Kkristine Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I'm 25, and I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have a pretty good relationship, but whenever I talk about my past, he gets very weirded out. For example, my father passed away when I was 14, and being that I was very close to him, I still have moments of grief. Whenever I bring it up, look at pictures, or watch videos, he wants nothing to do with it. I guess I still try to "keep him alive" when I want to reminisce, but he always seems awkward about it. He made a comment one time that I need to move on from it. I was confused because it's not a matter of moving on. I don't think my boyfriend is bad person by any means, but I guess I'm just trying to understand why he acts this way. Is it because he can't relate, so he doesn't know what to say? It's very frustrating for me because I feel like I have to have these moments in private when he's not home. I 90% of the time do if I need to cry or whatever, but it's nice to share these things.. 1
Terry8889 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) Why do you want your bf to grieve with you? And why do you feel the need to tell him about how sad you are about your father? Idk you're a little weird. I would feel akwardt too if the person I'm dating seems to have emotional instability and wants me to be part of it. I mean yes it's understandable that you miss you're father or whatever but do not make him part of it. He doesn't have to. Idk cry in the bathroom while you take a bath, or when he is not home or whatever. But why do you feel the need to tell him? You sound a bit needy to be honest and as I saI'd if I was your bf I will feel very akward too. Edited September 27, 2015 by Terry8889
EricaH329 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 First off, i'd like to express my deepest condolence! I cannot imagine what you are going through, and I want you to know that you can find support within this forum! Second, I do believe some people get awkward around that sort of thing because they simply don't know how to act. Whether it's because they haven't experienced it themselves, or they don't know how to handle themselves around someone who is grieving. I've experienced people who get frustrated at themselves for not being able to relate, and so they withdraw and become flustered (for lack of a better word). I think your boyfriend may just not know how to react, and so he wants it to end so he doesn't have to feel frustrated with himself. Either that, or he's just a jerk. You'd know better than anyone else. I think it's unfair that you have to grieve alone. And I can't imagine that it's helping you in any way. If I were in your position, i'd calmly express how his reactions are making you feel. Explain that you understand he may not know what you are going through, but you need him right now. That, at least, he should be able to understand. 2
Gaeta Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I am sorry you cannot find comfort in your boyfriend. Men hate seeing women crying and some people have a hard time dealing with grieving in general. He probably cannot relate or he's emotionally too immature to communicate that to you. How about you have moments to remember your dad with your siblings or your mom instead? After 3 years you know your boyfriend is bad at giving you comfort. I find it pretty heartless from him to tell you to : move on. You never move on from losing your father especially at the young age of 14. He could simply tell you he's sorry and hold you a few minutes. You can't change him hon, 5
Gaeta Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I find it pretty heartless from him to tell you to : move on. You never move on from losing your father especially at the young age of 14. He could simply tell you he's sorry and hold you a few minutes. To add to what I was saying: Have you told him how you'd want him to support you? If he's clueless on how to support you maybe telling him exactly what you need would help him deliver. Tell him you need a hug, a few minutes of silence in his arms, you need him to listen to a story you have about him, how would you like him to support you? 5
Terry8889 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 You should read the book, men are from mars and women are from venus. Guys dont talk about their feelings therefore they dont know all you want is comfort. In his mind he thinks you want him to give a solution for your problem. But he doesnt know what to do or how, bc he cannot bring your dad back. And as I said he doesnt know all you want is comfort. He cant relate bc most guys dont look for comfort when they have problems. They just go silent, hide in their cave and think about solutions. If you tell this issue to a girl, she would instinctively hug you and comfort you. But guys don't do that, their reasoning works differently.
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my Mom five years ago when I was 22 and I still do plenty of things to kinda remind me of her or keep her alive in my memory. I might wear the perfume she used to wear some days, or spend an evening once in a while listening to all of the old music we used to love together, or wear a necklace that has a photo of her inside. Unless I specifically told someone it was related to her it wouldn't be noteworthy. The people who say it's weird you still talk and think about him clearly haven't been through a traumatic loss. You never 'get over' a death, you learn to live with it. I think it's awesome that you're still keeping your Dad alive in your memory! I only got with my boyfriend a year and a half ago but he is always interested in hearing about my Mom, as much as he can learn about her, as he says he's sad he never gets to meet her and it's the next best thing. I can't imagine having to hide those thoughts and feelings around him. He probably gets freaked out because he's uncomfortable with grief and doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how to fix this so he finds it awkward and difficult. Most people don't know what to say to somebody who is or has been bereaved. He probably gets weirded out and tries to shut you down because he doesn't know how to relate to you when you're in that frame of mind. Have you tried actually saying to him outright 'when I talk about my Dad I'm not looking for you to make me feel better or say much, I just want you to show interest and listen to the things I say about this person who was so important to me'. Maybe once he knows all he needs to do is listen and hold you if you're sad, he'll feel more comfortable and be able to handle it better. Or... maybe not. If he can't handle it, you may have to accept he's just not a person who is good at things like this, and decide if you can live with that for the rest of your life. On one hand it's not the biggest problem ever if everything is great... but it would hurt me so much if I felt a partner just wasn't able to accept that sometimes I get sad my parent is dead and just want to be listened to and held. Heck, it's been five years here and I'd say over a year and a half my boyfriend has probably seen me cry about her at least five times in that period of time. I'm okay with it all now but sometimes something just sets it off and for a moment you're back in that place where it's all fresh and raw. Hopefully you have others in your life you can talk to about him. I like just being casual about it, I like that with my best friends we can laugh and joke and mention my Mom in conversation and it's no big deal, the atmosphere doesn't change. For example today I visited my best friend and her partner as they've just had a baby, we were talking about their new house and garden and getting a paddling pool in Summer. I have a photo of my Mom and I in a paddling pool in the garden having a bath when I was a toddler, it's a great picture as she looks miserable as sin and I look like it's Xmas morning lol, in a cold pool with shampoo bottles floating around. It's been in my Filofax for months as I haven't got round to putting it somewhere else yet so I ran and grabbed it to show her partner and we laughed at how cute the picture is and then it went away. Grief is a lot harder when you have to bottle it up inside to the person closest to you, and it comes and goes over many years. Can you live with this, do you think? 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 You should read the book, men are from mars and women are from venus. Guys dont talk about their feelings therefore they dont know all you want is comfort. In his mind he thinks you want him to give a solution for your problem. But he doesnt know what to do or how, bc he cannot bring your dad back. And as I said he doesnt know all you want is comfort. He cant relate bc most guys dont look for comfort when they have problems. They just go silent, hide in their cave and think about solutions. If you tell this issue to a girl, she would instinctively hug you and comfort you. But guys don't do that, their reasoning works differently. I see what you're saying but that book is extremely reductive, it makes out like all men are the same, all women are the same. It's down to individual personality. I know plenty of women who refuse to engage in anything emotional support related, they can't handle being around someone grieving, they refuse to listen to their partners or friends if they've had an awful day and need to get it off their chest, favouring the 'just get on with it' approach. And I know a lot of guys who are deeply emotional and sensitive, and comfortable with being around someone in pain. If you go through life believing all men are like that then you're gonna have some problems. 1
angel.eyes Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I'm just trying to understand why he acts this way. Is it because he can't relate, so he doesn't know what to say? It's very frustrating for me because I feel like I have to have these moments in private when he's not home. I 90% of the time do if I need to cry or whatever, but it's nice to share these things.. At 25, he's probably never been personally touched by death. It's hard to know what to say or do. It may also be difficult to understand the impact of losing a parent or why someone still thinks of it. I wouldn't fault your boyfriend for his reaction. You've just had different life experiences at this point.
Hopeful30 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) OP I get it. I once dated a guy who was like that, to the point I doubted he could feel emotions at all. It freaked me out. Even when I think back on this few months of dating him, I get a cold chill. If you're not getting what you need from your partner, you have every right to move on, and no right to demand he changes. This is how he is. Whether or not you will accept that from this point forward is entirely up to you. Edited September 27, 2015 by Hopeful30 2
thecrucible Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Are you retarded? First of all, he's not grieving WITH her. He's offering support, as partner should do. Second, it's not about expressing sadness, it's about sharing that part of her life with him. Isn't that what relationships are about? Geez, some people. I agree. If you can't convey your true thoughts to your spouse, who can you confide in? Possibly this guy is not emotionally mature enough to deal with this stuff. There are times in the past I've felt like I was treading on eggshells because the guy I was with wasn't supportive of me. He wanted all of the fun of the relationship, none of the serious stuff. You can temper your emotions without fully self-censoring.
Qboro90 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 How often do you bring up your father and your feelings towards his passing when your with your BF? While I understand that it's important for you to keep him a part of your life, I also can see how awkward it could be for your BF if this is a daily conversation or you're watching videos of your dad from 10 years ago while we watch a movie on Friday night together. And keep in mind he never met your father so he can't really understand or help you by reminiscing or saying how great he was even. Instead of bringing it up in a context that seems like your sad or depressed about it, try talking about the things he did and the happy moments you had so that he doesn't feel like a helpless BF who needs to console you, instead he'd feel like he was getting to know your dad and your relationship with him in a positive manner
katiegrl Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) To add to what I was saying: Have you told him how you'd want him to support you? If he's clueless on how to support you maybe telling him exactly what you need would help him deliver. Tell him you need a hug, a few minutes of silence in his arms, you need him to listen to a story you have about him, how would you like him to support you? I agree with this. Men have a tendency to want to fix things, and since he can't fix this for you, he feels helpless, and doesn't know how to deal. I lost my dad last year, and my boyfriend tried to *fix* the pain for me by giving me all this advice, when all I wanted was for him to validate my feelings by listening and comforting. I ended up telling him (nicely) to stop trying to *fix* this cause he couldn't and I just needed him to listen. It took awhile but he *got* it. I still have my moments from time to time (getting less as time goes on) and he's there for me now, listening, comforting, and supporting me emotionally. He's my rock. So talk to him! p.s. I am sorry about your losing your dad. ((hugs)) Edited September 27, 2015 by katiegrl 1
smackie9 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I get it because I lost my father 16 years ago and I still feel sad BUT I agree with your BF that you should be at a point now where you don't need to sit and cry over the loss. If your father could say anything to you it would be to move on and stop with the sadness and guilt. It's 9 years now, you should be smiling, laughing and talking about the good times you had with your father. To share those happy memories is what you should be doing with your BF, not cry on his shoulder. I think it's time to put the sadness away, along with those videos, and crying sessions. If you are still struggling with his death I suggest you seek out a grief counselor to get support and learn to get past it. You can't let this eat you up anymore.
xcupid Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 There's nothing wrong with having moments of grief over someone who you loved deeply. People respond to death differently especially if they haven't experienced it in their life. He may feel uncomfortable about the whole thing. He probably doesn't know how to handle it or respond to it - and that's natural for many people. He can't fix it because he's had no experience with it and there's really nothing to fix. It's a matter of giving emotional support in those times. All you have to do is tell him that in those moments when you're feeling down you need a big hug and whatever else helps you through it.
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