My unique situation...I think

[notsurewhy]

My ex girlfriend broke up with me about two months ago. We had only been dating about 3 months. But things are a little weird. Maybe a little background first.

We are both in our late 40's. We have known of each other our entire lives. We went to school together from elementary through high school. We have always lived in the same town. Her father even cut my hair up until he retired. We even went to the same church since we were kids. We both changed to new churches, her about 2 years ago, and me last year, guess what, we changed to the same church. But we didn't start to really get to know each other until about six months ago.

So things were going rather quickly with us, but we knew it and were handling it pretty well.things were going along smoothly. Then she goes to a single mothers and children retreat sponsored by another church(same denomination) for weekend. When she comes back we spend that afternoon together and things still seemed OK. The next morning she texts me she isn't feeling well and has to cancel dinner plans. So I'm like OK, we'll do it another night. I texted her a couple times that day and the next to check on her. Things seemed a little off, so I asked her what was wrong. In short she said she was feeling overwhelmed and just needed me to be her friend.

This was strange, but I knew things had been moving fast and I thought maybe we needed to slow down or take a little break because we both had a few things outside of our relationship to deal with. Like job issues and child support hearings. So I suggested several times over the next month that we take a break to deal with stuff, try to stay friends and see f we wanted to try to start the relationship again later on. I got all kinds of replies. She started with being overwhelmed and being off center, then it was I wasn't ready for a relationship, then I don't belong in a relationship with you, the final two things were We didn't connect on a few levels ( which I feel was a lie, we connected in almost every way possible) and last was . It became intimate way before I was ready and at a time of my life when I was way too vulnerable to stand my ground and just be friends. That is truly all I really wanted with you at the time. I am not proud of my behavior and was very needy at the time. I am sorry I got so caught up in it all that I couldn't see things more clearly. When I went away on the single parent retreat at camp, it became crystal clear and I knew I needed to end this relationship. She had even continued to tell me up til that I was a great guy and a good man, but not for her.

She became steadfast about the breakup and also felt we couldn't be friends for fear of awkwardness if I found a new love interest.She unfriended me on Facebook, which was news to me since I had hidden her news feed during a no contact period I started a couple weeks ago. There were a couple of angry texts from both of us then too. But overall we have been at worst cordial toward each other up until then.

So this morning I see her at church. She hasn't been since the break up. I'm sitting in our usual spot and she comes in and i see her out of the corner of my eye since I'm reading the bulletin hesitate and then a little loudly for church sort of stomp or walk hard up two rows and sit down where she knows I can see her. I also caught her peeking back at me a couple of times.

So here is my dilemma. First what the hell happened? It was great, we were planning a future together and even talked a bout marriage down the road. Then in the blink of an eye it's over.

Second what was that church thing all about?

And lastly here is the kicker, I started no contact so I could heal myself, give us space, and work on myself to try to improve who I am. So of course I look up ways to get over someone. And from what I have seen and been told by a few (we have some of the same friends), she is doing a lot of those things. Like self love/improvement, having girls night (she never participated before), doing new activities, Cutting off contact (Facebook), not being friends anymore, and she may even be dating (i'm not sure on that one and I'm not going to spy on her)

 

I'm still think we can make it as a couple. I'm pretty sure we still love one another.

 

So my questions are:

1. What happened? Why did she really break up with me?

2. What was that church thing all about?

3. What's going on with these trying to stop loving me actions I see?

4. Any chance for us? Or should I just continue on me and move on?

 

I wold really appreciate anyone's help or opinion.

 

Thanks

Edited September 28, 2015 by notsurewhy

[brokengirl85]

My ex girlfriend broke up with me about two months ago. We had only been dating about 3 months. But things are a little weird. Maybe a little background first.

We are both in our late 40's. We have known of each other our entire lives. We went to school together from elementary through high school. We have always lived in the same town. Her father even cut my hair up until he retired. We even went to the same church since we were kids. We both changed to new churches, her about 2 years ago, and me last year, guess what, we changed to the same church. But we didn't start to really get to know each other until about six months ago.

So things were going rather quickly with us, but we knew it and were handling it pretty well.things were going along smoothly. Then she goes to a single mothers and children retreat sponsored by another church(same denomination) for weekend. When she comes back we spend that afternoon together and things still seemed OK. The next morning she texts me she isn't feeling well and has to cancel dinner plans. So I'm like OK, we'll do it another night. I texted her a couple times that day and the next to check on her. Things seemed a little off, so I asked her what was wrong. In short she said she was feeling overwhelmed and just needed me to be her friend.

This was strange, but I knew things had been moving fast and I thought maybe we needed to slow down or take a little break because we both had a few things outside of our relationship to deal with. Like job issues and child support hearings. So I suggested several times over the next month that we take a break to deal with stuff, try to stay friends and see f we wanted to try to start the relationship again later on. I got all kinds of replies. She started with being overwhelmed and being off center, then it was I wasn't ready for a relationship, then I don't belong in a relationship with you, the final two things were We didn't connect on a few levels ( which I feel was a lie, we connected in almost every way possible) and last was . It became intimate way before I was ready and at a time of my life when I was way too vulnerable to stand my ground and just be friends. That is truly all I really wanted with you at the time. I am not proud of my behavior and was very needy at the time. I am sorry I got so caught up in it all that I couldn't see things more clearly. When I went away on the single parent retreat at camp, it became crystal clear and I knew I needed to end this relationship. She had even continued to tell me up til that I was a great guy and a good man, but not for her.

She became steadfast about the breakup and also felt we couldn't be friends for fear of awkwardness if I found a new love interest.She unfriended me on Facebook, which was news to me since I had hidden her news feed during a no contact period I started a couple weeks ago. There were a couple of angry texts from both of us then too. But overall we have been at worst cordial toward each other up until then.

So this morning I see her at church. She hasn't been since the break up. I'm sitting in our usual spot and she comes in and i see her out of the corner of my eye since I'm reading the bulletin hesitate and then a little loudly for church sort of stomp or walk hard up two rows and sit down where she knows I can see her. I also caught her peeking back at me a couple of times.

So here is my dilemma. First what the hell happened? It was great, we were planning a future together and even talked a bout marriage down the road. Then in the blink of an eye it's over.

Second what was that church thing all about?

And lastly here is the kicker, I started no contact so I could heal myself, give us space, and work on myself to try to improve who I am. So of course I look up ways to get over someone. And from what I have seen and been told by a few (we have some of the same friends), she is doing a lot of those things. Like self love/improvement, having girls night (she never participated before), doing new activities, Cutting off contact (Facebook), not being friends anymore, and she may even be dating (i'm not sure on that one and I'm not going to spy on her)

 

I'm still think we can make it as a couple. I'm pretty sure we still love one another.

 

So my questions are:

1. What happened? Why did she really break up with me?

2. What was that church thing all about?

3. What's going on with these trying to stop loving me actions I see?

4. Any chance for us? Or should I just continue on me and move on?

 

I wold really appreciate anyone's help or opinion.

 

Thanks

 

Hi,

I think you're a little too intense and scared her. I don't think you have any chances at this point but to let her alone and move on.

She broke up with you because you overwhelmed her with your clinginess (I'm sorry I'm saying this I hope you don't take it badly)

Just let her alone, don't became the crazy ex.

[Poutrew]

Well, the first thought that hit me concerning the church incident is that she saw you sitting in the same place you and her sat when you were a couple. She probably was pissed.

 

 

Concerning everything else, the focal point was that retreat. Sounds like someone got to her. Whispered something into her ear that changed her mind about you - not too surprising, actually.

Edited September 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dumbass2]

"I was a great guy and a good man, but not for her."

 

When someone says this to you, believe it. She means it. It is it what it is. nothing you did wrong, she just sees you as not being "the one" she wants to spend the rest of her life with and with the next relationship she wants to find someone that she just has those certain feelings with and it's not you. She doesn't want to waste time and wants you to move on as well.

 

You had some great times together, but she is just not into you like you were with her. It happens. She had a good time. You feel it was all mutual feelings, but unfortunately it wasn't. Let her go because things aren't going to change any time soon, if ever, between you two. If after a while she see's that she may have lost someone that actually was a pretty good fit, then she will come back to you and let you know. Don't wait for her and don't try contacting her. She knows how you feel. You don't have time to be waiting for someone in your late 40's. I know first hand.

[notsurewhy]

Thank you for the comments so far. Most everything was spot on and confirmed what I was already thinking. Yes my personality can be intense and it has served me well at times. I know it can be off putting to some people, but it didn't seem to be the case this time. I don't feel as though I was clingy. I never begged or pleaded or anything like that. I did agree we needed some sort of break and I was leaving all options open, including Maybe trying again at some point. But I made it very clear I was leaving it in God's hands.

I agree totally with the comment about the retreat. She may have gone questioning a few things about us. And I'm quite sure that someone gave her "advice" based on their own past and problems and not know us or our relationship.

It is hard to believe at times that she does think I'm a great guy etc... But that said I do try to keep things in a positive light if I can. I have no intention of contacting her. Like I said before, I'm leaving it God's hands.

 

One interesting note though. It seems that after starting NC, that I see her out and around town more (grocery store, getting gas etc.). I hardly ever saw her out like that before we started dating. Interesting coincidence.

 

If anyone things they need more specific information, I'll be glad to do what I can. I tried to get as much in the original post as I could with making it too long. I'm sure I left out some details.

Edited September 28, 2015 by notsurewhy

[Toodaloo]

Sorry OP.

 

You were a rebound. It is frightenly common.

 

It also sucks.

 

Give yourself time and lick your wounds. Let them heal and when someone rushes in the future just be careful.

 

Try to avoid anyone who sounds as though they still have feelings or emotions for their ex. Its OK for the "why did you break up" conversation but if it goes further they need more time and you need to get outta there before they use you to make themselves feel better.

 

Avoid anyone who is fresh out of a relationship or anyone still not yet divorced etc.

 

Going no contact is good. Just give yourself time. Let yourself move on.

 

Good luck

[notsurewhy]

Sorry OP.

 

You were a rebound. It is frightenly common.

 

It also sucks.

 

Give yourself time and lick your wounds. Let them heal and when someone rushes in the future just be careful.

 

Try to avoid anyone who sounds as though they still have feelings or emotions for their ex. Its OK for the "why did you break up" conversation but if it goes further they need more time and you need to get outta there before they use you to make themselves feel better.

 

Avoid anyone who is fresh out of a relationship or anyone still not yet divorced etc.

 

Going no contact is good. Just give yourself time. Let yourself move on.

 

Good luck

I don't think it was a rebound thing. To the best of my knowledge she hadn't been in a relationship in a while, nor had I.

 

A quick note. Knowing that she saw herself as an independent woman, she would not ask for help. So it makes sense that she would not come to me when she was having doubts or concerns. And also I have learned by paying attention to her actions that when stressed, her coping mechanism is definitely avoidance.

Edited September 28, 2015 by notsurewhy