Am I overthinking

[Brooke42]

So I made a post about a week ago about an old college friend I've reconnected with who wants to date. So at the moment we are talking..meaning we aren't officially dating yet, but we aren't interested in anyone else. I haven't seen him in over 2 years, he came to my college when I was a sophomore and left a year later because he couldn't afford it. I was dating my abusive ex at the time, and he was dating one of my friends. We hung out in groups at school, but we hardly ever talked one on one because my ex would have gone insane.

I talked with this guy a little when I was with my ex, and when we broke up the summer before my senior year we talked even more. It went from maybe once a month to once a week. We only kept in contact through snapchat. The past few months we have been talking almost everyday, and recently, about 3 weeks ago, he told me he had feelings for me. His exact words were 'I think it's always been you, I was just too stupid to realize.' Ever since then, we have communicated almost constantly. He will text me morning to night, we will still snapchat almost daily. He's planned on coming to see me, and he sent flowers to my doorstep. He's a dream come true. I guess I just feel so close to him because we've always communicated, it's just more intimate now.

However, he lives an hour away from me right now and apart from visiting each other the only way it will work is if one of us moves. I'm sure it will be me because I hate the town I'm living in right now. But I have to find a job, a place to live, and it will just be a very long and hard process. He's willing to do everything in his power to make it work with me, so he says. I have a couple of concerns and I need to know whether they are legit, or things I shouldn't worry about.

When he knew me, I was probably 20 pounds lighter than I am right now..granted, I had an eating disorder and my boyfriend didn't let me eat certain things, but I wasn't deathly tiny. Right now I'm not fat and my body is weird because the only place fat is stored is in my stomach..so while my arms and legs are tiny, my stomach is definitely not flat and I've got hips now. I'm worried he will take one look at me and regret every decision that he wanted to date me. He has seen my full body in snapchat videos, but the only time that has happened has been when he's drunk so he probably wouldn't notice. I'm just scared he's gonna run away. Every guy I've dated since my ex has left me for various reasons, besides one.

Another probably more important concern is that he doesn't call. We've only been talking like this for 3 weeks, and he works a lot and it seems like he's always doing something...but I read online somewhere that if a guy doesn't call it means he's lazy and socially awkward and that it's not a real relationship. I figured after the first time he came to see me, that's when we would start getting even more serious and talk on the phone, ect. I just want to know that what we're doing is normal and that it doesn't mean anything weird..or if I should worry that he hasn't tried to call yet. Is that something I should worry about...does it mean that this isn't real....everywhere online people say it's not normal and women shouldn't tolerate it..I just want to know if our form of communication means we're in something that's normal

[Vintage79]

Umm - you're not dating, but you're concerned that he's socially awkward because he's not calling? Seriously? Yes, you're over thinking...this guy is basically showing no interest and your trying to explain it in all sorts of complicated ways...

[Qboro90]

You are WAYYYYY overthinking Brooke. You're getting 50 steps ahead of yourself as well and formulating a relationship with this guy whom you haven't even seen in person yet. It's been 2 years since you've seen this guy... And you already agreed to exclusivity without taking to time to find out if you both actually get along, are attracted to each other, or the distance between you isn't unmanageable. Thinking about moving to where he lives!?! Please please slow down... Hit the brakes... Pronto.

 

It's a huge red flag that he hasn't or won't call or talk to you on the phone. This guy said one line to you "I think it's always been you, I was just too stupid to realize it"... And you melted and fell in love. You've gone through this before on some of your previous threads. Letting your emotions fast track ahead and skipping essential steps to ensure that you don't get hurt or leave yourself vulnerable for a negative situation. I don't understand why you feel you need to rush into this so quickly.

 

First off he is an hour away. That's a very manageable distance and I wouldn't even consider it long distance. Drive, public transport would allow you each to see one another without much hassle. If he lived 6 hours away then you might have a problem but an hour distance is really nothing. I sit in an hour of traffic every day going to work and I'm there 5 days a week. So don't even think about relocating at this point.

 

Why don't you take the time to let him take you on a few dates. Enjoy the dating phase of the relationship where it's flirtatious and fun and you don't have anything at risk. Don't you want to see what kind of guy he is and how he'd treat you in person before you want him as a BF? A lot can change in 2 years since you last saw him. What if you're not as attracted to him as you thought? There are just so many questions you should want to find out before declaring this guy "your dream guy and Prince Charming"..

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but you had similar feelings for the last guy you were interested in. He turned out not to be such a great guy.

 

If I were you I would want to talk to him on the phone immediately/ASAP. Tell him you have a busy day so won't be able to text as much but you can give him a call once you finish up, just let you know when he'll be done working for the day.

 

If he's dodging talking on the phone then you have a problem. That's sketchy and isn't something an honest and good guy would be doing to a girl who they say they care for. Call him out on it if he gives you an excuse or the "not sure my schedule is crazy this week" bs.

 

Most of all just try and remind yourself to take it 1 day at a time. Don't think of worry about how the distance would work out or what job you'd need, etc. Work on the phone call, hear how he sounds when he talks to you so you can better gauge his emotions and tone. Then schedule a date or plan to meet and go on a date.

 

One step at a time.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are getting way ahead of yourself.

 

You haven't even had a first real date yet, and you're already stressing about who will move where, how you'll find a job, etc etc.

 

Slow. Down.

 

 

You need to work on your insecurities or they will sabotage this.

[d0nnivain]

An hour is not a distance worth moving for. If you want to move because you hate your town, go ahead but move where you get a job not for some guy.

[introverted1]

You keep bringing up weight (in this post you said it was 30 pounds) and I can't figure out if you are over-thinking this aspect or just not being realistic about it. You say you weren't too thin then and that you're not fat now, but very few women, if any, can have a 30 pound weight gain and not have been either too thin or too heavy on one side or the other.

 

Beyond this, you seem to think that meeting up with this guy = relationship and a move. More realistically, meeting up will result in a decision to date. You are getting way ahead of yourself with the need to decide whether to move, etc.

 

Did you get counseling for your eating disorder?

[Brooke42]

Things are moving very slowly so no worries there.

I was already looking at moving where he lives even before we started talking, because it's an amazing city with more opportunities.

The only reason I'm acting kinda serious about him is because we are already so close, since we've been talking for a year. There isn't really a getting to know you stage, we kinda just dived into it.

As for him calling, I'm starting to think he's just extremely nervous..because he told me he's liked me for a long time, and he thinks I'm out of his league (that's what he told me) ect. He told me today that when he sees me he's going to be so nervous. So it could be nerves. I'm not really sure though.

And the weight thing....when he knew me, I was more tiny. I also had my disorder then. I'll put it like this...I wasn't bones...but I had hardly anything to my stomach at all. And now I have hips and some fat around my mid section..I'm just average with more fat around my mid section, so I'm not huge. I just know I'll look different to him than he remembers me and that's what I'm worried about. I've been doing 300 mins of cardio a week and trying to watch what I eat, with the occasional sweet treat here and there. I've seen a little bit of difference, not much. I just don't want to dissapoint.

[Qboro90]

Things are moving very slowly so no worries there.

I was already looking at moving where he lives even before we started talking, because it's an amazing city with more opportunities.

The only reason I'm acting kinda serious about him is because we are already so close, since we've been talking for a year. There isn't really a getting to know you stage, we kinda just dived into it.

As for him calling, I'm starting to think he's just extremely nervous..because he told me he's liked me for a long time, and he thinks I'm out of his league (that's what he told me) ect. He told me today that when he sees me he's going to be so nervous. So it could be nerves. I'm not really sure though.

And the weight thing....when he knew me, I was more tiny. I also had my disorder then. I'll put it like this...I wasn't bones...but I had hardly anything to my stomach at all. And now I have hips and some fat around my mid section..I'm just average with more fat around my mid section, so I'm not huge. I just know I'll look different to him than he remembers me and that's what I'm worried about. I've been doing 300 mins of cardio a week and trying to watch what I eat, with the occasional sweet treat here and there. I've seen a little bit of difference, not much. I just don't want to dissapoint.

 

Something seems off if you have been talking to this guy for a year or anything close to it yet still have not heard his voice. Why haven't you pushed the issue more with him or just called him if you feel the way you do about him? Texting is very impersonal and makes it difficult to gauge a persons emotions or meaning behind the words they type. Using the excuse that he's nervous just doesn't make any sense if he's said he wants to come see you or if he's said he's liked you for a while.

 

It's possible he's just dragging it out and one of those guys who just will keep telling you "yes I'll be able to call you next week, I'm just swamped with work this week so it's a bad time", then the next week "sorry I had something come up at my apartment so I had to take care of that, we'll talk next week" . Make sure this guy isn't just toying with a virtual relationship with you and also that he's not seeing or talking to another girl.

 

Again this is something that comes down to self worth and knowing you deserve better. A girl who is confident and doesn't have time to waste with bs would have said "get over your nerves and call me already, I'm sick of just texting back and forth, every once in a while I want to hear you say nice things to me instead of reading a slew of emoji's". Meanwhile you're making excuses for his lack of progression and initiative.

 

You can accomplish in 1 phone call what you've failed to do in a years worth of texting and snapchatting. Lock down a date where he's coming to visit or where you'll go see him, get over the initial shyness that would be magnified if you guys did end up meeting but haven't spoke over the phone, and also gauge how he talks to you and the tone of his words. It's Sunday, you could be doing this right now. He's not working, and doubtful he's out so what are you waiting for?

[Brooke42]

Well when we were talking as friends, over the past year, we both have dated other people. There were periods of time where we wouldn't communicate as much, out of respect for our SO. The timing was weird at times. We talked very frequently, but there would be a period of weeks where we would both talk very briefly maybe 3 times a week. I was either talking to another guy, or dating someone pretty much this whole past year. Only very recently did I declare myself completely single, maybe 4 months ago. So if he did like me, as he told me he did, it would have been very hard for him to tell me that if I was with someone else...and maybe this period of time he decided to finally take the opportunity.

So that explains why I haven't heard his voice in a year. I know it's said that if they really like you they will call, and that's probably true. But to put it nicely, he's a nerd. He's very attractive though, dated one of my close friends who was one of the prettiest girls at our school. But they were never long distance and I don't think he talked on the phone with her either. He might not be a phone guy. If he comes to see me within the next few weeks, I'm not sure if I should worry about a phone call. I feel like talking to him in person about why he never called would be better than trying to make him call me. He might have reasons. It does kind of worry me a bit, but he might be super nervous. He told me he already is nervous to see me. And like I said, he told me he thinks im completely out of his league...which isn't true, but if he thinks that it might hold him back a little.

So it's been asked if he's nervous why would he tell me his feelings and not call? Im not sure. I do know this....every douchey guy I've dated has always been a phone guy...except for one. I'm not saying it means anything, im saying douchey guys, including my abusive ex, would love to talk on the phone for hours..mostly about themselves. Maybe it's good that this guy is different and actually nervous, instead of thinking he's hot crap and wanting to call and brag about everything he's good at and how great he is. It could also be bad. That's why I'm trying to approach it from both sides. The nicest guy I ever dated, was in highschool. He was wonderful to me...also thought he was out of my league. I broke up with him for stupid reasons but he treated me like a princess. I remember he hated talking on the phone. He kinda reminds me of this guy...nerdy, calm, collected. Maybe it's just a trait some guys have? I'm not sure what to think.

[Brooke42]

I also feel like I'm not attractive enough for him, but that's another thing altogether.

[Qboro90]

I'm not saying that you need to talk to this guy on the phone regularly or much at all. All we're talking about is 1 phone call where you are able to hear one another and just get that initial awkwardness/nervousness out of the way. Also, whether you think so or not when any potential romantic interest speaks to you over the phone for the first time. Two people can text back and forth forever, or the countless people who delve into online/internet relationships via chat and messages. There's a reason why "catfishing" is done on the Internet and via texting. It's because they're able to hide behind their screen and carefully write and rewrite/edit their replies and words so they're in control.

 

Now I'm not saying that this guy is catfishing you whatsoever. I'm just saying that you should want to at least hear his voice ONCE before you meet in order to make what you two have been discussing really start to appear real and in progress. You're also making the mistake of already giving this guy the benefit of the doubt in all areas and making up as many excuses for why he can't do this or that. "He might be nervous", "we talk but not talking that much over the year", "most guys who like to talk on the phone have been *******s to me", "one guy from high school was nice but that's it".

 

Cmon Brooke, wanting one phone call is not asking much out of this guy at all. Don't start trying to legitimize and back up the reasons he can't do things for you already. While I don't doubt that many of the guys you dated were not good people and had serious flaws, I also think you need to acknowledge that you yourself are also somewhat responsible for allowing these guys to progress their abusivr treatment and disrespectful behavior towards you.

 

It's the infancy stage between you and this guy. Now is the time where you establish what you will and will not put up with or let slide. If he's unable to do the smallest thing such as calling you once just to say hello and how your day was then you can bet that those things will get bigger and more important to you down the road... Yet you're showing him that he can dictate how things work and the direction of the relationship. You're even making excuses for him when in fact you should be as skeptical as possible at this point. I'm always over skeptical when I meet a girl that seems to be a good catch. For example, I met one girl who was drop dead gorgeous, outgoing, the full package. I took her on a date and during the date she brought up something regarding a girl i had a photo with on Facebook. Very slick about it too. She asked if I had ever been to this night spot which was where the photo I had up was taken. When I said yes she nonchalantly said "oh yea I think I saw a picture of you on fb there with some girl a few months ago".... I didn't think anything of it and moved on the convo yet 10 mins later she goes "are you still close with your ex and hang out together? If you do tell me now because my ex did that and lied to me so... And on she went . Basically went into this whole rant about ex's and accusing me of talking to an ex and saying she wouldn't allow it from her bf... On a first date btw...... Anyways... Once I got a chance to speak and told her that the girl in the photo was actually my sister and we had been out that night celebrating her recent graduation from college she immediately knew that she messed up. Was embarrassed obviously. I never called her again..... Found out that she ended up dating someone I knew and that he had to get a restraining order against her after he found out she was making fake female profiles on FB to try and tempt/trick him into flirting or talking to other girls. Just crazy type stuff.

 

So moral of the story. No one is perfect and be overly skeptical when you start seeing someone. I feel like you fall so hard so fast and then wonder why things end up badly or the guys turn out to be *******s to you. Just because you somewhat knew this guy bc he dated a friend of yours doesn't mean that you really know who he is and if he'd be genuine to you.

[Qboro90]

I also feel like I'm not attractive enough for him, but that's another thing altogether.

 

You kept saying that he tells you how he thinks you're way out of his league and that's why he's so nervous, etc. I'm not saying that he's doing this maliciously but trust me when I tell you that I have said that to girls I was trying to hook up with in my past as well. It's a great line. It's a compliment to you, but also makes it sound like he doesn't think he deserves you... Which in turn makes the girl (you) think/say "noooo omg you're so amazing yourself, you're handsome and sweet, don't think that".... Basically he's getting you to share how much you like him and subconsciously gets you to lower your expectations/standards because you don't want to discourage him even more. A great reply to a guy who tells you that, just to test and see if he's using it as a line on you is to say "well the league is holding tryouts so let's see what you can do in order to make the cut". That says to him that you're not just gonna tell him you like and want to be with him instantly and that he's going to have to show you a bit more romance in order to gain your trust and affection.

 

You're a bit naive and gullible when it comes to believing and falling for the nice things and basic lines that guys tell you. Just because he compliments you or makes it sound like he's had feeling for you all this time, doesn't mean he's Prince Charming and everything you've dreamed of. Please don't take this as if I'm telling you that this guy is a bad person and you shouldn't date him. That's not what I mean. I just want you to reserve yourself more and understand that while I know you want to believe that these guys you come across mean everything they say and you can tell because A,B and C show that.... Just remember that I am a guy and without sounding too cocky, I've had a lot of success with attracting and getting girls to sleep with or fall for me throughout my life, so I've used every approach and line imaginable. And while I was never ever abusive or mistreated women in any way, I also can look back and feel bad that I said and led girls to believe things just so I could have a fun Friday night. And I'm actually a genuinely nice and respectful guy. Just was the typical college athlete who wanted to enjoy myself. The problem is that men and women think and see things differently. Clearly you can see or at least agree that you overthink things and read very deeply into the things people do or say. Yet this guy could just be texting you while he's going throughout his day and as soon as he puts his phone down, youre off his mind. Texting you a compliment or line is just no big deal and unfortunately not as heartfelt as you're hoping it to be.

 

-Educated Skepticism + Dictating your standards and how you expect to be treated = success