Saw the worst possible thing that left me shattered

[NeverHurtSoMuch]

Hey guys,

Many of you know my story and have given me some really good advice over the past few months. For those of you that don't know, I'm an 18 year old guy who dated his first love in high school for around 18 months. We were seemingly perfect together, super in-love and would do anything for each other. She even suggested we stay together in college, even though we didn't know where we were going at the time.

Around May of this year, she started becoming distant and pulling away, and in turn I started pulling back and becoming more needy and insecure. Anyway, we took a break, broke up and then broke up for the final time in early July. Following the breakup, I was extremely needy and borderline creepy, as I sent her letters and texts and even showed up at her house. In hindsight, these were all terrible decisions made out of heartbreak, and I regret them. She blocked me on facebook, blocked my cellphone number and unfollowed me on instagram. I didn't talk to her for nearly two months, as I was abroad. My friends would tell me that she hated my guts and would literally make jokes about me and make fun of me to them. They would say that she seemed completely over our relationship. When I got back from abroad, I sent her a snapchat message asking her if she would like to talk before college just to reduce the animosity between us. she responded with "Stop contacting me, I have moved on" to which I responded with "Okay, good luck at school =)" Two days later, she blocked me.

 

College started a week after that, and though we are at colleges only 30 minutes away from one another, I didn't think we would have much, if any interaction. I really had started to move on. I was talking with other girls, having a good time with friends and in general not thinking about her. Then, this week-end happened.

 

I walked into a frat party at my college with my friends, and out of the corner of my eye I see her in a room, her top essentially off with five nearly shirtless guys in the room with her. I couldn't believe my eyes, so I pushed my way into the room and tapped her on the shoulder and said her name. She made eye contact with me and tried to turn around and ignore me, but said "Yep. It's me." Then, all of a sudden a bunch of the frat guys started screaming "get the F out, get the F out" at me, and I was in shock so I just stood there while they grabbed me and physically threw me out of the room. While they were grabbing me, I looked her straight in the eyes and saw her yelling "Get the F out" at me, with literally empty, even mean eyes. So I'm standing outside of the door to this room with my friends, literally in shock, and I don't know what to do. The door opens a few minutes later, and four of the five guys leave the room so it's just her and this one guy in the room alone. Then, a few minutes after that, the guy comes out of the room shirtless to use the restroom. Meanwhile, I'm standing outside the room with tears in my eyes, knowing she's obviously hooking up with this guy in the room. All of a sudden, the door opens and everyone outside, including me sees my ex going down on this guy before the door quickly closes. Needless to say, I was shattered. In a daze, I stumbled outside and burst into tears. My friends were livid. After a while, she came out of the room and came outside. I was walking by her group of friends with my friends, and I looked right at her, while she tried to look away from me and ignore me. I called out her name, and she reluctantly came and talked with me. i asked her what she was doing at my college, and she said she was invited. I asked her if she would like to talk privately, and she refused. i was very polite, and I even apologized for being clingly after the breakup. The entire time, there was no emotion in her eyes. She didn't care at all about me, she didn't care that she had looked me in the eyes minutes before she hooked up with some guy. It was complete indifference, and it was absolutely shattering. In the end, I told her it was nice to see her and wished her good luck, and left with my friends. As soon as i left, she and her friends started laughing.

 

 

I feel broken inside. It has been less than 48 hours since the incident, and I've been in tears multiple times. I simply don't know what to do. How can she do something like that? Was it just to spite me? Is she dating that guy? Will she be at more tufts parties in the future? I feel like I was just on the cusp of moving on, and now I'm at square one. I can't get that image of her and the guy out of my head. I can't believe that she, knowing the guy she supposedly loved for nearly 2 years was there and making eye contact with her, could hook up with some guy literally minutes afterward. Please, please help guys. My friends have been extremely supportive, but even they can't comfort me. I simply don't know what to do.

[Zapbasket]

I am so terribly sorry this happened to you. In your shoes, I would be crushed and devastated, too.

 

The question of what NOT to do is easier to address than what to do, so I will start with that. First and foremost, do NOT reach out to her. Not now, not ever. If you see her at another party, go in the opposite direction or just leave. You won't be missing out on much; trust me when I say that your meaningful memories won't come from the frat parties you attended in college. Second thing NOT to do is beat up on yourself. You did nothing wrong and in fact behaved with class and compassion. Be kind to yourself and focus on surrounding yourself with caring, classy men and women who know the meaning of good friendship.

 

Third, don't let this embittered you against dating in general, or against women. This is just one isolated incident with one person who probably will come to tire of the frat scene herself. She did not treat you well, but other women will. Believe that.

 

As for what to do, we'll, that's the hard part. You can't unsee what you saw. It was a profoundly hurtful situation, a betrayal, the memory of which will hurt for some time. There's no denying that. Focus on pursuing your passions, embracing college life, and being the best version of yourself that you can be. All will fall into place.

 

If you find yourself unable to work through this thing that happened, go see a university counselor. This kind of thing is exactly what they're there for. Don't feel you have to shoulder this alone. ((Hugs))

[ExpatInItaly]

I am so terribly sorry this happened to you. In your shoes, I would be crushed and devastated, too.

 

The question of what NOT to do is easier to address than what to do, so I will start with that. First and foremost, do NOT reach out to her. Not now, not ever. If you see her at another party, go in the opposite direction or just leave. You won't be missing out on much; trust me when I say that your meaningful memories won't come from the frat parties you attended in college. Second thing NOT to do is beat up on yourself. You did nothing wrong and in fact behaved with class and compassion. Be kind to yourself and focus on surrounding yourself with caring, classy men and women who know the meaning of good friendship.

 

Third, don't let this embittered you against dating in general, or against women. This is just one isolated incident with one person who probably will come to tire of the frat scene herself. She did not treat you well, but other women will. Believe that.

 

As for what to do, we'll, that's the hard part. You can't unsee what you saw. It was a profoundly hurtful situation, a betrayal, the memory of which will hurt for some time. There's no denying that. Focus on pursuing your passions, embracing college life, and being the best version of yourself that you can be. All will fall into place.

 

If you find yourself unable to work through this thing that happened, go see a university counselor. This kind of thing is exactly what they're there for. Don't feel you have to shoulder this alone. ((Hugs))

 

Second all of this.

 

What a horrible experience. All you can do is continue No Contact and focus on moving on from her. It doesn't matter if she's dating this guy, hard as it is not to wonder that. I don't think what she did was just to spite you. She just doesn't have that emotional connection to you anymore.

 

In the future, if you see her at a party, do not approach her. Do not wait around outside a door for her to come out, do not request that she talk to you. I'm not totally sure why you wanted to talk to her after that, but you can see it didn't serve you well. She isn't the girlfriend you once knew.

[dumbass2]

Like the previous poster mentioned, this is not the same girl that you were with and she has zero feelings for you. It's your first love and there will be others. First one is always tough, but you have to see and accept that you and her are not going to be together. You want her for a girlfriend all to yourself and she wants to explore and see what's out there. You should now start doing the same. No one goes through life only having had one love and one relationship. I guess I shouldn't say no one, but I would guess in this day and age, probably 99% of people.

[mightycpa]

On the one hand, I'm sure seeing that hurt you and made you feel horrible, but even in the face of that, you still don't know how to act. You say this:

 

I can't believe that she, knowing the guy she supposedly loved for nearly 2 years was there and making eye contact with her, could hook up with some guy literally minutes afterward.

 

Well, you'd better believe it.

 

I'm going to give you some hard truths:

 

1) There is no betrayal here. You're broken up.

2) You need to expand your imagination, because Mr. Shirtless Fratboy is not the first college boy whose children she's eaten.

3) You're going to bump into her every now and again because she gets around, and she is relatively shameless.

4) You need to stop talking to her and stop being all nice. If you want to ask her for a BJ, fine, but the whole mewling and pathetic Mr. Nice Guy crap has got to go. Let me give you an example of how stupid you sounded:

 

You just saw her shouting to get rid of you, and she was so hoarse from shouting that she had to get an injection of man-caviar to soothe her vocal cords, straight from the tap. You actually saw that. THEN you seek her out and say "It was nice to see you." Holy ****! Really? Was it?

 

Maybe if you had said "It was nice to see you're up to your old tricks" or "It was nice to see you haven't changed a bit" or "It was nice to see you doing what you're good at" or "It was nice to see you the way I remember you" but that's not what you said. You were pathetic, and that's why they laughed at you.

 

You need to use this incident go help you get over her. Never let that image out of your head. What will help you is if you sit down with a pencil and paper in hand, and write down the incident that you saw. Then, underneath that, write down every feeling that you experience when you read it. Label them, give these feelings a name and be able to describe them. You will take away their power if you do this over and over.

 

Take a cue from this girl. She knows how to break up. Learn from her.

[MrReborn]

That's devastating, and I blame society for the way you acted. Reading your actions, you were pursuing her which a lot of movies show, and what girls say that you want to do but actually don't. You were acting very stalkerish and being blinded by love is very hard, but as soon as you start recovering you'll see she isn't that great. The reason why you acted so needy is that you relied on her for happiness, and were scared that you won't find anything better. You need a lot of time for yourself and a ton of self healing after experiencing that. If you need some real support that will help you realize what went wrong, send me a PM. All the best man.

[NeverHurtSoMuch]

The thing is, I hadn't talked to her for months, and the creepy things I did were months ago. I know I haven't been betrayed, and I already knew she had been sleeping around, so that doesn't surprise me, although of course it hurts me. What hurts the most is that she could go from a level of so much care to a level of not even caring if I'm alive or not. It kind of makes me feel like she never loved me, and that our relationship meant absolutely nothing to her. And I apologized and spoke to her politely instead of shouting and saying caustic things because I wanted to keep the moral high ground. It literally felt/feels like I'm living a nightmare, one that can only continue because she may be at other Tufts parties.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Never mind all that was written in the OP...

 

 

the OP needs to redefine this young woman as someone who was essentially topless in a room with five guys in it.

 

 

There can not BE any upside to placing yourself in such a scenario, even if it was for breast implant surgery.

 

(now open-heart surgery, she gets a pass for such a setting)

 

 

It isn't fair to excuse your own post-break-up behavior, but I DO understand your inspirations for it.

 

 

But what clear-minded individual would go to her ex boyfriend's university and have herself essentially topless in a room with 5 guys in it?

 

 

(*** unless, of course, you truly weren't taking the earlier hints, and were continuing to effectively harass her, almost then necessitating her drastic measures...)

 

 

The best way to forget and move forward is to focus on others... and that means other female prospects.

[dumbass2]

You have to learn to not be such a "nice' guy. Do you think that continuing to be nice is going to win her back? She's done crap and you literally just continue to be nice. Women don't respect nice when they know they've done somethings that are not nice themselves. You don't need to yell and scream and throw stuff, but being nice to someone when they're obviously treating you like crap is showing absolutely no self respect. If you don't respect yourself, others will not respect you. That is why her and her friends are laughing at you. Now that being said, in your position, the best approach is ignore because you are no longer in a relationship, so there is no getting upset with someone that has no feelings for you. It would be fruitless.

[NeverHurtSoMuch]

Never mind all that was written in the OP...

 

 

the OP needs to redefine this young woman as someone who was essentially topless in a room with five guys in it.

 

 

There can not BE any upside to placing yourself in such a scenario, even if it was for breast implant surgery.

 

(now open-heart surgery, she gets a pass for such a setting)

 

 

It isn't fair to excuse your own post-break-up behavior, but I DO understand your inspirations for it.

 

 

But what clear-minded individual would go to her ex boyfriend's university and have herself essentially topless in a room with 5 guys in it?

 

 

(*** unless, of course, you truly weren't taking the earlier hints, and were continuing to effectively harass her, almost then necessitating her drastic measures...)

 

 

The best way to forget and move forward is to focus on others... and that means other female prospects.

 

I had not said a word to her, nor had I texted her or contacted her in any way since early August. In fact, all of my friends went to a party at her school and I explicitly did not go simply to avoid the chance of seeing her.

 

 

So an update on the situation guys; I've spent the past couple of days essentially sulking constantly, because I am truly heartbroken once again. I regret ever having spoken to this girl from the day we met, because honestly at this point the pain is not worth joy that the relationship gave me. It turns out, one of my really good friends here knows the guy that hooked up with her on Saturday, and he says we can talk to him about it if I want to, but I told him no, I don't want to talk to him about what happened. My biggest concern is that my ex is now involved with some guy at my school and will be coming back frequently, as when I asked her why she was here, she said she was invited. Automatically, my brain assumes that she was invited by a guy to hook up or something, and that she will be coming back. If I were to find out she was dating this guy or something, I would be even more upset, especially if i were to see her around here. I really don't know what to do guys. Do i talk to him and find out what happened, or do I just leave it and hope not to see her at parties in the future?

[dumbass2]

No, you do not talk to him. It will do absolutely no good and you are not going to know if what this guy says is true or not. It will only leave more questions to go unanswered. If you see her again, at this stage, you need to not make eye contact and turn away. I can't imagine she will be at all parties you go to, so if you do see her and feel that you can't hang in there and ignore her, then leave. Go somewhere else or go home. For now, you're too emotional and she is fine with everything. She can see you and do as she pleases. You see her and you become an emotional wreck. For the time being, you have to ignore her for fear that you will do something else you will regret. You will get there in time and seeing her wont be a problem, but right now i sense that you wont be able to be at the same party she is at. Just avoid her like the plague and have a back up plan in case you see her at a party.

[frigginlost]

I had not said a word to her, nor had I texted her or contacted her in any way since early August. In fact, all of my friends went to a party at her school and I explicitly did not go simply to avoid the chance of seeing her.

 

 

So an update on the situation guys; I've spent the past couple of days essentially sulking constantly, because I am truly heartbroken once again. I regret ever having spoken to this girl from the day we met, because honestly at this point the pain is not worth joy that the relationship gave me. It turns out, one of my really good friends here knows the guy that hooked up with her on Saturday, and he says we can talk to him about it if I want to, but I told him no, I don't want to talk to him about what happened. My biggest concern is that my ex is now involved with some guy at my school and will be coming back frequently, as when I asked her why she was here, she said she was invited. Automatically, my brain assumes that she was invited by a guy to hook up or something, and that she will be coming back. If I were to find out she was dating this guy or something, I would be even more upset, especially if i were to see her around here. I really don't know what to do guys. Do i talk to him and find out what happened, or do I just leave it and hope not to see her at parties in the future?

 

Why the f*ck would you even consider talking to him???? Let me give you the answer to anything he says to you: Total pain.

 

Seriously dude, I know it hurts like hell, but you totally need to "nut up" here. She is being passed around like a peace pipe and laughing at you. If you ever see her again, stay away! If she walks up to you, tell her her knees are dirty and she needs to gargle as her breath smells like skank.

 

Then you F'ing laugh!

 

No more nice guy.

 

Find your nuts, buddy!

Edited September 28, 2015 by frigginlost

[NeverHurtSoMuch]

Why the f*ck would you even consider talking to him???? Let me give you the answer to anything he says to you: Total pain.

 

Seriously dude, I know it hurts like hell, but you totally need to "nut up" here. She is being passed around like a peace pipe and laughing at you. If you ever see her again, stay away! If she walks up to you, tell her her knees are dirty and she needs to gargle as her breath smells like skank.

 

Then you F'ing laugh!

 

No more nice guy.

 

Find your nuts, buddy!

 

If I say that, though, wouldn't I just lose the moral high ground and have her hate me even more? By being nice, it's not like she can blame me for anything. As for talking to the guy, I won't, and I'll just move forward and hope that she doesn't come to any more Tufts parties.

[pteromom]

Yeah, I wouldn't say that. Don't sell out who you are to hurt someone who has shown she doesn't care about your feelings anyway.

 

If you see her at your school, ignore her and walk away. If she shows up at a party you are at, leave.

 

It isn't as if she is going to be with this other guy long term. So it is a temporary problem.

 

I am sorry she hurt you so badly. She should have had enough respect to stay away from your school, or to at least be kind when she saw you. She showed you who she is though, and you do not want any part of that.

 

The coldness though - that is pretty normal after a breakup. You have to wall off any feelings for the other person so you don't hurt or yell or cry. It doesn't mean that whatever you had together wasn't real.

 

And NO - definitely do not talk to BJ guy. What if he laughed at you too? What if he told you something else that would haunt you? There is no good to come from that conversation!!!

[Satu]

She is not the person you thought she was.

 

She doesn't want to be the person you thought she was.

 

You've now seen who she really is.

 

Let it end right there.

[Chi townD]

Okay, first off, Frat parties are stupid and a waste of time. Sorry to any greek members in the forum, it's just my opinion.

 

 

You need to fill your weekends up with something else. Something to look forward to. Take a bus or train to the next closest city and go exploring. Take some friends with you. You can stay in a hostile for 20 bucks and a lot of places include a meal (whether it be breakfast or dinner). Just get away! Go camping or hiking for the weekend! Go watch sporting events! Go to a music festival! Just get out of there and keep busy!

 

 

Anytime you feel down, just remember her and her friends laughing at you as they walked away. Just remember she was half clothed in a room with 5 other guys half clothed. And as they kicked you out and PHYSICALLY removed you, just remember the look on her face when they were on you, she didn't care if they took you out and beat the sh*t out of you. She just didn't care. That should get you angry! That should get you motivated to do something more with your life. To have experiences that she's not having because she's too busy on her knee's.

 

 

Time to man up, dude.

[Satu]

If I say that, though, wouldn't I just lose the moral high ground and have her hate me even more? By being nice, it's not like she can blame me for anything. As for talking to the guy, I won't, and I'll just move forward and hope that she doesn't come to any more Tufts parties.

 

You don't have the moral high ground.

 

She's doing what she wants to do, and thats her choice.

 

You play absolutely no part in her life.

 

That's why you don't have 'the moral high ground.'

[Tobin]

Was it just to spite me?

 

No, she doesn't care enough about you to spite you. She's totally done with you.

 

Is she dating that guy?

 

No. I doubt she'd be dating a guy who would share her with a bunch of other guys in his frat.

 

Will she be at more tufts parties in the future?

 

Yes, It sounds like she was having a blast and the guys were enjoying the interaction so she'll definitely be invited back for more festivities.

 

I simply don't know what to do.

 

Move on. You said you already were, so keep on doing it.

 

Good thing you didn't join the group that was gangbanging her, that definitely would have set you back.

 

If you come across her in the same situation, just turn around and walk out of the room, do not even THINK about engaging, even though you might think of all sorts of reasons why you'd want to.

[NeverHurtSoMuch]

Thank you guys for all your responses. I know that what I need to do is ignore her if I ever see her, and just stop thinking about her. But, at the same time, I know doing all of that will be hard. It's going to be hard not to think about her when I walk into a party and wonder if she's there or not, and it's going to be really, really hard to just walk away if I see her at a party. It's stuff that I know I have to do, I just don't know if I can actually do it.

[Shock148]

First of all wow what a horrible situation. I can only imagine how much you are hurting right now because nobody would want a person they used to love "or are still in love with" have sex and giving blow jobs to another man or groups of men. What you need to do is just accept the fact that she is over you, doesnt care about all the good times you had in the relationship, and most importantly, she does not respect you. Her making fun of you, her disrespecting you, all of these things just shows that she is a woman not worth thinking about. I know how hard it is with what you are going through at the moment but you need to start thinking about the bad times you had with her. If nothing else, use this painful experience to remind yourself when you start missing her how she doesn't care and how shes with other dudes getting it on while you cry and swallow in your misery. Is that a life you want? No. You have to go out enjoy life, go to a local bar (if you are 21) or a house party with your college friends and hook up with someone. You need to just get out of this funk today and don't contact your ex ever again.

 

Honestly your biggest mistake was being so nice to her. You just came off as a pathetic loser who she could walk all over. I am sorry if this upsets you but after everything happened and you were still nice to her after the party? I am not saying be mean and scream at her or anything, but either don't look or talk to her or let her know when you were having a private conversation how effed up that was and I hope she has a good life because this will be the last time we ever talk to one another. She at least could have respected you a bit after that.

Edited September 28, 2015 by Shock148

[Shock148]

Thank you guys for all your responses. I know that what I need to do is ignore her if I ever see her, and just stop thinking about her. But, at the same time, I know doing all of that will be hard. It's going to be hard not to think about her when I walk into a party and wonder if she's there or not, and it's going to be really, really hard to just walk away if I see her at a party. It's stuff that I know I have to do, I just don't know if I can actually do it.

Its going to be hard for a long time man. Honestly if there was a pill people could take that can take away all the feelings, thoughts, and pain that person would be a billionaire. You need to understand everything happens for a reason and this will definitely make you emotional stronger moving foward once you get over it. If you see her at a party, cool good for her, dont look at her and pretend she isn't there. If you see her making out or having sex with someone, cool good for her. Why would you want to be back with her after knowing she was giving bj and having sex with 5 men at the same time? She's a ho and the frat guys know that. You have to do these things because if you don't then you will never get over her and she will continue to show you no respect. Put up a front and make her feel like you finally moved on and don't care what she does.

[Satu]

Thank you guys for all your responses. I know that what I need to do is ignore her if I ever see her, and just stop thinking about her. But, at the same time, I know doing all of that will be hard. It's going to be hard not to think about her when I walk into a party and wonder if she's there or not, and it's going to be really, really hard to just walk away if I see her at a party. It's stuff that I know I have to do, I just don't know if I can actually do it.

 

Lots of things are hard, but that's not a good enough reason to avoid doing them.

 

You need to completely erase her from your life.

 

If you see her somewhere, leave the place immediately. Do not speak to her. Do not stop and look at her.

 

Let her be a stranger to you.

[lil hoodlum]

I can almost gaurantee you that none of the fraternity guys respect her. She is nothing more than a joke and a good time girl.

 

She maybe "popular" with them now, as she is the new party "favor" ,but really, who could respect her and be proud to be seen with her in public holding her hand. By now every fraternity member has allready told and retold the story and is laughing about it.

 

I know you are hurting and what you have witnessed and experienced is really brutal. She and her friends might be laughing at you now, but what is there to be proud of with her actions?

 

I think in due time, she will be embarassed of her actions.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Dude, she's going to regret that for a long time. Future boyfriends are going to want to know about her past and she's going to have to keep a straight face, it will eat her up inside.

 

I had a girlfriend in high school who was kinda unstable and I was clueless and never stood up for myself. I tempered things before I went away to college but kept in friendly touch a little bit. My sophomore year winter break I was finally about to go back home and see her and a week before I was reading LiveJournal (it's still a thing in Russia), and see a long post from her. It was a graphic account of how she picked a random guy to deflower her (didn't go well and she told her friends it was rape). I came back, saw her mostly because I was worried about her wellbeing and she wanted to see me. She clearly regretted what she did, I said my goodbye and didn't see her for 5 years. I eventually came back and we saw each other a few times before it was too much for her, I think in hindsight realized what she had done wasn't very smart. She's better now and with someone who makes her happy. I'm finally getting there too.

 

Hope my story helps. Forget her, she's no friend of yours. Try to find a nice girl who you could never see being in some frat house with five douchebag bros.

[dumbass2]

If/when you ever see her again, the thoughts in your mind need to be of her giving a bj to that guy and her and her friends laughing at your ass after you continued to be nice to her. If that doesn't piss you off, then I guess nothing will. It's just not right to take that crap like you did and then to still be nice to her like she gives a crap? Please, just remember what you saw. That is her. The other girl you once knew is gone for ever.