TheBarnacle Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 i wanted to share my situation, feedback is appreciated -- and when i say feedback, i mean support, compassion, advice, understanding i was with a wonderful woman for about 5 years. 2 years ago, she up and moved for a job 1000 miles away. at the time, i was in a big-time funkified depression over my own lack of direction (sucky career, unfinished schooling, etc.) and decided i wasn't going to move with her at first. a few months into that LDR crap, she ended it. wasn't really a surprise i guess, or shouldn't have been. looking back, our relationship had been tanking due to my lack of participation (which i attribute solely to the depression, which i've since resolved thank you). we once had such a great and meaningful relationship, i never really knew how much my funk had effected her. so, though i can understand how/why it ended, i still WAS pretty surprised...and obviously crushed. i spent the next several months getting my act together. regrouping. i can truthfully say she did me a favor in a way, that experience jolted me out of my stupor and i got my life on track. still, i missed her. anyway, while i was getting the REST of my life together, i wasn't concerned with relationships of the romantic kind. i started hanging out with a woman i knew. friendship at first....then eventually, we were intimate, etc. but, it was strictly casual from my end. she knew what was going on in my life. after a few months of that, i broke it off to try to reconcile with my g/f. g/f and i talked, started to reconnect, were going to try to make it work. we both wanted it -- though, at this point, i was a stubborn ass trying to be hard, i was hurt still so i probably didn't communicate all she still meant to me. after a few months of "trying", g/f said she couldn't do it anymore. i hadn't done my part, and i stupidly acted hard ("i'm getting my OWN life on track, if that's not good for you, oh well" -- that sort of thing). hurt, lonely, spurned, i got a call from the replacement chick. i went over, and continued what WE had done the previous summer. i felt so guilty, like i had cheated on g/f, even though i suppose it wasn't really. but...i ended up backing into this relationship with the new woman, a substitute to fill the void of g/f. now, i recognize i'm weak, and yes, i made this mess, but....i ended up staying with new g/f for about 15 months. i now know i'm THAT afraid of being alone. so...jump ahead to a week ago. i ended it with new g/f, wasn't going to marry her. it was hard, but i finally wanted to do right by myself. 2 days ago, old g/f stopped by. she was in the area for work. we talked. and i was struck by how many unresolved feelings i still had for her. naive? sure. but...man...i sort of feel like i'm only NOW starting to try to get over her, even though our relationship ended 2 years ago. i obviously havn't handled this in the best way for me (or them perhaps). just sharing to get it off my chest. lessons learned: decide whether you want to stay or want to go. stick to your decision (for those of you who've been dumped, the decision is really made for you, but you can chose to stick to NO CONTACT). do NOT simply replace the void and pain with a new relationship. heal yourself, be ok by yourself. yes, this last one should've been something i learned long ago...but i didn't. ah well....thanks for 'listening'.
laRubiaBonita Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 maybe you feel indebted to your Original GF (the ex), since you say she helped snapp you out of your depression. But it has been 2 years, she does not even share a town with you, much less any part of her life. She has most likely moved on, probably over a year ago. Be greatful to her in your heart, and go make a good life for yourself, return the favor to her that way....not by trying to win her back. Good Luck.
Author TheBarnacle Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita maybe you feel indebted to your Original GF (the ex), since you say she helped snapp you out of your depression. you know, that's a very good point, lRB. in fact, similarly, i know i feel some guilt even b/c the last few months we were together, i was pretty non-participatory in our relationship. i know i wasn't the partner she deserved then. i feel bad that it took her LEAVING to snap me out of my funk. but.... i guess in many many ways, i DO feel i owe her much. thanks, lRB.
Author TheBarnacle Posted May 20, 2005 Author Posted May 20, 2005 hmmm, not sure why, but my conviction is wavering this morning. seem to be less sure, wondering if i'm doing the right thing, regretting my decision(s)....some. any love out there? could use some support today.
ameshal Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 Hey Barnacle, Im going to give you some of the advice you gave me. I would say since you guys had what was obviously a mature and committed relationship there is no reason you cant talk to her about it. Probe to see if there are any residual feelings there on her end. Even after two years, its possible that she still has lingering feelings for you. If its evident that she has moved on, then you have your answer. If not, then you guys have much to discuss. Either way, you will have your answer, and you will be able to move forward. I wish you the best! Ash
Author TheBarnacle Posted May 20, 2005 Author Posted May 20, 2005 Thanks, Ash.... it is funny sometimes how we're able to GIVE advice we don't necessarily follow ourselves. i suppose we KNOW what to do, but it's helpful to hear some confirmation. in these times, doubt is often our biggest enemy. and you're right, there is some exploring i need to do -- of myself and that relationship. thanks!
ameshal Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 You're very welcome. I agree completely with you that its easy to dish out the advice, but when we try to apply it to ourselves, it becomes obfuscated and less clear. I think I have additional exploring I may need to do as well. I dont want to be proud to the point where my input may have saved something that is/was special. I am rooting for you and I hope you post how things go. Ash
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