Should I give up hope? Should I propose? I'm lost

[OmegaGear]

Hi everyone,

 

I thought I'd share my story. It's a long one, but I will condense it down. I dated this girl for three years. During those three years, I made a few mistakes. The first mistake I made was during my grandmothers funeral. I was so down during that time (my grandmother basically raised me), so I was down for awhile. During the funeral planning, my aunt made a declaration that certain people weren't allowed to come to the funeral. She wanted to keep it a small and private ceremony. She even banned family members from outside the state from coming. I informed my girlfriend of the decision. She agreed but she was hurt. She says I didn't fight for her, and I put my family first. I was honest with her, I was so grief stricken that I didn't want to argue. However, she held onto it.

 

My second mistake was during the second year. She insisted that I cut a certain friend lose but I didn't. After her constant bickering about it, I eventually followed her wishes ended the friendship. He was the jealous type; which, eventually led to him setting me up by having some girl call my phone. My girlfriend answered and heard all types of lies. She didn't believe me, which resulted in a huge argument. Until this day, she thinks I cheated when I didn't. When my ex friend tried the same trick, I left the house to confront him. She didn't like that and even holds that against me until this day, saying I should have never left the house.

 

She list other reasons for the downfall of our relationship. For example, me doing too much for my family, not wanting to have intercourse with her on a regular basis etc. She always preaches it's the small things that equal to one big thing. However, I feel that she never lets anything go, and she has admitted to having issues letting things go.

 

Now, we are here. We agreed to break up. She said she wanted to find herself and for me to improve myself. Now, she has admitted she's been dating. She's even told the other guy that she still loves me. In addition, she's told him that he has no chance, and I could get her back whenever I pleased. But I dunno. I feel like she's playing games. I was thinking of proposing to her, but i don't know. I'm truly lost.

 

I'd like to think we're working on getting back together. We have agreed that Thursday and Friday are our days. But I feel like she's just trying to keep me around for her own benefit.

 

Do I go on? Should I initiate NC?

Edited September 28, 2015 by OmegaGear

[thejabberwocky]

Your relationship doesn't sound like it's been working at all. It's selfish of her to throw a fit about not being able to attend a funeral. She should've just been there for you. And she has no place in telling you who you're allowed to be friends with!

 

She no longer wants to be with you on top of that, so no, absolutely do not propose. Accept the breakup and find someone who isn't so controlling.

[Qboro90]

You're letting her toy with you. You know she's dating and seeing other guys but you're able to devote 2 days a week to her/ each other and act like everything is normal? That's not normal. She's not normal for putting you through that. Your family funeral was nothing for you to feel guilty about. You should've put her in her place for even breaking your chops while a family member of yours just died.

 

I think your best play here and the only way to get her to go into panic mode and change her expectations and behavior is to tell her that youre done being on and off and want to separate completely during this break up. The truth is you haven't really broken up if you still see and speak to her weekly. Tell her you're not going to hang out with someone who's investing her time, body, and emotions into other men and that you want to allow yourself the chance to meet new people and dedicate your priorities elsewhere.

[OmegaGear]

This entire situation is wierd. I have informed her numerous of times that I'm noones second choice and especially not hers. Yet, she still insist that we keep it cordial. Heck, she has my PS4 at her place and has openly stated that she wants to keep it since she knows I won't go far without it.

 

I do think I will have the final talk with her on Thursday and tell her that I'm either her man fully, or I'm nothing at all. I won't play second fiddle to anyone else.

[ExpatInItaly]

You already are her second fiddle, man. You broke up and she's dating others, yet you're willing to still see her on Thursday and Fridays? Why would ever agree to that? If you're broken up, you disappear from her life. You're essentially enabling her to have her cake and eat it too. This situation is just bizarre.

 

Tell her it's over for good, and mean it. Come on, now. If she doesn't take any action to get back together then you'll know she's just not into it anymore and you can really start to move on.

[mightycpa]

You think she tells him that **** before he bones her or after? If a guy will put up with that, then she's getting used. But at least she's getting regular sex, so that could be part of it too.

 

Maybe you're not all that attracted to her when it is all said and done. There were some girls I dated and I'd get tired of sex with them... just wasn't all that, you know? But the ones I really liked, I never got tired of sex with them.

 

Let her go find herself. In the meantime, you should ghost.

[OmegaGear]

I do agree that this situation is entirely bizarre. She doesn't want me to go too far, and she insist we "remain" friends. Heck, we even share the same insurance policy for our vehicles. I offered to pay it off completely and afterwards split. Nope, she insisted against it.

 

I do agree that she needs to find herself. She just seems lost. Always angry, can't make up her mind for anything, and she makes the smallest things into the biggest deal. People have told me to give her a break because she was a foster child, but I don't see how that can be used as an excuse.

 

As it stands now, I am going to go ghost and inform her of what I stated earlier. Basically, I'm going to do me and have fun. If she wants to come back into my life, she'll find a way.

 

Thanks for the advice guys.

[Qboro90]

You say things like "she insists we talk and remain friends and that I won't go far" as if there's nothing you can do about it. "Yea I was going to start dating other girls but my ex said no and I need to come over to see her Friday so aw schucks, guess I'm stuck" is the mindset you're putting out there.

 

Just a heads up, even if you tell her Thursday that you're not a second option and she needs to be fully invested or not at all involved.... She's just going to give you a bs answer or lead you on to keep you placated but things will not change. You've never given her any consequences for splitting up. All you've done is let her get away with more and more disrespectful behavior so she's not going to have any reason to believe you're gonna stick to your gut and disappear from her life for good.

 

The best thing you can do that would really make her panic and realize she could lose you for good is removing yourself from the insurance policy or removing her and any financial things that you have tied up with her. As long as you are financially still involved she knows that you're not going anywhere. Once you show her that you're making these permanent changes her free ride and vacation is over. What ever you do, get your personal finances and bills in your name.

 

And in your OP you say that she's told the guys she's seeing that "they have no chance and she's still in love with you". I hope that the reason you're saying this is because you either 1. Overheard it somehow or 2. Viewed her text conversation where she said it..... Because if you're just taking her word for it then you're more naive that I thought. She's never said that to any of these guys, she's telling you that to minimize the true significance and reality that she's involving herself emotionally and physically with other men. And the twisted part of it is that your oP makes it sound like that's actually a good thing she's doing for you and she's doing you a favor.

 

"Yea my ex gf is sleeping with other guys but don't worry she told me that she's told the guy that he's never going to be her boyfriend because she's still in love with me.... So we're working it out" ... C'mon... Demand more from the person you're with.