HGD38 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Hi Guys! Just hoping for a bit of advice/opinions on my break up . . . We were together for just over 4 years, and lived together with her family for 3 of them. In all honesty we were really good together, always laughing and having great days out, we never really argued - and if we did it would only be over something so trivial that it was forgotten soon after! (I've always said small arguments in a relationship is healthy!) We recently celebrated our 4 year anniversary, and each year we always used to write a little letter to each other. These past few years have been quite difficult for my ex, as she's lost a few close family members and had a few other issues too. In this years letter she wrote that "You're my world, I never want to lose you" and "you've been my rock this past year and I wouldn't have gotten through it without you" . . . you get the picture. We weren't only lovers but best friends too. Two days after our anniversary, out of the blue she tells me we are over. She says she feels distant and wanted space, so I respected that and gave it to her. A few days later she tells me we're over for good and that she's seeing someone new. She never told me or her family before that week that she was unhappy or thought she liked someone else etc. That was over a month ago and we havent spoken since. What I don't understand is how you can be someone's everything, then all of a sudden be nothing!! SO CONFUSED!!!
louxor Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Hi Guys! Just hoping for a bit of advice/opinions on my break up . . . We were together for just over 4 years, and lived together with her family for 3 of them. In all honesty we were really good together, always laughing and having great days out, we never really argued - and if we did it would only be over something so trivial that it was forgotten soon after! (I've always said small arguments in a relationship is healthy!) We recently celebrated our 4 year anniversary, and each year we always used to write a little letter to each other. These past few years have been quite difficult for my ex, as she's lost a few close family members and had a few other issues too. In this years letter she wrote that "You're my world, I never want to lose you" and "you've been my rock this past year and I wouldn't have gotten through it without you" . . . you get the picture. We weren't only lovers but best friends too. Two days after our anniversary, out of the blue she tells me we are over. She says she feels distant and wanted space, so I respected that and gave it to her. A few days later she tells me we're over for good and that she's seeing someone new. She never told me or her family before that week that she was unhappy or thought she liked someone else etc. That was over a month ago and we havent spoken since. What I don't understand is how you can be someone's everything, then all of a sudden be nothing!! SO CONFUSED!!! HGD, I'm sorry to see this, being blindsided like that is terrible. I'll give you my take on the situation from what you've written (keep in mind I could be completely off). To me, she seems like she was too cowardly to approach you with this issue when it first arose (I'd predict she was seeing this guy for a while BEFORE she told you), but she didn't want to leave you in case it didn't work out with him. Some people are just so selfish like this and they don't stop to think about how their actions will impact the person they are with. Take the example of someone who begins to drift from their partner but doesn't do the right thing and tell them, because they want to make sure they always have someone to fall back on. But then when they have found someone else who they believe is a secure catch, they no longer need you as their fail-safe, and bam, they're gone, and you're left feeling like you've been hit by a truck. They haven't given any signs of losing attraction because they fear that if you catch on, you'll leave and then they may have no one. It's absolutely pathetic, but some people are just like this, and that is the only logical reason I can put towards this from what you've said. She may have said those things on your anniversary because she wasn't quite sure then if this other guy was going to last, and then two days later this may have changed hence why she did what she did. I will say though, that you must be an incredibly strong person for dealing with this, as there is not much worse than being blindsided like this by someone you cared about so much, so I have no doubt you will bounce back bigger and stronger from this. So HGD, even if my reasoning for her doing this is wrong, I suggest you cut all contact with her, she still did what she did despite the reason, and someone who does something like that is never worthy of you. You've gotten through the first month of a break up - that's always the hardest so it's only going to get easier from here on in (if you stick to cutting her off) 1
NVO Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 It's strange right? And you probably will never find out. This will be hard to wrap your head around, but it will fade over time. Until that day comes, all you want is answers, answers, answers. And even if you get some answers, those will only leave you with more questions. How did her previous relationships work out? If she had any of course. And how are you doing, one month after your break-up? I can relate to you though. I was left out of the blue too, with me thinking everything was cool between us. Looking back, I might have missed some red flags like her becoming more distant. But overall I was completely blindsided. Maybe you missed some signs too? I know it hurts when someone tells you, you mean the world to them one week and they leave you the following.
lchf Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 She was probably rationalising this for a while. Whatever the reasons she ended it for, they don't matter now, and I would recommend you don't waste energy trying to work them out. Initiate full no contact from now on doing the usual (blocking on all social media, email, instagram, carrier pigeons etc etc). She's already moved on and screwing some other dude. It will hurt for a while, but surround yourself with supportive people and work through this in a healthy way. She is dead to you, so focus on yourself. Been there bro, it ****ing sucks.
NVO Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Take the example of someone who begins to drift from their partner but doesn't do the right thing and tell them, because they want to make sure they always have someone to fall back on. But then when they have found someone else who they believe is a secure catch, they no longer need you as their fail-safe, and bam, they're gone, and you're left feeling like you've been hit by a truck. They haven't given any signs of losing attraction because they fear that if you catch on, you'll leave and then they may have no one. It's absolutely pathetic, but some people are just like this, and that is the only logical reason I can put towards this from what you've said. She may have said those things on your anniversary because she wasn't quite sure then if this other guy was going to last, and then two days later this may have changed hence why she did what she did. Wise words!
Author HGD38 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 Thank you all for your responses - and you have pretty much summed up what I first thought! The other lad in question has worked with her for about a year, and has made it clear since Xmas that he has feelings for her - so why now? I know I'm better off without, just gutted that someone you trust and consider to be your best friend could treat me with so little respect!!
louxor Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Thank you all for your responses - and you have pretty much summed up what I first thought! The other lad in question has worked with her for about a year, and has made it clear since Xmas that he has feelings for her - so why now? I know I'm better off without, just gutted that someone you trust and consider to be your best friend could treat me with so little respect!! You'll probably never know the answer to that, but it doesn't matter. It happened and there's nothing you could've done about it. Every time you feel down about it, remember, you did everything you could for the relationship - she was the one betrayed you, so if you can, use that to boost yourself up knowing you deserve someone much better, someone worthy of your love and effort. Feeling gutted about this is completely normal, especially in your case. Harvest these feelings and use them to benefit yourself. If you are angry, upset, disappointed, try and channel this energy elsewhere, somewhere productive and beneficial. I personally use this energy physically and go for runs whenever I begin to feel down.
Draper Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Thank you all for your responses - and you have pretty much summed up what I first thought! The other lad in question has worked with her for about a year, and has made it clear since Xmas that he has feelings for her - so why now? I know I'm better off without, just gutted that someone you trust and consider to be your best friend could treat me with so little respect!! Similar things happened to me. This other dude had been pursuing my ex for a couple months, she assured me it was nothing to worry about. Everything seems fine between us, in fact it seemed great - she was telling me how much she loved me just a few days before she left. We went on a vacation together, she up and left the day we got back. Like you, I'm not sure why now. Who cares though, they're gone now and they both walked out on good men. The fact that they had so little respect for us and what our relationship once was proves they aren't worth our time agonizing over. You seem to handling this like a champ though tbh
mightycpa Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 It happened because she is young. It had nothing to do with you or him or even her. She met someone and she has interest in him, just like she had interest in you. When you're young, you get to a point where you can't justify the thought of ignoring that, even when you're with someone that you feel close to. Don't overthink this. I'm sure she didn't. For her, this was all about "should I or shouldn't I?" and she fought it, hoped the feelings would go away but they didn't. A blindsided breakup usually means the opposite of what you're thinking. Your ex did love you, did struggle, did grieve, but she did all that stuff without cluing you in to your relationship troubles. She probably didn't share because she didn't want to hurt you. You only got the memo at the end when she finally reached a decision. Stick to your NC and walk away with some dignity. She's probably not coming back.
singme2sleep Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 What I don't understand is how you can be someone's everything, then all of a sudden be nothing!! SO CONFUSED!!! I know EXACTLY what you mean! My ex used to tell me I was his everything and I kept him going etc. I don't understand how he can choose to throw me out of his life now, it hurts beyond words.
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