louxor Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 5 days ago, my girlfriend and I decided it was best to end our relationship of about 2 and a half years, and its has left me in a position that I have never experienced after a break up thus far, as we ended our relationship on peaceful terms, being that there was no anger, hate or disapproval towards each other when it ended. To summarise the situation simply: After about a month or so of feeling like our intimate connection was shrinking we sat down and talked about it. The results pretty much indicated that she was just not feeling connected to me as much as she used to be - Not for any particular reason, she said the way I was treating her hadn't dropped or changed, she still had lots of fun with me, rather it was her intimate feelings towards me that had changed. This didn't come as much of a surprise (I had basically predicted her to say what she did) so as much as it sucked to hear it, from there I told her that because she was no longer fully sure of her feelings in the relationship anymore (and that there was nothing I could change to help her feelings), it was best for us to end it there. That was pretty much it, it ended with her crying, saying a few things like "I wish it wasn't like this", "I wish I didn't feel this way", followed by a big hug and then I left. SO, my confused state stems from the fact that all my previous relationships have ended on fairly bad notes, leaving me not wanting anything to do with that person at the time or in the future. However, this one, being such a smooth breakup, has left me unsure on what to do. Unlike my previous ex's, I don't want to cut this one out of my life for good because, well, nothing bad happened. We broke up because she had basically moved away from me on an intimate level, that's all. All the other things that made our relationship so much fun were still undamaged so it seems like a waste of a great match if we were to never talk again. When I say this I'm not leaning towards the possibility of getting back together (I'm in the mindset that I will never romantically involved with her again to avoid false hope). I'm more wondering if the age old complication of being 'friends with an ex' is a possibility in my situation, and if its worth it. I'm not talking about a friendship right now, its only been 5 days and I don't plan on contacting her for the time being, however I was just wondering if anyone has been in a position similar to this before, and what your experiences with it have been. Thanks so much for taking the time to read!
Meli22 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I have been in your position, except my ex dragged it out for ages and treated me awfully rather than just being fair and breaking up with me. He literally battered my esteem and made me feel awful about myself, and became really controlling and possessive (even more than he usually was) and blamed his shift of feelings on me. So I lost a ton of respect for him, and I left him after enduring that for months. I was left with a lot of anger, confusion, resentment and low self esteem and I turned to therapy. I feel a lot better now but I have no desire whatsoever to be friends with him. I wouldn't want a friend like him because of how he went about everything. I know he'd love to have me as a friend, but there's just no chance because I think he's a sh**ty person. So whilst I've been (sort of) in your position, I've never had the desire to remain friends. I think you'd be best waiting until you're completely over her before you consider friendship. If you can't handle her turning to you for relationship advice about another guy then don't go there yet
Author louxor Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 I have been in your position, except my ex dragged it out for ages and treated me awfully rather than just being fair and breaking up with me. He literally battered my esteem and made me feel awful about myself, and became really controlling and possessive (even more than he usually was) and blamed his shift of feelings on me. So I lost a ton of respect for him, and I left him after enduring that for months. I was left with a lot of anger, confusion, resentment and low self esteem and I turned to therapy. I feel a lot better now but I have no desire whatsoever to be friends with him. I wouldn't want a friend like him because of how he went about everything. I know he'd love to have me as a friend, but there's just no chance because I think he's a sh**ty person. So whilst I've been (sort of) in your position, I've never had the desire to remain friends. I think you'd be best waiting until you're completely over her before you consider friendship. If you can't handle her turning to you for relationship advice about another guy then don't go there yet Thats horrible - im glad you are in a better place now, he sounds like one hell of a jerk! Thanks for that point at the end there, that does bring into perspective the fragility of the situation, being that it would probably send me back to square one emotionally if she was to talk about another guy when I wasn't completely over her yet.
Meli22 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Thats horrible - im glad you are in a better place now, he sounds like one hell of a jerk! Thanks for that point at the end there, that does bring into perspective the fragility of the situation, being that it would probably send me back to square one emotionally if she was to talk about another guy when I wasn't completely over her yet. I do believe exes can be friends after some time has passed. I'd love to be able to have that mindset but unfortunately the way break ups happen play a major part in any future friendship. My other long term ex it wouldn't bother me being friends with him, but then again I don't feel like I'd want him as a friend so... It makes no odds
Meli22 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Also.. I can be a little bitter. It's like, if you don't want me in your life as a partner anymore then you're not having me in your life at all.. I don't know.. Maybe that's just me
greenleaves54 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I had a very peaceful and friendly break-up aswell. Altough I didn't want it to happen I understood her need to be free. However, I just can't see how being friends could possibly work. Maybe in a couple of years when all feelings are completely gone. The only friendship that usually takes place after break-ups is an awkward contact that diminishes with time. It just isn't possible.
Author louxor Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 Also.. I can be a little bitter. It's like, if you don't want me in your life as a partner anymore then you're not having me in your life at all.. I don't know.. Maybe that's just me That's a good point - Kind of a 'take it or leave it' attitude. I like that I had a very peaceful and friendly break-up aswell. Altough I didn't want it to happen I understood her need to be free. However, I just can't see how being friends could possibly work. Maybe in a couple of years when all feelings are completely gone. The only friendship that usually takes place after break-ups is an awkward contact that diminishes with time. It just isn't possible. I see where you're coming from with that. What do you think about if it wasn't limited to one on one situations? What I mean is, this girl and I have many close mutual friends and we all hang out quite often as a larger group (5-10 people). Do you think maybe the close one on one friendship may not work in the future, but maybe it will be okay if we were to continue with these bigger gatherings of friends? Because I'd hate it if I see them less just because she will potentially be there
salparadise Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 (edited) I have two ex-girlfriends that I am still friends with in a sense. We catch up occasionally by phone and are still friends on facebook, but that's about it. I think it depends a lot on the two individuals, but generally speaking romantic relationships are completely different than friendships. The basis is sex and romance, and a friendship aspect exists within that context and is largely dependent upon it. You can't just remove the sex and romance and be left with a functional friendship. It's more of a polite, pseudo-friendship where you try to acknowledge and respect each other but the positive energy that used to fuel connection is just not there. So you talk about pets, relatives, work, etc., and dance around feelings and substantive things. In most of these situations there will be a dumper and a dumpee. The dumper finds it easy to be magnanimous, while the dumpee is probably carrying some resentment, or perhaps still has romantic feeling and is listening for cues that might indicate a possibility of reconciliation. Staying in contact will keep that person stuck while the dumper will move on to other people and trigger sadness and jealously in the other person. New romantic interests may not be accepting of continued contact either. And it's harder to develop interest in a new person when you're communicating with an ex where the emotional intimacy is being diverted rather than focused on the new person. I'm sure we'll hear from a few who disagree. I think exceptions are possible, but it's generally wise to acknowledge that fond memories of sex and romance are not the same as friendship and move on. Edited September 28, 2015 by salparadise 1
Draper Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I tend to think it's very hard to be friends in any significant capacity. You can certainly be civil and friendly, but to actually be close friends? The fact that you left things so peacefully leads me to believe that if you were ever to become close again, the chances of your feelings for her returning would be significant. Which would suck if she didn't feel the same way. On another note, I don't think it's fair to keep communicating with an ex if you become involved with someone else. It's just one of those things. 2
Author louxor Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 Thanks for the replies Sal and Draper. You two do bring forward good points in what you say, and I am beginning to feel like a more close friendship in the future would be quite hard to manage without being back old feelings which would lead to more complications. What are your opinions on remaining friends in a more loose social context? Like I mentioned earlier, I share a rather big group of mutual friends with this girl, some of who I'm very close to, some not so much but I enjoy seeing them on occasion when we all catch up. Do you think she could have a place with these friends who I'm not so close to, but still enjoy spending time with during our group get together's? I.e. there wouldn't be much contact outside of this social setting, but when we are in it do you think there is a possibility to have it get to a stage where it is not awkward to be with each other during that time?
hunk Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I'm not trying to be a dick here but your ex basically told you in no uncertain terms she wants to have sex with other people, you did nothing wrong but she is no longer attracted to you. I don't really understand why you want to be friends with her after this. She just dismissed you as a man, in her eyes she feels nothing towards you. Every time you are around her you will just imagine her dismissing you as a mate, how she holds power over you, how she's ****ing whoever she wants and you've got no say in it. You'll start hating yourself. A friendship will just completely destroy any semblance of self respect you have for yourself here. Just be cordial and polite with her if you have to see her but for god's sake don't be friends with her. Cut her out of your life and behave accordingly when you HAVE to see her/be around her, but do not go out of your way to contact her. In a few months she'll probably call you up crying/sheepishly text you "hi how are you" because she's been pumped n'dumped by a bunch of bad boys and misses your stability, you also need to ignore this. 3
Author louxor Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 I'm not trying to be a dick here but your ex basically told you in no uncertain terms she wants to have sex with other people, you did nothing wrong but she is no longer attracted to you. I don't really understand why you want to be friends with her after this. She just dismissed you as a man, in her eyes she feels nothing towards you. Every time you are around her you will just imagine her dismissing you as a mate, how she holds power over you, how she's ****ing whoever she wants and you've got no say in it. You'll start hating yourself. A friendship will just completely destroy any semblance of self respect you have for yourself here. Just be cordial and polite with her if you have to see her but for god's sake don't be friends with her. Cut her out of your life and behave accordingly when you HAVE to see her/be around her, but do not go out of your way to contact her. In a few months she'll probably call you up crying/sheepishly text you "hi how are you" because she's been pumped n'dumped by a bunch of bad boys and misses your stability, you also need to ignore this. Thanks for this, I very much appreciate the sharp-edged honesty. I think from what everyone above has said, as well as what you have said, I will not be pursuing a friendship with her. As for the group social settings when we cross paths, I will avoid the ones where she will be there until I am comfortable enough to deal with that specific confrontation. 2
guest569 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I'm sure there are exceptions and cases where friendship works. For me, it has never been the case no matter how hard I try to convince myself. These guys rejected me, being friends with them is just sad. Yours wasn't mutual and it does sound like you have been hurt by it. It's hard to let go but friendship is not a solution.
salparadise Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Thanks for the replies Sal and Draper. What are your opinions on remaining friends in a more loose social context? Like I mentioned earlier, I share a rather big group of mutual friends with this girl... Nah, I think you should avoid her altogether for the foreseeable future. The one exception perhaps is when you have a new girlfriend who is twice as hot, in which case you can let her avoid you.
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