Mrlonelyone Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I know there are board just for people who are caring for elderly and/or disabled loved ones. I know that on those boards dating etc are discussed. I just want the LS perspective on this. So far in every relationship I have had which reached the meeting families stage when it comes time to meet my family is almost always where things break down. For me I don't want to know someone's family or want them to know my family until I think they have some real potential for a life long mate. Thinking critically about my relationships that is always the point in them where things go tits up. This is about one year +/- a few months into it. Both my parents are suffering memory loss or other signs of dementia and are in their early-mid 70's. One of them is legally blind. My little sister has certain special mental needs and developmental delays....like Autism. Even if I make it very clear I don't expect anything more than moral & emotional support as I actually do my duty for my family... taking on this much is really asking a lot. Even after a year or so. They may reasonably think that at some point in the future 5-10 years it would be "Hey honey I'm at work can you change Dad's adult diapers?" You know what I mean? Might it be that staring down the barrel of a commitment to me and mine is just too much when someone similar enough without this particular problem is just at least a tinder swipe or IM away?
Michelle ma Belle Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 So what exactly is your question? Are you having problems with dating because of your family situation? Are you having trouble keeping prospects around long enough for anything to be established? Explain.
Gloria25 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Well, I've heard calls on my fav podcaster's show about the strain/stress aging parents can put on a family - especially if the family also has kids of their own... I think the term is "sandwich" generation - where many of our families now a day are "sandwiched" between trying to raise their own family and caretaking for elders. Some spouses (IMO, mostly women) tend to feel a sense of obligation towards his/her parent(s) and often neglect their current family and/or spouse to do so. Some families move in the parent(s) w or w/o hiring help. Some spouses (often men who have SAMW/SAHM) somehow think they can just "dump" the aging parent's care on the spouse cuz since they are already at home, this is just one more "kid" to take care of. Fact is, often an aging parent's needs go beyond what a family can provide and specialists, nurses, professionals who can give them the care they need are more adequate for the situation. The downside is that not everyone can hire help and/or it may require putting the aging parent in a facility and gosh darn, that is my fear when I get older (especially since I don't have kids) is whether or not I'd be condemned to life in a freakin' asylum with other old people just drooling and/or pooping all over themselves and my family only comes to visit on the weekends and/or holidays. Oh, also, some aging parents can be down right difficult. They want it "their way" like it's freakin' Burger King when as a son/daughter, IMO, you have no obligation to cater to their every "whim" - you just have to make sure they have the basics (food, roof, medicine, clothing). At the end of the day, just like anything else in a RL you have to discuss this openly with your SO - especially in pre-marital counseling - cuz yeah, caring for aging parents can make or break some families. 1
Author Mrlonelyone Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 So what exactly is your question? Are you having problems with dating because of your family situation? Are you having trouble keeping prospects around long enough for anything to be established? Explain. Might it be that staring down the barrel of a commitment to me and mine is just too much when someone similar enough without this particular problem is just at least a tinder swipe or IM away? Over the years I've gotten to the meeting parents stage and when it comes time to see my family they hit the eject button. My question is could my parents issues be the issue?
Gloria25 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Might it be that staring down the barrel of a commitment to me and mine is just too much when someone similar enough without this particular problem is just at least a tinder swipe or IM away? Over the years I've gotten to the meeting parents stage and when it comes time to see my family they hit the eject button. My question is could my parents issues be the issue? So you're concerned that your parents "issues" are turning off potential mates?
ThugLifing Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I'm sure there are others who have the responsibility of taking care of their aging parents too. Everyone will have to face this. Maybe you're dating women who can't deal with your responsibilities to your family and lack empathy. I think tinder won't be for you if you're looking for something long term. All you can do is look for qualities in a woman that you value. Family oriented, kind, etc. You don't have to tell all the details about your situation on the first date. Talk about you, not just the stress of caring for your parents. If anything, it should respected that you care enough not to just throw your parents in a nursing home. 2
Siquijor Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 My question is could my parents issues be the issue? Only your partner can answer that. Nobody else.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 I'm sure there are others who have the responsibility of taking care of their aging parents too. Everyone will have to face this. Maybe you're dating women who can't deal with your responsibilities to your family and lack empathy. I think tinder won't be for you if you're looking for something long term. All you can do is look for qualities in a woman that you value. Family oriented, kind, etc. You don't have to tell all the details about your situation on the first date. Talk about you, not just the stress of caring for your parents. If anything, it should respected that you care enough not to just throw your parents in a nursing home. I don't look on tinder. That was an example of how easy it can seem to replace anyone. I feel what you are saying but I want a lover I shouldn't need them to be a saint.
15Love Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 How long before you've introduced them to the situation, in each instance?
carhill Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) Most folks are familiar with dementia and Alzheimer's as a terminal illness so they would perceive you to be taking care of your parents until they are dead even if you're not directly caring for them personally. People have varying levels of comfort with dealing with that kind of a situation. In my case it was a marriage killer. If your commitment to your parents comes before partners then you need to accept that and accept that some people will find that commitment incompatible if your commitment to your parents comes before partners then you need to accept that and accept that some people will find a commitment incompatible similar to how people have commitments to the children and those commitment supersede commitments to their potential partners. I experienced this when dating as women saying their children came first, as they should. In your case it would be your parents because they are at a stage of life when they are no longer able to care for themselves independently. All part of life Edited September 27, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I can't speak for all women or for the women you've dated but for ME, if I really liked someone and they introduced me to their family with the issues you mentioned, it wouldn't be enough on it's own to cause me to bolt. Perhaps there needs to be more time between meeting someone and introducing them to your parents. Not sure how long you're waiting now. Then again for some women, there is no amount of time that would be long enough in which case maybe you need to be more discerning about who you're dating. Good luck.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) How long before you've introduced them to the situation, in each instance? About a year give or take a few months is when I want them to meet. It is never less than 6 months before I even tell them. Often I meet their family and friends first. Most folks are familiar with dementia and Alzheimer's as a terminal illness so they would perceive you to be taking care of your parents until they are dead even if you're not directly caring for them personally. People have varying levels of comfort with dealing with that kind of a situation. In my case it was a marriage killer. If your commitment to your parents comes before partners then you need to accept that and accept that some people will find that commitment incompatible if your commitment to your parents comes before partners then you need to accept that and accept that some people will find a commitment incompatible similar to how people have commitments to the children and those commitment supersede commitments to their potential partners. I experienced this when dating as women saying their children came first, as they should. In your case it would be your parents because they are at a stage of life when they are no longer able to care for themselves independently. All part of life Thanks for this. I have been thinking more about it and I am not sure if moving to another state would make a real difference. For me, about a year in give or take a few months I'd want anyone really special to me to know my family. So, if they are the type to bolt when it comes down to it. They will. The final state 10-20 years down the line if it all were to work out would still have them having an Alzeheimers patient or two in their life. Many people in their 20's 30's and 40's don't want to think about that if they don't have to. I can't speak for all women or for the women you've dated but for ME, if I really liked someone and they introduced me to their family with the issues you mentioned, it wouldn't be enough on it's own to cause me to bolt. I am male to female transgender. Most of the people I have dated are men. Most of them never lasted long enough to meet the parents. The rest have been females who were everything from tomboyish - masculine women to female to male transmen. Those that stuck around after that 6 month mark where I would start to even describe my family said things like what you did. One have started many threads about called M here... has changed certain aspects of her life around to help people who have an issue like one of what my father does. She researches a certain kind of cancer now. However, when It came to time for dinner with my family which was her idea... a 180. Then years of random contact at varying levels to very recently. I have other stories like that one M is just freshest. Perhaps there needs to be more time between meeting someone and introducing them to your parents. Not sure how long you're waiting now. Then again for some women, there is no amount of time that would be long enough in which case maybe you need to be more discerning about who you're dating. Good luck. Like I said I wait about a year. I have never mentioned my family earlier than 9 months in and not latter than about 1.5 years in. That amount of time being the total time I know them. It takes me on average one to two years to even be ready to meet someone and fall for them. That said,... while my recovery time is long and miserable, now that I think of it... when I am finally really ready to feel it for someone again I generally find someone. The problem is finding someone who, once they know me, wants to know and be a part of my family and vice versa. Either that or I can just give up and hook up with men and couples off OLD. Edited September 27, 2015 by Mrlonelyone
newmoon Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 of course your lifestyle will affect dating and potential partners, which is why you should explain it upfront and much quicker than you have been. allow people into your life faster than normal so they can get a taste/glimpse of what your schedule and duties to your parents are like, or going to be like. some people will be up for it and others will run. weed out people quickly - 6 months to a year is way too long. 1
carhill Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Yes, kind of like with children when one is dating they advise their partner in dating that they have children but they don't introduce them to the children until some future date when the relationship is more solidified; that way the partner is disclosed and they can make decisions based on that disclosure. it may seem antithetical to compare an adult to a child but in the case of a mentally ill adult with a dementing disease an adult can, and many do, function as children in later stages of the disease process and nearly all progress to the infantile stage where professional care may be needed and, at that point, personal care giving may diminish but the responsibility remains and that reality can wear on a relationship or marriage. 1
Maggie4 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 If you date people of your age, they'd be more likely to have family with the same needs. It's a little similar to carhill's comparison above to dating people with children. I think two single parents understand each other well, whereas if one person has no children, s/he may be more hesitant. From what I've seen, among siblings, some are more willing to care for the parents than others. It has to do with your nature. Those who are willing to be caregivers to family, are more likely to care for the spouse if that time comes. 1
GemmaUK Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I was a carer for both of my parents from the age of 11 to just shy f my 18th birthday and then from when I was 25 until just shy of my 34th birthday. I only actually dated one guy in the first time period and only for 3 weeks but I did tell him that my Mum was ill. By the time I was 25 I was already in a relationship and we had ben living together for 2+ years. Had we not met and I had been single and dating I would have happily told anyone I was dating what the score was with my Dad as it was a big chunk of my life. My Dad was a big chunk of my life as well as his illness because I loved him. I see that you say you don't tell people until past the 6 month stage. Honestly, I think I would feel like a guy had lied to me if it went on that long without him being upfront. I would expect to know something like that within the first few dates. But it wouldn't bother me. I've been through taking care of my parents already (many folk my age haven't yet or are only just beginning to get to this stage or are nowhere near it yet) so it wouldn't phase me at all. I would actually be keen to meet his folks. 1
Author Mrlonelyone Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 It isn't like I keep my family a secret when I date some one. I Just don't tell them the dirty details up to month 6. By months 9-15 when I want them to meet they know the deal. I gradually bring them in neither saying too much too soon, nor surprising them. Like Carhill put it some people just don't have it in em to want to care far a terminally Ill relative. To willingly choose a situation with two such people and a developmentally disabled person (my sister) would take a saint. It is asking a lot.
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