so gutted Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I met a guy over a month, many times. We spent a lot of time together. I met his kids, family and he cooked dinner for me in his house. Only last week, he talked about marriage in the future. He is divorced, from a long long marriage. I might be his first date after a while. I last spoke to him On his birthday 3 days ago and he was very down, missing his wife i think. I feel led on after the time we spent together and talk of a future. Why has he cut me off? Its nasty.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I met a guy over a month, many times. We spent a lot of time together. I met his kids, family and he cooked dinner for me in his house. Only last week, he talked about marriage in the future. He is divorced, from a long long marriage. I might be his first date after a while. I last spoke to him On his birthday 3 days ago and he was very down, missing his wife i think. I feel led on after the time we spent together and talk of a future. Why has he cut me off? Its nasty. Because he's really not ready for this. His mouth said one thing, but his heart said another. This all moved too fast. You've only known him a month - regardless of how many times you've seen him/been with him, it's nothing in comparison to his 'long marriage'. He misses his wife (you think) and that's no way to act when you're with a new date. This is all too much, too soon. It doesn't matter if he initiated all the family,. lovey-dovey, kids and relatives stuff. He was trying to force progress, and sometimes, it just can't be done. I know you feel bad. If it's any consolation, he probably does too. He's not trying to be nasty. I'm sure that's not his intention. But he's trying too hard to move on, too quickly. You are the unfortunate one who got caught up in it all. Sorry. Step back, go silent, and let him do the approaching. I'm sure he will. Just try to be a little understanding.... 9
MzLady Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I agree with Tara. He's not ready. He wants to move on, but he needs more time 1
Redhead14 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I met a guy over a month, many times. We spent a lot of time together. I met his kids, family and he cooked dinner for me in his house. Only last week, he talked about marriage in the future. He is divorced, from a long long marriage. I might be his first date after a while. I last spoke to him On his birthday 3 days ago and he was very down, missing his wife i think. I feel led on after the time we spent together and talk of a future. Why has he cut me off? Its nasty. Again, sogutted? He didn't lead you on. He talked about marriage in the future for himself as an overall goal -- not specifically with you. He is struggling with his divorce and likely still grieving. You don't know that he has cut you off after only 3 days. Let the man breathe. It's only been a month of seeing him. He doesn't owe you anything. He is not committed to you in any way and isn't obligated to check in with or check on you. If he moves on, so be it. If you had been in an exclusive relationship with him for a while, sure, 3 days of no contact would a little disconcerting, but even then, I'd give it a little more time. And, if this guy was suggesting he might marry you during this month he was moving too fast anyway -- meeting his kids and family and spending that much time with you isn't a good thing. After a recent divorce, a man or a woman, will sometimes rush into a new dating scenario as a distraction from all they are going through. A some point, the reality hits them that they have gone too fast and they pull away. It's in their best interest as well as yours. It is YOUR job to manage your emotions and expectations when dating anyone and especially when dating someone who is recently out of a previous relationship. I don't care if they propose to you after a month, you still need to continue to manage your emotions and expectations for quite some time. Wait to see if he contacts you again. If it's been too long for you, you simply tell him that you want to move on and wish him well. 8
casey.lives Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Guys get caught up in the moment a lot.. they know what women want to hear and say things on the automatic. As a woman, we are advised to pace guys because guys are guys. Next time.. make a joke and tell him to hold his horses, it will diffuse the on coming pressure. 4
Gaeta Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 He is divorced, from a long long marriage. I might be his first date after a while. Here is your answer. You've learn the hard way to never touch a man recently out of a relationship, marriage. 3
CarrieT Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Meeting kids in the first month of knowing someone? Way too soon... In this case the "concept" of marriage was discussed - not the "possibility" of the concept as it pertains to you. 6
Author so gutted Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 I met his kids on date 2, he said he wanted to be open. He was a very nice funny guy (nothing physical happened just verbal flirting). He did say he was holding back because he was scaredof being hurt. I have see him cry during this time. He doeswant to move on but clearlynot with me. I need closure, this doesnt seem right. Is there anyway to contact him and find out whats going on.
Author so gutted Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 Again, sogutted? He didn't lead you on. He talked about marriage in the future for himself as an overall goal -- not specifically with you. He is struggling with his divorce and likely still grieving. You don't know that he has cut you off after only 3 days. Let the man breathe. It's only been a month of seeing him. He doesn't owe you anything. He is not committed to you in any way and isn't obligated to check in with or check on you. If he moves on, so be it. If you had been in an exclusive relationship with him for a while, sure, 3 days of no contact would a little disconcerting, but even then, I'd give it a little more time. And, if this guy was suggesting he might marry you during this month he was moving too fast anyway -- meeting his kids and family and spending that much time with you isn't a good thing. After a recent divorce, a man or a woman, will sometimes rush into a new dating scenario as a distraction from all they are going through. A some point, the reality hits them that they have gone too fast and they pull away. It's in their best interest as well as yours. It is YOUR job to manage your emotions and expectations when dating anyone and especially when dating someone who is recently out of a previous relationship. I don't care if they propose to you after a month, you still need to continue to manage your emotions and expectations for quite some time. Wait to see if he contacts you again. If it's been too long for you, you simply tell him that you want to move on and wish him well. In one month he contacted me daily, the pattern has changed.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) I met his kids on date 2, he said he wanted to be open. He was a very nice funny guy (nothing physical happened just verbal flirting). He did say he was holding back because he was scaredof being hurt. There's your red flag, right there. I have see him cry during this time. ...And another..... He does want to move on but clearly not with me. I need closure, this doesnt seem right. Is there anyway to contact him and find out whats going on. Nope. Closure comes from you walking away with your dignity intact and your self-esteem on level ground. He's got a problem. You're not the solution. Leave him alone, because the more you push, the uglier it will get. Edited September 27, 2015 by TaraMaiden2 9
CarrieT Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 A guy that contacts you everyday in the first month and introduces you to kids before you two even know if you are compatible is a guy that you should run from. You don't need to talk to him again "for closure." There is nothing there to close down. 8
Redhead14 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I met his kids on date 2, he said he wanted to be open. He was a very nice funny guy (nothing physical happened just verbal flirting). He did say he was holding back because he was scaredof being hurt. I have see him cry during this time. He doeswant to move on but clearlynot with me. I need closure, this doesnt seem right. Is there anyway to contact him and find out whats going on. You KNOW what's going on. Leave it alone. There is no such thing as closure from someone else. Closure comes from within. Understanding the circumstances, accepting them and putting away expectations. What do you want to hear from him? "sorry, sweetie, I am not over my ex, I moved too fast with you, and you weren't so wonderful as to cause me to miraculously get over everything I've been through". OR "geez, lady, I didn't feel like calling you. I'm dealing with some stuff and now you're up my ass too?" OR "thanks for not getting the message that I didn't want to talk, but now that I know you're so hooked on me, I can string you along for a while for sex when I feel like it because you're desperate enough to chase me down." OR "I'm sorry if you felt led on. You're a terrific lady, we just aren't mean't for each other (while in the back of his head he's thinking the things mentioned above). 8
Popsicle Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) Read this. 'Ghosting:' The 21st-Century Dating Problem Everyone Talks About, But No One Knows How To Deal With Also the fact that he was crying in front of you, tells me that he's just not ready for love or a R. Let him go. Edited September 27, 2015 by Popsicle
Gaeta Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Introduced his children on second date. Cried in front of you YUK! I would have never accepted to meet his children on a second date. Never ever. If he lost his mind - I still got mine!! Then he cries in front of me? pvssy would have shut down permanently! 4
jam.over.jelly Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Honestly, whatever it is he needs to sort out, his feelings for his wife, whether or not they want to work things out together, he needs to go through it himself, he needs to find out the answer for himself, and he will have to do that without you in the background. So I think you should just give him space, let him come to you when he's ready, which I think he will. Be supportive, be understanding with what he's going through, and let the decision to come back to you be his idea (IF he decides to come back). If you truly feel a connection with this guy (I know sometimes there's that little voice inside of you telling you that something just doesn't feel right, that although he's not ready to move on, he's not over his wife, you still can't help but wonder if after everything, maybe he will choose to come back to you, and you have hope that it will eventually happen), I wouldn't advise you to completely shut him out, even if he does choose to be with you in the end, I think you just need to live your life without him from now, date others, but be open to that option of having him back, of course you have to tread carefully here, don't welcome him back with open arms, be his friend first, and see if he will be emotionally available at that point. Who knows, before any of this even happens, some other lucky guy may have already snatched you up. Then It is a win-win after all. Good luck! 3
Author so gutted Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 Introduced his children on second date. Cried in front of you YUK! I would have never accepted to meet his children on a second date. Never ever. If he lost his mind - I still got mine!! Then he cries in front of me? pvssy would have shut down permanently! I knew his situation, he told me everything so why now shut me off?
Gaeta Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I knew his situation, he told me everything so why now shut me off? The question is: He told you about his situation why did YOU not shut him down?? He basically told you he would use you as a band-aid on his wound and you went ahead with it. People coming out of long term relationships need to figure themselves out before reinvesting themselves with someone else. He spelled out loud and clear he was not over his ex, why did you pursue this with him? 3
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I knew his situation, he told me everything so why now shut me off? Please re-read this thread for answers to that question. I doubt anyone actually wants to repeat themselves. Why are you repeating the kind of behaviour that lands you in such situations? I'm genuinely asking.
thecrucible Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 As everyone else said, he probably got in over his head and bailed. But since he is only recently out of a long marriage, he won't be emotionally available for a relationship. You need to make a rule not to date anyone recently out of a relationship. It's just too much to take on and these people need space to heal. It also must feel like more progress was made because you met his children and things moved very quickly. But sometimes these gestures don't mean anything. I've come to realise this myself. For instance, I've met the parents of several guys who I dated for a short period of time. It really doesn't mean as much as people think. And looking back and thinking about how their families acted around me, they were kind but you could tell it wasn't a serious introduction. Please don't despair. You've escaped more potential drama. You don't need to rescue anyone. He's opted out so let him walk away. 2
casey.lives Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Guys who cry aren't pussy.. Guys who HIDE are! 6
Author so gutted Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 Guys who cry aren't pussy.. Guys who HIDE are! Agreed! Im feeling very low and finding it hard to be strong. It should feel betternow but i just feel rejected.
smackie9 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 The question is: He told you about his situation why did YOU not shut him down?? He basically told you he would use you as a band-aid on his wound and you went ahead with it. People coming out of long term relationships need to figure themselves out before reinvesting themselves with someone else. He spelled out loud and clear he was not over his ex, why did you pursue this with him? THIS 100%^^^^ But anyways you were a rebound plain and simple. People do it unknowingly. They get tied up in it, then it takes an event like a bday party to have the emotions come flooding in. He was way over his head. He is hurting too, and probably feeling very guilty/embarrassed for involving you. Well now you know, him being fresh out of a marriage was a big red flag. 2
Author so gutted Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 THIS 100%^^^^ But anyways you were a rebound plain and simple. People do it unknowingly. They get tied up in it, then it takes an event like a bday party to have the emotions come flooding in. He was way over his head. He is hurting too, and probably feeling very guilty/embarrassed for involving you. Well now you know, him being fresh out of a marriage was a big red flag. I was horribly close to contacting him with an emoji, but didnt. 1
mystikmind2005 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Honestly, whatever it is he needs to sort out, his feelings for his wife, whether or not they want to work things out together, he needs to go through it himself, he needs to find out the answer for himself, and he will have to do that without you in the background. So I think you should just give him space, let him come to you when he's ready, which I think he will. Be supportive, be understanding with what he's going through, and let the decision to come back to you be his idea (IF he decides to come back). If you truly feel a connection with this guy (I know sometimes there's that little voice inside of you telling you that something just doesn't feel right, that although he's not ready to move on, he's not over his wife, you still can't help but wonder if after everything, maybe he will choose to come back to you, and you have hope that it will eventually happen), I wouldn't advise you to completely shut him out, even if he does choose to be with you in the end, I think you just need to live your life without him from now, date others, but be open to that option of having him back, of course you have to tread carefully here, don't welcome him back with open arms, be his friend first, and see if he will be emotionally available at that point. Who knows, before any of this even happens, some other lucky guy may have already snatched you up. Then It is a win-win after all. Good luck! This is supremely good advice! The only thing i would add - don't get caught up with false hope. My ex moved out in January this year, i was dating after only 3 months! What i learnt was that it is important to move slowly, you need space to process your feelings and you cannot do that in the middle of a brightly burning love affair. You can date, but not a five day a week kind of thing, no way, I'm doing just 1 day per week, that i can handle. If i date a woman who wants too much communication all the time, i don't like it. Your emotional energy is low after a big separation, so it is very easy to 'burn out' a relationship - hence, taking it slow is the way to go. 2
kendahke Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I met his kids on date 2, he said he wanted to be open. He was a very nice funny guy (nothing physical happened just verbal flirting). He did say he was holding back because he was scaredof being hurt. I have see him cry during this time. He doeswant to move on but clearlynot with me. I need closure, this doesnt seem right. Is there anyway to contact him and find out whats going on. Get your closure by writing out everything you'd say to him in a Word document then delete it. That is your closure. In the future, if a man does this within the first month of meeting you, then you will know that he's trying to outrun his feelings about the demise of his marriage/relationship. A.K.A. thinking out loud. He might want to marry one day, but that day ain't going to be in the foreseeable future, if he's being fair to you. An emotionally healthy man (and generally, they're not when they are the one) who *just* got out of a long, long marriage (especially if he isn't the one who instigated the divorce/break up) isn't looking for a wife or a long term partner. He may be looking for a belly warmer for his bed, but he's not in the head space to be anyone's romantic partner. He's too emotionally fragmented right now. Pace yourself and don't allow them to go too far too fast because your involvement didn't have the legs to support what he said to you or what you bought of what he said. If you go rushing headlong into "what I want", you run the risk of getting your feelings handed back to you. Leave him be. If he wants to talk to you, he'll call you.
Recommended Posts