Great boyfriend but...

[Tearex]

I've been going out with this guy for a little over a month. He has a sweet personality, treats me with respect, all that good stuff. The only thing that keeps me from really feeling this guy (and I feel like a major jerk for saying this) is he dresses like he's still in high school. By that, I mean that he dresses only in black (heavy metal band T-shirts and black pants, black socks, and black chucks). He's a good-looking guy--he can even rock the long-hair look, but I feel a little insecure when I'm in public with this guy because I know people are staring at us.

 

I feel bad because he accepts me for the way I look but I can't get past his heavy metal wardrobe. I know that makes me sound shallow but heavy metal is not my thing. When I first met him he was returning from a party and he was wearing a blue button down shirt over a white one and a pair of blue jeans. After he asked me out the following week, he wore a similar outfit. Afterwards, it was all black and gothed out clothes.

 

This guy is great, and seriously the only thing that I can't get used to is the clothes. I understand we've only been seeing each other for a month a couple weeks now so I'm still being wary of any red flags but so far I see none. I am attracted to him and I feel awful about thinking how I want to change him (really just his wardrobe). He doesn't want to change my style nor would I like him to say I should wear different clothes because I too like my style.

 

My question is, what should I do? Should I give it more time to see if I can accept his style? Should I buy him a shirt next time I'm shopping for myself and just be like 'blue's your favorite color so I thought you might like this shirt'? I don't want to break up with him; I really do like him. I just feel that someone who is almost 30 should probably dress better... Not in torn up black jeans and black metal tees. Any suggestions?

[deadelvis]

I dress similarly. All black, black chucks, black socks. etc. My closet is all black inside. My GF made comments when we were dating about my clothes and wanting me to dress differently, so I started dressing more preppy. She likes it. I guess I'm actually getting more used to it. If things get serious he should be willing to change his look. But use tact when discussing it.

Edited September 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PaperCrane]

I used to dress that way primarily, and if I'm going to a show or to the bars or whatever, yeah I'll still rock that.

 

For some people, that's what they like. He's happy dressing that way. That's him.

 

He knows how to dress well too. I normally wear a button down with jeans and some brown leathers on the bottom.

 

If he's 30 and dresses this way. Well...don't expect him to change. Either accept how he is, as that is attached to all the good things he gives to you as well, or cut him loose because you're too interested in what clothes he is wearing instead of getting him out of them and into bed at 6 weeks.

[pteromom]

I would try being positive. When you are just chilling and relaxed with him, say "I was just thinking about that outfit you wore on our first date... you looked really sexy."

 

Then - let it go.

 

I bet he wears it again.

 

When he does, show him affection, tell him he looks nice, and flirt with him.

 

If he asks you if you have a problem with the goth look, just tell him that the other clothes are much more attractive on him and more grown up.

 

And again - let it go. Let any change he makes be his decision.

[PaperCrane]

I would try being positive. When you are just chilling and relaxed with him, say "I was just thinking about that outfit you wore on our first date... you looked really sexy."

 

Then - let it go.

 

I bet he wears it again.

 

When he does, show him affection, tell him he looks nice, and flirt with him.

 

If he asks you if you have a problem with the goth look, just tell him that the other clothes are much more attractive on him and more grown up.

 

And again - let it go. Let any change he makes be his decision.

 

I wouldn't use that bit. I know using a **** sandwich technique with sex to back it up can work, but insinuating that he's a child can backfire with his ego to the extent that he may take it very very poorly.

[Tearex]

I used to dress that way primarily, and if I'm going to a show or to the bars or whatever, yeah I'll still rock that.

 

See, that's fine and totally appropriate given the setting.

 

For some people, that's what they like. He's happy dressing that way. That's him.

 

That's why I feel like such an ***hole for bringing it up. He doesn't try to change me. The only thing he does is share his music with me and hope I like some of it.

 

He knows how to dress well too. I normally wear a button down with jeans and some brown leathers on the bottom.

 

Lol, well that's good. Some variation can be nice. My boyfriend doesn't own a pair of brown leathers nor has he worn the jeans since the first time I met him.

 

If he's 30 and dresses this way. Well...don't expect him to change. Either accept how he is, as that is attached to all the good things he gives to you as well, or cut him loose because you're too interested in what clothes he is wearing instead of getting him out of them and into bed at 6 weeks.

 

Erm... hehh... Yeah, we already do it like rabbits. And the sex is really good too. He's definitely a giver and I really appreciate that. Usually I'm the one bending over backwards to satisfy my guy so it's nice having someone who reciprocates on a similar level. Gr... That's why this whole thing is so stupid to me. I wish I could just get over the dumb wardrobe thing because obviously what we have is something good. Thanks for your advice, PaperCrane, I'll try to let go of the whole thing.

 

I would try being positive. When you are just chilling and relaxed with him, say "I was just thinking about that outfit you wore on our first date... you looked really sexy."

 

Then - let it go.

 

I bet he wears it again.

 

When he does, show him affection, tell him he looks nice, and flirt with him.

 

If he asks you if you have a problem with the goth look, just tell him that the other clothes are much more attractive on him and more grown up.

 

And again - let it go. Let any change he makes be his decision.

 

Thanks for the reply, pteromom. Here's something that's painfully obvious about me: I'm a terrible flirt and when I'm up to something it is so apparent; it's embarrassing. He'd know right away. He's extremely well at reading people. And I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings if he knows the truth. But you're right, any change he makes has to be his decision and what it comes down to is me letting go. Because it's not even his problem; it's mine. And a stupid shallow one at that. He did say that "metal" is a part of who he is...

[Ruby Slippers]

I think this is going to be tough. If you bring it up, he's likely to get defensive, as it will probably feel like an attack on his judgment, who he is. The clothes we choose to wear say a lot about us. He dresses like a laid-back metalhead because that's who is. So you can suggest he change the way he dresses, but it's very possible he'll get defensive about it.

 

I think the best you can do is politely hint and suggest, and see how he responds to that. Then see if you can deal with it or not.

[Got it]

Most important question, is this a hill worth dying on?

[pteromom]

He did say that "metal" is a part of who he is...

 

That's fine, but if you find him attractive in his other clothes, you can tell him that too. It's not as if you are asking him to give up who he is.

 

And this isn't something you can say to him, but it's also possible to move beyond teen clothing and keep your metal roots. There's nothing wrong with belts, boots, accessories, and tattoos that keep you tied to who you are. You can look like an edgy adult rather than someone who has never learned how to dress.

[salparadise]

I'm going to disagree with the majority here. I don't think it's hopeless, and I don't think it's a "none of your biznus" item either.

 

He was dressed conventionally when you first met him, and again on the first date. So he does have other clothes, and wears them occasionally without having to be prompted, apparently. So he knows that the goth/metal look is not universally appealing. And since he's almost 30, so he may be on the verge of adopting a more mature look anyway.

 

I think that if you give him a few clues and gentle suggestions he may be quite willing to make changes. And if not sweeping changes, he might be willing to dress the way you prefer when you're together.

 

There have been times when I realized that I needed to upgrade the wardrobe, and whenever a woman I'm interested in has complimented my clothes I pay attention and try to wear what they've said I look good in. Sometimes I realize it's a personal preference, and sometimes I take it as good general advice. I like to be attractive for the woman I'm seeing and willing to make changes without being offended.

 

The trick is to just be tactful. For example, next time you're going out you could say, "would you mind wearing the jeans and button down shirt that you wore the first time we met?" And when he does, tell him he looks good! If at some point he asks, "you don't like my goth look do you," just say, "well, I like the hot you in your button-down" and don't act like it's a big deal.

[newmoon]

what was he wearing when he asked you out? the clothing you're describing seems like his interests/lifestyle and that must have been cool with you to agree to dating. he seems to be expressing his interests via clothes. don't you do the same with each outfit you pick? maybe he secretly hates how you dress and isn't saying anything. accept people for who they are and don't try to change them. find another guy who dresses the way you want if this is an issue for you. i believe you must be quite young for this to even be a dating concern.

[Tearex]

I think this is going to be tough. If you bring it up, he's likely to get defensive, as it will probably feel like an attack on his judgment, who he is. The clothes we choose to wear say a lot about us. He dresses like a laid-back metalhead because that's who is. So you can suggest he change the way he dresses, but it's very possible he'll get defensive about it.

 

I think the best you can do is politely hint and suggest, and see how he responds to that. Then see if you can deal with it or not.

 

Thanks for the advice, Ruby Slippers! I do believe being polite is the way to go. It's as you said, he may be offended. I want to avoid that. I don't want to change him as a person at all; I very much like his personality and wonderful manners.

 

That's fine, but if you find him attractive in his other clothes, you can tell him that too. It's not as if you are asking him to give up who he is.

 

And this isn't something you can say to him, but it's also possible to move beyond teen clothing and keep your metal roots. There's nothing wrong with belts, boots, accessories, and tattoos that keep you tied to who you are. You can look like an edgy adult rather than someone who has never learned how to dress.

 

Very true, pteromom. I definitely agree that you can still be an edgy adult and express yourself in a multitude of ways. Thanks for the advice! I'll remember it.

 

Most important question, is this a hill worth dying on?

 

Absolutely not.

 

I'm going to disagree with the majority here. I don't think it's hopeless, and I don't think it's a "none of your biznus" item either.

 

He was dressed conventionally when you first met him, and again on the first date. So he does have other clothes, and wears them occasionally without having to be prompted, apparently. So he knows that the goth/metal look is not universally appealing. And since he's almost 30, so he may be on the verge of adopting a more mature look anyway.

 

I think that if you give him a few clues and gentle suggestions he may be quite willing to make changes. And if not sweeping changes, he might be willing to dress the way you prefer when you're together.

 

There have been times when I realized that I needed to upgrade the wardrobe, and whenever a woman I'm interested in has complimented my clothes I pay attention and try to wear what they've said I look good in. Sometimes I realize it's a personal preference, and sometimes I take it as good general advice. I like to be attractive for the woman I'm seeing and willing to make changes without being offended.

 

The trick is to just be tactful. For example, next time you're going out you could say, "would you mind wearing the jeans and button down shirt that you wore the first time we met?" And when he does, tell him he looks good! If at some point he asks, "you don't like my goth look do you," just say, "well, I like the hot you in your button-down" and don't act like it's a big deal.

 

This is very optimistic and brings me some hope. Thank you for sharing these words with me. I can't see myself asking him to dress a certain way but giving subtle suggestions could help. I don't expect him to dress the way I do at all. Nor am I wanting him to make a huge 360 and trade in his whole wardrobe. Maybe I'll try what you said and tell him how sharp he looked in the button-down.

 

what was he wearing when he asked you out? the clothing you're describing seems like his interests/lifestyle and that must have been cool with you to agree to dating. he seems to be expressing his interests via clothes. don't you do the same with each outfit you pick? maybe he secretly hates how you dress and isn't saying anything. accept people for who they are and don't try to change them. find another guy who dresses the way you want if this is an issue for you. i believe you must be quite young for this to even be a dating concern.

 

He asked me out via text so I can't say. I don't really express my interests in my clothes for the exception of a comic book shirt or my only Beatles shirt that I have. Primarily I wear dresses and skirts every day. Hmm... He's only said positive things about my outfits and typically compliments me on them too. I don't think he would lie to me, though it's totally possible he could secretly hate my style. I don't know. I don't want to change him. I'd love it if I could just flip this on-switch and get past it so I can admire him in his entirety. I guess I'm kind of young--28.

 

I dress similarly. All black, black chucks, black socks. etc. My closet is all black inside. My GF made comments when we were dating about my clothes and wanting me to dress differently, so I started dressing more preppy. She likes it. I guess I'm actually getting more used to it. If things get serious he should be willing to change his look. But use tact when discussing it.

 

Very sorry! I did not see your post until now. Did your gf make you feel insulted when she asked you to change your style?

Edited September 29, 2015 by Tearex

[edgygirl]

I'm into goth underground guys and I get the need to feel part of the tribe. BUT... As a grown up, even though I admire the looks, I know you can't be wearing that s*** all the time. It looks teenagery.

 

I've had dated guys who would wear only t-shirts of whatever tribe they were into, or dress like Zuckerberg on his early hoody days. What I did was slowly suggest something that would still have the same motif, but be more grown up - as in black buttoned down shirts ie, and hint to them that it looks more grown up / respectable / professional / attractive (to you).

 

When going to a show or a pub or running in the park, it still can make sense to be wearing goth/metal/whatever shirts. But not as a default dating outfit.

 

They were grateful for that to be honest, as they were so used to be wearing their heart (cultural preference) on their sleeve, that they didn't realize how people and women were perceiving them.

 

All this being said, that's why I prefer to date people who like goth stuff -- they'd get it when I dress like that to go out to certain parties. It's a little surprising he's dating you, metal guys are usually into metal girls.

[Tearex]

It's a little surprising he's dating you, metal guys are usually into metal girls.

 

I also wondered why he didn't date someone more like himself. But past the clothing, we share several interests--mainly nerd stuff like books, comics, cartoons, video games, and movies. So there's that. Also, I can tell he has a very loving heart and a gentle nature that I deeply appreciate. I'm definitely glad that I know him. He's truly the first guy I've been able to click with in a long time. He's guileless and straightforward--no games or bull**** (thus far anyway lol).

Edited September 29, 2015 by Tearex

[Michelle ma Belle]

I feel your pain.

 

My last partner was a horrible dresser and straight up admitted it right from the beginning of our relationship. If he could live in his baggy jeans and old band t-shirts day in and day out he'd be a happy camper.

 

Initially I struggled with his "look" mainly when we were out together. I'm no fashionista but I do know style both women's and men. I like nice things and nice clothes and really enjoy making myself up when I go out not only for my partner but also for myself.

 

So I took it upon myself to dress him I started small. I would buy him pieces of clothing I thought he would look good in and made sure he knew how good he looked in whatever I got him. Eventually he stopped buying clothes on his own and only purchased them with me. He didn't always approve of my choices for him but we always found a good compromise. His look improved immensely over the years even if it was only when we were out together. He still got to keep his grubby jeans and ripped t-shirts and whatever else made him look like a frat boy and I got to see him get his swag on when it really counted.

 

The trick is never to insult his look particularly since his look is often an expression of who he is or what's important to him. It's about respecting his individuality but working together to meet in the middle whenever possible. We all want to look good and have our partners find us attractive, right?

 

Slow and steady compromise is the way to go.

 

Good luck.

[Got it]

Well if it's not a hill to die on then let it go. You can tell him what clothes you like him wearing but drop it after that. It is a part of who he is, his identity and accept it for that. Don't try and change him. Love him for who he is and appreciate his individuality.

 

And stop caring what strangers may think. Why even pay attention to them?

[ManyDissapoint]

He checks all boxes except this one superficial one. Let it go.

 

Personally while I do have some variety in my wardrobe, clothes are not a high priority for me, and I would resent my girlfriend if she tried to change that part of me. Any hints you drop, or clothes you buy to nudge him in the direction you want, are passive aggressive manipulation tactics (albeit for a relatively innocuous problem) which if he has his wits about him and a backbone will realize and resent.

 

You should not care what other people think. Besides, he will in all likelihood eventually change his wardrobe on his own.

 

EDIT: He might ask you for your help / opinion on it then, that's the time to act.

Edited September 29, 2015 by ManyDissapoint

[Tearex]

Lots of people are bringing up that clothes are a part of who he is as in it's a part of his identity. After thinking on that, I find that hard to be true. How can clothes define a person? Yes, he broadcasts his favorite bands with his clothes but take it a step further you're really saying the bands make up who he is. How do those bands mold him into the gentle, kind-hearted person that he is? It's something that he likes. I like rabbits and if someone tells me they do not like rabbits, I'm not gonna take it personally as an extension of who I am. "They don't like rabbits so they must not like me." Rabbits don't define me.

 

I get the whole accepting him for who he is though. That's entirely logical to me and a healthy thing to practice towards all beings and situations. I suppose the goth clothes are just something that I feel should've been tossed out a long time ago. Like my purple corduroy overalls and gelly shoes...

[Got it]

Lots of people are bringing up that clothes are a part of who he is as in it's a part of his identity. After thinking on that, I find that hard to be true. How can clothes define a person? Yes, he broadcasts his favorite bands with his clothes but take it a step further you're really saying the bands make up who he is. How do those bands mold him into the gentle, kind-hearted person that he is? It's something that he likes. I like rabbits and if someone tells me they do not like rabbits, I'm not gonna take it personally as an extension of who I am. "They don't like rabbits so they must not like me." Rabbits don't define me.

 

I get the whole accepting him for who he is though. That's entirely logical to me and a healthy thing to practice towards all beings and situations. I suppose the goth clothes are just something that I feel should've been tossed out a long time ago. Like my purple corduroy overalls and gelly shoes...

 

Obviously image is important to you as you want him to look a certain way. His image, and what it is saying, is important to him and he likes the message it is saying. The music is important to him and so he is showcasing it. How is that hard to understand?

 

If you want a UVA prep boy with a sweater tied around his shoulders, and that is your major focal point than go find that guy. Wanting to change this guy is wrong. He is fine just the way he is.

[Tearex]

Obviously image is important to you as you want him to look a certain way. His image, and what it is saying, is important to him and he likes the message it is saying. The music is important to him and so he is showcasing it. How is that hard to understand?

 

If you want a UVA prep boy with a sweater tied around his shoulders, and that is your major focal point than go find that guy. Wanting to change this guy is wrong. He is fine just the way he is.

 

None of that is difficult to understand. I'm saying that connecting the two is meaningless because it's simply untrue. He likes music. His message is "I like this kind of music. Music is important to me." Well okay then. It's an interest. If he was robbed of his shirt, he'd still be himself. It doesn't define him nor do his clothes.

 

It seems to me that I need to detach myself from the situation and not think about it.

[Keenly]

Are you dating the man or the clothes he chooses to wear?

[salparadise]

Lots of people are bringing up that clothes are a part of who he is as in it's a part of his identity.

 

I get the whole accepting him for who he is though. That's entirely logical to me and a healthy thing to practice towards all beings and situations. I suppose the goth clothes are just something that I feel should've been tossed out a long time ago. Like my purple corduroy overalls and gelly shoes...

 

I think this is a good, balanced approach, and I commend you for being able to see the gray area when so many are declaring it to be black and white.

 

Clothes do define you in other people's eyes, and in certain contexts. That's why it's so important to dress properly for job interviews, etc. But after the interview you go home and change... does that mean you changed into a different person? Of course not, you just changed clothes... still the same person.

 

Clothes are also an expression of identity, and sometimes they are used to try and identify with a certain in-group. When I was in college everyone who was considered "cool" had long hair; headbands or hats; faded, patched, bellbottom jeans; boots or sandals; blousy, print shirts; and facial hair. The clothes were a statement about lifestyle, politics, and so forth that seemed important in our teens and early twenties. Then we graduated and went on to get jobs in the real world, and guess what... we grew up and identified with different groups, and we adopted different wardrobes. Change happens.

 

I do think it's interesting how certain identities seem to lock onto some people. I live in the east, a thousand miles from Texas, and there are mature men in this area who identify as cowboys, yes- wrangler jeans, Lucchese boots, Stetson hats, pearl button shirts, and huge belt buckles... and dually pickup trucks. These guys are in that groove for life; never going to dress any other way. There is even a church dedicated to this group, not surprisingly called "Cowboy Church." They are so niche, so different, and so fixed that they cannot attend a regular church without looking like character from a 50s B movie.

 

My guess is that your goth guy is actually ready to grow up and start fitting into the real world, like most of the hippies decades ago. If that's the case, you can certainly help facilitate the metamorphosis. But if by some chance he turns out to be fixed in time like an east coast cowboy... you might want to think about how that's going to feel 5-10-20 years from now.

 

He doesn't paint his fingernails black does he?

[Tearex]

Are you dating the man or the clothes he chooses to wear?

 

Thank you for this. You bring the most important perspective with your words. It's really something that I must let go.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I've been going out with this guy for a little over a month. He has a sweet personality, treats me with respect, all that good stuff. The only thing that keeps me from really feeling this guy (and I feel like a major jerk for saying this) is he dresses like he's still in high school.

 

 

I dress like I'm still in high school too!

 

It's just... well, I didn't hang out with Mike Damone in high school.

 

 

So is it the high school attire? OR the fact that your guy was Mike Damone, that has you on edge?

 

 

I still have a few shirts I got while in high school that I actually wear... (even one that was on me in a yearbook candid photo)

 

and thirty was a helluva long time ago.

[Tearex]

I think this is a good, balanced approach, and I commend you for being able to see the gray area when so many are declaring it to be black and white.

 

Clothes do define you in other people's eyes, and in certain contexts. That's why it's so important to dress properly for job interviews, etc. But after the interview you go home and change... does that mean you changed into a different person? Of course not, you just changed clothes... still the same person.

 

Clothes are also an expression of identity, and sometimes they are used to try and identify with a certain in-group. When I was in college everyone who was considered "cool" had long hair; headbands or hats; faded, patched, bellbottom jeans; boots or sandals; blousy, print shirts; and facial hair. The clothes were a statement about lifestyle, politics, and so forth that seemed important in our teens and early twenties. Then we graduated and went on to get jobs in the real world, and guess what... we grew up and identified with different groups, and we adopted different wardrobes. Change happens.

 

I do think it's interesting how certain identities seem to lock onto some people. I live in the east, a thousand miles from Texas, and there are mature men in this area who identify as cowboys, yes- wrangler jeans, Lucchese boots, Stetson hats, pearl button shirts, and huge belt buckles... and dually pickup trucks. These guys are in that groove for life; never going to dress any other way. There is even a church dedicated to this group, not surprisingly called "Cowboy Church." They are so niche, so different, and so fixed that they cannot attend a regular church without looking like character from a 50s B movie.

 

My guess is that your goth guy is actually ready to grow up and start fitting into the real world, like most of the hippies decades ago. If that's the case, you can certainly help facilitate the metamorphosis. But if by some chance he turns out to be fixed in time like an east coast cowboy... you might want to think about how that's going to feel 5-10-20 years from now.

 

He doesn't paint his fingernails black does he?

 

Thank you, salparadise. Haha! And thanks for sharing the interesting cowboy story. It's amazing how little subcultures can take off like that. That Cowboy Church bit was great, haha! I want to see this place now.

 

As for the bf, he may be ready but he may not. He's announced that he likes being "weird" and "different." Very sound advice about how that might make me feel years later. I really wish I could detach myself from these feelings and simply let it go.

 

No, he doesn't paint his nails black

 

I dress like I'm still in high school too!

 

It's just... well, I didn't hang out with Mike Damone in high school.

 

 

So is it the high school attire? OR the fact that your guy was Mike Damone, that has you on edge?

 

 

I still have a few shirts I got while in high school that I actually wear... (even one that was on me in a yearbook candid photo)

 

and thirty was a helluva long time ago.

 

Hi, SincereOnlineGuy! Sorry, I don't know who Mike Damone is... I Googled the name but I haven't seen the movie this character is in.