Author so gutted Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 I feel better. I thought it was because he went off me physically.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 You know that's not true. We told you all along what it was. Family/ex- problems. So I don't buy that one for a second.
Author so gutted Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 So after 7 months of silence this guy contacted me. I had deleted his number. Here are the facts as he told me: - his wife served divorce papers on him twice and has asked him recently to sign them. **SHE** wants the divorce. He says he will sign it but is finding it hard to do after 20 years of marriage. - The separation occurred 2 years ago because his wife was concerned about a younger woman at his workplace. He said he did not cheat on her until after they separated. He slept with this woman and he blames her for the breakup of the marriage, said he was manipulated by her. It sounds to me like she threw herself at him until he gave in and it was sexual. He is not fully accepting his role in the cheating,... - he has realised this was a mistake. - he is now ready to move on, or so he says - he said he felt guilty about the way he led me on with hope last time but was not in a good place and was isolated from his friends and everyone. I have fallen for this all over again. I met him and he told me the above. He said he will not disappear again and has been in touch every day, calling me. He has not contacted me since yesterday (i said good morning first) and I am worried that he has disappeared again. This will always be a worry because of the way he left me. I heard him out because we were talking by sms and it was getting tiresome. The stuff about cheating came out face to face. I am in fear of losing him again, yet he has not even got the divorce. He said he needs 12 months to sort himself out fully (financially I think). I admire his brutal honesty but the fact is that HE came back and he has not yet signed the papers? I think he means we can have a relationship for 12 months. It has all been platonic so far but there is a strong mutual attraction which is what is bringing us together. I am confused and absorbed by him. I should walk away but cannot.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Oh, please. He was manipulated into breaking up his marriage? No. You said it yourself - he's not taking any responsibility for cheating. Guys like that need to be avoided at all costs. Want to know why he's suddenly back? Probably because the Other Woman got tired of him, and now he's knocking on your door to see if you're still a viable Plan B. The choice is yours: do you prefer high-quality men, or low-quality duds? I know where my standards are, and this guy is way below what I would deem sufficient to date me. What about you? 5
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 HE is NOT divorced - walk away. SHE wants the divorce but the implication here is that he doesn't, as he won't sign the papers. He is still hung up on his marriage. He feels guilty as he cheated on his wife - EA/PA who knows? She finds out and he instead of going "Sorry dear, how can we reconcile?" he continues sleeping with the girl... NOW he blames HER for the break up of his marriage... Hello? Truth is, he is now out looking for likely options as his marriage is not looking like it will survive. He probably doesn't have that many options, so he decided to look you up again. Forget him, he is in no shape or form ready to date anyone. He will just hurt you. He will use you as a "bridge" and once he gets his mojo back he will be out looking for other women to seriously date. If you want a fwb/casual/going nowhere relationship then fine, but otherwise say "Adios Amigo". 2
Author so gutted Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 Oh, please. He was manipulated into breaking up his marriage? No. You said it yourself - he's not taking any responsibility for cheating. Guys like that need to be avoided at all costs. Want to know why he's suddenly back? Probably because the Other Woman got tired of him, and now he's knocking on your door to see if you're still a viable Plan B. The choice is yours: do you prefer high-quality men, or low-quality duds? I know where my standards are, and this guy is way below what I would deem sufficient to date me. What about you? I get that he cheated, but he didn't need to tell me he slept with her. He could have kept up the story that she stalked him. The fact that he told me (there was no way I would find out) and came clean is more honest then a lot of men. I have come across a lot of married/separated men cheating who carry on with this. I am more concerned that he has not signed the divorce papers.
Author so gutted Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 HE is NOT divorced - walk away. SHE wants the divorce but the implication here is that he doesn't, as he won't sign the papers. He is still hung up on his marriage. He feels guilty as he cheated on his wife - EA/PA who knows? She finds out and he instead of going "Sorry dear, how can we reconcile?" he continues sleeping with the girl... NOW he blames HER for the break up of his marriage... Hello? Truth is, he is now out looking for likely options as his marriage is not looking like it will survive. He probably doesn't have that many options, so he decided to look you up again. Forget him, he is in no shape or form ready to date anyone. He will just hurt you. He will use you as a "bridge" and once he gets his mojo back he will be out looking for other women to seriously date. If you want a fwb/casual/going nowhere relationship then fine, but otherwise say "Adios Amigo". this is it, he is not a fwb option as I have made it clear that I will not be getting physical with any man until way down the line. He has kept his hands off me. Why has he come back knowing what I want (a long term relationship with a future).
Author so gutted Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 HE is NOT divorced - walk away. Truth is, he is now out looking for likely options as his marriage is not looking like it will survive. He probably doesn't have that many options, so he decided to look you up again. . He has options, he is very appalling... 1
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Why has he come back knowing what I want (a long term relationship with a future). He doesn't actually care what you want, all he cares about is himself and if he can persuade you even further down the line, to have sex with him then great, he will no longer be lonely and alone. If he can get his wife back in the meantime, then even better. He has unfinished business with his wife, do not get in between that, as you will be the loser here. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 I get that he cheated, but he didn't need to tell me he slept with her. He could have kept up the story that she stalked him. The fact that he told me (there was no way I would find out) and came clean is more honest then a lot of men. I have come across a lot of married/separated men cheating who carry on with this. I am more concerned that he has not signed the divorce papers. If that is the standard by which you are judging this man's character...then girl, you are setting the bar awfully low. Couple that with the fact that he is still married and you're looking at trouble. 4
Author so gutted Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 He has options, he is very appalling... appealing i meant!
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 appealing i meant! No, you were right the first time. 15
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Seriously though, he has even told you he would rather be married and he doesn't want a divorce, believe him.
Author so gutted Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 Seriously though, he has even told you he would rather be married and he doesn't want a divorce, believe h he has told me she initiated the divorce, he tried to work things out but she will not listen. He also said he is ready to move on. If he gets the divorce - does this change your answers??
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 he has td me she initiated the divorce, he tried to work things out but she will not listen. He also said he is ready to move on. If he gets the divorce - does this change your answers?? Well, it all depends what state his head is in at that time. This is essentially a "forced" divorce, he doesn't want it and so that will take him a long time to get over and accept. He also has kids so seeing his wife regularly will be a constant reminder of how he screwed up too. I know you want him, but you cannot just write a love story and slot him into it, he has a lot of baggage and issues, some you cannot fix and some he would not want you to fix either.
tinkerbell16 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 he has told me she initiated the divorce, he tried to work things out but she will not listen. He also said he is ready to move on. If he gets the divorce - does this change your answers?? He is appealing? How? OMG let's assume he is handsome, sucessful and charming. Like an exotic snake. It's as if you live for the bite. You know it's coming... you just can't stop yourself from touching the snake. You said you were 7 months without him. You survived. You need to evaluate why any of what this man is offering is appealing to you. This man is a hot friggin mess. 2
Author so gutted Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 He is appealing? How? OMG let's assume he is handsome, sucessful and charming. Like an exotic snake. It's as if you live for the bite. You know it's coming... you just can't stop yourself from touching the snake. You said you were 7 months without him. You survived. You need to evaluate why any of what this man is offering is appealing to you. This man is a hot friggin mess. I have not mentioned his good points. He is family orientated, kind, gentlemanly, attractive, we get along, have a laugh. He is one of the nicest people I have met for a while. We have a similar family and cultural background. A lot of men cheat nowadays, hidden cheating and go back to their wives. He has admitted his mistake. He did not cheat for 20 years.
clia Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Do you really think he's going to jump out of a 20 year marriage and into a new marriage and having kids with you? If I recall correctly, you desperately want marriage and children. This just feels like a complete waste of time for you. 2
smackie9 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Go by his actions not by what he tells you!!! This guy is a manipulative liar....and he is still lying. You can make all the excuses for him all you want (this is what he hopes you will do and it's working!), you ain't gonna convince any of us that you should go back to this dip s^&*. 2
Zahara Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 His wife left him because he was seeing a younger woman at work. He described her as his stalker for 1.5 years. She recently disappeared for 2 months and happened to come back in his life last week. I think she is the reason he has discarded me (and his faithful nice wife of many years). This man is a liar and cheat. Your words. And this man you claim is the nicest man you have met in your life. I think you've conveniently blocked it all out. And please don't base the truth just by his words. If you claimed then he is a liar and a cheat, then nothing has changed. I think you're now trying to brainwash yourself into believing what you WANT to believe. 5
Author so gutted Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 thanks for the reminder. I needed it. He has disappeared again, after a lot of promises which amount to nothing. He has led me on again. A real man would get divorced and then get in contact to test the water.
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 I have not mentioned his good points. He is family orientated So family orientated he decided to cheat on his wife, split up their marriage and have his kids living without a Dad. Yeah just the perfect man to hitch your wagon to.
GorillaTheater Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 thanks for the reminder. I needed it. He has disappeared again, after a lot of promises which amount to nothing. He has led me on again. A real man would get divorced and then get in contact to test the water. I'm not saying you're wrong, but what's that based on? The fact he hasn't texted you in a couple of hours? 1
kendahke Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 So after 7 months of silence this guy contacted me. I had deleted his number. But not blocked it. I am confused and absorbed by him. I should walk away but cannot. Yes you can. You choose not to do it. At least be truthful with yourself. You're confused and absorbed by him because you want to be. It beats having to do the heavy lifting required to be in a place where you cut him out of your life so you can move on.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 I have not mentioned his good points. He is family orientated, kind, gentlemanly, attractive, we get along, have a laugh. He is one of the nicest people I have met for a while. We have a similar family and cultural background. A lot of men cheat nowadays, hidden cheating and go back to their wives. He has admitted his mistake. He did not cheat for 20 years. With all due respect, I think you don't know what "family-oriented" and "kind" look like. His behaviour is the opposite of that.
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