guest569 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Need reassurance, keep blaming self and wondering what I did wrong. It seems a legit excuse - a recent breakup, long term relationship, betrayal, he mentioned her quite often, all his stories and memories involved 'we'. He warned me early on about it but said he was over it. I wondered how anyone could get over it. I wanted to believe it, so I did. Told myself to be cautious but it didn't work, totally fallen. I figured that if we took things slowly it would all be ok - and seemed to be going along ok until he saw her and freaked, I guess. Anyway I still think it is partly an excuse, he just doesn't like me. If he liked me enough he would forget about her? It's because I am fat, ugly, terrible in bed. We had sex once, then the next times we met he was distant. I hate myself right now and I am struggling. I've been through this all before, more of the same, they always rejected me. I need some support and have no friends to go to. Crushed..
mightycpa Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Even if he liked you enough, he might still freak out when he sees her. I went 16 years of no contact with my first love, I'd been in and out of love a couple times since, and I was totally in love with the woman I was with. One day I saw her. She just walked across the crosswalk right in front of me. My heart jumped out of my chest and my heart went pitter patter for her. I could barely breathe, and she looked beautiful. All the old emotions began to well up in me. It took me a couple of weeks to return to my senses, and in that couple of weeks, I was in crisis. So there's that part of it. Now, the whole fat, ugly and bad in bed thing... Let's get ugly out of the way first. On the one hand, you're stuck with your looks. There is little you can do about that; maybe makeup would help. I'm thinking of Mila Kunis, for example. She's not the greatest looking woman in the world, not by a long stretch, but slather the Givenchy on, and she's pretty decent to look at. So if this is an issue, get professional help to teach you how to make the best of what you've got. Sex is next. A lot of that is feeling it, being enthusiastic and vocal, and letting go of your inhibitions. Athleticism might come into play too. Watch pornos if you need some pointers. Sex isn't that hard to get right. Fat. You can do something about fat. I suspect fat is where your problems with sexual performance begin, and where at least part of ugly comes from. You'd feel a lot better about yourself if you simply lost weight and became more fit and muscular. You don't have to be rail skinny to be attractive. You just need to look healthy and not too big for your frame. You won't be young forever, so you need to get started now, or it ain't never gonna happen. You'd be surprised how many other things will start to go your way when you focus on this one thing alone. Get it together, girl. Focus on yourself for a while, and become happy with who you are. The boys will follow that.
Author guest569 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 Wow, now I feel like 10 x worse. Thanks
mightycpa Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 You're welcome. Maybe somebody will pat you on the back and tell you everything will be better soon. It might, but you sound profoundly unhappy with yourself without my help. No friends, no boyfriends, you're not even complimentary to yourself. That sounds lonely. I wonder if you feel bad enough to actually do something about it. Not everybody does, some people just like to wallow in it. Is that you? I can't tell. You can allow yourself some of that, but you know what they say about the definition of insanity. I suggest some positive change is long overdue.
Author guest569 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 I'm here for support, not someone to tell me to go put on make up, get thin and watch porn and reinforce my insecurities and tell me that I am correct in blaming myself. wallowing? I got dumped a few days ago. Please leave me alone if you don't have anything nice or helpful to say.
Conners Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I'm really sorry you're feeling this way smiley. It's hard to focus on ways to improve ourselves and so easy to question where we went wrong and just want to mope around in sadness. I'm going through a similiar situation too, if you ever want to talk just flick me a pm x 2
Haydn Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Sorry Smiley, Seems like it just was not right. I don`t think you are to blame for this and `putting` yourself down won`t help. I know it`s easy to do and can be a pretty natural reaction to rejection. But in this case i feel you had a sense of what might be happening. I doubt he was over her and those feelings can come bubbling back. You keep going, you keep on trying. It hurts but if it didn`t you wouldn`t care and because you do care it makes you pretty good to me. Let me know ok. On your side and thinking of you today. 1
Author guest569 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 Thanks Conners and Haydn, glad some people understand what I am saying (but sux that you've been there too). i do need hugs, reassurance and support because I am in that fragile state immediately after, where my self esteem has taken a massive hit due to the rejection. Although you're right Haydn, I knew what was going on, it still shocked me and I am just now starting to feel it. Yes it was brief but I really like him and miss him a lot already, it hurts pretty bad. I need to rest and be with family and the few friends i do have are really not supportive. But I have too much work to do and am just trying to push through it all. Not very successfully.
joseb Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Chin up smiley. People not over their exes are just bad news and it's no reflection on you. I know it's perhaps tough love, but I don't think mightycpa meant bad by what he said. His advice is reasonable (though I'd disagree on the porn, if relationship sex is based on porn we are on a slippery slope) The comment regarding mila kunis is particularly true. In movies I always think she is incredibly hot but I've seen shots of her when she is incredibly plain.
Author guest569 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 Actually the 'tough love' comments are just really damaging. I've just been dumped, the last thing I need is that sort of ridicule. I would have thought it obvious that I did not come here looking for advice on weight loss, sex technique or makeup. I am feeling really down about myself because I feel as though I was used, I was 'pumped and dumped' and therefore my body has been rejected. Whatever the case, fat, thin, stunning, hideous, he has rejected my body. He has rejected me, I'm no good.
drseuss Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I know how horrible it is , i was with a girl 10 months and she wasn't over her ex who she had been with 12 years , they met up once and she freaked out big time and we broke up but she then came back a week later , lasted 6 more months but she just couldn't deal with it and her ex was still on her mind , so she gave me the I need to be on my own , maybe it can work in the future speech , havnt spoken for 2 months. The thing is even if they don't want to be with their ex they need to deal with the emotions of the break up an jumping strait into a new rs is more often than not a bad thing , You have 2 choices , wallow and blame yourself . Or stand up brush yourself on and better yourself for your next rs , it can't have been right and it's all in the past where it belongs You'll be fine 1
Toodaloo Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Smiley honey I don't know when you posted this as I have only just seen it. First off though you really need to stop trying to find a man who will make you feel better. They don't. They are a pain in the backside. So I suggest that you take this as an opportunity to read every self help book going that will improve your confidence and self worth. It doesn't matter how fat or thin you are. It doesn't matter if you are ugly or bad in bed. Look at super models. Most of them are dog ugly when you look at them properly with out all that gak on their faces! Now I very much doubt that you are any of the above. You are merely blaming yourself for something that is literally just one of those things. I keep telling you and will keep on telling you KNOW YOUR WORTH. Please take a break and go and read some self help books. Get anything and everything from "Get the Guy" to "Valuing yourself" books. Keep going at it until you feel calmer and happier in yourself. Keep working on it. Then when you feel emotionally strong, then start to date. Right now you are setting yourself up to fail. Turn that round and set your self up to succeed!
Author guest569 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 I know how horrible it is , i was with a girl 10 months and she wasn't over her ex who she had been with 12 years , they met up once and she freaked out big time and we broke up but she then came back a week later , lasted 6 more months but she just couldn't deal with it and her ex was still on her mind , so she gave me the I need to be on my own , maybe it can work in the future speech , havnt spoken for 2 months. The thing is even if they don't want to be with their ex they need to deal with the emotions of the break up an jumping strait into a new rs is more often than not a bad thing That really sucks wow, I often hear people dismiss this as an excuse but it does seem fairly common and it does make a lot of sense. I was definitely too soon for him. He did give me a bit of what is likely false hope. I think what he has been through, will take a very long time to get over truly. Wants to keep seeing me.. as a friend. And maybe something will develop later. Ugh. So its just going to be NC.
Author guest569 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 Smiley honey I don't know when you posted this as I have only just seen it. First off though you really need to stop trying to find a man who will make you feel better. They don't. They are a pain in the backside. So I suggest that you take this as an opportunity to read every self help book going that will improve your confidence and self worth. It doesn't matter how fat or thin you are. It doesn't matter if you are ugly or bad in bed. Look at super models. Most of them are dog ugly when you look at them properly with out all that gak on their faces! Now I very much doubt that you are any of the above. You are merely blaming yourself for something that is literally just one of those things. I keep telling you and will keep on telling you KNOW YOUR WORTH. Please take a break and go and read some self help books. Get anything and everything from "Get the Guy" to "Valuing yourself" books. Keep going at it until you feel calmer and happier in yourself. Keep working on it. Then when you feel emotionally strong, then start to date. Right now you are setting yourself up to fail. Turn that round and set your self up to succeed! I wasn't seeking out a man, but this guy was initially quite persistent and I fell for him as soon as we met. My life was going really well and I was feeling great. Before all of this. Its just so disappointing and I was used, led on, cheated and hurt. But I still really like him and miss him.
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