Questioning our relationship

[katiegrl]

I agree with the gist of your posts, katie, but I thought this was a bit much. "My brother was in a life-threatening accident" is a way over the line excuse if he just wanted to go out and party. That's like saying your grandma died to get out of doing homework. Whatever their other issues, most functional adults would not do this.

 

I agree that was a bit over the top.

 

But at the time it was just my spidey senses... cause his behavior sounds really off and over the top to me, like he is hiding something...

 

My belief was (at the time I posted it)...had this all been true, he would have been more forthright about it, communicating with her, and not just blowing her off, and then when she contacted him, said "I can't deal with you right now," and hanging up.

 

That behavior to me indicates deception of some sort. Again, jmo.

 

But since she said she knows his family and it can easily be confirmed, I take that comment back.

Edited September 28, 2015 by katiegrl

[Winterina]

You are right to feel the way you do OP.

 

Of course it should not have been a big deal for him to drop you a text saying shortly what happened and that date is off till further notice.

 

To just disappear, again, is disrespectful and uncaring.

 

He is either using his brother's accident as an excuse for his passive aggressive behaviour, or he just doesn't give a damn about you.

 

Sure, if he is employed, he must have informed his boss about the fact that he was not going to make it to work, why not extend at least the same consideration to you.

 

Not cool.

 

My advice is not to call him, not to text him, go cold... you seem to be trying to find a mistake in you and justify any crappy behaviour he pulls on you. He feels this and knows you will just forgive and take whatever... So he can treat you whatever way he wants.

[Versacehottie]

hmmmm tough situation OP. Your feelings are important. And of course this is one of the worst situations where usually a good gf would put her personal feelings aside in light of the situation. I don't have an answer for what you should DO exactly. Good advice from both "sides" which just makes it even harder to figure out. What if you could step away from the "event" for the time being? No easy answer for that and he's likely to get caught up and discussion off track because whatever you are saying will seem unreasonable in light of what he's dealing with.

 

I would look at the bigger picture. Two things to figure out with him (later). Why wouldn't he turn to you, even for a short brief moment to let you know what's going on? Forget doing it to check OR cancel the date. What about because in times of crisis, you'd be the loved one. People usually turn to their loved ones in times of crisis. In this case, for a 1-5 minutes, just to get the support only a gf/wife could give. I'd be wondering that.

 

And secondly, how his reaction style is. Shutting down, blocking people out (or is it just you he blocks out?) And fairly, your reaction style. Little explosive. You can't get to a point of compromise if you BOTH are not willing to admit your wrongdoings and what you will work on and how. Try to come at it from a point of that you are hurt and confused not the anger or righteousness. Much less to fight about from those places. It's a better starting place.

 

Usually I think people should argue (or discuss) the "incident" but I don't think that's going to get you anywhere with this one. Each will have legitimate reasons why he/she is right. Plus with the severity of the outside party, his brother injuries, you're just going to look insensitive and the focus will never be on the real issues between you two. In fact, imagine either of you telling the story to strangers. I'll bet because of compassion, most people will always think he is in the right on this one. Don't argue this incident, you'll never get through to him.

 

I think you are disturbed because this incident is symbolic of the reoccurring issue in your relationship which makes you feel not close to him and worried about a future with him. Discuss that (at a less crisis time--maybe a week from now; idk depends on the brother's health and bf's state of mind).

 

Also and you want to approach this gently (or just keep your eye on it). Some people use crisis' as an excuse for anything. Could even be much more minor. Maybe he did that the other times in the past and now this is a real crisis so you look like a jerk for getting upset. But you being upset is actually based on something real. Basically if you keep coming back to the fact that you are hurt because he shuts you out, you may have more leverage with him. I think. Good luck with the discussion.

[Redhead14]

My boyfriend stood me up yesterday. No calls, no texts, email, carrier pigeon, nothing. Apparently his brother who lives up in San Francisco (we are in San Diego) was in a really bad car accident the night before and he hadn't slept because he was worried sick.

 

Not knowing about the accident, I felt so let down because we haven't had a real date in a while. I was very excited about this one and it was something we had been planning for a long time. I called him very upset because this is the thrid time he went MIA and didn't tell me what's going on.

 

He got mad at me and in one breath told me about his brother, said he didn't want to "deal with me right now" because I was "making him feel bad," and that he would call me later. Then he hung up.

 

I feel terrible about his brother, truly I do. I also understand why my boyfriend reacted that way. He's not in a good place and my approach wasn't the best, but I was angry because he told me this wouldn't happen again, where he disappears/stands me up/shuts me out and leaves me hanging.

 

I am now questioning our relationship, especially with all this silence giving me time to think... the fact that he didn't run to me for comfort for something this big really made me wonder who I really am in his life. That maybe we are not on the same page. Am I being selfish? Am I wrong?

 

Then there's the issue of how he deals with conflict, but I already knew that going into this. He knows that's one of his major flaws and I said I'd only stay with him if we work together on it. He agreed, said he knows it isn't right and that leaving me hanging then shutting me out pushes me away.

 

Anyway he hasn't called yet so I am just giving him space. I don't know whether to send a quick text just to see how he is/tell him I'm here for him or to wait for him to reach out to me. I'm leaning towards just waiting it out. Whenever he shuts me out I usually reach out first, but after going through this so many times, now it's like I just don't want to. Do you guys think I should take the initiative per usual?

 

--

 

If it helps, we have been together for less than year. He is 35 an I am 29. The reason why we haven't had a real date in a while is because he is a single dad of a 6 year old daughter so our time together have mostly been lunches, coffee, walking the dogs, movies or staying in. I'm the first real relationship he has had in years. Everything is great except for this. We have talked about the future, marriage and such, and until yesterday I thought we were very serious. Now I just don't know.

I'm the first real relationship he has had in years. -- Given the dating pattern and disappearing three times in less than a year, he still hasn't had a real relationship in years. A guy who truly cares about you, would have called you and told you about his brother at least. You would not have found out about it by "accident".

 

When someone wants or indicates they want space, and I've said this before here, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out their problem and when they realize they may have another one.

 

Don't reach out to him now. If he doesn't contact you within a couple of days, you can send one light supportive message and leave it there.

 

In the meantime, go out and enjoy yourself. Don't be quick to make time for him when/if he re-surfaces. And, like you said, use this time to re-evaluate this "relationship". I doubt you've felt secure in it anyway and have spent some time stressing over it. If it ends, it will likely be a relief for you. If/when he comes back, if it were me, I'd tell him I'm moving on to find someone who makes me a priority.

[Redhead14]

And, by the way, it is likely that this is the reason he hasn't had or been able to keep a relationship together for years.

[MoreAmore]

He certainly isn't treating you like an actual partner given the full backstory.

 

I would not be okay, though I would be loathe to bring it up with the crisis. I would be seriously reconsidering.

[mrldii]

I'm on the side of those who've already stated that - IF this story is true - it is very odd (telling?) that he didn't reach out to let you know about something so serious for 24(+?) hours.

 

Since this is the third time this has happened, I'd stop seeing him if for no other reason that *bad* things keep happening to those close to him, which cause him to fall off the face of the earth from the one-and-only person he's been talking marriage and a future with.

 

(Yes, I realize that this is the first time his 'brother was in an accident', but when you've made a habit of blowing someone off when something better comes up, it's inevitable that your *reasons* for doing so will have to get bigger and *better*.)

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...