NGC1300 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Nobody to shame you. Nobody to annoy you. Nobody to criticize you. Nobody to 'compromise' for. No burden of having to 'please' anyone. Nobody to cheat on or abandon you. Nobody cutting into your time. No need for 'permission' from anyone. Nobody who's feelings you are 'responsible' for. Oh, but nobody to 'love' you???? Who cares. Love is a liability where you usually lose. Either the person walks off, becomes a different person (who you no longer love), or they stop loving you, or they die before you do. In any case, you experience pain and loss. I think it really is better not to bother with it. It is enslavement. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I think you are currently in pain & therefore in a dark place. Like dogs, zebra & other animals people are pack animals, they are designed to function in groups with others & do better when not solitary. Yes, love is a risk but the rewards are wonderful. Hang in there.
Got it Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 For some it's worth the positives. For others it is not. We all have different experiences so you have to look at the ROI. Maybe for you it isn't there. To each their own. 2
casey.lives Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Bad persons make bad decisions which bring bad outcomes. Good persons make good decisions which bring good outcomes It's the persons you choose to love .. not love that determine the outcome. Love itself is priceless ..
mike_89 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I think you can cope perfectly well so long as you have a group of close friends you see a couple of times a week. Humans aren't supposed to go through life solo, but if you have a ton of friends I am sure you can manage without a partner.
lemoncello Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 That depends on your attitude towards marriage. Marriage is more of a social choice than one of necessity these days. People get married for all sorts of reasons, rather than actually because of love. 2
mystikmind2005 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Well it comes down to the old saying 'it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' i am 43 years old, i can honestly say that so far life has taught me that this saying is clearly incorrect. Guys, if you have a woman who has proven she understands what commitment means, hold on to that woman, she is very special, and VERY rare.
hotpotato Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I think for some people alone could be better. Relationships can be fine but there are a lot of 'ands, ifs, and buts' in there. 2
Frank13 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 (edited) This is probably the most intelligent post ever made here. There are so many variables with relationships. Too many things that can go wrong (just look at these forums). I just read a post the other day how the person was totally happy before meeting their ex and now, because he left, she is not enjoying life and wishes she could feel like she did before she met him. Edited September 29, 2015 by Frank13
hotpotato Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 This is probably the most intelligent post ever made here. There are so many variables with relationships. Too many things that can go wrong (just look at these forums). I just read a post the other day how the person was totally happy before meeting their ex and now, because he left, she is not enjoying life and wishes she could feel like she did before she met him. Thats one of the reasons i only date every few years. I need time to forget about how unhappy breakups make me. I have one life to live, and i dont want to be unhappy and sullen. In the last relationship, i got really happy right before he dped me. That was really a let down. 99 problems... 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Nobody to shame you. Somebody to stick up for you. Nobody to annoy you. Somebody to make you laugh Nobody to criticize you. Somebody to give your self esteem a boost when you need it. Nobody to 'compromise' for. Someone willing to compromise with you. No burden of having to 'please' anyone. The pleasure and privilege of pleasing a loved one. Nobody to cheat on or abandon you. (this one is right - no one to cheat on or abandon me) Nobody cutting into your time. Someone to share my time with. No need for 'permission' from anyone. Someone to make agreements and decisions with, as an equal team. Nobody who's feelings you are 'responsible' for. The privilege of having someone put their emotional trust in you, who you can do the same with. Oh, but nobody to 'love' you???? Somebody to love, who loves you. Who cares. Love is a liability where you usually lose. Either the person walks off, becomes a different person (who you no longer love), or they stop loving you, or they die before you do. In any case, you experience pain and loss. I think it really is better not to bother with it. It is enslavement. The pain and loss is worth it. Since you think of love as a "bother' and "enslavement," I agree that it is probably the best thing for you to go solo. It is not a proposition where you just "get" stuff.
loveflower Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Nobody to shame you. Nobody to annoy you. Nobody to criticize you. Nobody to 'compromise' for. No burden of having to 'please' anyone. Nobody to cheat on or abandon you. Nobody cutting into your time. No need for 'permission' from anyone. Nobody who's feelings you are 'responsible' for. Oh, but nobody to 'love' you???? Who cares. Love is a liability where you usually lose. Either the person walks off, becomes a different person (who you no longer love), or they stop loving you, or they die before you do. In any case, you experience pain and loss. I think it really is better not to bother with it. It is enslavement. Thank you for the summary! Friends are liabilities too...
GorillaTheater Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 "I am a rock, I am an iiiiiiiisland." Got to go with Donnie: there's risk involved with anything worth having. It might be true that it's the risk that makes something worth having.
loveflower Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 This is probably the most intelligent post ever made here. There are so many variables with relationships. Too many things that can go wrong (just look at these forums). I just read a post the other day how the person was totally happy before meeting their ex and now, because he left, she is not enjoying life and wishes she could feel like she did before she met him. yes, relationship could be soul destroying. you are just not the same ever again.
Author NGC1300 Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 It is not a proposition where you just "get" stuff. It really is though. If there was nothing "in it for them", nobody would enter long term relationships. 1
Author NGC1300 Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) The pain and loss is worth it. That's what people have to tell themselves, to get through the days. The truth is, any degree of pain and loss makes life less than desirable. Sorry to get too philosophical, but pain and suffering is a "stronger" emotion than joy or contentedness. As an example, say someone has a child, and they experience joy. Now let us say they tragically lose that child. The resulting suffering is a much stronger emotion than whatever joy they experienced when the child was born. It does not balance out. It sounds horrible, but such a person would be in a better position had they never had the child at all. However, humans are inclined to optimism, so this will be fervently denied. You may have heard the phrase "live the moment". But when someone goes away, the reciprocal is emphasized; "cherish the memories". This is just one example of the type of mental gymnastics people will employ to convince themselves everything is ok, even if it isn't. Edited September 30, 2015 by NGC1300
Imported Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 mental gymnastics people will employ to convince themselves everything is ok, even if it isn't. 10 characters
Gloria25 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 That's what people have to tell themselves, to get through the days. The truth is, any degree of pain and loss makes life less than desirable. Sorry to get too philosophical, but pain and suffering is a "stronger" emotion than joy or contentedness. As an example, say someone has a child, and they experience joy. Now let us say they tragically lose that child. The resulting suffering is a much stronger emotion than whatever joy they experienced when the child was born. It does not balance out. It sounds horrible, but such a person would be in a better position had they never had the child at all. However, humans are inclined to optimism, so this will be fervently denied. You may have heard the phrase "live the moment". But when someone goes away, the reciprocal is emphasized; "cherish the memories". This is just one example of the type of mental gymnastics people will employ to convince themselves everything is ok, even if it isn't. Well, not EVERY relationship has such a heavy negative...I mean, not everyone that has a kid is gonna end up losing the kid tragically to death. Probably the worst some people may have is putting up with the kid saying "no" to doing the dishes Not all of us are alike. Yes, we are gregarious creatures and need interaction with others, but I still think for some of us (like me) that need is limited. Why? Well, I think part of it is environment. I recall growing up and just hating being home. I just wanted my own space. I used to literally walk the streets after school and/or work cuz I didn't wanna come home to all the drama. So, I've grown up always wanting my own "space" and if someone infringes upon that "space" I sorta get/feel "trapped". And yes, being dumped is painful. Again, I think it stems from my childhood where parents really weren't "there" for us, felt that we were a burden, and really never bonded with us. So yep, you sorta fear putting your heart in someone's hands (i.e. your parents) only for them to drop it (a break up). Also, just cuz someone isn't married and/or doesn't have kids doesn't mean they are "alone". Like me...when my family isn't/wasn't in the picture, I'd work out a lot. I'd work long hours. I'd volunteer and go out with friends. I used to spend hours at friends' houses. Drive out of town to hang with friends, etc....but I was in control of how much time I spent with them. When you have a spouse and/or kids you sorta gotta give up that "control" of if/when you have time to yourself. But, then again, with support of family (i.e. grandparents taking the kids for the weekend) and/or baby sitters and stuff - I think if you make it a priority and plan, you can have time to yourself(selves) and get a break now and then. Is the sacrifice of a spouse and/or kids worth it? Eh, again, depends on you. I mean, my family drives me up the flippin' wall. But then, there's moments when we're joking, playing games, eating, laughing at something the kids do and it sorta makes it worth it - although there's times it seems like you put more into it than you get out of it. Also, you may also try finding a SO who wants the same things you do. There are people who just wanna marry w/o having kids. There are people who only agree to one or two kids cuz after one kid they figure out that they don't wanna go through all that again. Gotta find someone who isn't gonna fill you up with 10 kids and make your life a living heck. So, IMO, no one has to be "alone"...it sorta takes finding the right person and molding your life where you strike that balance between interacting with others and also having "your" time/independence. 1
toolforgrowth Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I wouldn't say one is better than the other in every situation. It depends on a lot of factors. I'm quite satisfied to be single. My most recent relationship ended a couple weeks ago. I had a moment of sadness, and then I was over it. I'm quite good at being single. I felt relieved. On the flip side, I have a date on Saturday which I'm rather looking forward to. When a relationship no longer gives me satisfaction, I end it. But I don't purposefully shy away from them either. The bottom line is I know I'll always be okay, even downright happy, when I'm single. It makes meeting women and entering into relationships less scary. 1
stemgeek Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I've kinda thinking a similar thing: Because I'm taking a probability course right now, I always wonder that if you can quantify the rewards, costs, and risks of love, whether or not the Expected Value of Love is ultimately positive or negative.
regine_phalange Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 It depends on how you are single and on how you are "taken". I tend to be calmer and happier when single (or, to put it more correctly, this has been my experience until now). But on the other hand I do believe that there is someone somewhere in the world around whom I'll feel happy calm and loved. 1
loveflower Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I wouldn't say one is better than the other in every situation. It depends on a lot of factors. . Yes, but we are talking about probability. say, maybe generally 90% of the times, single is better?
pteromom Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Sorry to get too philosophical, but pain and suffering is a "stronger" emotion than joy or contentedness. As an example, say someone has a child, and they experience joy. Now let us say they tragically lose that child. The resulting suffering is a much stronger emotion than whatever joy they experienced when the child was born. It does not balance out. It sounds horrible, but such a person would be in a better position had they never had the child at all. However, humans are inclined to optimism, so this will be fervently denied. I don't know anyone who has lost a child who wishes the child had never existed. It's not mental gymnastics to allow someone to bring deep meaning into your life, even if it is short term. I don't know that losing a child is a good comparison to relationships though. I think there are some cases where a person IS better off not being in a relationship. If they are happy and fulfilled, and aren't lonely, and are ok with not having the benefits of a relationship, then maybe staying single IS the right choice. It's all a matter of what you want your life to look like, and what is important to you. If having a family, and children, and grandkids, and passing down family traditions, and having someone beside you through life's trials is important, then you have to heal and start searching again. But if you want to indulge in your hobbies, enjoy your friendships, travel the world, create art, and live life 100% on your own terms, then being single is a perfectly valid choice. 2
pteromom Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I've kinda thinking a similar thing: Because I'm taking a probability course right now, I always wonder that if you can quantify the rewards, costs, and risks of love, whether or not the Expected Value of Love is ultimately positive or negative. This is going to 100% depend on each individual person and how they choose potential relationships. If someone knows him/herself well, has a good head/heart balance, and is capable of walking away when it is obvious the other person isn't what they want, their odds of finding a GOOD relationship go way up. If someone takes whatever comes to them, then clings desperately to it even when the relationship is rocky or going nowhere, their odds go way down - unless they LEARN and get wiser. 1
Gloria25 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 This is going to 100% depend on each individual person and how they choose potential relationships. If someone knows him/herself well, has a good head/heart balance, and is capable of walking away when it is obvious the other person isn't what they want, their odds of finding a GOOD relationship go way up. If someone takes whatever comes to them, then clings desperately to it even when the relationship is rocky or going nowhere, their odds go way down - unless they LEARN and get wiser. Both of your posts ^^ just perrrrfect... I see too many people coupling up, marrying, and/or having kids not cuz it's something they want out of life - but cuz they "think" they have to do it to fit in with others, not be alone and/or lose the person they met, cuz they don't know what else they wanna do in life, etc.....ALL reasons that's probably gonna end up bad for them, their spouse(s) and/or kids, cuz when after they gave marriage and/or kids a "try" and figured out they really didn't want that - it's downhill from there and/or they'll just be stuck till the kids are 18 and in worst cases, even once the kids are 18 and out, they'll still be "stuck" cuz they still don't care to find out who they are and/or what they want with life (i.e. hobbies, travel, sports, career, etc). They pretty much just get up every day, go to work, wash/rinse/repeat until they die.
Recommended Posts