NAOMIXXX Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Hi all, please can you give me some advice, I am 19 yrs old, and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He was my first proper boyfriend, first love, first everything. We have only ever spent a week apart; we are with each other all day every day. About a year ago I started having strong feelings for his friend Paul, I tried to ignore them as I didn’t want to hurt my boyfriend, but after a while I knew it was Paul I wanted. I tried breaking up with my boyfriend many times but everytime I said I want to break up he would start crying or say he would change. Everytime this happened I would be overcome with guilt and not speak to Paul. I didn’t even kiss Paul but about 6 months ago me and my boyfriend had an argument and me and Paul slept together. I felt so guilty as we were doing it so I stopped it after a few minutes. We didn’t mention it again and me and my boyfriend carried on as normal as I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. There’s this other girl Lisa, who was a friend of mine and my boyfriends who knew about what I did with Paul. She told my boyfriend everything and my boyfriend was devastated. We split up for 2 days; he needed time to think about things. I felt really bad and wasn’t eating or anything, I had time off work and just sat in my room crying. Me and my boyfriend got back together as I thought I could get Paul out of my head and concentrate on our relationship. I then found out my boyfriend had been going to Lisa’s house while I was at work and they had been kissing and things. He said he was getting his own back on me and was planning to sleep with her. I also found out he had kissed her around the same time I went with his Paul. He promised me he wouldn’t speak to her again, but then I found emails he was sending to her saying he can’t wait to see her and he is missing her and she was sending the same kind of emails back. He told me he was just saying all that to get her in bed. I forgave my boyfriend for this because what he did with her wasn’t as bad as what I did. Things were going ok with us for about a month. But Paul is also my cousin’s best friend and my cousin had a bbq on Saturday. When I saw him there the feelings I have for his came back and we were talking. He told me he loves me and will always be there for me. I feel so guilty now, I told this boy I can’t do anything with him, I won’t cheat again, and I can’t finish with my boyfriend as It would kill him. I live with him at his mom’s house and we have all the same friends. I really don’t know what to do. My life is a mess and I wish I was dead.
WithOrWithoutYou Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 I don't think you are being true to your own heart. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is manipulating you with his crying and promises to change, when you realized a long time ago that he was not the one for you, and he knows that. If he really does know that, and if he loves you, he should let you go. If he won't do that, you need to explain to him the way things are, and if he starts to cry, turn and walk away. Recognize that is tool he is using to get you to do what he wants, and do not stand for it. Sometimes people cry when relationships end, and for good reason, but from your post, I think it is clear he uses that a lot to contol you, and probably does it on purpose. He also obvsiously still has a need to "get back" at you, and his way of doing that is obviously going to be sleeping with Lisa. He will lie to you and say he has given up on that plan of action, but you have seen evidence that these are only lies, and that he still very much plans to sleep with her just to get back at you. Revenge is not so important as it is to your boyfriend, for people who know what love means, and are truly in love. Your feelings now are for Paul, and not for your boyfriend, and your boyfriend needs to understand that you will not come running back everytime he gives you the line about how it will kill him if you leave. I know he was your first, but sometimes, relationships end. I think you need to seriously consider ending it with your current boyrfiend, and THEN giving a relationship with Paul a real chance (end it first, THEN see Paul - don't cheat on him again by being with Paul before telling him is over, as that will just hurt him more). You are not married. You do not have a child with your boyfriend (that is an assumption on my part, but I think you would have mentioned it), and it really sounds like you have been trying to leave this guy for a very long time. Follow your heart. Sometimes it is painful to do that, but it will be much more painful if you do not - and don't let the boyfriend talk you back in again. You know what you want. End what once was good but is not good anymore, and pursue what could be good now, at this point in your life. You will be pleasantly surprised when you don't actually die (and neither will your ex-BF), and at how good you will feel when you are with the man you love, who loves you.
Miffy Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Please please follow your heart, whether that is with Paul or just to be on your own for a while. You should not be settling for something 'second best' not when there are no children and you are not married. 19 is such a young age to be thinking you are stuck with someone you don't want to be with. Take time to think it through then if your decision is to be without your boyfriend then finish and mean it, no matter what he threatens do not go back. There is a world of opportunities waiting for you, go out and grab them. Some of us here got married, settled down with kids and are now wishing we had thought more about it when we were your age.
Author NAOMIXXX Posted May 19, 2005 Author Posted May 19, 2005 thanks alot for your replies, i read them and was smiling to myself, because i know what u are saying is so true. i know for sure we need to break up, i dont want to rush into anything with paul because it would hurt my boyfriend too much. i think i need to get my independance back and start spending more time with my friends. i am just so scared about my boyfriend, i do love him but more as a really good friend. i really wish we could stay friends but he said he couldnt stay my friend if we ever broke up. I will keep u posted on what happens, thanks again love naomi xx
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