Questioning our relationship

[maja1]

My boyfriend stood me up yesterday. No calls, no texts, email, carrier pigeon, nothing. Apparently his brother who lives up in San Francisco (we are in San Diego) was in a really bad car accident the night before and he hadn't slept because he was worried sick.

 

Not knowing about the accident, I felt so let down because we haven't had a real date in a while. I was very excited about this one and it was something we had been planning for a long time. I called him very upset because this is the thrid time he went MIA and didn't tell me what's going on.

 

He got mad at me and in one breath told me about his brother, said he didn't want to "deal with me right now" because I was "making him feel bad," and that he would call me later. Then he hung up.

 

I feel terrible about his brother, truly I do. I also understand why my boyfriend reacted that way. He's not in a good place and my approach wasn't the best, but I was angry because he told me this wouldn't happen again, where he disappears/stands me up/shuts me out and leaves me hanging.

 

I am now questioning our relationship, especially with all this silence giving me time to think... the fact that he didn't run to me for comfort for something this big really made me wonder who I really am in his life. That maybe we are not on the same page. Am I being selfish? Am I wrong?

 

Then there's the issue of how he deals with conflict, but I already knew that going into this. He knows that's one of his major flaws and I said I'd only stay with him if we work together on it. He agreed, said he knows it isn't right and that leaving me hanging then shutting me out pushes me away.

 

Anyway he hasn't called yet so I am just giving him space. I don't know whether to send a quick text just to see how he is/tell him I'm here for him or to wait for him to reach out to me. I'm leaning towards just waiting it out. Whenever he shuts me out I usually reach out first, but after going through this so many times, now it's like I just don't want to. Do you guys think I should take the initiative per usual?

 

--

 

If it helps, we have been together for less than year. He is 35 an I am 29. The reason why we haven't had a real date in a while is because he is a single dad of a 6 year old daughter so our time together have mostly been lunches, coffee, walking the dogs, movies or staying in. I'm the first real relationship he has had in years. Everything is great except for this. We have talked about the future, marriage and such, and until yesterday I thought we were very serious. Now I just don't know.

Edited September 27, 2015 by maja1

[Guyouthere]

You will get a better sense once you speak to him again.

 

It is one of 2 scenarios,,,,

 

Either he didn't want to burden you with it

 

Or

 

You aren't important enough to bring in the situation.

 

Personally, I would have told you.

[Qboro90]

I think you're being a bit selfish here. His brother was just in a bad car accident. That's the first thing on his mind as it should be. Having to hear your gf is upset or mad bc you didn't hang out or call her today is the last thing he wanted to hear and probably angered him after worrying about his brothers health and well being for the past several hours.

 

Instead of being angry at him and having a negative mindset as to why he hadn't called, you should've realized it was out of character for him to just bail and not call you, and the first thing you say when you spoke with him been "hey... Is everything ok? What's going on, I was worried something happened". Then he would've told you. Instead you were left feeling like an ass for breaking his chops then being told the severity of the situation.

 

Also if you want your BF to open up to you and share his emotions better then the last thing you want to do is just give him space now especially with these circumstances. if you were in his shoes and told him that a family member was in a bad accident and then he didn't reach out the next day to see how you or your family member was doing then what would you think? I'd think that my gf was a bit heartless and not supportive.

 

This is the exact time when you can lead by example and show him how a partner supports the other in times of need. Text or call him and just let him know you're there if he needs anything. To talk, vent, get his mind off it... If he's at the hospital you could offer to bring food and just be a good gf. Letting him go through this alone and relying on him to reach out when he's ready is just going to force him to think he's by himself and you don't care about what issues he's got going on and are only concerned about things that affect you and your relationship.

 

His family and brother are number 1 priority right now. Put your feelings aside for now and just be there for him in any way possible.

[Qboro90]

And you never gave him the option or chance to come to you for support. If the car accident happened and he was worrying or trying to communicate with his family or at the hospital then when he called you was the first chance he had or after he found out all the information about his brother and his condition.

 

You went right in as the upset gf and If I was him I would've reacted bitterly as well.

 

You should've called back or texted him apologizing, put your pride aside for the moment and realize that discussing ways he can be a better BF and the things you need as his gf is best left for another night when he's not going through a family emergency.

 

If you haven't spoken to him since then, then it's just confirming to him that you are not concerned or caring about things other than yourself. I don't think that's the kind of person you are so get in touch with him ASAP and be supportive.

[kendahke]

My boyfriend stood me up yesterday. No calls, no texts, email, carrier pigeon, nothing. Apparently his brother who lives up in San Francisco (we are in San Diego) was in a really bad car accident the night before and he hadn't slept because he was worried sick.

 

Not knowing about the accident, I felt so let down because we haven't had a real date in a while. I was very excited about this one and it was something we had been planning for a long time. I called him very upset because this is the thrid time he went MIA and didn't tell me what's going on.

 

He got mad at me and in one breath told me about his brother, said he didn't want to "deal with me right now" because I was "making him feel bad," and that he would call me later. Then he hung up.

 

I feel terrible about his brother, truly I do. I also understand why my boyfriend reacted that way. He's not in a good place and my approach wasn't the best, but

 

But nothing. His brother was in a serious car accident. Iit wasn't like he made his brother get into an accident in order to make you angry and stand you up.

 

I was angry because he told me this wouldn't happen again, where he disappears/stands me up/shuts me out and leaves me hanging.

 

I am now questioning our relationship, especially with all this silence giving me time to think... the fact that he didn't run to me for comfort for something this big really made me wonder who I really am in his life. That maybe we are not on the same page. Am I being selfish? Am I wrong?

Yes, I think you're being selfish and wrong. Don't expect people to handle crisis like you'd handle it or how you'd want them to handle it. This is so not about you, but you're trying to make it about you. Not the right time and not the right instance for this. Had you found out, instead, that he was already out on the town with his boys without you or posted up at home watching sports center when he knew he was supposed to be taking you out, then yeah, you'd totally be in the right.

 

Anyway he hasn't called yet so I am just giving him space. I don't know whether to send a quick text just to see how he is/tell him I'm here for him or to wait for him to reach out to me. I'm leaning towards just waiting it out. Whenever he shuts me out I usually reach out first, but after going through this so many times, now it's like I just don't want to. Do you guys think I should take the initiative per usual?

No. Give him space with his family to get through this crisis.

--

 

If it helps, we have been together for less than year. He is 35 an I am 29. The reason why we haven't had a real date in a while is because he is a single dad of a 6 year old daughter so our time together have mostly been lunches, coffee, walking the dogs, movies or staying in. I'm the first real relationship he has had in years. Everything is great except for this. We have talked about the future, marriage and such, and until yesterday I thought we were very serious. Now I just don't know.

Yeah, give him some space. He's got to get to the place where he misses you and if you keep running in to put "band aids" on his "owies" all the time, he's never going get to the place where he misses having you around.

 

Instead of mothering him, give him room to figure out his feelings over his brother being injured.

 

Or don't. Hopefully, he's moved on from being angry with you for chewing him out.

Edited September 27, 2015 by kendahke

[maja1]

You will get a better sense once you speak to him again.

 

It is one of 2 scenarios,,,,

 

Either he didn't want to burden you with it

 

Or

 

You aren't important enough to bring in the situation.

 

Personally, I would have told you.

 

This is what I thought too.

[maja1]

Instead of being angry at him and having a negative mindset as to why he hadn't called, you should've realized it was out of character for him to just bail and not call you, and the first thing you say when you spoke with him been "hey... Is everything ok? What's going on, I was worried something happened". Then he would've told you. Instead you were left feeling like an ass for breaking his chops then being told the severity of the situation.

 

I get what you mean, but like I said, this wasn't the first time this happened. The first couple times, I did ask if everything was okay because I was worried. So no, him standing me up and not communicating was NOT out of character and he promised he wouldn't do that to me again, especially for something as huge as this, which is why I was so upset.

 

Also if you want your BF to open up to you and share his emotions better then the last thing you want to do is just give him space now especially with these circumstances. if you were in his shoes and told him that a family member was in a bad accident and then he didn't reach out the next day to see how you or your family member was doing then what would you think? I'd think that my gf was a bit heartless and not supportive.

 

This is the exact time when you can lead by example and show him how a partner supports the other in times of need. Text or call him and just let him know you're there if he needs anything. To talk, vent, get his mind off it... If he's at the hospital you could offer to bring food and just be a good gf. Letting him go through this alone and relying on him to reach out when he's ready is just going to force him to think he's by himself and you don't care about what issues he's got going on and are only concerned about things that affect you and your relationship.

 

You're absolutely right. The main reason I'm not reaching out right now is because he said HE would call, which is something he only says when he wants to be left alone. Looking back at our relationship, he has been through a lot and I have always been there for him as a supportive partner and he knows/thanks me for that, but this one feels different.

Edited September 27, 2015 by maja1

[maja1]

And you never gave him the option or chance to come to you for support. If the car accident happened and he was worrying or trying to communicate with his family or at the hospital then when he called you was the first chance he had or after he found out all the information about his brother and his condition.

 

You went right in as the upset gf and If I was him I would've reacted bitterly as well.

 

As mentioned, the car accident happened the night before, Friday night. I called him Saturday night. Nonetheless I absolutely do understand why he reacted that way.

 

You should've called back or texted him apologizing, put your pride aside for the moment and realize that discussing ways he can be a better BF and the things you need as his gf is best left for another night when he's not going through a family emergency.

 

If you haven't spoken to him since then, then it's just confirming to him that you are not concerned or caring about things other than yourself. I don't think that's the kind of person you are so get in touch with him ASAP and be supportive.

 

I did text him an apology right after he hung up and to let me know if he needs anything, but haven't reached out beyond that. I am friends with his brother so I'm very much concerned and he knows that.

[maja1]

But nothing. His brother was in a serious car accident. Iit wasn't like he made his brother get into an accident in order to make you angry and stand you up.

 

Yes, I think you're being selfish and wrong. Don't expect people to handle crisis like you'd handle it or how you'd want them to handle it. This is so not about you, but you're trying to make it about you. Not the right time and not the right instance for this. Had you found out, instead, that he was already out on the town with his boys without you or posted up at home watching sports center when he knew he was supposed to be taking you out, then yeah, you'd totally be in the right.

 

No. Give him space with his family to get through this crisis.

--

 

Yeah, give him some space. He's got to get to the place where he misses you and if you keep running in to put "band aids" on his "owies" all the time, he's never going get to the place where he misses having you around.

 

Instead of mothering him, give him room to figure out his feelings over his brother being injured.

 

Or don't. Hopefully, he's moved on from being angry with you for chewing him out.

 

Thank you for the perspective. I really needed that.

 

To be clear, I didn't chew him out.

 

All I said was "What happened to you???" but the way I said it was the trigger because I was clearly very upset. I also didn't bring up any of this to him. These are just what's been going through my head today after giving it a bit of time.

 

Like Guyouthere said, it made me feel like I'm not important enough to him. If the situation were reversed, he would have been one of the first people I ran to, especially since 24 hours had passed since the accident. But you're right that I shouldn't expect people to handle crisis the same way that I do.

[newmoon]

how incredibly selfish of you. the guy's brother is in a car accident and you start fights over a missed date. you have very few chances in life to prove yourself to people in hard times and you showed a really bad side of yourself. and you're 29? i'm always amazed by some of these posts. just stay away from him at this point. when people are in pain/hurt they will reach out when they are ready, not when you want them to.

[katiegrl]

Qboro, I have a different take on this.

 

Her bf had gone MIA three times previously. They had a date planned for yesterday ... and once again he goes MIA... no reason given, he just blew her off. No wonder she was upset, most people would be under those same circumstances..

 

Had HE communicated with her that his brother had been in an accident, instead of blowing her off the way he did, then I suspect she would not have gotten upset.

 

But he did not do that, he just blew her off .....AGAIN.

 

In what world is this acceptable behavior from the boyfriend?

 

Most men who care about their girlfriend would have called or texted saying "hey hon, my brother was is an accident, gotta fly up there, but will call you later."

 

NOT just left without saying anything, blowing her off (once again)...leaving her to think god only knows what .... especially since they had a date planned!

 

I think HIS behavior was inconsiderate and selfish.

 

Yes his brother being in an accident is horrible, but all he had to do was send a simple text letting her know, and none of this would have happened...

Edited September 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[maja1]

how incredibly selfish of you. the guy's brother is in a car accident and you start fights over a missed date. you have very few chances in life to prove yourself to people in hard times and you showed a really bad side of yourself. and you're 29? i'm always amazed by some of these posts. just stay away from him at this point. when people are in pain/hurt they will reach out when they are ready, not when you want them to.

 

We posted at the same time so you might have missed it, but I did not start any fights. I asked what happened, but in an angry tone because he did what he promised to never do again, which I know was the wrong approach.

[smackie9]

We posted at the same time so you might have missed it, but I did not start any fights. I asked what happened, but in an angry tone because he did what he promised to never do again, which I know was the wrong approach.

I don't blame you for being "frustrated" over how he disrespectfully doesn't call you to tell you the date is cancelled. He has done this before, and is a repeat offender, even tho, I'm sure you had mentioned it/ brought it up.

 

Here's a tip: date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. He isn't treating you the way you want to be treated so why are you still with him?

[maja1]

Qboro, I have a different take on this.

 

Her bf had gone MIA three times previously. They had a date planned for yesterday ... and once again he goes MIA... no reason given, he just blew her off. No wonder she was upset, most people would be under those same circumstances..

 

Had HE communicated with her that his brother had been in an accident, instead of blowing her off the way he did, then I suspect she would not have gotten upset.

 

But he did not do that, he just blew her off .....AGAIN.

 

In what world is this acceptable behavior from the boyfriend?

 

Most men who care about their girlfriend would have called or texted saying "hey hon, my brother was is an accident, gotta fly up there, but will call you later."

 

NOT just left without saying anything, blowing her off (once again)...leaving her to think god only knows what .... especially since they had a date planned!

 

I think HIS behavior was inconsiderate and selfish.

 

Yes his brother being in an accident is horrible, but all he had to do was send a simple text letting her know, and none of this would have happened...

 

Thank you, this is how I feel. Though I wouldn't go as far as calling him selfish and inconsiderate, and how I felt about him blowing me off was completely different after I found out about his brother.

 

The bolded part, yes. I just feel that if something this big happened and you don't tell your girlfriend, what does that say about you relationship?

 

Also he didn't fly up there. He is and has been at his house.

[maja1]

I don't blame you for being "frustrated" over how he disrespectfully doesn't call you to tell you the date is cancelled. He has done this before, and is a repeat offender, even tho, I'm sure you had mentioned it/ brought it up.

 

Here's a tip: date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. He isn't treating you the way you want to be treated so why are you still with him?

 

Because everything else in our relationship is great and we're very much compatible and secure with each other. Honestly, all things considered, aside from this, he treats me really well.

 

No relationship is perfect and this is the one issue we have. Yes, we have discussed it and he agreed to work on it together and promised going MIA would never happen again... then this. So now I don't know.

[katiegrl]

Thank you, this is how I feel.

 

 

***Though I wouldn't go as far as calling him selfish and inconsiderate, and how I felt about him blowing me off was completely different after I found out about his brother.****

 

 

 

The bolded part, yes. I just feel that if something this big happened and you don't tell your girlfriend, what does that say about you relationship?

 

Also he didn't fly up there. He is and has been at his house.

 

Okay, if you don't think it was inconsiderate or selfish, what *would* you call it? Disrespectful? Okay I'll buy that one too.

 

And yes of course once you found out about the accident, you understood and were not as upset with him anymore .... and had he informed you of this from the get go, instead of just blowing you off (for the 4th time)... you NEVER would have gotten upset in the first place!

 

I echo smackie's comments .....why are you still with him tolerating this crap?

 

I would never tolerate my bf just blowing me off like that (and four times no less!)....there is no excuse for not letting you know what's up, unless HE was in a serious accident and not able to text or call...

 

Basic common courtesy at the very least!!!

Edited September 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[maja1]

Okay, if you don't think it was inconsiderate or selfish, what *would* you call it? Disrespectful? Okay I'll buy that one too.

 

And yes of course once you found out about the accident, you understood and were not as upset with him anymore .... and had he informed you of this from the get go, instead of just blowing you off (for the 4th time)... you NEVER would have gotten upset in the first place!

 

I echo smackie's comments .....why are you still with him tolerating this crap?

 

I would never tolerate my bf just blowing me off like that (and four times no less!)....there is no excuse for not letting you know what's up, unless HE was in a serious accident and not able to text or call...

 

Basic common courtesy at the very least!!!

 

Honestly, I don't know what I'd call it. I just know I don't want to call it any of that because all of those words *suggest* that someone else's (my) needs come first, which is so not what should be happening here since he's going through a very difficult time. He is hurting/mourning/whatever and labeling him this or that is the last thing on my mind.

 

I have been there and basic courtesy, etc. to other people is neither here nor there. BUT I would definitely let my SO know... not out of courtesy or being considerate or whatever, but because I love him and see him as a partner and thus it would just be second nature.

 

All I see right now is that him not telling me is a huge red flag about my role in his life.

 

That or he didn't want to burden me like Guyouthere said. I will find out when we talk.

 

Why I'm still with him, quoting my reply for smackie's comments:

 

Because everything else in our relationship is great and we're very much compatible and secure with each other. Honestly, all things considered, aside from this, he treats me really well.

 

No relationship is perfect and this is the one issue we have. Yes, we have discussed it and he agreed to work on it together and promised going MIA would never happen again... then this. So now I don't know.

 

The way I view serious relationships is if there's a problem and everything else is great, you address it and you work on it. People have bad habits/behaviors that they've had for years and it takes time to change that and they will slip up. When they stop trying and there is no resolution, then that's when you can say goodbye because you've done what you can. Or the person/relationship is worth it so you accept it as something you can live with. And this is what I'm trying to figure out.

 

Yes, he is a repeat offender, but it's not like this is his default behavior. It happens when he is going through a major life/family issue and either I say goodbye or be more understanding of that. He promised he would work on it and that's why I stayed. Now that he broke that promise, I am reaching my breaking point.

Edited September 27, 2015 by maja1

[katiegrl]

So how is his brother?

 

And no your feelings are not *more* important .....but they are certainly *just as* important as your boyfriend's feelings, don't ever lose sight of that, otherwise you risk being treated disrespectfully and inconsiderately .... as I personally believe you are being treated now...jmo.

 

I dunno this entire scenario just doesn't sound right to me....

 

I mean him blowing you off ...and then his response "I can't deal with you right now," and hanging up .....when all you did was contact him to find out what's up (after HE blew you off).. frankly I am doubting this *accident* is even true.

 

Sounds more like an excuse to go out partying with his bro since he's in town visiting. Again jmo.

 

>>"We haven't had a real date in awhile..... "<<

 

Define awhile. When was the last time you had a date?

 

Again, something just doesn't sound right with this whole thing ...he may be on his way out.

 

But whatevs, he is your bf, not mine ....I wish you luck.

Edited September 28, 2015 by katiegrl

[maja1]

So how is his brother?

 

And no your feelings are not *more* important .....but they are certainly *just as* important as your boyfriend's feelings, don't ever lose sight of that, otherwise you risk being treated disrespectfully and inconsiderately .... as I personally believe you are being treated now...jmo.

 

I dunno this entire scenario just doesn't sound right to me....

 

I mean him blowing you off ...and then his response "I can't deal with you right now," and hanging up .....when all you did was contact him to find out what's up (after HE blew you off).. frankly I am doubting this *accident* is even true.

 

Sounds more like an excuse to go out partying with his bro since he's in town visiting. Again jmo.

 

>>"We haven't had a real date in awhile..... "<<

 

Define awhile. When was the last time you had a date?

 

Again, something just doesn't sound right with this whole thing ...he may be on his way out.

 

But whatevs, he is your bf, not mine ....I wish you luck.

 

Wow, lots of assumptions being made here...

 

- His brother is out of surgery and is responsive.

 

- No one said anyone's feelings are more important than another's or that I'm losing sight of my own value/importance (the fact that I'm reconsidering the relationship and where I stand with him is contrary to your assumption). I'm just saying when someone is in a time of crisis, I believe you have to be the more understanding one and put your feelings aside and deal with it later because the situation is NOT about you. I've had similar family tragedies, and I wouldn't want anyone calling me inconsiderate, selfish or disrespectful for making a bad call just because I was in a really bad place mentally/emotionally/spiritually. I just don't feel that such labels or characterizations are called for when someone is going through something like that, but we can agree to disagree.

 

- Him saying he can't "deal with me right now" meant he couldn't deal with my anger and process feelings about his brother's accident at the same time. He had to compartmentalize. This was implied throughout the first responses on this thread. Not saying it's right or that I wasn't hurt by it, just that I understand that he felt attacked because I was so angry. Putting myself in his shoes, so to say.

 

- Why would you even assume it wasn't true?? I think it's awful and unfair to jump to those conclusions with someone you love and trust who has never given you any reason to doubt him. I don't know if I said anything here that indicated otherwise or if you're projecting your own issues/experiences, but no he has always been honest with me. Plus he would be very stupid to lie because like I said I am friends with said brother and his family.

 

- Where did you get that he was in town visiting???? Brother is in SF, we are in SoCal. (I don't know where you got the flying part either, earlier in the thread.)

 

- We see each other pretty much every day and "date" three times a week. As I mentioned, these are mostly lunches, coffee, walking the dogs, movies or staying in since he has a little girl and he is a single dad with very limited "going out" time. I am completely fine with this and actually prefer it, but it's nice to have a REAL date -- like a day trip or a night in the city -- every once in a while. The last time we had one of these REAL dates was a month ago.

 

- On his way out? Again, huge assumption. Everything else in our relationship is great and we are very open with each other. He pulls away and shuts me out when he's going through a major personal crisis, and while that may speak volumes about who I am to him, that alone doesn't mean he's checked out of the relationship. I personally believe that's a hasty conclusion, especially if you're in an otherwise healthy, trusting relationship. But, again, we can agree to disagree. For perspective and to reiterate, this is the third time he has done this in the 1.5 years we've been with each other (I'm including the pre-relationship dating phase, but we have been official for almost a year) and each time he was in fact telling the truth.

Edited September 28, 2015 by maja1

[maja1]

Just wanted to give a quick thanks to everyone for your responses. Really helped me gain some clarity and made me feel better about things.

 

Here's an update: I decided not to reach out. He called a few hours after I posted this, but he didn't say much. He asked if I wanted to come over and talk, but I said I need to sleep on this right now plus he's not in the right head space to have a productive discussion and he needs some sleep period, but that I'm here if he needs anything. I spend Monday nights at his place, so I said we'd talk then when our minds are clearer and my emotions aren't running so high. Thanks again everyone.

Edited September 28, 2015 by maja1

[Lois_Griffin]

Qboro, I have a different take on this.

 

Her bf had gone MIA three times previously. They had a date planned for yesterday ... and once again he goes MIA... no reason given, he just blew her off. No wonder she was upset, most people would be under those same circumstances..

 

Had HE communicated with her that his brother had been in an accident, instead of blowing her off the way he did, then I suspect she would not have gotten upset.

 

But he did not do that, he just blew her off .....AGAIN.

 

In what world is this acceptable behavior from the boyfriend?

 

Most men who care about their girlfriend would have called or texted saying "hey hon, my brother was is an accident, gotta fly up there, but will call you later."

 

NOT just left without saying anything, blowing her off (once again)...leaving her to think god only knows what .... especially since they had a date planned!

 

I think HIS behavior was inconsiderate and selfish.

 

Yes his brother being in an accident is horrible, but all he had to do was send a simple text letting her know, and none of this would have happened...

FINALLY a voice of reason.

 

Maja, this guy has been treating you like an afterthought for a long time, now. Blowing you off, not making you a part of his life, only making time during the day for a quick lunch. What are you GETTING out of this so-called relationship?

 

A few years ago, my husband (he was my boyfriend at the time) was telling me how he'd opened an account online for something and one of the security questions was, "fill in the name of your best friend." He told me he'd put MY name in as his answer because he realized that I was his best friend. I can guarantee you that if his brother had been in a bad accident, I would have been the FIRST one he would have called.

 

That's the difference between a man who truly values the person he's with, and one who doesn't.

 

This inconsiderate ass didn't even THINK to call you and tell you about the accident. If this was really a serious relationship, you would have been the FIRST one he called. Everyone is whining 'how selfish' you are, but the truth is, HE failed- not you.

 

You'll always be nothing more than an option to him. Someone he sees when it's convenient for HIM.

 

I wouldn't waste another minute on this selfish ass.

[Lois_Griffin]

Wow, lots of assumptions being made here...

 

- His brother is out of surgery and is responsive.

 

- No one said anyone's feelings are more important than another's or that I'm losing sight of my own value/importance (the fact that I'm reconsidering the relationship and where I stand with him is contrary to your assumption). I'm just saying when someone is in a time of crisis, I believe you have to be the more understanding one and put your feelings aside and deal with it later because the situation is NOT about you. I've had similar family tragedies, and I wouldn't want anyone calling me inconsiderate, selfish or disrespectful for making a bad call just because I was in a really bad place mentally/emotionally/spiritually. I just don't feel that such labels or characterizations are called for when someone is going through something like that, but we can agree to disagree.

 

- Him saying he can't "deal with me right now" meant he couldn't deal with my anger and process feelings about his brother's accident at the same time. He had to compartmentalize. This was implied throughout the first responses on this thread. Not saying it's right or that I wasn't hurt by it, just that I understand that he felt attacked because I was so angry. Putting myself in his shoes, so to say.

 

- Why would you even assume it wasn't true?? I think it's awful and unfair to jump to those conclusions with someone you love and trust who has never given you any reason to doubt him. I don't know if I said anything here that indicated otherwise or if you're projecting your own issues/experiences, but no he has always been honest with me. Plus he would be very stupid to lie because like I said I am friends with said brother and his family.

 

- Where did you get that he was in town visiting???? Brother is in SF, we are in SoCal. (I don't know where you got the flying part either, earlier in the thread.)

 

- We see each other pretty much every day and "date" three times a week. As I mentioned, these are mostly lunches, coffee, walking the dogs, movies or staying in since he has a little girl and he is a single dad with very limited "going out" time. I am completely fine with this and actually prefer it, but it's nice to have a REAL date -- like a day trip or a night in the city -- every once in a while. The last time we had one of these REAL dates was a month ago.

 

- On his way out? Again, huge assumption. Everything else in our relationship is great and we are very open with each other. He pulls away and shuts me out when he's going through a major personal crisis, and while that may speak volumes about who I am to him, that alone doesn't mean he's checked out of the relationship. I personally believe that's a hasty conclusion, especially if you're in an otherwise healthy, trusting relationship. But, again, we can agree to disagree. For perspective and to reiterate, this is the third time he has done this in the 1.5 years we've been with each other (I'm including the pre-relationship dating phase, but we have been official for almost a year) and each time he was in fact telling the truth.

I don't get it. A poster will start a thread telling us how crappy they're being treated, and then spend the rest of the thread defending the person they originally complained about.

 

Alrighty, then.

[katiegrl]

I don't get it. A poster will start a thread telling us how crappy they're being treated, and then spend the rest of the thread defending the person they originally complained about.

 

Alrighty, then.

 

Was wondering the same thing Lois G.

 

And to the OP...since his brother is in SF and you and your boyfriend are in San Diego, and your bf did NOT fly up to SF to be with him after his accident *Friday* night ....can you explain again why exactly your boyfriend blew you and your date off *Saturday* night?

 

Was there any particular reason why he could not text or call on Saturday letting you know about the accident and that he was worried? It wasn't like he was rushed packing and scheduling a flight, he chose to NOT fly up there to be with him ... instead choosing to stay right where you both are -- in San Diego!

 

So why not be with YOU, his girlfriend, Saturday night? It did not have to be *real* date, just spending time chilling with his girlfriend to talk through his feelings and concern about his brother!

 

And I am still not getting why (1) he had to break your Saturday night date at all since he chose to not fly up there...and (2) choosing to just blow it off instead of doing the considerate and respectful thing and letting you know PRIOR to the date he did not feel up to going out. Assuming THAT was his reason for not wanting to be with you, his girlfriend, Saturday night.

 

I stick with my original opinion, and I am glad you are re-thinking this *relationship*.

 

I don't know what you consider to be a good, healthy, respectful, loving relationship ....but trust me THIS isn't it.

 

And what I meant by him being "on his way out," is on his way out of this relationship, I think you should prepare yourself for the strong possibility he is going to break up with you.... soon.

 

Good luck.

Edited September 28, 2015 by katiegrl

[smackie9]

repeat poor behavior should be a deal breaker. If he took off drinking with his buddies on the weekends, even tho you feel he should be seeing you, that would be ok because the rest of the time your relationship is great? I'm sorry but this "all relationships are not perfect" is a cope out. He is disrespecting you. Bottom line he is not including you in his life, he sees you when he feels like it, and does whatever he wants without you. You would think if there was a crisis he would want you by his side for support.....but he doesn't, and that to me speaks volumes.

[losangelena]

I dunno this entire scenario just doesn't sound right to me....

 

I mean him blowing you off ...and then his response "I can't deal with you right now," and hanging up .....when all you did was contact him to find out what's up (after HE blew you off).. frankly I am doubting this *accident* is even true.

 

Sounds more like an excuse to go out partying with his bro since he's in town visiting. Again jmo.

 

I agree with the gist of your posts, katie, but I thought this was a bit much. "My brother was in a life-threatening accident" is a way over the line excuse if he just wanted to go out and party. That's like saying your grandma died to get out of doing homework. Whatever their other issues, most functional adults would not do this.

 

All that being said, I do think OP is wise to be questioning things. This guy does not sound like he's willing to try.