rayge118 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Sooo i have never used one of these websites before but I am trying to cope with this break up in a healthier way then the last few ones. Reaching out to people can be very hard for me so I am going to try to do it online first. So I started to date this guy about 2 months ago. Literally the day after our first date, he found out that his best friend had committed suicide. I gave him my support but didn't talk to him while he was figuring stuff out at home for about 3 weeks. When he got back, we instantly started hanging out again. We fell for each other very quickly. I was unemployed at the time and we spent almost all of our time together. Everything was going great except I began to realize that he was very depressed and wasnt dealing with it in a healthy way. I was getting disappointed a lot because he would get drunk and disappear and I would worry about him, he would be hungover or sleep deprived all the time etc. So I started my new job about a week ago and could tell something was different for him. Finally I asked him what was going on and he said that he couldn't be in a relationship anymore. He said it had nothing to do with me, that I had helped him more than he could say for the last month or so. He said that because he was so depressed he had no energy or emotional capacity to take care of me or love me right now. He also said that our schedules were just not working out, I work 9 to 5 and he works night shifts at a bar down the street. I was devastated to say the least. The next two days we texted back and forth, i tried to get him to come talk to me but he refused. I told him i fell in love with him and he said he could not bear to hear that. Eventually he told me that he needed me to just leave him alone completely, to not see him or talk to him at all. I have been trying really hard to respect his wishes but I am struggling. I miss him a lot and am worried about him. I know i should just let him be but it is really hard and I am worried that I will be waiting around to hear from him or that he will never get back in touch with me. We bonded so quickly because what he was dealing with, i helped him and then he decided he needed to feel better on his own. I mostly feel abandoned but then I feel selfish, then angry, then super depressed and worried. Any advice?
teachdunc Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 (edited) Hey rayge, My advice to you would be to take what his actions are and believe those. Is he reaching out to you? Is he making an effort to be a part of your life? You need to be focused on actions here. The comments about you deserving more are the same comments I was told from a girl that I got close with very quickly, who said that she loved me, and then cut me off as well. The situation is different, she dealing with a divorce and he with the loss of a best friend, but similar in the response. Your best chance at having him respect you and miss you is to give him the space he said he wanted and that he is putting between you. In the end, it takes two people putting in 100% effort to make a romantic relationship possible. By giving him space, allowing him to contact you (and that's a big IF), and letting him put in effort, you'll see if his words had meaning. You can only control what you do in this situation. Your best course of action is to keep putting one step in front of the other on your journey and if he runs to catch up to you, that's great! And if not, you'll still be on your path. Stay late at the new job, go out with your coworkers, and become a strong professional. If he wants to be a part of your life, you'll know. And if not, you'll know. But it's not up to you to make the choice for him. Oh, and the feelings are normal. Most people can't or don't know how to say what they actually want to say, so we get the types of responses you got. Edited September 28, 2015 by teachdunc
Ronni_W Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 rayge118, I know that it's difficult to not personalize the feelings, wants and needs of people with whom we feel especially close...especially when theirs are not in alignment with what we want for our self. In this case...it's not that you started out expecting to be this guy's grief counselor, but that's how it turned out. The love, compassion and support that you had it in your heart to give him when he needed it the most...well, he has already said that he cannot fully express how much that meant - and likely always will mean - to him. It can be turned into a situation where you gave selflessly, and then made peace with not getting anything more out of it. It's not "selfish" for you to feel "abandoned"...but that also is not an accurate interpretation/perception of the situation. Your ex is showing good self-awareness for recognizing his own current stressors, limitations and needs. He does not have the energy and emotional or psychological resources to be the person he knows that he is and wants to be, especially not in the kind of relationship that you want with him. Accepting where he is and what he wants/needs out of life right now, without making it about you, will need more of that love and compassion and support that you gave him...except now is to give it to yourself. And, I think, you can do that without also having to turn him into someone who "abandoned" you, or who used you, or who is this or that other negative thing. NOT that it will be easy; but that it must be done. I would most certainly honour myself for having been so generous of heart and spirit...and then continue in that spirit, and honour what he has asked for, even though it's not what I want. Sending you hugs, and angels to help you get through the worst of it.
Author rayge118 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 I appreciate the responses! I know in my gut that I shouldn't talk to him. But what if he never gets back in contact with me? What if he doesn't miss me? I feel like I made him angry for some reason, but it was very hard for me to understand his feelings/needs because I haven't been through a loss like he has. I'm scared he is going to hate me forever because I didn't understand what he wanted and told him how sad I was. We also live in a very small town. He lives five minutes away and he works at a bar down the street from me. I'm worried about seeing him and what he will say/I will say. Its so hard to know he is literally right down the street from me all the time.
Author rayge118 Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 I know in my gut that I shouldn't talk to him. But what if he never gets back in contact with me? What if he doesn't miss me? I feel like I made him angry for some reason, but it was very hard for me to understand his feelings/needs because I haven't been through a loss like he has. I'm scared he is going to hate me forever because I didn't understand what he wanted and told him how sad I was. We also live in a very small town. He lives five minutes away and he works at a bar down the street from me. I'm worried about seeing him and what he will say/I will say. Its so hard to know he is literally right down the street from me all the time.
buck3200 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 I am so sorry for you. I have much the same story from the other side. I have had bouts with depression my whole life.I'm 53. I had met someone I really cared for and had started a new life with her when due to circumstances I spiraled into a depression. Just let me say it is quit possible that he cares very much for you. He can do things that he will truly not understand why when his depression leaves. My advice to you is don't hate him and be patient. Mine often left as quickly as it came.
louxor Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Firstly, you were only dating for 2 months, so as much as it sucks for you that you fell for him so quick, chances are he didn't do the same. Secondly, he lost a friend, to suicide. That's probably up there with the worst ways to lose someone you care about. If I was in his shoes I would be devastated, absolutely devastated, so it makes sense to me why he has withdrawn from you - He can't focus on you because he needs all his strength to get through this incredibly tough time. You must let him be, for his sake. Once he has healed he may get back into contact with you but for now I strongly suggest leaving him be. It would be different if you two had been in a longer relationship but given that it was only 2 months, it makes sense to my why he has done this - his connection to you just wasnt strong enough yet for him to feel he can turn to you for help during this horrible period of his life. While it may suck for you, try and imagine what he is going through. I guarantee he has it way way worse.
d0nnivain Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 grief changes people. You really only had 5 weeks with this guy because 3 of the 8 weeks you were together he was home dealing with his loss. Unless you are a trained mental health professional you have to let him go to deal with this on his own. Sorry. Everybody handles death differently & suicide really causes people to have survivors guilt & to feel guilty like they should have been there to prevent the suicide. Try throwing yourself into your new job as part of your own healing.
Author rayge118 Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 I know he is going through hell right now. It is just so hard to sit back and not contact him because I care about him so much. But if no contact is what is going to make him feel better I am going to try. Its been about 5 days and I really miss him and worry about how he is doing. Part of me wants to apologize to him for being selfish right after he broke up with me, telling him how sad I am, that i was falling for him etc. I wasnt thinking clearly obviously because I was panicking I guess. Do you think I should apologize even if it would break NC? I have feeling that wont do much but I want him to have a good memory of me. I guess i thought we bonded more because I was there by his side when he was going through such a rough time. Its hard for me to understand where he is coming from because I havent had a loss like that in my life, but I really am trying. I was just having such pleasant and peaceful thoughts of him today and for the first time I wasnt sobbing about it but looking back and thinking of all the things kind and loving traits that made me fall for him in the first place. I know he is such a good and caring person and its hard to see him be in so pain and trying to get through it by himself. He is having some substance abuse problems as well which worries me. I think this breakup has been especially hard because I am not only heartbroken about the end of our relationship but I am also just so heartbroken for him and his loss.
Author rayge118 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 It had been a week of no contact with my ex. Last night i got really drunk for the first time and got someone to drop me off at his house without asking him to come over. He wasnt there, I texted him to tell him i was there and he told me to go home and that he was sleeping at a friends house. I didnt have a way home so i passed out on his bed. He came home this morning and of course was really mad. He yelled at me and told me I was rude and that i needed to get a cab right away cause I couldnt be there. I told him i would walk and he started calming down. We talked for a second about trying to be happy and he told me he couldnt see me but i could call him if i needed to. He also told me that he had to go to a memorial service for another friend of his that recently died that I had no idea about. I feel like the biggest idiot, selfish and guilty. I texted him and apologized and asked when was a good time to call and told me i couldnt call him. He said he didnt hate me but that he just needs me to leave him alone. I obviously made a big mistake so I don't need anyone to make me feel worse about it, just looking for some support. For some reason I have to completely destroy broken relationships in order to get over them. My friend said i should give him a month and then just check in on him to see how he is doing with all the sadness, death, and substance abuse in his life. Let me know what you think. If you need more info my original post is below. Sooo i have never used one of these websites before but I am trying to cope with this break up in a healthier way then the last few ones. Reaching out to people can be very hard for me so I am going to try to do it online first. So I started to date this guy about 2 months ago. Literally the day after our first date, he found out that his best friend had committed suicide. I gave him my support but didn't talk to him while he was figuring stuff out at home for about 3 weeks. When he got back, we instantly started hanging out again. We fell for each other very quickly. I was unemployed at the time and we spent almost all of our time together. Everything was going great except I began to realize that he was very depressed and wasnt dealing with it in a healthy way. I was getting disappointed a lot because he would get drunk and disappear and I would worry about him, he would be hungover or sleep deprived all the time etc. So I started my new job about a week ago and could tell something was different for him. Finally I asked him what was going on and he said that he couldn't be in a relationship anymore. He said it had nothing to do with me, that I had helped him more than he could say for the last month or so. He said that because he was so depressed he had no energy or emotional capacity to take care of me or love me right now. He also said that our schedules were just not working out, I work 9 to 5 and he works night shifts at a bar down the street. I was devastated to say the least. The next two days we texted back and forth, i tried to get him to come talk to me but he refused. I told him i fell in love with him and he said he could not bear to hear that. Eventually he told me that he needed me to just leave him alone completely, to not see him or talk to him at all. I have been trying really hard to respect his wishes but I am struggling. I miss him a lot and am worried about him. I know i should just let him be but it is really hard and I am worried that I will be waiting around to hear from him or that he will never get back in touch with me. We bonded so quickly because what he was dealing with, i helped him and then he decided he needed to feel better on his own. I mostly feel abandoned but then I feel selfish, then angry, then super depressed and worried. Any advice?
BC1980 Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 You are not in the frame of mind to start dating right now, and dating should never be a coping mechanism. It sounds like you see too emotional, so you are making bad decisions.
Author rayge118 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 I just dont want him to think any less of me. I am a strong woman but I made a mistake and i am struggling with the idea that he might think i am pathetic and clingy and desperate. Im just hoping he understands. I feel like i failed because I wasnt able to help him feel better emotionally.
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