AliasK Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) I have known my girlfriend for 2 and a half years now and been in a relationship with her since the past 8 months. We've both been serious about the relationship but now we're both attending grad schools in different continents and don't know when we'll see each other again. We met about a month back for 15 days, spent the best time of our lives together, promised to figure out when and how to meet again, and haven't seen each other since. Lately, I had had a feeling that her feelings have begun to fade and in my insecurity I pressed her to commit. I admitted that my family's financial issues and other worries were causing me to be vulnerable and insecure, hence the recent neediness and clinginess. Recently a family crises occurred that I wanted to share with her. But now without offering any reason she has totally cut me off. She's not responding to my numerous calls or texts because "I'm being a constant pain". I go to an Ivy league school and the work pressure is intense. The family crises, my girlfriend's reaction and schoolwork together are causing tremendous stress! I don't know what to do. Edited September 27, 2015 by AliasK
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 You DO know what to do. What's best to do, that is. You'd just rather not do it. I would surmise that you guys are quite young. You'll hate me, but - move on, drop the contact and leave this be. She's made her mind up that you were over-whelming her with your problems. You admit yourself, that due to outside circumstances, your approach changed for the worse. She doesn't want to hear it. Now, whether that's understandable, commendable appropriate or not, isn't for me to judge or evaluate. But she's decided to leave you high 'n' dry. You need to accept this, and try to focus on getting yourself into a 'Good Place in your mental space' without her support or company. Harsh - but true. 2
Author AliasK Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) While I truly and deeply love her, such a treatment is causing a very strong sense of resentment (like I was there for her when she needed me and she's abandoned me during my time of need!) which is very unhealthy! I'm finding it very hard to fight the urge to call her. This is disrupting my sleep and schoolwork. How do I deal with this? Edited September 27, 2015 by AliasK
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 You keep fighting the urge. It's a hard one to crack, but you need to go No Contact and maintain it. People who do this can justify every move they make, and rarely apologise. How old are you both, please?
Author AliasK Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) I promised her at one point that I'd never leave her (her time of insecurity in the long distance) and I intend to keep my word. Therefore I won't break up with her that easy. She has every right to call it off for whatever reason but I deserve a closure. Right now I'm just hanging in limbo. This might sound immature but seeing her online and talking to other people and completely ignoring me is hurting me deeply! We're both 25. Thank you so much TaraMaiden! Edited September 27, 2015 by AliasK
Author AliasK Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 If given the time, do you think this can be sorted out?
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 That would take mutual agreement, and you have yet to determine precisely what it is she wants to achieve here.... Given time, anything can be sorted out if two people are willing to put in the effort required.... That's the question though isn't it? What is her input going to be? As yet, that's an unknown....
Author AliasK Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 I understand. I guess I can only wait and see if she's willing to put in any effort. I don't know if after waiting awhile I should try contacting her again.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I think if you don't hear from again - that in itself speaks volumes.... 1
dumbass2 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 You can't continue to try and contact her. She knows you're there. Keep trying and push her further and further away. You have to let her contact you now. You CANNOT force someone to do something they do not want to do. She does not want to talk with you at least right now. If she decides to in the future, that's her call. You can wait if you want, but it sounds like you should be taking this time to work through other things on your plate and that will allow you to put this aside for a while and you can take a look at it again down the road a bit, but not now. 1
Author AliasK Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 I understand. That sounds like the right thing to do but also very hard! If she wants to end things I wish she'd tell me so that I wouldn't keep checking my phone every now and then expecting some communication. I need a closure! I know I should be focusing on other important stuff but with this constantly on my mind its really hard.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I understand. That sounds like the right thing to do but also very hard! If she wants to end things I wish she'd tell me so that I wouldn't keep checking my phone every now and then expecting some communication. I need a closure! I know I should be focusing on other important stuff but with this constantly on my mind its really hard. You never get closure from someone who's dumped you (I know we're not quite sure on that, but that's actually the crux of the matter). This is a time when you have to engineer closure for yourself, because she may be 'ghosting' you. Have you actually read the Full No Contact Guide? It's the link in my signature. It was originally written by a guy who had to actually work in the same company as the GF who dumped him. He learnt through experience how best to handle her actions and gave HIMSELF closure - so that in the end, she was the one feeling very much worse for wear! I would modestly point out that (with his complete agreement and approval) I tweaked it and added a few bits, modifying according to new ways of looking at, and processing things. (For example, when Caliguy wrote it originally, communicating things by text had not reached the pandemic levels it has now.) The best way to live life, is to live it well. Honestly, you can't abdicate your emotions and day to day moods and feelings to the control of someone who cares little enough to be absent. Turn your 'phone off, block her, or better still, change your number. Seriously. That way, if she wants to contact you, she's really going to have to show she wants to make that effort. If she's not willing to put the work in, then there's no reason you should, or need to make it easy for her to crush your spirits any more than she's doing now....
Author AliasK Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 Anything I do, I won't be able to help but keep hoping that she makes contact, even if only to apologize. I've only been in one other relationship before this and I was depressed for a long time when it ended. I remember it only got worse with time initially. I hate to admit it but she's succeeding. My spirits are pretty low.
Draper Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Anything I do, I won't be able to help but keep hoping that she makes contact, even if only to apologize. I've only been in one other relationship before this and I was depressed for a long time when it ended. I remember it only got worse with time initially. I hate to admit it but she's succeeding. My spirits are pretty low. That's just the thing - you have to try to learn from this. It's a terrible situation, but you have the power to turn it into something positive. Yes, it will hurt. However, in time, that hurt will fade and the best you can hope for is to walk out on the other side as a little bit stronger, wiser version of yourself. My first breakup, I was a wreck for months. I let her string me along and give me hope we'd get back together. She wanted to remain 'friends' and have the occasional booty call with me. This went on for months, until one day, something snapped. I had enough, and I haven't spoken a word to that girl since that day. I learned from that, and that's why when going through the breakup that I currently am, I knew NC was the only option. What I'm trying to say here is that you can use this time to learn and improve. If she wants to come back, it's up to her to try. I'm not going to lie, I still find myself hoping to god that my ex does come back, but I know I can't sit around holding onto hope indefinitely because it's beyond my control. If she ever does, I'll cross that bridge when it comes. If not, I'm already on the path to moving on. I know it's not easy. It's one of the worst things you can go through emotionally, but it is possible for it to become a positive. What doesn't kill you, really does make you stronger in most cases. You'll get through this, and we're here with you. 1
singme2sleep Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 OP I'm confused...did she actually end the relationship?
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 OP I'm confused...did she actually end the relationship? It's uncertain from when, exactly, the OP's GF "cut him off" but it would appear she's ghosting him. She has ceased all contact and has failed to respond to any previous attempts on the part of the OP to re-engage in any form of discussion. He's in limbo. That's an awful place to be....
singme2sleep Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Tara- I think for her to never officially end the relationship is heartless and unfair. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Tara- I think for her to never officially end the relationship is heartless and unfair. I couldn't agree more. But sadly, she's not here to admonish. All I can do, is offer the OP advice on how to act, from his perspective. I have every sympathy for him... 1
dumbass2 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Do not initiate contact with her and assume this relationship is dead. She has given you no other choice. Unless you were really over doing it with the texts and calling, then her leaving you like this, in my book, is unforgivable. You said she is talking with other people, so you know she could talk to you if she really wanted to. There will always be resentment on your end. To me, there is nothing worse and more hurtful than being ignored when you know you did nothing to warrant that kind of extreme measure. Hang in there. I know how tough this part can be, but know that her actions, or lack there of, are truly telling you what you need to know. For whatever reason, her feelings have changed and she's not interested. Someone that is interested in you does not ignore you that long and if they are doing it to punish you, then that is not someone you want to be with. It's that simple.
singme2sleep Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 My ex tried to end it in text messages but I insisted he meet me, plus we had a bunch of each other's stuff. I told him that after all we went through I deserved a face to face meeting. It was hard though, and he confused me by hugging me, kissing me and even saying he insisted I let him know I got home safe.
Author AliasK Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Hello everyone, Sorry for the delayed response, there had been a few developments in the situation. First of all, let me express that I'm truly thankful for all you guys' support. It truly helps and makes it a little easier to deal with the situation. She hadn't ended the relationship, She had only stopped talking and cut me off for a good period of time. I decided to ask her one last time if we could try and talk this situation over and leave it behind or if I she would like me to stop bothering her. She agreed that we should talk and make things right and then we both got busy with our weeks. We just spoke for a while again, and she revealed that she's thinking about ending the relationship because we share different views about spirituality and the concepts of religion, which is true. She wants to be with someone who shares her views on it. Maybe this is because I'm in a position where it is easy to overthink things, but the thought came to mind that she has found someone else. We had both confessed our love for each other several times in the past and had very recently decided to find a way to be together. This has now come as a bit of a shock and its depressing me very greatly!
Author AliasK Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Well we clearly are on different pages about certain things that are important to her. Maybe ending the relationship on her part is justified. She's only thinking about it at the moment which hints that it can go either way. But I have a feeling that this might be her way to mentally prepare me for what she's already decided and her attempt to let me go a little easy (am I overthinking things way too much or is this normal?). She's really not a bad person, but a person who's had a rough past who's had experiences that make her skeptic about a lot of things and difficult to trust people. Maybe she'll come around.
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