Ex "would love to meet for coffee to have closure"

[buddha84]

So, if anyone has seen my other posts, they would know that there has been some hell since my breakup. My ex cheated on me for months before our breakup, I have now moved out, and yes, I sent her emails. I mainly told her a while ago that maybe we could meet for coffee at some point (in some months) and say our official goodbyes (I will be moving).

 

So after some days, I get an email with her saying that she would love to meet for coffee; that reading my emails made her sad; that "I can't imagine just never seeing you again after the last time we saw each other".

 

She is currently in a "committed relationship" with the guy she was cheating on me with. He has my same name and is 10 years older than her. Since the breakup, I've gotten in great shape (lost 40lbs down to 160 from 200), got a promotion at work to a management position, and I've been really working on myself. I am just conflicted because I know that meeting her will bring pain, and that closure only comes from inside. I just think that she never really dealt with our breakup, even though she did the dumping (at the suggestion of her therapist). Her saying that she wants to meet for closure just shows me how little she has actually worked on herself or how little she understands the situation.

 

I was wondering if anyone else has had this kind of experience? I know that I can never get back with her since she cheated on me. I know that I need to move on, yet a part of me still wants to meet up and talk to her. During our relationship, I became really depressed, was stuck in my job, and complained all the time. Now that we are broken up, I've accomplished so much - playing guitar a lot, reading a lot, going out, working out. I've even signed up for brazilian jiu jitsu classes and jeet kune do. I'm also going to be doing crossfit. I just feel like a better person, but I'm still working on my self-esteem. It would be stupid to meet up with her, and wouldn't offer any kind of closure, agree?

 

I do feel better though, knowing that about 2 months ago, if she would "love to meet for coffee" I would have already been jumping in my car and asking where. Now all I could say was that we need to wait a bit of time until I am 100% over her and moved on.

Edited September 27, 2015 by buddha84

[Qboro90]

You answered your own question. You've gotten past the depressed "life sucks" phase and have clearly improved your life and career since. Why would you want to start that all over again just so she can in all likelihood brag about how happy she is with her new BF and that she wishes you the best in your future and hopes you can remain friends.

 

there won't be some ego boosting meeting where she tells you she made a mistake and is miserable and think about you all the time. She's doing it because you bombarded her with emails so she's giving you what you asked for during your desperation and heartache. Now that you have a clear mind and things that you have prioritized , coffee wit the cheating ex just doesn't seem to be very necessary does it?

[buddha84]

Nope, it sure doesn't. Oddly enough, she actually keeps any mention of the other guy from me. Even when we lived together, she would barely mention him. More than likely, she is viewing me as weak and with pity. This is why I know I have to stay strong and keep away. There's a lot of other women out there, and I've been improving exponentially. She can have the fun time getting over me since she now lives in our apartment that we picked out together, is dating a guy with my same first name (we went out for 4 years, I'd never date another person with her name, at least not this soon haha), and doesn't seem to be doing much with herself.

[greenleaves54]

I haven't read your earlier thread but why would you want to meet up with someone who cheated on you and give them closure?

 

My ex didn't cheat on me, but If she suggested a coffee I would tell her that would be a really bad idea. I understand that you want to show her the new, improved you but the best way to show her that you are now above her would be just telling her: "Coffee? Na, I got better things to do."

[buddha84]

I was still living at the apartment and I said my official goodbyes. Then, being still in a heartache state, I said that maybe we could say our goodbyes in person. She didn't respond for some days, and I changed my mind about it. Then I get a couple of emails from her saying that she would love to meet for coffee and can't picture me not being in her life. I know that I can't take her back or meet her. It just hurts because it was 4 years and she was my "college sweetheart". But I realize that I deserve and can do better. Flashes of insight have hit me - about how I was trying to do everything for her, wasn't watching movies I liked, playing my guitar much, reading, or working on my spirituality.

 

Since I've been on my own, I've meditated a bunch, met new friends, and I'm just in a better place. Going back to her, aside from the cheating, would just suck the life out me. I realize this - unfortunately love throws your chemicals in your brain all off. Luckily, the good memories are starting to be buried by "reality" - that things weren't that great, that I'm 30 and she is only 24, that I didn't learn much from her and wasn't that interested in what she had to say.

[greenleaves54]

I was still living at the apartment and I said my official goodbyes. Then, being still in a heartache state, I said that maybe we could say our goodbyes in person. She didn't respond for some days, and I changed my mind about it. Then I get a couple of emails from her saying that she would love to meet for coffee and can't picture me not being in her life. I know that I can't take her back or meet her. It just hurts because it was 4 years and she was my "college sweetheart". But I realize that I deserve and can do better. Flashes of insight have hit me - about how I was trying to do everything for her, wasn't watching movies I liked, playing my guitar much, reading, or working on my spirituality.

 

Since I've been on my own, I've meditated a bunch, met new friends, and I'm just in a better place. Going back to her, aside from the cheating, would just suck the life out me. I realize this - unfortunately love throws your chemicals in your brain all off. Luckily, the good memories are starting to be buried by "reality" - that things weren't that great, that I'm 30 and she is only 24, that I didn't learn much from her and wasn't that interested in what she had to say.

 

Sounds great mate. You are on the right track. Well done! By doing that work on yourself you will find someone better, for sure.

[casey.lives]

exes are exes.. closure to me is not looking back.

[Meli22]

Why does she need closure? She cheated on you. There's her closure, I don't see what she needs answers to? I've needed closure in the past when I've had no answers or reasons for a break up but this one seems pretty clear

[buddha84]

In terms of why she needs closure, I'm not really sure. I think she just feels really guilty and stupid about everything. The last time we saw each other, I was in my room telling her that I didn't want to talk to her. How it went down (mind you, we were living together at this time, but had been broken up for over 2 months):

 

I came home from work on a Sunday (about two and a half weeks ago), and she was just balling. She was saying how sorry she was and that she still loved me. I then came home from work on Monday, and she had stayed up waiting for me, told me she slept in my bed but thought that might be weird, and had a present for me (an expensive book of art prints). We talked for some hours, gave an intimate hug with her rubbing my back, and then went to bed (not sex, not the same bed). Then I come home on Tuesday, her door is closed, the guy she had been cheating on me with is staying the night, and there's italian food leftovers plus flowers sitting out.

 

I hit her up the next day like "what the ****, I feel stupid, I thought we were working on things" - and she just replies "I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that we were getting back together - I'm in a committed relationship now and I just want to be friends"

 

So I know I have to move on. I went through 3 months of hell after the breakup, only to find out that she had been seeing someone the whole time, cheated on me, etc. She just wanted to keep me around because on paper, I'm a LOT better than this guy and have a lot of future prospects.

 

We were together for 4 years, and friends before all of this. I think that this is something that is new for her - something she hasn't dealt with before. Cheating on her first long term boyfriend - the first boyfriend who was very educated from a good school, has a good future, in shape, wouldn't cheat on her, etc. But you know, I think it's best to work on myself and become a great person, and let her live with that guilt.

 

She will realize her mistake soon enough - at least in terms of this guy. He has my same exact name. I knew her family, cousins, everyone - and now she is going to bring around the guy she cheated on me with who has my same name. Her dad and everyone in her family are highly educated doctors and her dad thought I was great. But you know, none of this matters - I'm just sure that she will have regrets and guilt for some time.

Edited September 27, 2015 by buddha84

[sandylee1]

Then I get a couple of emails from her saying that she would love to meet for coffee and can't picture me not being in her life.

 

But I realize that I deserve and can do better.

 

Since I've been on my own, I've meditated a bunch, met new friends, and I'm just in a better place.

 

Don't meet up with her.

 

You certainly can do better and I'd suggest you just tell her your really busy and are not able to meet her, but best of luck to her.

 

You'll meet a nice lady in the future.

[mightycpa]

So, if anyone has seen my other posts, they would know that there has been some hell since my breakup. My ex cheated on me for months before our breakup, I have now moved out, and yes, I sent her emails. I mainly told her a while ago that maybe we could meet for coffee at some point (in some months) and say our official goodbyes (I will be moving).

 

So after some days, I get an email with her saying that she would love to meet for coffee; that reading my emails made her sad; that "I can't imagine just never seeing you again after the last time we saw each other".

 

She is currently in a "committed relationship" with the guy she was cheating on me with. He has my same name and is 10 years older than her. Since the breakup, I've gotten in great shape (lost 40lbs down to 160 from 200), got a promotion at work to a management position, and I've been really working on myself. I am just conflicted because I know that meeting her will bring pain, and that closure only comes from inside. I just think that she never really dealt with our breakup, even though she did the dumping (at the suggestion of her therapist). Her saying that she wants to meet for closure just shows me how little she has actually worked on herself or how little she understands the situation.

 

I was wondering if anyone else has had this kind of experience? I know that I can never get back with her since she cheated on me. I know that I need to move on, yet a part of me still wants to meet up and talk to her. During our relationship, I became really depressed, was stuck in my job, and complained all the time. Now that we are broken up, I've accomplished so much - playing guitar a lot, reading a lot, going out, working out. I've even signed up for brazilian jiu jitsu classes and jeet kune do. I'm also going to be doing crossfit. I just feel like a better person, but I'm still working on my self-esteem. It would be stupid to meet up with her, and wouldn't offer any kind of closure, agree?

 

I do feel better though, knowing that about 2 months ago, if she would "love to meet for coffee" I would have already been jumping in my car and asking where. Now all I could say was that we need to wait a bit of time until I am 100% over her and moved on.

Here's what you do. Write her back, and propose a time and day that corresponds with the day or the day before you leave if you leave very early. Invite her to some place, nice and trendy, but not over the top. Tell her you have a small gift for her, that it isn't much, but that you think she'll appreciate it and please don't bring you anything. Tell her you'll only have about 20-30 minutes to meet.

 

Then, don't confirm unless she asks, and don't show up. Block her so that it is impossible for her to contact you. After that, go live your life free and clear, knowing that she'll remember you for the closure she got from you.

 

You've made good and important progress. Don't **** it all up for what she wants.

[starpower]

So the suggestion to meet for closure is your idea. I sense that you just want to meet up with her, so you can show how much better you are and have become, whether with work or your looks, and maybe seeing you now, she will realize she made a mistake.

 

You even realize yourself there's no future with you and her. Best way to move forward is to have zero contact and move on. It will be better in the long run. She's moved on, she moved on while in a relationship with you. You don't need to ease her guilt by giving her closure.

[dumbass2]

Do not meet up. There's nothing that needs to be talked about. No chance of reconciliation, not should you want it even if it was present, which it is not. It would more than likely just cause you more hurt. You and her are way past done. No hope here that I can see.

[Ganz7]

Hi Buddha

 

Your break-up resonates a lot with mine which happened exactly a year ago to this very day!

 

I had been in a really long term relationship which wasn't really going anywhere but all the same I was in love with her. She walked out on me last year saying she was going to live with a friend when in reality she had moved in with her new boyfriend unbeknown to me at the time. Later I was able to find out that she had lived a double life for at least 7 months whilst she was with me.

 

After the first week I had got her to agree to meetup for a coffee as she had to drop my apartment keys which she still possessed. I was so looking forward to this meeting over a coffee because if truth be told I was completely totaled when she left. It was only one week after she walked out that we met up. Here's how it went..

 

We met, she smiled that goofy smile I always liked, and it seemed that things were like normal except they weren't . She probably was genuinely pleased to see me but this may have been to soften the guilt she felt of cheating on me. At this point I had no idea she had cheated on me.

 

Looking back at the meetup, it was the only thing I wanted to do but then it suddenly dawned on me that this was the worse thing I could have done. Sitting across the table, so tantalisingly close yet so far away, hearing her voice and even worse that in her eyes I had been demoted to just being a friend was gut wrenching. Also the way she addressed me in a formal way and the polite peck kiss on the cheek for the goodbye was tough to take.

 

First thing I thought when I got back home was: "that was the worse thing I could have done as it set me back to square one again. It was like she moved out all over again.

 

With hindsight, meeting the ex didn't change one thing just prolonged the suffering. For your ex it will be a positive thing as it will look like her cheating was legitimised in some way by the fact you agree to meet up.

 

Sometimes, the heart isn't always right. My own gut feeling was that meeting up was going to be a bad thing but at the time my heart was saying the opposite. It was tough to go against the heart. It' one of life's experiences that you just have to go through even though most people here, including myself, will say: "Don't do it!"

 

Bhudda, why torture yourself with the past? Stay in the present.

Edited September 27, 2015 by Ganz7

[EgoJoe]

Your Ex is a liar with questionable character and dubious morals. Do you want to wade through every sentence, every facial expression and the possible context contained therein of everything she says? Do you want to go through another wave of rejection if she flakes?

 

Women who lie and/or cheat ought to be shunned. Leave them to the losers of society so you don't ever need to worry about them and their progeny interacting with you and yours.

 

She is scum on a thousand different levels.

[SoleMate]

Don't meet up, it will reopen that can of worms for no good reason.

[buddha84]

Thanks everyone. I feel like through all the words I've received, I've started to have a new feeling of just letting things be.

 

I was talking to some new friends today, and I've realized how much this breakup has made me able to empathize and connect with new people. Before I was just the guy who thought he had the perfect relationship - never experiencing true heartbreak. After reading posts on this forum and talking to new friends, I've realized my experience isn't uncommon and actually attaches me to a normal human experience.

 

She actually sent me another email, but for the first time, I just let it sit in a folder I created for her emails. I just don't feel like seeing what it says or hearing from her. I know I will have moments of weakness still, but I feel like I'm starting to see a bigger picture. I have to work on moving on and letting her go so that I can meet someone new who is better. She did me wrong and I should just let her live with her guilt and possible "what-ifs".

 

Since the breakup, I'm a supervisor at one of the top downtown hotels in my city. I've just done so much to improve myself, and now that I have a real heartache under my belt, I feel like I have a new found wisdom. Since I didn't jump right into a new relationship or feed that initial need, I feel like I've been learning new things about myself daily. I feel like the truth of our relationship is starting to creep it's way in. She is a cheater and a liar who did so many messed up things, that it's not possible to ever have a relationship with her again - not even as friends.

 

Thank all of you!

[dumbass2]

"She is a cheater and a liar who did so many messed up things, that it's not possible to ever have a relationship with her again - not even as friends."

 

Keep reminding yourself of this in any moment of weakness.

[joseb]

It sounds to me like she is just responding to your request to meet for coffee and closure. She is probably doing it to allay some guilt. Don't meet her. No good can come of it. If you want, email her to say you are moving on and dont need to see her for closure.

[Survivor12]

She doesn't want closure; she wants to know that you still have feelings for her & are miserable without her. Just agreeing to see her proves that she still has power over you.

 

Tell her that you no longer have the need or desire to see her again. If she tries to convince you to do it "for her", tell her that you have no obligation to do anything for her. If she says that she wants to be friends, tell her that you don't need or want to be friends with someone who has betrayed you and proven that she has no respect for you.

 

Or ignore her requests, let her figure it out, & keep on living your life and don't look back.

[buddha84]

So today I checked my phone, and she is now texting me:

"Do you still have me blocked? Since you probably do, I just want to say that I miss you. I've been in denial and distraction but of course things feel real now that you are gone. I just wish I could find a way not to feel this tremendous guilt. I've already said it, but I wish you could know how sorry I am and how sad I feel for everything. You were my best friend. That is what I miss the most, I love you"

 

Now she wants to meet up because I've left some stuff at our apartment (which she is now living in), and have coffee, etc.

 

I just know how this is - I know if I give in, it will just be more of the same and I have to be strong.

[dumbass2]

Be strong and ignore her. It sends the right message. The message that you are done being used and manipulated. It will be empowering to do this. It will give you a sense of control and help you through this. She just wants to ease her conscience. The is the best plan. If for some reason you must send anything, do as others suggested and let her know that it is not necessary to meet, you don't need anything she has of yours and you are doing fine and moving forward and that you do not want her to contact you again. It's tough to say that, but look at what has happened. You don't and shouldn't want her back. You will never trust her. You can't be friends. If there was hope I would not say this, but you have to push to move on and this is the step to help you.

 

Remember this

 

"She is a cheater and a liar who did so many messed up things, that it's not possible to ever have a relationship with her again - not even as friends."

[EgoJoe]

Block her and forget about the stuff... Unless its expensive then have a friend contact her and retrieve it, offer the friend beer. Any of your bros will be happy to help. Even if they are total douchebags you'd be surprised.

 

Ego is powerful in one sense, it will do anything to avoid shame. Her ego is guiding her actions; not her heart of conscience. Avoid her like the plague.