Dejong Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Hi all I met her online. She is 35, 13 years younger than me and has two daughters, 7 and 10. I have 2 children as well. She is a smart woman, career oriented and hard working. She is going through a major career change due in one month, as she has been hired at a manager position by a competitor to her current company. We had a very good communication and we Skyped several times before I went to her country - A twelve hours flight - for a week. It was amazing. The connection was awesome at every level, it felt like I had met my best friend. Being straightforward, I expressed my feelings that week as I was a bit tipsy, and it was probably too early: she found it overwhelming. Nevertheless I went back to her for 2 weeks, 2 months later. We loved it both - that is what she said. She found it incredibly easy to be with me, she felt I was bringing a lot in her life. We started talking about living together perhaps end of the year. Then I went back for a full month in July. She wanted two weeks only but I insisted and she asked "can you handle me for 4 weeks?". I could. It was very nice again, at all levels. Spiritually, sexually, intellectually. We like the same things, we have similar ideas even though we are different. She says I am the smartest man she has ever met. She said she loved me. She said I was looking good,and we were looking great together. She said i had an amazing energy. I met her sister, her stepbrother, her grandma (her parents both passed away) and of course I saw her daughters often, whom I was beginning to love dearly. In August we were texting daily, exchanging pictures. I have never exchanged such a crazy amount of texts with anyone. Early September she became silent for a few days. I let her but I knew something was wrong. Then she sent an email telling me she was not sure 100% so she could not continue as it would be lying to me and to herself. It was not very clear. So I aked for details and explained how amazing our story was. She comfirmed, saying that I had enriched her more than anyone and it has shown her the potential of a true relationahip. Then I asked for more clarifications. She said sometimes she was in love and felt a great intimacy, and sometimes she felt drifting away. When I was with her she felt great, but at times she was not sure and would have preferred to be alone. Also, when I was back in my country ahe felt ok, not really missing me except maybe the first day. She said she should have mentioned her changIng feelings. So i wrote an email, saying basically it looked like I had been through an illusion and she had been lying to me. She replied that it pained her a lot to read that, that all the things she told me in the breakup letters were true, that she have never experienced such a connection. She was talking about us in the past tense in her last 3 emails. She sais she is unsure of who she is, and unsure of what she wants/what makes her happy so she needs to figure that out. She said she had consistently tried to please others in her life and now realizes she needs to change that pattern and think about herself. It was her last letter. I wrote a long reply, saying I understood, and I stated that following the breakup I was myself introspecting and growing and wishing her the same. And that I hoped that, when she is clear about herself, we should be together again, the rest of the (very long) email being philosophical about life, happiness and such ideas.i finished the letter stating I love her and would be there if she needs someone to lean on. My sister read it and said it is a beautiful inspiring letter, she printed it for her husband to read it because it contains certain guidance about life. There was no reply to this very open, very honest but not emotional letter. It pains me, I would have preferred even a single line such as "thanks for taking the time to write this. I wish you well in your endeavours. " or similar polite stuff. But nothing? It makes me feel ai am worthless in her eyes - and it just does not match the intense connection we had. Even though she was not 100 % honest, she did enjoy it most of the time. I could see her drifting away perhaps 10 or 15 % of the time. One night as she was tipsy she began to cry and told me she was lost in her life. I replied that I would be there for her and help her found herself. So I have 3 questions... 1- Why did she dump me? A therapist I am seeing is telling me she is confused and does not know what she wants. A friend told me she is immature. Your opinion? Why would anyone abwndon such a relationship, without any hiccup, without any quarrel, everything smooth sailing and looking like so many opportunities were coming. 2- why does not she respond to my very honest last email? It is rude . The same friend told me she is just being a coward. 3- do you think she will get back to me? She wrote so many powerful words about our relationship, and when I doubted it she replied that it pained her and stated again that it was all true. The same friend told me "if she loves you she will come back" but it sounds like although she does like me very much, she does not love me. I have not cried a single tear but I am in pain. It is like someone cut my arm off. Perhaps it was looking too good to be true.... It was the most meaningful relationship of my life. Your advice will be appreciated.
mightycpa Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 1) She dumped you either because she's not feeling it with you, or because she has no desire to get involved with somebody in a LDR. 2) Maybe she is afraid that you are refusing to accept her decision. Maybe it was too many words, and instead of inspiring her, she rolled her eyes, like this: 3) She sounds done. Now I have a question for you: don't they have single women in your country or on your continent? I can't imagine you want actually have an ongoing relationship with someone half a world away. 12 hours by plane? That's about 12,000 miles, right? That is simply not practical. You'd have done a lot better to keep her as a friendly port in a storm.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 She realized you were a lot more emotionally invested than her. She knew it before you went to her for a full month and tried to tell you not to come for a such a long time. You pushed the issue, she relented. You felt the relationship had potential but unfortunately she just didn't feel the same way. To answer your questions: 1) She simply didn't feel the same spark you did. That doesn't make her immature, so I disagree with your friend on that. Perhaps she also realized that dating someone who lives a 12-hour plane ride away is a big undertaking and she's looking for something more sustainable. There's also the possibility that she has met someone else and didn't know how to tell you that. 2) Why does she need to respond to your last email? You both said your piece. In fact, if it was as long-winded as you say, she might not have actually have read the whole-thing. She might have felt you were being a little pedantic. I don't think your email warrants a response when she already explained her stance. 3) I don't think so, no. She sounds as though she realizes deep-down that while she cares for you, she doesn't feel the same spark and intensity needed to carry on a relationship with you. I don't think it's something personal. Just not a match for her.
Author Dejong Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 I feel she was immature in that she did not say explicitly she was breaking up, until I said it myself. It was not very clear. She told me she felt a tug at war. Which means part of her wanted to stay with me. LDR was not the problem. I was ready to move in with her in December. There is nothing wrong with LDR as long as you know what you want. And if you can't fly 12 hours for a woman you don't deserve her. Saying that you should find your woman in your country -perhaps village?- is so 1900. Why did she need to respond to my last email? Well, politeness, respect. This is what adults do. By not doing this she is behaving like a teenager.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I feel she was immature in that she did not say explicitly she was breaking up, until I said it myself. It was not very clear. She told me she felt a tug at war. Which means part of her wanted to stay with me. LDR was not the problem. I was ready to move in with her in December. There is nothing wrong with LDR as long as you know what you want. And if you can't fly 12 hours for a woman you don't deserve her. Saying that you should find your woman in your country -perhaps village?- is so 1900. Why did she need to respond to my last email? Well, politeness, respect. This is what adults do. By not doing this she is behaving like a teenager. With due respect, I don't agree. She already told you how she feels. There's no point keeping the communication going, especially if she sensed you're not very accepting of her decision. She said her part, you said yours. What more do you need do you need to say? She is moving on. In any case, dwelling on these questions is futile. She made her choice. All you can do now is concentrate on closing that chapter. Unfortunately, this one wasn't a match but there will be others. She did the right thing letting you know about her change of heart so you can now direct your energy elsewhere.
Author Dejong Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 You are certainly right. Except that she was not clear. 3 emails repeating the same stuff sbout bring confused, not knowing etc. Then my response, very clear, asking for the truth, looking at all options. To that, she finally replied honestly about her feelings drifting aways SOMETIMES and her asking herself why and not being able to tell me for fear of hurting me. To that, I replied something along the lines of "so, was it all fake?" And she replied vehemently NO. Then, my last letter, telling her it's ok, I understand, wish her well etc. Totally accepting her decision, but also expressing I wish we can be back together one day. That's the email she did not respond to. She has been beating around the bush with 3 emails and I had to ask her to clarify. She did not even have the balls to end via Skype. I still think all of this is immature. The proper way is to tell things as they are. She is behaving like she is 16. Ok, maybe 22. But as you say, all this is futile. Que sera, sera. I am happy that I lived 2 months of pure happiness with a gorgeous woman, smart and interesting as can be, in her beautiful country. I suppose she made me realize certain things as well.. But there's always some pain in a break-up and I chose to face it. Usually, if it does not end well I move straight away to another girl, forgetting the previous in the arms of the new. This time, I am not interested. I will stay with myself for quite a while....
Author Dejong Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 I updated my FB profile photo today. She "liked" it and messaged me " lovely photo of you. Have a nice week xxx" I am perplexed. Why would she do that? She is from one of those ex UK colonies so they have quite a bit of British manners over there including (imho) excessive politeness. But I was expecting no sign at all from her. One explanation could be that she is avoiding me but does not want to be seen as to cruel about it. Any idea?
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