midwestlady Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 OK Sorry this is really long if you want just skip to the bottom where I ask the question. We've been dating almost 8 months. I'm 31 with a four year old and a five year old (girl and boy) and he is 40 with a 12 year old girl. He was divorced a year when we started dating, I'm more newly divorced but totally over ex etc. just giving background here. He wanted me to meet his daughter pretty quickly (in casual situation) this happened just once very briefly, drunk asked me to marry him (which of course didn't mean anything), had me come w him to vegas for his best friends wedding, etc. clearly nuts about me. I wasn't going to have him meet my kids until 9 months, but I ended up having him meet them at 6 months (and he was really encouraging this) and we seemed really solid and I wanted the kids to be able to enjoy some summer activities outside was a good way to meet him. I have met his daughter a couple times since that first meeting, at the obvious prompting of his friends he went to Vegas with. In the past month especially, he's clearly gotten a lot less interested in me. It seems like I'm below his friend on the totem pole of importance (which I won't detail) and it seems more often than not he'd rather sit home by himself or go out with his friend than come stay overnight with me (which is very convenient for his work by the way as it's right next door). He clearly doesn't want me to sleep over or be over at all when his daughter is home, but when my kids are home he comes over. I have my kids almost all the time now I only don't one night a week, unlike when we first started dating the situation was more fluid. He has his daughter half the week and every other weekend. On the weekends she is with him, I never get to see him. I brought up that my aunt is getting married in a few weeks, and when I asked about him leaving work an hour early to get to the wedding and not just reception he was wishy washy enough about that to make me realize he doesn't want anything to do with that whole situation or even to come along with me but he will at least come to the reception. So, he may come see me once during the work week to sleep over, and then I might see him two evenings/starting late evening one weekend but every other weekend I won't see him at all. This is hard for me, I feel like we don't see each other enough and our relationship is based on text messaging, which he really seems to like to text. OK, sorry this si long. So it seems obvious to me he's really decided he's not that into me, but I do not believe he's going to dump me either. I believe he considers me "eye candy" so to speak and enjoys that he feels it raises his status amongst people he knows to be around me (I don't wnat to toot my own horn too much here I'm really average looking and he looks good but I"m just going to say I am a lot more attractive than his ex and people are repeatedly pointing this out to him and teasing about it). So, I don't think he's going to dump me really, but I feel like he's decided he's far from sure about marrying me and it doesn't seem like he has any interest in joining hte families, it seems like he just wants a compartmentalized relationship with his daughter. QUESTION: There's a power imbalance now where my kids see him in the morning after he's stayed over night once a week and eats supper with us sometimes, but he doesn't seem to want me within a 10 foot pole of his daughter. Please read full thing if you're wondering how I got into this situation. I'm not comfortable with the current situation at all. There's a power imbalance here, and it needs to be rectified. Is it rude to tell him that I'm more uncomfortable than I thought previously about the kids seeing him sleep over, and that I'd like to keep that between us? I feel like that would harm our relationship, but I really don't know what else to do outside just breaking up with him, which I don't want to do until I give him a little more time (if we've been dating a year and he's still acting like this I'd break up). I feel like it's bad if he's backtracked on the direction of our relationship a little for mjy kids to be seeing him sleep over or even seeing him at all given the current cirumstances. What should I do?? Thanks so much in advance!!
kendahke Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) I don't see a power imbalance at all. I see a man who you have let have a little too much latitude when it comes to your life, but he's let you know that you do not enjoy the same latitude with him--and he's not shy or reticent about letting you know where you and him stop and him and his life with his daughter begins. It's not rude at all to tell him that you're going to follow suit as he has done and stop the spending the night stuff when your children are in the house. There is no reason why your children should be subjected to something he's not subjecting to his child--another adult sleeping overnight with their parent in their parent's bed. It should not result in breaking up--it didn't when he established this policy with you and he out of anyone should understand why you're taking this tack. Yes, it may result in him slowly vaporizing on you, but if he does that, then he was in this for s&g's, and really wasn't in this for the long haul. The whole fact that he seems to have backed up, emotionally, on you should be more than enough for you to make adjustments in your life accordingly. Edited September 27, 2015 by kendahke
Author midwestlady Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 Thanks so much for the advice. I have my kids every night except one night a week (though I can make it happen I have them an entire weekend and then an entire weekend off if I want in most cases) ad he has his daughter half of the week and every other weekend. When we were first together, there was a short time where my ex was taking them in the evenings more (not overnight). I don't really see how our relationship can work given this schedule and the tack he's taking. I feel at this point the main reason he's with me is probably because its' more convenient than being alone, he would look like a jerk and also stupid to all his friends and etc. if he did break up with me (so he'd prob want me to break up w him if anything) , but since he talks about doing things together months ahead o ftime I don't feel like he wants to break up , I feel like he wants a relationship of convenience where he gets to have me for whatever status thing he has in his mind and for the occasional lay and boredom buster. I always have this problem with relationships where after a few months I like the person more than they like me, and I want to spend more time with them. I previously thought it might be beacuse we spent too much time together, but in this relatioship that is definitely not the case we've never seen each other more than twice a week really and the other week we didn't see other at all. I get frustrated by it. I don't have to or want to be with someone every night of the week (though it would be nice to have sex every day ) but I do want to see them at least 3 nights/evenings a week. I don't know if I"m just too much of an attention whore or what but I always have this problem.
Recommended Posts