Emotional connection? Was it real or fake (rebound)

[TexasAgs]

Met this girl who had been out of a three year relationship for 4 months. Had great chemistry and strong physical attraction from both sides. After a few weeks of getting to know each other, she tells me her heart is not in a good place right now; her ex of 3 years called recently (who she broke it off with) wanted to work things out.

 

Anyways I tell her my intentions/ express my romantic interest and we continue forward. We continue getting to know each other- we would go on walks / get coffee and talk for 5+ hours 3 nights a week. We both have work at 7am yet we still stay out until 2 am on work nights because we have some sort of incredible connection. We both invested some serious time into each other. (No I wasn't a shoulder to cry on aka an emotional tampon). We truly connected on an emotional level, it was incredible.

 

This girl tells me things no one knows about her and vice versa, she says we have "some sort of connection she's never felt before". Told her 2 months later, I don't want to date someone who is only 50% team Me and 50% team ex bf. You gotta make a choice or I'm going to have split and I won't be able to hang around as friends.

 

She ends up choosing the Ex bf of 3 years over me. My question is, what do I do? Was this connection real or an artifact of the void space left by an old relationship. Do I continue being friends with her?

 

Thanks folks I'm really hurting right now

[SSJROMANCE]

Met this girl who had been out of a three year relationship for 4 months. Had great chemistry and strong physical attraction from both sides. After a few weeks of getting to know each other, she tells me her heart is not in a good place right now; her ex of 3 years called recently (who she broke it off with) wanted to work things out.

 

Anyways I tell her my intentions/ express my romantic interest and we continue forward. We continue getting to know each other- we would go on walks / get coffee and talk for 5+ hours 3 nights a week. We both have work at 7am yet we still stay out until 2 am on work nights because we have some sort of incredible connection. We both invested some serious time into each other. (No I wasn't a shoulder to cry on aka an emotional tampon). We truly connected on an emotional level, it was incredible.

 

This girl tells me things no one knows about her and vice versa, she says we have "some sort of connection she's never felt before". Told her 2 months later, I don't want to date someone who is only 50% team Me and 50% team ex bf. You gotta make a choice or I'm going to have split and I won't be able to hang around as friends.

 

She ends up choosing the Ex bf of 3 years over me. My question is, what do I do? Was this connection real or an artifact of the void space left by an old relationship. Do I continue being friends with her?

 

Thanks folks I'm really hurting right now

 

 

It's tough leaving a relationship with all that time invested and I would have to believe that was why she choose the ex. But stick around. She may find that it's the same old thing and jump into your arms.

[drseuss]

im in the same boat as you , my ex got with me strait away ( it actualy had a small overlap ) but she just couldnt get over the 12 years she had with her ex so we broke up afer 10 months and it really hurt, it still does 2 months on but is a lot better

 

the advice i would give you is try not to live in hope she will be back as that has been the thing that hasnt let me move on as quickly as i would have liked and i still battle with it today , of course you could say it didnt work the first time around so it wont work the second but you just dont know ,

 

stay in nc and try your best to move on , if she does come back thats great but if not you havnet lost out , at the end of the day you are not her first choice so if she does come back can you live knowing you were second best ?

[WisingUp]

Going through exactly same thing...

I had a short but intense relationship with a guy until his ex of 5 months found out he was seeing someone and reappeared.

I have told him that he has to try again with his ex to get it out of his system one way or another.

It really has been a rollercoaster of emotions since the ex appeared back on the scene and I ended up having to make the decision for him eventually for mine & his sanity..he said he was in love with us both but had history with her so was torn between us both.

I couldnt have had a relationship with him knowing he was still possibly in love with her.

It hurts like hell right now and knowing it was the right thing to do is no consolation

Only time will tell if it works out between them

[Samuel_22]

well...

To begin with I am in the same situation..I was with a girl whom I really loved for 6 months and then all of a sudden the ex showed up, and she said she wouldn't want to continue... she did not tell me why she decided to leave at first, she just said, she could not give 100% of her feelings, seems familiar? she told me she might come back and she might even consider marrying me, she said she felt really calm around me, I handled it like a pro back then until the next week when I texted her and she said, she had got back to an ex.... I left the doors open, I felt devastated for weeks post break up here I am on day 47 of no contact...

What Should We Do?

Focus on what is instead of what will...If you focus on what will happen? that will crush your bones, the thought of checking your cellphone every minute, in hope of getting the good news, will bring toughest human beings to their knees...Implement NC... let things go the way they are supposed to go, her ex is her ex for a reason, so chances are they will go through the same old problems, and she might come back! yes it is in the bag....

How much is it going to take?

Technically speaking, exes' reconciliation will last for 14 weeks (almost 3 months) in accordance with a research they carried out, 90% of exes who reconcile break up again, since the majority of them break up due to internal problems rather than external problems, that is what happened to my girl too they lasted for only 1 and half months... and the boy dumped her again, BUT, even if they break up today that does not mean they will come back to you any time soon, they need to heal, just look at us, Dr seuss is on somehow 60th day of NC and I am on day 46th day of NC and what do we want? we want them to come back, we have had a lot of chances to move on but because we can't get over them, we are unwilling to move on as well, for them? it is the same thing, they will need at least 2 months or even more to consider moving on, and yet they might feel you won't accept them, or they might feel they might hinder their pride by contacting you, or they may find someone else, so they might not contact you at all... so it will take up to 6 months, and they might not even want to come back... so make sure to leave the doors open properly, and don't make any mistakes along the path, and you will have some about 30-35% chance of getting back together...

What will be the outcome if they come back?

The chances of survival and rekindling romance with this person is slim to none, there are a lot of reasons for my saying that, since you have your bags from the previous relationship with her, you don't trust her, you don't know what she is up to, and all the thing you are gonna do is to wait for the day she texts you again and says she can't continue... simply put, the relationship will not work like the first time, it will never blossom, you will subconsciously put her under scrutiny, and she won't want this, finally she will understand you don't trust her and will leave again

The other outcome is her ex shows up again, and since we people are not their 1st best but their 2nd best they will leave again.... so slim to none is what I will vote for...

Now what?

Nothing...simply put, work on yourself, don't try to move on because you will compare people with your ex, and this will make you more frustrated, try to earn more, try to become your better you, in 6 months, I wager you will find someone better, that when she comes back, you won't want to reconcile.... if after 6 months, she showed up, and you felt you have some feelings for her, and you are willing to take pot luck, then you would give her a second chance...but you have to take it very slow, and don't count on anything

Good luck mate

[buddha84]

Let me offer my perspective as an ex who has an ex that has started a relationship already and cheated on me.

 

We were both in a 4 year relationship, and then the other guy came along. They would stay out late together, talk, and probably have/had a really good connection. Only thing is that she would still send me emails about how much she loves me, and even sent me some texts today saying how sad she was and how she missed me/loved me.

 

Word of advice - if someone still has an ex in the picture or hasn't gotten over their ex, you should just move on. I sat and consoled her while she was crying and saying she was sorry to me/love me, while I saw on her phone texts from the other guy saying "what's up baby". If the other guy is a great guy (such as myself), but the relationship was experiencing trouble, you might be a romantic rebound that gets her mind off of her troubled relationship. At the end of the day, you will possibly just be a comparison and distraction. It's best to start up a relationship with someone who doesn't have an ex or emotional baggage.

 

People can get confused, and when there are years invested in another person, the memories and feelings don't just fade. Unless the person was abusive/addicted to drugs/had nothing going for them/relationship just pooped out and ended mutually - you are always going to be at risk of just being a rebound who is ultimately left for the ex. I can't say I'm taking back my ex or want much to do with her, but the last thing I'd want is someone who still cries over their ex and loves them.

[TexasAgs]

Thank you all for the responses. Knowing that we're all in the same boat makes me feel not as lonely. We're all gonna make it folks

 

Update: We never "dated" in the standard sense: nothing physical (except one time when I kissed her to show her my intentions), she wouldn't do anything physical because she knew the situation she was in and said she didn't want to hurt me (mad respect to her for that). We just really got to know each other on an intimate personal level.

 

Can I continue to be friends with her, even though it will be painful seeing her and try to just weather the storm, or should I tell her I respect her for looking out for me and that I want to end things cleanly with the door open then tell her I'm going NC indefinitely and terminate the hangouts / friendship. If you want to reconnect 6 months down the road you have my number.

 

What do y'all think? (I've never been in this situation so I truly value your inputs)

[Shock148]

Met this girl who had been out of a three year relationship for 4 months. Had great chemistry and strong physical attraction from both sides. After a few weeks of getting to know each other, she tells me her heart is not in a good place right now; her ex of 3 years called recently (who she broke it off with) wanted to work things out.

 

Anyways I tell her my intentions/ express my romantic interest and we continue forward. We continue getting to know each other- we would go on walks / get coffee and talk for 5+ hours 3 nights a week. We both have work at 7am yet we still stay out until 2 am on work nights because we have some sort of incredible connection. We both invested some serious time into each other. (No I wasn't a shoulder to cry on aka an emotional tampon). We truly connected on an emotional level, it was incredible.

 

This girl tells me things no one knows about her and vice versa, she says we have "some sort of connection she's never felt before". Told her 2 months later, I don't want to date someone who is only 50% team Me and 50% team ex bf. You gotta make a choice or I'm going to have split and I won't be able to hang around as friends.

 

She ends up choosing the Ex bf of 3 years over me. My question is, what do I do? Was this connection real or an artifact of the void space left by an old relationship. Do I continue being friends with her?

 

Thanks folks I'm really hurting right now

Same thing happened to me. You were nothing but a rebound at a time where she needed someone. She was never fully invested in you because she wasn't over her ex. The relationship was doomed from the start. Take this as a lesson because I certainly did when it happened to me. Next woman I meet that still thinks or has feelings for her ex I will not get involved with. If she tells me shes over her ex and we start dating/getting serious, then if she doesn't prove to me that shes over her ex (put a profile picture up on facebook with us kissing, send a text if her ex contacts her saying shes busy shes with her boyfriend now, etc.) then I will end the relationship.

 

As of now, the only thing you can do is move on. It hurts but she chose another man over you. She won't be coming back unless something happens with her ex and then why would you want that? You are her backup plan and thats bs because she wants to have her cake and eat it too. No thanks, just don't contact her for a while until you are completely over her then you can be platonic friends with her.

[Samuel_22]

Let me offer my perspective as an ex who has an ex that has started a relationship already and cheated on me.

 

We were both in a 4 year relationship, and then the other guy came along. They would stay out late together, talk, and probably have/had a really good connection. Only thing is that she would still send me emails about how much she loves me, and even sent me some texts today saying how sad she was and how she missed me/loved me.

 

Word of advice - if someone still has an ex in the picture or hasn't gotten over their ex, you should just move on. I sat and consoled her while she was crying and saying she was sorry to me/love me, while I saw on her phone texts from the other guy saying "what's up baby". If the other guy is a great guy (such as myself), but the relationship was experiencing trouble, you might be a romantic rebound that gets her mind off of her troubled relationship. At the end of the day, you will possibly just be a comparison and distraction. It's best to start up a relationship with someone who doesn't have an ex or emotional baggage.

 

People can get confused, and when there are years invested in another person, the memories and feelings don't just fade. Unless the person was abusive/addicted to drugs/had nothing going for them/relationship just pooped out and ended mutually - you are always going to be at risk of just being a rebound who is ultimately left for the ex. I can't say I'm taking back my ex or want much to do with her, but the last thing I'd want is someone who still cries over their ex and loves them.

Sorry to say that, but she did not love you either, when a girl loves someone she can't move on, can't flirt easily with other boys, can't sleep with other boys... feeling nostalgic is what happens to exes...once they get back together, it is not the same thing....I knew a girl who waited 2 solid years for her ex to come back without even going on a rebound once... The question is how can you trust this girl now?

[Samuel_22]

Thank you all for the responses. Knowing that we're all in the same boat makes me feel not as lonely. We're all gonna make it folks

 

Update: We never "dated" in the standard sense: nothing physical (except one time when I kissed her to show her my intentions), she wouldn't do anything physical because she knew the situation she was in and said she didn't want to hurt me (mad respect to her for that). We just really got to know each other on an intimate personal level.

 

Can I continue to be friends with her, even though it will be painful seeing her and try to just weather the storm, or should I tell her I respect her for looking out for me and that I want to end things cleanly with the door open then tell her I'm going NC indefinitely and terminate the hangouts / friendship. If you want to reconnect 6 months down the road you have my number.

 

What do y'all think? (I've never been in this situation so I truly value your inputs)

No friendship, you have not signed up for this, if you go to the friendship side, then you will be only her friend, this is not what you want, then next time she will tell you about the new guy she has met, leave the doors open, and move on with your life, it is hard I know, but that's all you have to do, if things don't work (which probably wont), she will contact you, otherwise you have your own life, and you will probably see a lot of people who are far better than what she was, you are evolving, you are growing, just don't stop progressing in life, good things do come...I promise!!! just don't accept her easily if she came back....you know you have to play it a little dirty there...

[TexasAgs]

Thanks for the great responses. I'm going to take y'all's advices and end it with the door open.

 

Final questions before I bury this for good. (She technically isn't back with her ex yet but they are starting to see each other / go on dates)

 

1) Should I have a talk with her and express my intentions of leaving the door open / saying that if it was meant to be then it will work out in the future before going NC or should I just go NC right now without explaining anything to her

 

2) If we were to talk before going NC, should I ask her if she has feelings for me / is she hurting at all from having to decide between me or her ex? (If so then I know the connection was real and not some rebound void filler, that's my theory at least)

 

3) Will I look weak and insecure / not as attractive If I start to get a little emotional and tear up when saying that final goodbye.

 

 

Thanks folks, I'll keep yall updated as this unfolds

[louxor]

Thanks for the great responses. I'm going to take y'all's advices and end it with the door open.

 

Final questions before I bury this for good. (She technically isn't back with her ex yet but they are starting to see each other / go on dates)

 

1) Should I have a talk with her and express my intentions of leaving the door open / saying that if it was meant to be then it will work out in the future before going NC or should I just go NC right now without explaining anything to her

 

2) If we were to talk before going NC, should I ask her if she has feelings for me / is she hurting at all from having to decide between me or her ex? (If so then I know the connection was real and not some rebound void filler, that's my theory at least)

 

3) Will I look weak and insecure / not as attractive If I start to get a little emotional and tear up when saying that final goodbye.

 

 

Thanks folks, I'll keep yall updated as this unfolds

 

1) I wouldn't - Like others have said, you don't want to be the guy she falls back on when it doesn't work with someone else - You don't want to be her #2. If it does fail with the guy she's with now and she wants to try again with you, she will contact you.

 

2) Again, I wouldn't. If she had genuine feelings for you, she wouldn't have gone back to her ex. So she's either going to say no which will hurt you or she will lie which will just lead you on and hurt you down the road when she doesn't come back to you.

 

3) She's already left you, her decision is clear. You don't really need that 'final goodbye' because she doesn't deserve it - She used you to fill the void while she waited to hear from him. It sucks but that's the truth, and I believe that if you were to break down in front of her about it she would lose respect for you and you would be losing respect for yourself.

[Samuel_22]

Thanks for the great responses. I'm going to take y'all's advices and end it with the door open.

 

Final questions before I bury this for good. (She technically isn't back with her ex yet but they are starting to see each other / go on dates)

 

1) Should I have a talk with her and express my intentions of leaving the door open / saying that if it was meant to be then it will work out in the future before going NC or should I just go NC right now without explaining anything to her

 

2) If we were to talk before going NC, should I ask her if she has feelings for me / is she hurting at all from having to decide between me or her ex? (If so then I know the connection was real and not some rebound void filler, that's my theory at least)

 

3) Will I look weak and insecure / not as attractive If I start to get a little emotional and tear up when saying that final goodbye.

 

 

Thanks folks, I'll keep yall updated as this unfolds

1. I would do that, in my opinion she should clearly see the doors open, because I have seen some cases in which the dumper wants to come back but is not sure whether the dumpee will accept him/her...so do what you can, let her know the doors are open, and she is always welcome

2:No not at all.... You should not say anything about your feelings, and the relationship itself, you will most probably get cold answers, because she has already made up her mind for the time being, so can you brace yourself for an answer like,''yes you were just a rebound''?this is not what you want to hear, besides whatever she tells you now, there is little to no integrity in it... so her answers won't count

3: No, it is not about insecurity at all, it is a break up, she knows how hard it is, besides you are going to implement NC, which is the demonstration of power, don't get too emotional, don't say things that might make her feel guilty, leave your last impression and that's it

But believe me when I say, 3 months from now, you won't even want her anymore, but with doors open like that, she can boost your ego once more, and the worst case scenario, you will say, ''thanks... but no thanks.''

[Samuel_22]

1) I wouldn't - Like others have said, you don't want to be the guy she falls back on when it doesn't work with someone else - You don't want to be her #2. If it does fail with the guy she's with now and she wants to try again with you, she will contact you.

 

2) Again, I wouldn't. If she had genuine feelings for you, she wouldn't have gone back to her ex. So she's either going to say no which will hurt you or she will lie which will just lead you on and hurt you down the road when she doesn't come back to you.

 

3) She's already left you, her decision is clear. You don't really need that 'final goodbye' because she doesn't deserve it - She used you to fill the void while she waited to hear from him. It sucks but that's the truth, and I believe that if you were to break down in front of her about it she would lose respect for you and you would be losing respect for yourself.

I think it has got nothing to do with respect, by the time her ex leaves her again, she will understand what she has put this guy through, and he is going to go on a long NC, it is not like a regular break up, every day that passes by, he gets credit and respect for not contacting her, in 3-4 months from now, she will have a pretty positive attitude towards him, I am pretty sure. However, I agree don't become too emotional, I made that mistake myself, but I don't think even then it is a big deal, you are gonna be apart for a long time, as you lose interest for her along the way, she becomes more and more interested, that is because dumpers and dumpees go opposite ways, that is why usually when the dumper seeks reconciliation, dumpees say no...

[TexasAgs]

I think it has got nothing to do with respect, by the time her ex leaves her again, she will understand what she has put this guy through, and he is going to go on a long NC

 

Her ex didn't leave her, she broke it off with her ex after 4 years. Ex recently contacted her to try and work things out.

(If I was in her shoes and I had to choose between a new guy who I only had 3 months of data on vs someone with 4 years of data who wanted to improve himself to make it work I'd choose the 4 year guy every time.) This girl is 32 and there is tremendous pressure to get married soon for biological reasons; why not just fix something with a guy she has dated forever and get married soon vs throwing all that away and starting over with a new guy. So yeah I respect her decision, I'd do the same.

 

Im not sure the "you're just the second choice fallback guy" analogy works here based on this situation.

 

Does this affect y'all's answers to my 1), 2), 3)?

[Shock148]

Thanks for the great responses. I'm going to take y'all's advices and end it with the door open.

 

Final questions before I bury this for good. (She technically isn't back with her ex yet but they are starting to see each other / go on dates)

 

1) Should I have a talk with her and express my intentions of leaving the door open / saying that if it was meant to be then it will work out in the future before going NC or should I just go NC right now without explaining anything to her

 

2) If we were to talk before going NC, should I ask her if she has feelings for me / is she hurting at all from having to decide between me or her ex? (If so then I know the connection was real and not some rebound void filler, that's my theory at least)

 

3) Will I look weak and insecure / not as attractive If I start to get a little emotional and tear up when saying that final goodbye.

 

 

Thanks folks, I'll keep yall updated as this unfolds

 

What I did was that I told her that I cared about her a lot and I hope that she is happy with her ex. I told her I cannot be friends with you or talk to you for who knows how long because it would hurt too much for me to see a picture or status of you and your boyfriend. I told her I respect her decision, but I cannot see or talk to you anymore. If there was anything you needed I am here for you, but not in a sense of can you come fix something for me or take me this place or talk about my ex because I told her if it is anything like that I would not be available because you have a boyfriend for that, and I am not him. For your second question there is no need for that because even if she tells you that she does have feelings for you so what? She chose another man over you so her feelings wasn't strong enough anyway so it is irrelevant. For your last question, no you wont because it will show her that your feelings were genuine and the decision hurt you. If you come off as "I dont care I have no feelings over this decision" then she will interpret it as well I suppose he didnt really care that much about me. I rather a woman I spent a lot of time with and cared know that I did love and care about her in our final goodbye than to think otherwise.

[Samuel_22]

Her ex didn't leave her, she broke it off with her ex after 4 years. Ex recently contacted her to try and work things out.

(If I was in her shoes and I had to choose between a new guy who I only had 3 months of data on vs someone with 4 years of data who wanted to improve himself to make it work I'd choose the 4 year guy every time.) This girl is 32 and there is tremendous pressure to get married soon for biological reasons; why not just fix something with a guy she has dated forever and get married soon vs throwing all that away and starting over with a new guy. So yeah I respect her decision, I'd do the same.

 

Im not sure the "you're just the second choice fallback guy" analogy works here based on this situation.

 

Does this affect y'all's answers to my 1), 2), 3)?

I think if things wanted to work between them, it would have worked, there is a reason they have broken up, and yes she chose him over you because she is emotionally more familiar with that guy, and because there are more bonds between them.

The way I see it, it is not gonna work out again, and I presume it is not their first break up either. People, unfortunately, usually just get back together without addressing problems, and issues will resurface once they are past the honeymoon phase, and they break up again, and this will go on forever, even when they get married, because breaking up and reconciliation is now a part of their drama, cyclical relationships are prone to divorce.

But that is not your problem now, nor should you think about it either, things always go on the way they are supposed to go on, I just said, her coming back to you is in the bag, your meeting someone better is also in the bag, my stance about question 1-3 remains intact, you do what you have to do, the decision is not ours at the moment, the outcome might be the desirable one or not...Just don't wait for her, take your time to heal, and as soon as there is a real situation to move on, move on...when she comes back, the decision will be all yours.

I would rule out going back to her, that is just me of course, I think it won't work this time either... I still like the girl who left me for her ex, ''love'' turned into ''like'' in the matter of 48 days, and ''like'' will turn into ''indifference'' in 48 days from now. So when she comes back I think I have to tell her,'' everything I said I meant them at the moment.''

[GorillaTheater]

Forget this chick, man. The Mississippi State game is coming up; focus on what's important.

[Samuel_22]

What I did was that I told her that I cared about her a lot and I hope that she is happy with her ex. I told her I cannot be friends with you or talk to you for who knows how long because it would hurt too much for me to see a picture or status of you and your boyfriend. I told her I respect her decision, but I cannot see or talk to you anymore. If there was anything you needed I am here for you, but not in a sense of can you come fix something for me or take me this place or talk about my ex because I told her if it is anything like that I would not be available because you have a boyfriend for that, and I am not him. For your second question there is no need for that because even if she tells you that she does have feelings for you so what? She chose another man over you so her feelings wasn't strong enough anyway so it is irrelevant. For your last question, no you wont because it will show her that your feelings were genuine and the decision hurt you. If you come off as "I dont care I have no feelings over this decision" then she will interpret it as well I suppose he didnt really care that much about me. I rather a woman I spent a lot of time with and cared know that I did love and care about her in our final goodbye than to think otherwise.

Well, I almost said the same things... You handled it like a pro man!!! I totally agree with everything said and done by this guy!