The Disappearing Man? I'm baffled.

[GrandRail]

I'm 21, and was in a committed relationship with a 26 year old these last six months. I've always been bent on focusing on my education and turned down romantic opportunities when they came, so he is my first boyfriend. We mutually decided to break up about a month ago, not because of any issues between us, just because of circumstances. I was supposed to go teach Japanese in Barbados for two months during summer and then finish up Chinese language and business studies in Beijing during the fall. He, on the other hand, was planning to go back to the army and then finish his education, a plan that got delayed when health problems occurred suddenly and started causing him a lot of distress. I remember running to his house to check if he was okay and heading to the hospital with him a couple times because things got so bad. While neither of us was quite willing to give up the relationship, it was relatively new and we both thought it would get lost and be hard to maintain in the flurry of events and compiling issues that were assaulting both of us. We decided we should just focus on dealing with everything going on while being there for one another, encouraging one another, and then pick up where we left off in December. We were still chatting very frequently like best friends, consulting each other, and I made efforts to make a trip back to visit him and support him in his health issues. Despite no longer being in an official relationship, except for the title our comradery and way of speaking to each other hadn't altered. We never once called each other exs. Neither of us really took the break up as an end, just a hiatus.

 

Amidst all of this, he was throwing around the love word after two weeks, even after we broke up. How much he loved me, cared for me, and all this other moving stuff. Maybe because I've inherited my father's sentiments and don't believe it's possible to be in love that quickly, even if there are strong feelings, I would simply thank him, tell him I truly appreciated his words, that they meant a lot, and that I cared for him, and felt I was falling for him. I didn't want to say 'I love you' lightly without being sure that was 100% the case, especially not in such a short time. I reassured him I liked him even after we broke up, and that he had no reason to doubt that. As far as I was concerned, his care and consideration on a regular basis backed that he felt as strongly as I did. I started falling for him hard.

 

We've had sporadic problems with contact in the past. He would make plans and then say he couldn't make it last minute 40% of the time. After we'd been dating a couple months he started to lag with phone communication when I was in Barbados too. While I'm a pretty chill person, I'd still make a point to mention these two issues and communicate my worries about them every once in a while to ensure mutual respect between us and try to be mature about the issue. He claimed his phone has been having problems the last few months, but on all other fronts except communication he was fantastic, warm, and a real gentleman so I didn't take the communication issue too seriously amidst all his other virtues. But I'm seriously shocked and confused right now by the disappearing man scenario that has suddenly emerged. For the last three weeks he hasn't contacted me once. For at least four days before that, I could not get through to him at all, nor did he return even one of my calls. Before if we didn't speak for two-three days when it was unusual, I worried something had happened with his health and would get scared as it was a legitimate possibility. This time, I know it's not. We both are Facebook friends and he has been on consistently during this period among other reasons I'm sure he's fine. I have not contacted him either these last three weeks. I have a pretty high level of pride, esteem, and confidence, I'm ashamed to admit, and it's becoming difficult for me to interpret whether my thoughts on this matter are legitimate or just the immature conclusions of a 21 year old. The logical side of me is saying, 'Don't ever call someone who doesn't want to talk to you. Why would you even want to call someone who has disappeared on you? You can't be that important to him or he would call. Don't waste your time. Anyone who would do this to you isn't worth it anyways. Especially some who'd do this after saying they loved you. You two aren't even in a relationship anymore so he probably just got tired of you and ditched you.' But the other side of me, the one that's been falling in love, is sitting here thinking that we've never been in a single argument, that we were consistently warm to each other, were talking about the future even up to the day he disappeared, and reaffirming we both liked each other every day. I don't know what to think. Deep down, I'm also wondering if this means we're really over now. Though we'd broken up, we hadn't really broken up. But while I feel there is a pretty good chance he's definitely going to pop back up in a few weeks or months(I'm still abroad for two more months) and call, I don't know how I should handle it when it happens. I've done my fair share of crying and angry thinking over this issue since I was really falling for him, but I'm very calm now. I just know deep down that if I act like this isn't a big deal and take him back whenever he turns up it's setting a bad precedent by rewarding him for bad behavior and disrespecting myself. That depresses me and makes me think we're over, and if I really respect myself I really have to shut him down whenever he shows up again, even though I'm not angry anymore, and even though we have no real bad memories between the two of us. But here again, I don't know if I'm just being too prideful and immature, or if my thinking is on target after all. This hurts a lot. I've been taking up new sports, activities, friends, and everything else to distract myself from thoughts of him and focus on becoming the best women I can and finishing off school strong with a job. Even so, my fingers are itching to pick up my phone and call him.

 

Sorry this is so long. I guess I have a few questions. Why do you think he pulled the disappearing man act? Did something I do play some part in this outcome and is there anything I should have done differently so I don't make this same mistake in the future? Should I call him? Are we really over? If he does call me again, which I feel is pretty likely based on our good history, how the heck am I supposed to act? I am baffled about this all and in real pain. At night when there's nothing else to distract me, I just cry. How do I forget him? Where do I go from here?

Edited September 28, 2015 by GrandRail

[louxor]

He could have cut contact for many reasons, but I personally don't think it matters why. The fact of the matter is for a while before your relationship had been on choppy waters so for all you know, he may have woken up one day and decided he cannot do it anymore. Sure, if this is the case the right thing to do would have been to tell you, but some people are cowardly and don't think about the other person's feelings when they themselves are hurting.

 

My suggestion would be to keep doing what you're doing and resist that urge to contact him. Keep working on yourself, your friends, sport, schooling and with time you will look back on the relationship and realise you two were just not meant for each other. I'm currently going through a breakup where nothing bad happened, the feelings like dissipated on one side - it's hard to deal with (being the one who's feelings had not gone), but once you begin to realise that there's nothing wrong with two people no longer being compatible and that it's just a factor of life, it becomes a lot easier to deal with.

[mightycpa]

He pulled the disappearing man act because you're thousands of miles away, surrounded by water, and you're going to go even farther away. It's easier that way than dealing with all the emotional crap of a formal breakup.

 

I'd also point out that your reluctance to engage in mutual lovey-dovey talk probably sent a message that he took to heart.

 

The good news is that LDR's rarely work out, and so you have probably just skipped to the end early. My best advice is to keep moving, and not give it too much thought.

 

Something you said interested me more than your tale of woe:

 

I've inherited my father's sentiments and don't believe it's possible to be in love that quickly, even if there are strong feelings

You need to fix that false belief, and I'm going to help you. You can distinguish between being "in love" and "real love". "Real love" takes time. You have to know the person, appreciate them for who they are, warts and all. In your eyes, the good must far outweigh the bad.

 

But "in love"? That can be born the instant you lay eyes on somebody. It is a feeling that doesn't last, sometimes a few weeks, other times a couple of years. But it is an introductory mechanism, a reason for you to get to know somebody. Maybe if you do, you both will fall in real love. It is somewhat improbable, yet it happens all the time.

 

So let that be a lesson to you. Don't resist your feelings... if you tell a new man you love him, it's not a commitment forever - that comes later. It's a measure of how you feel right now. Don't be afraid of that.

[Shock148]

I'm 21, and was in a committed relationship with a 26 year old these last six months. I've always been bent on focusing on my education and turned down romantic opportunities when they came, so he is my first boyfriend. We mutually decided to break up about a month ago, not because of any issues between us, just because of circumstances. I was supposed to go teach Japanese in Barbados for two months during summer and then finish up Chinese language and business studies in Beijing during the fall. He, on the other hand, was planning to go back to the army and then finish his education, a plan that got delayed when health problems occurred suddenly and started causing him a lot of distress. I remember running to his house to check if he was okay and heading to the hospital with him a couple times because things got so bad. While neither of us was quite willing to give up the relationship, it was relatively new and we both thought it would get lost and be hard to maintain in the flurry of events and compiling issues that were assaulting both of us. We decided we should just focus on dealing with everything going on while being there for one another, encouraging one another, and then pick up where we left off in December. We were still chatting very frequently like best friends, consulting each other, and I made efforts to make a trip back to visit him and support him in his health issues. Despite no longer being in an official relationship, except for the title our comradery and way of speaking to each other hadn't altered. We never once called each other exs. Neither of us really took the break up as an end, just a hiatus.

 

Amidst all of this, he was throwing around the love word after two weeks, even after we broke up. How much he loved me, cared for me, and all this other moving stuff. Maybe because I've inherited my father's sentiments and don't believe it's possible to be in love that quickly, even if there are strong feelings, I would simply thank him, tell him I truly appreciated his words, that they meant a lot, and that I cared for him, and felt I was falling for him. I didn't want to say 'I love you' lightly without being sure that was 100% the case, especially not in such a short time. I reassured him I liked him even after we broke up, and that he had no reason to doubt that. As far as I was concerned, his care and consideration on a regular basis backed that he felt as strongly as I did. I started falling for him hard.

 

We've had sporadic problems with contact in the past. He would make plans and then say he couldn't make it last minute 40% of the time. After we'd been dating a couple months he started to lag with phone communication when I was in Barbados too. While I'm a pretty chill person, I'd still make a point to mention these two issues and communicate my worries about them every once in a while to ensure mutual respect between us and try to be mature about the issue. He claimed his phone has been having problems the last few months, but on all other fronts except communication he was fantastic, warm, and a real gentleman so I didn't take the communication issue too seriously amidst all his other virtues. But I'm seriously shocked and confused right now by the disappearing man scenario that has suddenly emerged. For the last three weeks he hasn't contacted me once. For at least four days before that, I could not get through to him at all, nor did he return even one of my calls. Before if we didn't speak for two-three days when it was unusual, I worried something had happened with his health and would get scared as it was a legitimate possibility. This time, I know it's not. We both are Facebook friends and he has been on consistently during this period among other reasons I'm sure he's fine. I have not contacted him either these last three weeks. I have a pretty high level of pride, esteem, and confidence, I'm ashamed to admit, and it's becoming difficult for me to interpret whether my thoughts on this matter are legitimate or just the immature conclusions of a 21 year old. The logical side of me is saying, 'Don't ever call someone who doesn't want to talk to you. Why would you even want to call someone who has disappeared on you? You can't be that important to him or he would call. Don't waste your time. Anyone who would do this to you isn't worth it anyways. Especially some who'd do this after saying they loved you. You two aren't even in a relationship anymore so he probably just got tired of you and ditched you.' But the other side of me, the one that's been falling in love, is sitting here thinking that we've never been in a single argument, that we were consistently warm to each other, were talking about the future even up to the day he disappeared, and reaffirming we both liked each other every day. I don't know what to think. Deep down, I'm also wondering if this means we're really over now. Though we'd broken up, we hadn't really broken up. But while I feel there is a pretty good chance he's definitely going to pop back up in a few weeks or months(I'm still abroad for two more months) and call, I don't know how I should handle it when it happens. I've done my fair share of crying and angry thinking over this issue since I was really falling for him, but I'm very calm now. I just know deep down that if I act like this isn't a big deal and take him back whenever he turns up it's setting a bad precedent by rewarding him for bad behavior and disrespecting myself. That depresses me and makes me think we're over, and if I really respect myself I really have to shut him down whenever he shows up again, even though I'm not angry anymore, and even though we have no real bad memories between the two of us. But here again, I don't know if I'm just being too prideful and immature, or if my thinking is on target after all. This hurts a lot. I've been taking up new sports, activities, friends, and everything else to distract myself from thoughts of him and focus on becoming the best women I can and finishing off school strong with a job. Even so, my fingers are itching to pick up my phone and call him.

 

Sorry this is so long. I guess I have a few questions. Why do you think he pulled the disappearing man act? Did something I do play some part in this outcome and is there anything I should have done differently so I don't make this same mistake in the future? Should I call him? Are we really over? If he does call me again, which I feel is pretty likely based on our good history, how the heck am I supposed to act? I am baffled about this all and in real pain. At night when there's nothing else to distract me, I just cry. How do I forget him? Where do I go from here?

 

Sounds to me like it is over. If a man disappears after you call/text him and it has been 3 weeks since the last time you talked? That means its over. He probably found another woman who he is dating or at least getting to know. Long distant relationship rarely ever work out but the fact of the matter is that you two are not in a relationship. He is doing nothing wrong by not contacting you because he does not have to. Words are just words and actions speak louder than words. His actions tells me that he doesn't feel what he used to feel for you anymore or that he has found another person for him to invest time in. The only thing you can honestly do is either send him 1 final message stating if he has found someone or if his feelings for you have diminished and if he tells you no then confront him on why he does not contact you anymore. This is the only thing you can honestly do. If he does not respond to that then that just shows you it is over and you need to start the healing process by moving on.

 

Your attitude of having your father's sentiment is also bad. While I agree with most of it, it does hurt when a person tells you they love you and you just say thank you. I mean, if you really didn't love him back then say so because you are just getting to know him better, but if you truly felt like you did love him, just say it. He probably took it to heart when he spilled his heart out to you and your response was "thanks I care about you too."

Edited September 29, 2015 by Shock148

[GrandRail]

At the time he first said it, we had only known each other two weeks, and I thought there was no way we knew each other fully enough, had experienced enough together and gotten to know each other's character and qualities enough to feel long-lasting and real love. I admitted to him I was falling for him. I think you all are absolutely right though. I can see how that could fall flat. I can see how hurt he could be having said he loved me and not gotten that response in return. I won't make this mistake in the future and lose someone who meant so much to me. Thank you for all of your input and help everyone. I really appreciate the advice.

[GrandRail]

I think it's pretty crazy it happened so soon after me posting here, but he called me today. Just said hi like nothing had happened and started asking me about how I've been and everything else. I didn't know how to react and fell back into our normal pace, and then couldn't help but ask what had happened. He gave me as legit an excuse as any I guess, about how he switched phone plans in a two week duration and then in that last week didn't want to look bad by bothering me frequently when he knew I was out enjoying myself and experiencing China. He said he didn't think it would be a big deal we hadn't talked in a while because we aren't technically in a relationship anymore and I'm usually occupied running about doing things and keeping busy. When he realized it had upset me, he said he was sorry and it wasn't his intent to hurt me and then apologized quite profusely.

 

I just admitted I loved him right then and there, and I'm pretty sure I surprised him. He said he loves me too, and we both ended up talking for a few hours since he didn't want to get off the phone and even insisted on skipping an appointment to keep talking. I don't know what to make of this. How believable is his reason for going MIA? I know I want to take it at face-value because I like him, but I'm trying to be realistic. I'm worried about the chances we can work out when I'm still gone two-three months, especially after the advice you all have been great enough to give me.