RoxStar Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Ok so I am not a beauty queen but I am not a hideous looking creature either. So here is my question... My now ex is hanging out with his ex and I have seen this girl. I politely describe her as plain but she is not attractive. All my friends that have seen the two of them together again have commented on how night and day she and I are, how nasty and trashy (not sexy trashy but trailer park trasy) this chick is and I just dont get it. I dont think my friends are just trying to make me feel better either because they just arent the kind of people that do that. I am not interested in getting back with my ex but I just wonder in general why guys go from a pretty good thing to not so hot (in the beauty dept as well as the person as a whole). I know beauty is much further then the outside image trust me I know that. But I have so much more to offer then this chick. I am smart, educated, independent, fun, funny, friendly... She is loud and obnoxious (kinda like JANICE from FRIENDS that CHANDLER used to date but like out of a trailer park), I have heard that she is somewhat of a basket case with a little drama queen mixed in and somewhat demanding and to top it off unattractive. Her husband that she has filed for divorce from is in a Halfway house, she has two little kids and tons of baggage here. I am just struggling with trying to understand why he is with her again. I know I shouldnt care and shouldnt think about it but I wonder why in general guys do this. One of my friends that is married to his best friend said that he said there is no spark with her but he keeps hanging out her. I guess someone asked if they slept together yet and the answer was no and that one night they were making out and it was a chore to make out with her and he said he didnt even get the wood... SO why I ask.... Plus I have heard that since he has been with her he has had more depression and anxiety then ever before. What is the point in any of this I wonder?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Because for whatever reason, she evokes an emotional reaction within him that on some level he needs to feel and keeps going back to in order to get his fix? Its hard to say, really. I know I've been in that boat before. I was addicted to a really horrible scuz of a guy for a long time. He was sleazy and dishonest but for some reason - being with him brought up something inside myself that at the time for whatever reason, I needed to feel and he was the only person who evoked that response. I eventually worked him out of my system, but for a while - not even the promise of a good, decent relationship would stop me from returning back to him. Maybe its the same for this guy? Its sort of like crack I guess. Crackheads aren't going to sit there and tell you how enriching and wonderful crack has made their lives, but they will tell you they can't live without it... maybe she is his 'crack'.
TheBarnacle Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Because for whatever reason, she evokes an emotional reaction within him that on some level he needs to feel and keeps going back to in order to get his fix? Its hard to say, really. I know I've been in that boat before. I was addicted to a really horrible scuz of a guy for a long time. He was sleazy and dishonest but for some reason - being with him brought up something inside myself that at the time for whatever reason, I needed to feel and he was the only person who evoked that response. yah, that seems to be my take on these things. although, i don't know that i'd quite equate love (or feelings of love) to crack. but it may be as addicting. don't sweat it too much, rox. if you're not interested in being with this guy, start looking for the guy who DOES recognize the great catch you are.
Treasa Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Just because you don't think she's attractive doesn't mean other people don't. Despite what you say about your friends, I wouldn't think any of them WOULD say, "Yeah, she's hot." Friends of yours just subconsciously wouldn't think that. Not many girls would think my boyfriend is attractive, but everytime I'm with him I just want to suck face and, uh, do other things. I'm wildly attracted to him. For the record, his ex is cute. I repeatedly see women (and men) coming here saying, "My ex went back to his ex, but she's so ugly, so I don't see why he would." Again, it's your opinion. Besides, if he's your ex, why should you care?
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale its all about the chemistry ROXIE. That's what I was gonna say. That and SEX.
blind_otter Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 You can never get inside someone else's head in regards to that kind of situation. Your best bet is to stop wondering because honestly, you'll never get a satisfying answer. Chemistry, as ALPHA said, is intangible. Some people have it, an electric current that runs between them like lightning, inexplicable and unnoticed by others. Some people don't. Some people like to be like a dog that returns to its own vomit. The world is a weird place.
Author RoxStar Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale its all about the chemistry ROXIE. True and he and I had major chemistry and he has said he has no spark with her so what gives? He said he cant be himself around her. He has more anxiety and depression now. I just dont get it. Its sort of like crack I guess. Crackheads aren't going to sit there and tell you how enriching and wonderful crack has made their lives, but they will tell you they can't live without it... maybe she is his 'crack' This could be very true LB. I just dont get it though. I guess she is in a way his crack. Maybe it makes him feel the way he did 8 years ago when they were together. Just because you don't think she's attractive doesn't mean other people don't. Despite what you say about your friends, I wouldn't think any of them WOULD say, "Yeah, she's hot." Friends of yours just subconsciously wouldn't think that. Not many girls would think my boyfriend is attractive, but everytime I'm with him I just want to suck face and, uh, do other things. I'm wildly attracted to him. For the record, his ex is cute. I repeatedly see women (and men) coming here saying, "My ex went back to his ex, but she's so ugly, so I don't see why he would." Again, it's your opinion. Besides, if he's your ex, why should you care? Trust me - my friends would be the first to say... shes pretty if she was and would not be just trying to make me feel better. We dont sugar coat anything. They have a tendency to be brutally harsh.
Author RoxStar Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup That's what I was gonna say. That and SEX. They have "supposedly" not had sex and has said that making out with her was a chore. Not for nothing... he used to brag about our sexlife from time to time with the guys... not in a bad way either. He was very complimentary and said things with out revealing detail. I just dont think thats it. Plus they had issues with sex when they were together 8 years ago. Apparently she doesnt like sex that much and when they lived together she would never give it up.
blind_otter Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 It may be a good idea just to stop paying attention to his life and get on with yours. NC and all that. It's a good thing, really. I promise. If you try it, it will work. And you won't obsess about what he's doing with whom and why because honestly, since you are broken up, it's not really your business.
Jadey Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Its not about looks. And as stated before wot you think is ugly may be beautiful to him and others. Sorry i know its not wot yu want to hear but it is the truth! It is about a spark. My ex bf isnt gorgeous, hes attractive, but wouldnt be seen as gorgeous, but to ME he is. To me hes Brad Pitt, ya know? Because i love him and theres such a spark and he releases al these feelings i dont care about other guys , nomatter how hot they are. There is a guy interested in me at the moment and hes probably better looking than my ex. But im not interested. And its probably the same case for your ex, a spark. Sorry but im not really buying all the talk about kissing her being a chore etc. Who told you he said this?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Its also deeper than just a 'spark' or 'chemistry' or a good lay - it wasn't that this guy A. in my case was amazing in bed, or super-hot and I sure as hell wasn't in love with him... but there was this intangible something that kept me addicted to him. It was something inside myself that I needed him to feed into. At that time, I felt he was the only person who could feed into it and indeed he was. In time, whatever that 'something' was - I grew out of it, and had no problem leaving him and my addiction to him far behind me. I think that whatever this girl is to him, regardless of the sex - regardless of the chemistry - regardless of the drama... he feels she feeds some need in him, or else he'd leave her. As long as he harbors whatever it is inside himself that he has for her, no amount of 'good' love, or awesome sex, or security, or anything positive will keep him from going back to her, or at the very least wanting to. Nor will any negative external actions on her part keep him away... He may well grow out of it one day. But until then, there's little you can do but watch him ride out his storm.
Illusion24 Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Because maybe he's trashy and baggage too...That's what he probably feels like, so being with her makes him feel better and realizes he's not that bad...Just a thought!
laRubiaBonita Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar They have "supposedly" not had sex and has said that making out with her was a chore. Not for nothing... he used to brag about our sexlife from time to time with the guys... not in a bad way either. He was very complimentary and said things with out revealing detail. I just dont think thats it. Plus they had issues with sex when they were together 8 years ago. Apparently she doesnt like sex that much and when they lived together she would never give it up. and you believe this from a guy you really Do not seem to know right now? and why are you still in contact with him?
Jadey Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 I would listhen to LucreziaBorgia. I think shes got it spot on
Author RoxStar Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Its also deeper than just a 'spark' or 'chemistry' or a good lay - it wasn't that this guy A. in my case was amazing in bed, or super-hot and I sure as hell wasn't in love with him... but there was this intangible something that kept me addicted to him. It was something inside myself that I needed him to feed into. At that time, I felt he was the only person who could feed into it and indeed he was. In time, whatever that 'something' was - I grew out of it, and had no problem leaving him and my addiction to him far behind me. I think that whatever this girl is to him, regardless of the sex - regardless of the chemistry - regardless of the drama... he feels she feeds some need in him, or else he'd leave her. As long as he harbors whatever it is inside himself that he has for her, no amount of 'good' love, or awesome sex, or security, or anything positive will keep him from going back to her, or at the very least wanting to. Nor will any negative external actions on her part keep him away... He may well grow out of it one day. But until then, there's little you can do but watch him ride out his storm. I would have to agree with this. I appreciate the feedback. I know a lot of people think its spark or chemistry or sex but I will tell you that he said there is no spark and he doesnt feel like he can be himself and that he doesnt get hard being around her. I guess I am just trying to figure it all out to give myself some piece of mind. I dont know if that makes sense or not but knowing why he is doing what he is doing makes it a little easier to grasp when there isnt the ambiguous question of WHY. But then on the other hand I was wondering in general why guys do this sort of thing and I guess the consensus was that it is chemistry or spark and again I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and what one person deems attractive another may not. Thanks everyone...
Author RoxStar Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita and you believe this from a guy you really Do not seem to know right now? and why are you still in contact with him? I am not talking with him. This information came from a source close to him. My friend is married to his best friend. I guess he told his friends they havent slept together and he told his friends there is no spark etc... he doesnt get the wood from her... he cant be himself around her and so on... so I guess I believe it since its come from a fairly reliable source.
laRubiaBonita Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar I am not talking with him. This information came from a source close to him. My friend is married to his best friend. I guess he told his friends they havent slept together and he told his friends there is no spark etc... he doesnt get the wood from her... he cant be himself around her and so on... so I guess I believe it since its come from a fairly reliable source. but WHY why why why why do you even listen to reports on him. STOP IT!!!!!!!
Jadey Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 guess the consensus was that it is chemistry or spark and again I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and what one person deems attractive another may not. Yup, and thats basically your answer! Keep smiling
Author RoxStar Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita but WHY why why why why do you even listen to reports on him. STOP IT!!!!!!! Honestly I think part of the source is trying to get us to reconsile so we can all hang out again and I think they feel like if they tell me what he is up to I will want to be with him again. I know its a complicated situation but we had a very tight knit group of friends that always did everything together. Especially 4 of us... my ex, me, his best friend and my friend who also happens to be the best friends wife. (We met at their wedding) So I think this break has had a profound effect on a lot of people social lives and some people are wanting it to be like old times. My friend and her husband have a number of problems themselves and hanging out with my ex and I kind of diffused that. So they tell me what is going on with out my asking. Needless to say I am not torturing myself with this stuff. More of a curiosity and piece of mind thing. Its like LucreziaBorgia said... a crack addict isnt going to tell you how great their life is now that they are on it but they will tell you they cant live without it. Its not about sex with them or spark or chemistry because they dont have it... but there is something that evokes an emotion in him and maybe to him its a way of feeling like he did when he was 28 who knows. I dont want him back. I dont even want to be his friend. He has called me and I have talked to him reluctantly but I am moving on.
laRubiaBonita Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar Honestly I think part of the source is trying to get us to reconsile so we can all hang out again and I think they feel like if they tell me what he is up to I will want to be with him again. i was gonna say , your sorce is biased, as much as they may or may not know it. Originally posted by RoxStar I dont want him back. I dont even want to be his friend. He has called me and I have talked to him reluctantly but I am moving on. so remeber this! write in on your phone, mirror, put in on paper and keep it in your pocket.
outdated Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar Honestly I think part of the source is trying to get us to reconsile so we can all hang out again and I think they feel like if they tell me what he is up to I will want to be with him again. I know its a complicated situation but we had a very tight knit group of friends that always did everything together. Especially 4 of us... my ex, me, his best friend and my friend who also happens to be the best friends wife. (We met at their wedding) So I think this break has had a profound effect on a lot of people social lives and some people are wanting it to be like old times. My friend and her husband have a number of problems themselves and hanging out with my ex and I kind of diffused that. So they tell me what is going on with out my asking. I dont want him back. I dont even want to be his friend. He has called me and I have talked to him reluctantly but I am moving on. Sometimes one of the harder people to lose isn't your ex, but the friends you gained through that ex that you can't see anymore! It's good that you've decided to move on. For a while I thought I'd never move on, but the last few days I've been feeling really good. Meeting new people. Last week I met three girls named Megan. Good thing that won't get confusing. I've been told through mutual friends that my ex has been having a harder time getting past it then I am and she dumped me. We shared many good friends that I won in the seperation. I know she hates that even though I've told her that we're not a package deal. Go figure. I realized that part of me wants her back, but on the other hand I know I can replace her, and I'm not even sure I can relate to her anymore. I wonder if you feel the same way, Roxstar, and have found it just easier to say good bye for good.
sarah12 Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Rox, I understand how you feel the need for an answer as to why he is with her, and not you. It's true though that you'll never get an answer from him, and even though you say you are moving on, you will never truly be able to until you figure out the answers for yourself and your piece of mind. I had trouble with this myself until I realized that I was spending way too much time thinking about someone that already had someone else. But I forced myself to see them together (we had mutual friends) and acknowledge the fact that they were now together and that I am not a part of their relationship. What they do is their business, and I had to let them be (on top of showing them in public how happy I was on my own!). Once I acknowledged their relationship, I then had to accept it and mentally convince myself that there would be no hope for a future relationship for me and this guy. This was probably the hardest part because I knew that he wasn't happy, but I had to accept it. I constantly questioned myself and all of our friends about why on earth he would want to be with someone who made him less happy than I did?? But you have to realize that it doesn't matter what I or you or any of our friends think, because he is with her, and doesn't seem to be leaving any time soon, end of story. I know it sounds like all of that happened in a matter of weeks, but it's taken me about 1.5 years to get to this point, and I am about 200% better than I was a year ago. It takes ALOT of self-esteem, confidence, and self-convincing/positive thinking, plus a group of amazing friends to get to this point. Also, as mean as it sounds, it helps to think about how miserable he must be with her. In fact, I just ran into his gf/former ex a few hours ago at lunch and she can't help but stare at me/stare down at me, and so I know it irks her to know that I still exist and still exist in her bf's life. But after all this time and the work I've done on myself to think positively and let go of the thoughts and feelings about the situation, I've realized that I can't let her bother me so, I really couldn't care less about her.
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