breakup - suicide threats, constant texting/emailing, fights all the time (this was after a 4 year relationship). Then I started analyzing myself and who I am - what hobbies I want to do. Suddenly, being obsessed with having a relationship seems kind of ridiculous in comparison with all that life has to offer. And you know what, as soon as I started focusing on myself and getting somewhere, the ex starts telling me she loves me, misses me, I was her best friend, she regrets things, is sad, etc etc. And now I just feel ambivalent and not in a rush to meet up with her.

[erklat]

Dude, you handled yourself perfectly. I did the

begging, groveling, raging, letter sending etc. Every

Fail in the book - I've done it. So you did great. Just

keep up with NC.

[NVO]

How could showing affection ever be a bad thing? I've been on this forum for a while and everybody would advice that the moment your ex breaks up with you, you should stand up, walk out the door and never speak to your ex again. Now I really wonder what kind of human being would be capable of this? (With no abusing, cheating, etc., in the relationship of course). Yes, it is probably the perfect scenario but in the heat of the moment, with all that emotions flying around, I truly doubt if the majority of the people are capable of doing this.

 

She broke your heart, maybe she felt the pain too. You hugged and kissed, and it's perfectly normal. I saw a thread around here where people were discussing the fact if it's ok to comfort your ex? Maybe your talking about the same thread, but of course it's ok. You are human, right?

 

When my ex broke up with me, we cried together on the couch. It probably was the first time she saw me cry. When I left we hugged, we kissed. A few weeks later, I went by to talk some things through. My eyes got wet during the conversation and she told me it was okay to cry. So I cried. I can't remember any time in my life that I cried this hard, and I've been through the whole situation of my dad cheating on my mom and the divorce that followed all that crap. I cried my f'ing eyes out while she was holding me.

 

But I don't care, and neither should you. I'm not ashamed of myself for showing my emotions, even if some of the men on this planet would call me a pussy and I should act 'like a man.' Does it ruin your chances? I think TaraMaiden answered your question perfectly. I just wanted to add some things because you are sort of blaming yourself for being human.

Edited September 28, 2015 by NVO

[Draper]

Glad I'm not the only that cried. Hell, looking back, I think the last time I cried before that was way back when my grandfather past, which means I would have only been 10 or 11. We were both crying. She hugged me, and we just sat there for awhile crying into each others shoulders. It was painful. I'm certainly not ashamed for crying - she had never seen me cry, so she knows what it meant to me.

 

I think you handled this like a champ.

[Meli22]

I handled mine well I think. I was the dumper but only because he didn't have the balls to do it. He was the one crying, I wasn't. I just felt incredibly hurt and let down, angry and frustrated. I walked away and that was that.

 

I wouldn't feel bad at all if I were you OP. You did the best you could and you shouldn't feel weak in any way at all. You've done 2 months nc, be proud of that.

[Oregon_Dude]

I'm a little bit the opposite of many of you. After my ex made it clear she wasn't into the r/s anymore, I went completely dark. Silent. Blocked her on FB and didn't respond to any of her baiting texts. Made her feel what I was feeling from her - rejected.

 

So I tend to regret not having done any chasing, etc., if that makes sense. I wonder if I could have "saved" us. However, do I really want to have to do that? She hurt me a lot, and my instinct was to go away entirely for self-protection. Now I know that she probably hates me. But at the same time, this is the first b/u I've had that I feel I am handling with self-worth and self-esteem. I refuse to contact or show weakness. You didn't want to be with me; now you get nothing from me.

 

I hate that it feels like war. I hate that I'm still sad. I hate that she's over me now.

 

Oh well. I'm counting on you, Time..

[NVO]

 

So I tend to regret not having done any chasing, etc., if that makes sense. I wonder if I could have "saved" us. However, do I really want to have to do that? She hurt me a lot, and my instinct was to go away entirely for self-protection. Now I know that she probably hates me. But at the same time, this is the first b/u I've had that I feel I am handling with self-worth and self-esteem. I refuse to contact or show weakness. You didn't want to be with me; now you get nothing from me.

 

It's funny that the people who somewhat begged regret doing that, but you seem to regret not doing anything at all. I wonder what part of us human beings makes us work in these strange ways.

 

But you OD, should not regret anything. Been reading your stories long enough to know that!

[Oregon_Dude]

OD, should not regret anything. Been reading your stories long enough to know that!

Thanks man. I don't know anymore. Are you sure? Sometimes I wonder. I guess I would have rather saved my self-respect than to beg away my dignity. I just don't know. I feel sad about her every day.

[Hell Yeah]

Thanks man. I don't know anymore. Are you sure? Sometimes I wonder. I guess I would have rather saved my self-respect than to beg away my dignity. I just don't know. I feel sad about her every day.

 

hey man missing them is fine, who doesn't miss the people that we opened ourselves up to, conversed and fell for. We would be lying to each other if we didn't

 

But they aren't worth any form of begging, unless your a broken down dog that cannot survive for yourself which you aren't

 

A partner should be next to you not above you, they aren't a passage they should be a co-driver/pilot

 

Feel sad for her that she misses out

[Oregon_Dude]

they aren't worth any form of begging, unless your a broken down dog that cannot survive for yourself which you aren't

 

A partner should be next to you not above you, they aren't a passage they should be a co-driver/pilot

 

Feel sad for her that she misses out

Thanks, yeah I guess I should make clear that I did NOT beg or even ask her to stick around; I respected her decision and got out of her life, immediately. My only regret is not "trying" hard enough, but I did make it clear to her that I didn't want us to end.

 

She did miss out, but people are all the same to her - good if they cater to her needs, bad if they speak up for their own. So I don't think she misses me, probably hates me or doesn't even remember me.

[mightycpa]

It said that the way you handle and conducted yourself with the breakup really goes a long way in 1) how your ex views you and 2) if she has any strong desires to reconcile. Is this true??

1) Yes

and

2) No

 

But mostly, if you two are not in contact, she's pretty much not thinking about you. Your little hug was neither helpful nor hurtful towards your eventual reconciliation. To her, I'm sure it was a sweet "SEE-YAH". You know, like the old movies. That's all.

Edited September 28, 2015 by mightycpa

[BC1980]

I don't know what I was thinking. I really feel like I was so paralyzed and shocked by what was actually going down, that I completely lost all my marbles in my head. What do you guys honestly think??

 

Generally, I think you handled it pretty well. I mean, who here has handled a breakup well every time? Most people are going to be upset and shocked, and you can't hide that. I don't know that most people can really be expected to be unemotional and just walk away. It's easy to say you wish you had done that in hindsight, but it's not realistic when you are in that situation. Especially if the breakup was face to face. That's tough because you can't hide your emotions in that situation. You don't have a script prepared. You're coming in at a disadvantage compared to the dumper.

 

That being said, I think there are definitely things you can do to make the dumper never want you back, but I don't really think there is much you can do to make the dumper want you back. Does that make sense? If you act like a complete fool, get violent, seek revenge, bed and plead for weeks. I mean, yeah, those things are going to repel the dumper and give you no shot at a second chance. But is there anything you can do to get them back? No. They have to want you back, and you can't control that. Even with NC, you can't control that. At best, you can probably make them curious, but you can't make a person genuinely want you back for the long haul.

[Liono84]

Generally, I think you handled it pretty well. I mean, who here has handled a breakup well every time? Most people are going to be upset and shocked, and you can't hide that. I don't know that most people can really be expected to be unemotional and just walk away. It's easy to say you wish you had done that in hindsight, but it's not realistic when you are in that situation. Especially if the breakup was face to face. That's tough because you can't hide your emotions in that situation. You don't have a script prepared. You're coming in at a disadvantage compared to the dumper.

 

That being said, I think there are definitely things you can do to make the dumper never want you back, but I don't really think there is much you can do to make the dumper want you back. Does that make sense? If you act like a complete fool, get violent, seek revenge, bed and plead for weeks. I mean, yeah, those things are going to repel the dumper and give you no shot at a second chance. But is there anything you can do to get them back? No. They have to want you back, and you can't control that. Even with NC, you can't control that. At best, you can probably make them curious, but you can't make a person genuinely want you back for the long haul.

 

 

^^^ This. Those are wise words. Think about it OP, the dumper has been thinking about breaking up for you for awhile. Breakups never come out of nowhere. She's had weeks, maybe even months to think about what exactly to say, how to say it, what careful verbiage to use, what specific order to bring the topics, and to top all that off, she's also thought about what you, as the dumpee, would say in defense, and what her responses are going to be. They've thought about everything. They've covered every angle!!!! Furthermore, the dumper has also mourned the loss during this time period, so she's emotionally checked out, and this prevents them from being emotional during the break-up event. Whereas you, the dumpee, have nothing to prepare for. You're basically in for the most shocking B-O-M-B that's going to be dropped in front of you. No matter what, the dumper will always have the upper hand. It's never a fair playing field, so don't feel to bad.

 

 

I think so long as you give the dumper what he/she wants in the aftermath of the breakup, you are doing a good job. A good job in the sense that you're not F'ing things up more than they can be. It's out of your control at this point, and there is no more right or wrong. You have to move on, accept that it's over and IF they even do come back again, you'll worry about that when the happens. Just don't count on it.

Edited September 28, 2015 by Liono84

[mightycpa]

You don't have a script prepared.

After my first dumping, I prepared a short speech. I only got to use it once, but I was glad I had it.

 

I'd recommend that everybody have one at the ready. You never know when you might need it.

[BC1980]

After my first dumping, I prepared a short speech. I only got to use it once, but I was glad I had it.

 

I'd recommend that everybody have one at the ready. You never know when you might need it.

 

You know, I think I might do that for next time. . . .

[Bo34]

Thanks for all the advice and words of encouragement guys. I truly appreciate it. It's just sometimes, you think if you handled yourself differently in this situation or that, would the outcome be any different? In my case, when I see threads on how it's always best to not display any emotions, to simply just walk away, and then remember how I did the complete opposite in begging, pleading, kissing, last but not least, telling her if she ever happened to change her mind to contact me, I can't help but second guess my actions on that day.

 

Here's the thing that kills me; I just hate thinking that she may be of the belief that she can come back to me and that I'd openly welcome her back at any time... (And the reason why I think she may think that is because of how I poured my heart and tears for her on that day).

 

But you guys are completely right, nothing you do can make a dumper change his/her mind, even if you bow-out gracefully during the breakup and go complete NC. In the end, it's only up to the dumper to want you back.

Edited September 29, 2015 by Bo34

[Draper]

Yeah, man, I mean we all wonder if there's something we could have done but the important thing to remember is that you did the best you could. I often wonder if maybe I went to NC straight after the fact instead a couple weeks later, things would be different. But the end of the day wondering what we could have done won't get us anywhere.

 

The fact is, they walked away on us. You, I, and everyone else who showed emotion and cried did nothing more than show them how much they meant to us. Further, it shows ourselves that we're capable of feeling for someone so deeply that we break down when they go. I don't know about you but personally I don't think i would be the labelled as the crying type, in fact I generally don't have a ton of feelings. But in that moment, I cried my eyes out. There's no shame there, because I lost someone whom I love.

 

Try not to dwell on it. If they come back, cross that bridge when it comes. You can't spend your life wondering what you could have done differently and hoping they come back indefinitely. They made the decision, you made it clear by showing your emotions that it isn't what you want, and it's up to them to come back if they so choose.

 

Stay strong my friend.

[newmoon]

i think it reflects on you as a person and yes, your ex will remember you by how you handle the news and break-up. are they really going to take back a stalker? or someone who calls every day to beg for them back? if you ever want a future shot with someone you need to handle your emotions with maturity. even if there is no potential for a reconciliation, you don't want to be labeled the 'crazy ex.' i think though, that even when you handle a break-up maturely, it's just the nature of love break-ups to talk badly about another person, even if they handle themselves really well. i - thankfully - went out pretty gracefully. i tried the begging thing once and oddly, my ex said to me "is this what you want us to become.. do you think i find this attractive." that put me in my place right quick and i went NC after that forever. lesson learned. be mature

[Truth34]

Been thinking about this a lot lately. The second guessing is as unhealthy as it gets. The thing that we all know, but sometimes forget, is that you will never understand a persons mind. People will do what they do. This quote hit me hard, but it's very pertinent to this thread.

 

"One day you'll be just a memory for some people. Do your best to be a good one."

 

There really is nothing else we can do..

[Bo34]

Yeah, man, I mean we all wonder if there's something we could have done but the important thing to remember is that you did the best you could. I often wonder if maybe I went to NC straight after the fact instead a couple weeks later, things would be different. But the end of the day wondering what we could have done won't get us anywhere.

 

The fact is, they walked away on us. You, I, and everyone else who showed emotion and cried did nothing more than show them how much they meant to us. Further, it shows ourselves that we're capable of feeling for someone so deeply that we break down when they go. I don't know about you but personally I don't think i would be the labelled as the crying type, in fact I generally don't have a ton of feelings. But in that moment, I cried my eyes out. There's no shame there, because I lost someone whom I love.

 

Try not to dwell on it. If they come back, cross that bridge when it comes. You can't spend your life wondering what you could have done differently and hoping they come back indefinitely. They made the decision, you made it clear by showing your emotions that it isn't what you want, and it's up to them to come back if they so choose.

 

Stay strong my friend.

 

Thank you Draper. I appreciate the advice, really I do. Funny you say that, because I'm the same way. I don't show emotion easily with crying, yet somehow that day everything turned upside-down and I lost myself. Truthfully, I thought I was going to marry this woman. Also, and I don't mean to brag or come off this way, but generally, I do well with the ladies. It's not terribly difficult for me to go to a bar, talk to an attractive girl and get a number. But I hate the fact that I'm back out there in the scene, going to bars/lounges and back in social media again. I have no choice but to put myself out there, but part of me hates her for putting me in this boat and when you meet/talk to ppl you're not interested in or are trashy, you just hate what you've lost even more. It's still pretty new, only a few months, but that's how I'm feeling at this stage. I think me being older now, (30) makes it worse too. =/

 

 

 

Been thinking about this a lot lately. The second guessing is as unhealthy as it gets. The thing that we all know, but sometimes forget, is that you will never understand a persons mind. People will do what they do. This quote hit me hard, but it's very pertinent to this thread.

 

"One day you'll be just a memory for some people. Do your best to be a good one."

 

There really is nothing else we can do..

 

Damn, that's pretty deep. It's so true, and sad at the same time because we all thought we would NEVER fall into this category when it came to our ex's. To be just another chapter in their lives...

 

You're right, we can never truly know what the other person is thinking. That's why closure never works when it comes to breakups.

[NVO]

Thanks man. I don't know anymore. Are you sure? Sometimes I wonder. I guess I would have rather saved my self-respect than to beg away my dignity. I just don't know. I feel sad about her every day.

 

Hell yeah I'm sure! You handled things in such a calm and behaved manner, I learned a great deal from your story.

 

Thanks for all the advice and words of encouragement guys. I truly appreciate it. It's just sometimes, you think if you handled yourself differently in this situation or that, would the outcome be any different?

 

Of course, we all do. Let me tell you how guilty I felt after my ex told me I ruined my second chances. It's like someone is breaking up with you twice, kicking you in the curb once again.

 

When I left my ex at the evening of our break-up, we decided that she would figure out her feelings for me (most stupid thing I did) and let me know after two weeks. But I just cracked, it's so damn hard to wait because you get up in the morning with stress and you endure that feeling throughout the day, double checking your phone if she might have send something. It felt like I was getting stringed along by her. After two weeks of texting, trying to find some answers, trying to get her to speak with me once again and explain things, just trying to have a honest and simple conversation, finally having a conversation that allowed me to express my feelings for once, I felt like she just didn't make time for me while I always made time for her problems.

 

So at a Wednesday she agreed to meet up at Sunday, but by the time I got home it just didn't feel right to wait again. I was fed up with waiting. I texted her if she could meet up with me that evening and she declined, had made plans with her friends already. So I exploded, packed her stuff, raced to her house (she was not home), put her stuff in the basement, put the key of her house in the mailbox and send one angry text message when I got home explaining all my feelings. Well, I got blocked after that.

 

We talked about it afterwards, and I apologized. Not that I felt sorry for the text, because I meant every single damn word in there, but for loosing my cool. I'm still not proud of that. She said it was alright, and she would have probably done the same. Well, few days later down the road while we were texting she told me: "You ruined your second chance by doing all those stupid things." This was so hard for me. It's the easiest thing she could have done, to blame me. Again. With hindsight I don't feel sorry anymore, hell I got my right to have my opinion about things. But man, this haunted me for a long, long time.

[Sunshine2016]

Hey guys, so I was reading through a thread yesterday which really got me thinking; It said that the way you handle and conducted yourself with the breakup really goes a long way in how your ex views you and if she has any strong desires to reconcile. Is this true??

 

 

It's been 2 months since I've gone NC with my ex. Since the day she broke up with me I have not contacted her in any way. No calls, texts, emails, blocked every social media etc. But, I really handled myself very poorly when she broke up with me. Aside from the usual begging and pleading I did when she broke up with me in trying to reason with her why it didn't have to end this way and why we could make this work, something else happened which was weird that has lingered with me to this day; At the very end when we said our goodbyes, she reached out and kissed me. Instead of just walking away or stopping it like a man, we kissed. After we kissed, I held her for a good minute. It's something that really bugs me to this day. I regret doing this sooo much because I showed complete weakness as a man. I read somewhere on this forum yesterday that by not walking away and handling myself with respect, I ruined any chance I had of my ex wanting to reconcile because in her eyes, she feels that she can have me back at any time, and that loses any desire for her to do so. To make matters even worse, at the very end I told her if she ever had 2nd doubts to contact me.

 

I don't know what I was thinking. I really feel like I was so paralyzed and shocked by what was actually going down, that I completely lost all my marbles in my head. What do you guys honestly think??

 

Well I'm a woman and in my experience it really makes no difference, except you're violent or do something extremely disturbing like inflicting self-harm etc.

 

Let me share a few experiences with you. I was in a relationship with a guy which officially or first ended a little over two years ago. Thereafter, things regressed into an on-off, ex-with-benefits type of situation, to my detriment. At the time I was desperate to be with him and was willing to accept anything. Well, he kept ''re-breaking up'' with me and traumatised by the constant rejection and psychological damage I did some pretty embarrassing and extreme things, some examples are set out below:

 

a) He blocked me on whats app one day (without warning) and refused to take my calls so what did I do? I drove to his house at about 10pm ( a 30 minute drive) without informing him and started knocking on the door. My ex refused to let me in...you can't imagine how crazy I appeared. I stood there banging on his door for like an hour (I called a mutual friend of ours to call my ex and demand that he lets me in- which he did but my ex STILL refused to let me in). The humiliation and the pain was unbearable/ It was horrible. After about 2 hours of being locked out, I went home (God knows how I was able to drive home without having an accident).

 

2) I saw him at a party and in my inebriated state, I started asking him why/how his feelings could just have changed over night, pleading with him and trying to persuade him to be with me.

 

I could go on, but id like to spare myself some blushes lol. These events happened over the course of a year or so.

 

Well, today, this ex is begging to be with me. He's asked me to move in with him and to marry him! He's been begging to see me and I have never seen him express so much emotion. It's all a shock to me but right now I'm dealing with another situation and I couldn't care less about my ex. I have moved on and I will never give him another chance.

 

So what made him ''come back''? My grovelling and begging certainly didn't and my ''crazy'' reactions to his rejection didn't deter him from seeking reconciliation. I moved on, I stopped being available, I dated other people and I essentially ejected him from my life. I moved on in my heart, in my mind and with my actions. Oh and by the way, at the time (before he came back) he also had a field time dating girls- rubbing it in my face spitefully and doing a lot of horrible things.

 

I think you will also find that time has a way of erasing bad memories especially in the mind of the dumpers. At the time, I NEVER believed he would desire me not to mention coming back and asking me to move in with him etc.

[casey.lives]

I found out my ex was breaking up with me because he was sleeping with a girl in our house. I think the way he handled himself left no room for kindness on my part. I learned a lot about passive aggressiveness and how ineffective and cruel it is, as a way to communicate. And i will definitely steer clear from people who turn to it.