Ellyssia Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 A year ago I met a man online. From the first day we started talking, he told me he was training in his profession and remodelling a big house in his spare time and could not really offer a woman a full "relationship" due to his limited time but that he wanted someone in his life for sex, dating, fun times together. He was basically lonely, but felt he was not in a place in his life to start a family or get serious. I wasn't interested in him because: a) This is not the sort of arrrangement I was into b) He was not my type physically at all and I felt no attraction c) He is 8 years younger than me We continued to talk though, and he frequently asked me out. I always light heartedly told him that he was too young and there was no future so best to stay friends. He was always nice about it, never pushy and over the year we became good friends. We exchanged dating stories and told each other about our lives and I started to consider him an actual friend. A couple of months ago something happenned that scared me and I wanted to call someone and for whatever reason he popped into my head as the person I most wanted to speak to. At that minute I realised I might actually like him and feel a connection, and so I called and told him "ok, let's talk about that date then". We discussed then and there that if we met and hit of off...what were the terms so we both knew where we stood. I told him that if he could not offer me a full "relationship" that I would date other people too because I was looking for a relationship and to one day get maried. He said that was fair. I asked him what he wanted and he said "time together, cuddles, affection, trips together, dates, sex, fun and to enjoy it". So we ended up actually meeting after about 8 months as friends and completely unexpectedly I felt off the charts chemistry like I have never felt before for anyone. We went for one date and ended up spending a weekend together and I could have honestly just stayed with him forever. Everything about this person just felt right and he was so affectionate and talked to me all night. Despite me agreeing to the "no relationship" from the start, I felt very hurt when he did not message me a lot immediately after the weekend so to protect myself from being hurt, I thanked him for a lovely weekend but said it wasn't what I wanted and deleted his number. A few days passed and he contacted me quite upset and told me I had hurt him very much and he seemd very upset. He said that it was never that good with two people unless there was a connection beyond sex, that he could not stop thinking about me and wanted to see me again and that it had never been a one night stand in his eyes and he wnated us to cotninue together for as long as possible. He said he hadn't wanted to leave me and would be with me all the time if he could. We ended up making it up, and spending another two nights together and each time was just amazing. To be completely fair, I have told him I would not have a relationship because he as too young for me, and so I suppose he thinks he and I are on the same page. The trouble is I am just not on the same page at all and I want a relationship with him, irrespective of the potential issues. He wants to see me all the time and he makes a big effort but he doesn't act like a boyfriend and I really want that. I think I have already fallen for him and it's been confusing to deal with. He is not handsome, he has no money, he is younger than me, shy, skinny and none of the things I thought I wanted but I can't help feeling the way I do. I have a lot of much more suitable men wanting to date me, but can't change the fact that my heart wants this man. I really don't know what to do. I feel completely confused and my heart is hurting in my chest. If it helps to give me advice on how to handle things; he does not act all the time like it is just sex to him. For example he has invited me as his date to his friend's wedding, he offers to help me with my shopping and little things and he's told me he hates the idea of us seeing other people and that he definitely won't be and would rather I didn't. He has also said that if we fall in love we will make it work. I know it is mixed messages and I am just so confused and wish I had never gotten into this. I feel like I am half in a relationship and half not. What can I do?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I would stop seeing him altogether, not even as friends. You would like a boyfriend. He doesn't want a girlfriend. It's just not going to work and you will end up hurting even more, I predict.
Author Ellyssia Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 I was starting to think maybe the same thing. It doesn't feel very nice.
seekingluck Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I was on the other side of this one. Similar in the fact we wanted different things, he wasn't a suitable lomg term fit, good chemistry..the whole nine. We had a friends with benefits relationship for a few months. Then he started wanting more and told me he loved me. It was too much. I ended the whole thing with him. It wasn't going to work, and it was easier. I do like him as a person, but their is too much chemistry to be friends, and one or both of us would have ended up really hurt. I felt like I should have read into it sooner. Although he wasn't in a place to be in a relationship with me, he kept making future statements when we were together about moving in, what our kids would look like and all sorts of other stuff. I felt dumb because I didn't see it coming. I think you should end it because I do not think the two of you will get on the same page, and keeping him your life will distract you from finding the right fit.
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