social life, together vs. alone

[deadelvis]

Since I started dating my GF about 6 months ago we've spent pretty much every day together. We almost never go out, partially because she has health issues and isn't really physically able to go out, also we're both in our 30's and not so interested in the bar/club/concert thing. While I do sometimes miss going out with my friends, I'm not going to ditch her at home while I'm out drinking. So I've stopped going out altogether, and we usually just spend Saturday nights alone at the house together. It doesn't bother me much, but I do wish we could go out together sometimes and have a social life. We both agree it would be good to get out of the house more and do social things together, but as her health has been a major issue, I've stopped pushing for "nights on the town" because she isn't really in the condition for that sort of thing. And I'm not the kind of jerk who leaves his sick girlfriend at home while he goes out to party.

 

A couple days ago she started saying she wants to have her own social life and start hanging out with her friends alone. This would seem perfectly normal, if we had been going out and having a social life together, but we haven't. I've never met most of her friends, nor has she met mine. I've always wanted us to go out together, but she's never been physically able to do so, so I opt to stay at home with her. Now that she's feeling able to go out, she's not asking for a social life together, but rather she wants to go out and party without me. My initial feelings on this are like

 

"WTF? I've sat here at home every Saturday night with you because you're too unhealthy to have a social life, and the moment you start feeling healthy, you want to go out alone and ditch me at home?"

 

I have plenty of friends, and I don't have any problem with hanging out with my friends while she's hanging out with her friends, but I found it a bit of a slap in the face that she's finally feeling ready to have a social life, but apparently that means going out alone with her friends, rather than going out together.

 

I've been considering going out with some of my friends alone this weekend (something I haven't done since we first started dating) while she's stuck at home alone. I thought maybe that would remind her that this whole time I've had the option to go out and party without her, but I've been choosing to spend my weekends at home with her. I don't want to ditch her at home while I go out with my friends, but I think it might be good for her to get a taste of what it feels like to be ditched by your partner on a Saturday night.

 

I'm not opposed to us having our own social lives, but considering she's never felt any interest in going out together, I found it a bit of a slap in the face that now she's interested in having a social life, but not a social life together like I'd hoped for.

 

I should also point out that she doesn't work and I'm at work all day. She could totally have friends over to hang out, and have a social life while I'm at work, but she never does, and that's not even what she's suggesting. She want's to start going out to bars/clubs/concerts on the weekend without me, even though we never do those things together. This seems like a bit of a red flag to me. She's never once suggested going out together, now she's wanting to go out alone with her friends all the time and have her own social life.

 

Should this worry me? or should I just embrace the chance to hang out with my friends without her? It seems odd. Why not just go out together? It's a small town. If we both go out with our friends on the same night, it's likely we'll bump into each other at least a couple times anyway. So am I supposed to ask where she's going with her friends so me and my friends can avoid that part of town? It all just seems ridiculous. Why not just invite all of our friends, go out together and have a social life as a couple? We're not single anymore. When I go out with my friends they all bring their GF's...

[clia]

Everything about this seems odd to me.

 

So, you started dating this girl six months ago and now you don't go out with your friends at all anymore? That's not healthy. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't feel guilty for going out with your friends. You should immediately start seeing your friends at least once a week (if not more), even if it is a Saturday night. It's bizarre to me that you think it's acceptable to ditch your friends simply because you are dating someone. Why would you do that? Yes, start going out with your friends again.

 

And she's sitting around at home, not working, and now that she's ready to go out she wants nothing to do without going out with you, but just wants to go out with the girls? That's also strange. It seems like she would want a date night with you. I can understand her wanting to go out with her friends from time to time, but there is a balance. I agree with you that it seems like you could all go out together and meet up at your local bar. Your friends, her friends, everyone. That would be fun, right?

 

I think you should be worried, because it doesn't sound like she's that into you. Are you supporting her financially?

[blackcat777]

What makes you stay with this girl?

 

You've posted many threads about various aspects of your relationship which are a cause for concern.

 

Her troubled past, health problems (which include binge eating... self-harm), hangups about sex...

 

I don't want to seem like I'm coming down on you, but this girl waves a lot of red flags in your face, and yet you stay. Your needs aren't being met and she doesn't seem to care about helping you meet yours. You bend over backwards for her.

 

You deserve respect...

[d0nnivain]

What has worked for us is that for the most part, weekends are date nights, reserved for each other with limited exceptions. During the week we both are members of social groups that the other is not, for me they are predominantly professional although I do still get together with alumnae groups from my sorority. For him they are patriotically based -- American Legion, Marine Corps League, Freemasons etc.

 

 

Her desire to "dump" you after all this time is a bit strange & unsettling. I'd explore her motives more.

[deadelvis]

...So, you started dating this girl six months ago and now you don't go out with your friends at all anymore? That's not healthy. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't feel guilty for going out with your friends. You should immediately start seeing your friends at least once a week (if not more), even if it is a Saturday night. It's bizarre to me that you think it's acceptable to ditch your friends simply because you are dating someone. Why would you do that? Yes, start going out with your friends again.

 

And she's sitting around at home, not working, and now that she's ready to go out she wants nothing to do without going out with you, but just wants to go out with the girls? That's also strange. It seems like she would want a date night with you. I can understand her wanting to go out with her friends from time to time, but there is a balance. I agree with you that it seems like you could all go out together and meet up at your local bar. Your friends, her friends, everyone. That would be fun, right?

 

I think you should be worried, because it doesn't sound like she's that into you. Are you supporting her financially?

 

Yes, I support her financially. I agree that I need to start going out with my friends again. We were so caught up in our relationship and spending time together that I just lost interest in hanging out with my friends. I honestly just like being around her, and when we're together I never find myself wanting to be around anyone else. I'm happy just hanging out with her. For a while we were having people over once a month for drinks and BarBQ's but that's slowed down lately.

 

She really loves me. But she just wants to have a life outside of the relationship I guess. She doesn't work so she's just at home alone all day and I guess that must get boring. I don't know why she never has friends over while I'm at work.

 

I lived in extreme isolation for several years before we started dating and moved into an apartment together. I was living way out in the woods alone like some kind of mountain man. During that time I learned the difference between loneliness and solitude. I'm more than happy to hang out with just her, or alone. But I guess I need to start seeing my friends again...

 

We do go out on dates a lot. But it's just the two of us. We never go out with other people or go to social events. It's always been "table for two"...

 

What makes you stay with this girl?

 

You've posted many threads about various aspects of your relationship which are a cause for concern.

 

Her troubled past, health problems (which include binge eating... self-harm), hangups about sex...

 

I don't want to seem like I'm coming down on you, but this girl waves a lot of red flags in your face, and yet you stay. Your needs aren't being met and she doesn't seem to care about helping you meet yours. You bend over backwards for her.

 

You deserve respect...

 

I agree. But it's a unique situation. We are head over heels in love. But she has some major physical, sexual and mental health problems. So I have been doing a lot of bending over backwards. But I wouldn't be doing all this if she wasn't worth it. We have such an amazing connection. It's really unbelievable. If you could see how much we love each other it would make more sense. We're so in love. Neither of us has ever been in love like this. It's powerful and overwhelming. And she's been getting better about respecting the boundaries of our relationship. She honestly didn't seem to have any concept of how to be in a normal relationship. In the past she had nothing but dysfunctional relationships or weird open relationships with creepy swinger guys, and it sometimes it seems like she just doesn't understand how to be in a normal relationship. But she's been trying harder and doing better at being a "normal girlfriend". It's been challenging. But she really is worth it.

 

What has worked for us is that for the most part, weekends are date nights, reserved for each other with limited exceptions. During the week we both are members of social groups that the other is not, for me they are predominantly professional although I do still get together with alumnae groups from my sorority. For him they are patriotically based -- American Legion, Marine Corps League, Freemasons etc.

 

 

Her desire to "dump" you after all this time is a bit strange & unsettling. I'd explore her motives more.

 

Agreed. I'm going to start spending more time working on my various projects and hobbies. I do want to have more of a social life together, but I suppose I should start doing my own thing more often. As I mentioned above, we do go out on many dates, but it's always just the two of us. And when either of us has to do something alone (work, etc.) we spend the whole time incessantly texting each other.

 

But I was a bit startled by her desire to ditch me at home and go out with her friends. I was like "umm... can I come too?"

[autumnnight]

I think that a woman having some healthy same sex friendships can be a good thing.

 

However, for committed couples, especially married couples, I think that most of their recreation and quality time should be spent with each other. Even if they want to expand their social circle, I think doing it with other pro-marriage or commitment couples is best.

 

There's a marriage/relationship writer who says that spending all of our most enjoyable times together builds intimacy and interdependence, and I agree with him. That is why I am not a big fan of women having these drunken girls nights out and such. I like to have lunch with female friends, maybe go to dinner every once in awhile. But I think it is best for a serious relationship/marriage for the best of my time to be given to him.

[deadelvis]

I tend to agree.

 

Having a social life together with other couples is healthy.

Going out drinking alone with your (same gender) single friends is ok sometimes.

Going out drinking alone with your (opposite gender) single friends is not a good idea.

 

But even those guidelines can be vague. Last time we had "game night" at our house with a few other couples, one of the married men made a pass at my GF while they were outside smoking and I was inside the house making drinks for everyone. WTF? Even in our own house, with me and his wife 10 feet away he's making inappropriate moves on my GF? Really? She waited till everyone left to tell me about it because she knows I would have beat the **** out of him in front of everyone.

[MidwestUSA]

First post: "we almost never go out"

 

Later: "we do go out on dates a lot"

 

Honestly, every one of your threads here regarding your gf, and there are plenty considering you've only been with her six months, is full of contradictions.

 

I'm honestly confused.

[deadelvis]

First post: "we almost never go out"

 

Later: "we do go out on dates a lot"

 

Honestly, every one of your threads here regarding your gf, and there are plenty considering you've only been with her six months, is full of contradictions.

 

I'm honestly confused.

 

To clarify again. (isn't this obvious? maybe I word things poorly?)

 

We go out to dinner, movies etc. But always just the two of us. No outside interactions with others. "Table for two"

 

When I say "going out" I mean going out on a Friday or Saturday night to bars, clubs, concerts etc. Having a social life, being around other people, drinking, socializing, etc.

 

Our "dates" are just the two of us, no outside interaction. So that hardly qualifies as "going out". Its no different than making dinner at home and watching a movie on the couch except we eat at a restaurant and watch a movie in a theater. But it's always just the two of us.

[MidwestUSA]

To clarify again. (isn't this obvious? maybe I word things poorly?)

 

We go out to dinner, movies etc. But always just the two of us. No outside interactions with others. "Table for two"

 

When I say "going out" I mean going out on a Friday or Saturday night to bars, clubs, concerts etc. Having a social life, being around other people, drinking, socializing, etc.

 

Our "dates" are just the two of us, no outside interaction. So that hardly qualifies as "going out". Its no different than making dinner at home and watching a movie on the couch except we eat at a restaurant and watch a movie in a theater. But it's always just the two of us.

 

Well, it wasn't obvious to me, because I consider going out on dates to be 'going out'. But if you don't, that's fine. I don't go out to do things I can do at home.

[Gloria25]

First post: "we almost never go out"

 

Later: "we do go out on dates a lot"

 

Honestly, every one of your threads here regarding your gf, and there are plenty considering you've only been with her six months, is full of contradictions.

 

I'm honestly confused.

 

Well, some people get defensive and that can explain why initially they post that they have a problem - then all of a sudden it gets "resolved" on its own.

 

Look, IMO, this chick is bad news. This thread is just another example of it.

 

I mean, she has a checkered past - which includes prostitution (exchange of sex for money)...You're supporting her financially (another exchange of sex/time spent for money) and when it comes to hanging with you socially she's got health issues, but wants to hang on her own with her own crew w/o you.

 

Dude, really?

 

Yes, I'm all for couples having separate friends/interests - but like autumnnight posted, it shouldn't take the place of shared activities between the couple. Sounds like your gf - at the first instance of "better health" prefers to spend that social time on her own instead of with you and IMO, my SO would be my first priority.

[Gloria25]

To clarify again. (isn't this obvious? maybe I word things poorly?)

 

We go out to dinner, movies etc. But always just the two of us. No outside interactions with others. "Table for two"

 

When I say "going out" I mean going out on a Friday or Saturday night to bars, clubs, concerts etc. Having a social life, being around other people, drinking, socializing, etc.

 

Our "dates" are just the two of us, no outside interaction. So that hardly qualifies as "going out". Its no different than making dinner at home and watching a movie on the couch except we eat at a restaurant and watch a movie in a theater. But it's always just the two of us.

 

BTW, gotta be weary of people who go out with you and only go to certain places and/or not make you part of their social circles.

 

The Town Ho? Who years ago was messing with a guy I was seeing? She told him that if anyone asks, please tell them that she and him were "just friends" cuz she didn't want people gossiping about them.

 

Wait one second? Gossiping about what? If he's the only guy you're seeing - who cares what they talk about you two - quite frankly, the main thing normal people do IS introduce the person they are "dating" as someone they are "dating" - not just a friend.

 

Well, she had a lot of "friends" who were soooo nice to shower her with "gifts", that she just didn't know what to do with their generosity cuz she didn't want to lead them on

 

So yes, if someone only meets you at a part of town and/or place where they know no one else can really see you two, and/or doesn't want to make you part of their social circles and/or doesn't want to announce to anyone the dating status of you two - I say you got some red, red, flags....